Loempia741 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) Hey everybody. It's been 6 months since me and my now ex-gf broke up. We dated for about 1,5 years and she wasn't my first relationship but she was the first girl I truly loved, and I still do I guess. The first weeks after the mutual break-up there was a period of silence between us wich was occiassionally broken by myself, trying to get her back. I did all the things wrong, begged, pleaded, wrote a letter, tried to convince her I could change, got mad.. I regret the things I did. After a while I gave up and eased into the fact that this was not the way to get her back. I didn't go no contact but I pulled myself back a bit. We were still on good terms, even after all the **** I pulled, but she made it clear there wasn't a chance we got back into a relationship. Still we kept in contact reguraly (we study in the same city) trough facebook and what not. When time passed it seemed we got somewhat closer again. Sometimes I asked her to meet up sometimes she did. we even slept together for a couple of times. In my eyes there was still a chance and she did say she missed me sometimes. But 2 weeks ago when we were together in a pub I asked her if we could sleep together. She was okay with it, but then I pulled back. I actually said that if this game we/she were playing isn't going nowhere then I didn't want to be part of it. The next day she texted me that she really loves spending time with and always has fun but didn't really see us getting together anymore..she was sorry if she gave the wrong impression. I replied and said, among other things, that if she was moving on then it was best for me to do the same. But 2 weeks of 'no contact' have passed and she has already started talking to me on facebook three times. I answered every time cause she is actually a sweet girl and never did anything wrong to me. Is this wrong? The fact of the matter is that I had lost myself in this whole process and I am on the brink of depression and have episodes of suicidal toughts (also due to my youth problems and home situation). I'm going to get help from a counselor to battle my demons inside, I know now that the things that ruined my relationship are the same things that make me feel lost right now. But in the meantime I wonder why she keeps in contact and if I'm not replying I might lose her completely to another guy (and I know they are waiting in line, cause she is quiete the catch). Am I really just a friend to her, maybe someone to battle her loneliness or is she still waiting for me to get my act together? I don't think she is deliberately using me, cause it's just not in her nature. Any advice is welcome. Edited January 3, 2014 by Loempia741
ponchsox Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I suggest finding a church and learning the truth about salvation and God's grace.
Philosoraptor Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Right now she is healing as well, and is using you to get over you. Kind of like weening herself off of an addiction. While she is using this process to heal you are setting yourself up to be blindsided when she's finally ready to move on. She may not be aware that she is using you in the way of "I'm using him to avoid having to deal with the end of the relationship", but she is using you in the way of "this is easier than going cold turkey". You're doing nothing but wasting your life by keeping in contact with her and delaying your healing. If you want to be friends on way down the line after you have healed, great. But right now you'd serve yourself the best by going NC, attending your counseling sessions, finding happiness in the rest of your life, and allowing yourself to move on. 1
Author Loempia741 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Right now she is healing as well, and is using you to get over you. Kind of like weening herself off of an addiction. While she is using this process to heal you are setting yourself up to be blindsided when she's finally ready to move on. She may not be aware that she is using you in the way of "I'm using him to avoid having to deal with the end of the relationship", but she is using you in the way of "this is easier than going cold turkey". You're doing nothing but wasting your life by keeping in contact with her and delaying your healing. If you want to be friends on way down the line after you have healed, great. But right now you'd serve yourself the best by going NC, attending your counseling sessions, finding happiness in the rest of your life, and allowing yourself to move on. Deep inside myself I know she is.. It's like a drug I can't seem to get off. The fact that she probably got emotionally disconnected even before we broke up is what hurts me sometimes. I feel like I didn't got a decent chance to see and fix my mistakes. Ah well, live and let live. I got my exams coming up so it's going to be hard but I'm going full no contact till the end of my exams. Easily said then done but in the end it's all about healing myself. I know I will have lost her by the time I get my act together. No matter what they say about all the fish in the sea, I know for a fact she was my kind of fish. Right girl, wrong time I guess..
devilish innocent Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I know she's the only one you want to be with right now. It's completely normal to feel that way after a break-up. The person you loved is the only one that has everything you need, and no one else will ever compare. But it's only an illusion. There are other girls you could have loved just as much. Maybe not for all of the exact same reasons, but each would have their own reasons for being special. If it wasn't that way, nobody would ever move on after their first love left them, but nearly everybody does. Nearly everybody feels they can never love another as much, yet somehow they do. There is no reason for you to believe the same thing won't happen to you. I know you're scared to let go of her. But the reality is that if you continue being friends with her, especially friends with benefits, you'll keep getting hurt like this. She has her mind made up that you're not what she needs. Sooner or later, she's going to eventually find somebody who she believes is what she needs. The fact that you're still talking to her isn't going to stop her from moving on. All it's going to do is make it a thousand times worse for you when that happens. If you want to protect your heart, the wise thing to do is to let go. You shouldn't worry about hurting her by not responding to her texts. She's not the one that's suffering right now. You are. All you have to do is to let her know the reasons you need to ignore her from now on, and she will understand if you never respond to her again after that. At least, if she's a half way decent human being she will. You're hurting badly here. You have to watch out for your feelings because nobody else will. 5
Trapito Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I am sorry you are hurting. Let her go. That is the only thing you can do. Don't respond to her messages, you are not her best friend or her emotional tampon. If she wants you back, she will tell you. Right now she's using you as a ****buddy and someone who makes her feel good about herself. You are boosting her ego. She doesn't deserve it, so stop it. You are what matters. Btw. Are you from Holland? I love loempia's.
Author Loempia741 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Little update: I've send her a letter explaining why we can't be friends and that I need time to get myself back. Also stating that I came at a point that I want to take charge of my life and that I understand it will be a life without her. I needed to say this as a sort of closure before moving on. She responded that she was touched by the letter, and realised that, even before she read the letter, she always felt and feels safe and good when she is with me. She said that even tho she might not have those butterflies anymore she still cares for me deeply and I still mean a lot to her. We send some texts back and forth and she even called me a day later and just this week she started talking to me on facebook. But I wonder why.. I just said friendship is off te table, at least for now. I know it's a comforting tought but reality is she doesn't want me back. Why keep the contact up when she knows for a fact that I'm kinda hurting. She always initiates contact too.. What does this mean?? Anyway, no matter what it means, I know now I need to go No Contact.. As i said in previous posts, she is quite the catch and I know there is another man courting her.. She is responsive to it, but I know she doesn't fall in love that easily.. Still It makes me jealous as ****.. So I guess No contact and working on myself is the way to go.. Sometimes I still wonder how it got this far, me obsessing over a girl I once took for granted.
Author Loempia741 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 I am sorry you are hurting. Let her go. That is the only thing you can do. Don't respond to her messages, you are not her best friend or her emotional tampon. If she wants you back, she will tell you. Right now she's using you as a ****buddy and someone who makes her feel good about herself. You are boosting her ego. She doesn't deserve it, so stop it. You are what matters. Btw. Are you from Holland? I love loempia's. I'm belgian my dutch friend! Loempia is de compleetste snack die er bestaat
Trapito Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 How touching.. You send her a heartfelt letter stating that you can't be friends because it hurt to much, and now she just keeps on contacting you as if nothing happened. She is being extremely selfish. Why does she do this? Because she doesn't care about your pain, she only cares about herself. But.. YOU are also doing this to yourself, you are enabling her behavior by responding to texts and phone calls. You are hurting yourself. Stop hurting yourself, stop letting her hurt you. Block her on FB, your phone, everywhere. She obviously doesn't care for you, otherwise she wouldn't do this to you.
Trapito Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I'm belgian my dutch friend! Loempia is de compleetste snack die er bestaat I'm going grocery shopping in about an hour, there's a loempiakraam (loempia stand, I think it's translation is egg role). I'm going to buy myself a big ass loempia!
herself Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 If you were really serious you would block her. If SHE was quite a catch & fell for you, why wouldnt someone else? You want to believe so bad that her contact means she loves you, but it means she pity's you and feels like you cant move on without her. So she feels guilt abd keeps sending more breadcrumbs. Blah, she has no respect for you or your lettee. Defriend on fb ans block phone & email. Man up, bury yourself in library, your confidence will shoot up when u take yoir control back.
flightplan Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Little update: I've send her a letter explaining why we can't be friends and that I need time to get myself back. Also stating that I came at a point that I want to take charge of my life and that I understand it will be a life without her. I needed to say this as a sort of closure before moving on. She responded that she was touched by the letter, and realised that, even before she read the letter, she always felt and feels safe and good when she is with me. She said that even tho she might not have those butterflies anymore she still cares for me deeply and I still mean a lot to her. We send some texts back and forth and she even called me a day later and just this week she started talking to me on facebook. But I wonder why.. I just said friendship is off te table, at least for now. I know it's a comforting tought but reality is she doesn't want me back. Why keep the contact up when she knows for a fact that I'm kinda hurting. She always initiates contact too.. What does this mean?? Anyway, no matter what it means, I know now I need to go No Contact.. As i said in previous posts, she is quite the catch and I know there is another man courting her.. She is responsive to it, but I know she doesn't fall in love that easily.. Still It makes me jealous as ****.. So I guess No contact and working on myself is the way to go.. Sometimes I still wonder how it got this far, me obsessing over a girl I once took for granted. Let me tell you my friend, you are doing no good by hanging onto her. I was best friends with my ex for over 10 years. It sucks, but I let her go. The thing is, you're going to realize at some point, she is not who you think she is and then you're going to get your gonads back and get back in the game. Right now, you're pretty low, feeling like life just sucks and there will never be another one like her. HA! It's an illusion. We have more than one soul-mate in our lives and it's your job to go out and find them. The sooner you get over the grieving process, the sooner you'll live the life you want to create and meet that other soul-mate. Man up, hug the cactus, and get moving again! 1
Author Loempia741 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 Altough she didn't want to hurt me, always kept in touch and tried to be my friend I decided to delete her from facebook to really end all contact. I personally think it's an immature act and I 'm probably sending the signal that I still care a lot, wich I do. She might even think that I'm a bit pathetic.. But hey in the end I feel that's what needs to be done. I'm sad she is out of my life, as a lover but also as a friend, a I'm sad I still care this much, sad that I can't be her friend.. We will see what time brings for me.. Should I tell her why I deleted or just let her figure it out on her own? Altough I need to man up as everybody says, and move forward from now on, I don't want to look childish either..
pinkie Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 There's no need to explain yourself to her (again)... She wouldn't listen anyway. Just move forward. 1
flightplan Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Altough she didn't want to hurt me, always kept in touch and tried to be my friend I decided to delete her from facebook to really end all contact. I personally think it's an immature act and I 'm probably sending the signal that I still care a lot, wich I do. She might even think that I'm a bit pathetic.. But hey in the end I feel that's what needs to be done. I'm sad she is out of my life, as a lover but also as a friend, a I'm sad I still care this much, sad that I can't be her friend.. We will see what time brings for me.. Should I tell her why I deleted or just let her figure it out on her own? Altough I need to man up as everybody says, and move forward from now on, I don't want to look childish either.. The last thing you need to be doing is explaining yourself to a woman that doesn't want to be with you anymore. You don't owe her anything. I get it, been there. I know what you're going through. But your only confirming your weakness to her by trying to explain your actions. In the end, like someone said, she wouldn't listen or a give a shyte one way or the other. 2
Author Loempia741 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Since this has become my little online emotional boxing ball I'm going to give a little update on the situation I'm in. So It's been 2 weeks of Nc, (6 months post-BU and a rollercoaster of sex, love and artificial friendship) and I already feel some of the weight is being lift off my shoulders. Altough I do miss her and sometimes think I'm making things more dramatic then they should be, I know have admit it to myself that this is what I need. Contrary to what people adviced me I did tell her why I deleted her and why I'm going no contact. I felt it was honest and mature to make these things clear to her. She understands why I do it, but thinks it's childish and immature (for deleting her) and says that breaking contact means we won't get to nurture our friendship. I feel she was a bit irritated by the fact I did it.. not sure why since she should understand this game wasn't going to go on forever.. Anyway I haven't heard from her since and maybe it's for the best I guess. I still have a long road ahead off finding myself and living without depending on another for my happiness, but I'm getting there. If there is one lesson I've learned it's that sometimes we have to be selfish and do things solely for our own wellbeing, no matter what your enviroment thinks of it. For all the people still holding onto hope: Fight for someone, but there comes a time you need draw a line and walk away from it all. You need to admit it's not worth it anymore.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Since this has become my little online emotional boxing ball I'm going to give a little update on the situation I'm in. So It's been 2 weeks of Nc, (6 months post-BU and a rollercoaster of sex, love and artificial friendship) and I already feel some of the weight is being lift off my shoulders. Altough I do miss her and sometimes think I'm making things more dramatic then they should be, I know have admit it to myself that this is what I need. Contrary to what people adviced me I did tell her why I deleted her and why I'm going no contact. I felt it was honest and mature to make these things clear to her. She understands why I do it, but thinks it's childish and immature (for deleting her) and says that breaking contact means we won't get to nurture our friendship. I feel she was a bit irritated by the fact I did it.. not sure why since she should understand this game wasn't going to go on forever.. Anyway I haven't heard from her since and maybe it's for the best I guess. I still have a long road ahead off finding myself and living without depending on another for my happiness, but I'm getting there. If there is one lesson I've learned it's that sometimes we have to be selfish and do things solely for our own wellbeing, no matter what your enviroment thinks of it. For all the people still holding onto hope: Fight for someone, but there comes a time you need draw a line and walk away from it all. You need to admit it's not worth it anymore. It was already over as soon as she said it was over. The last several months of letters, begging, pleading, etc did nothing but solidify the fact that it was a good decision to leave you. She sent olive branch of friendship to clear her own conscious and the sex was there. Sure, she probably still cares about you as a person, but could give two s**ts about your feelings of love. It's not over dramatic to delete someone from social media its called moving on. She doesnt want you around (as a lover) so why should you care what she thinks? She wants to "stay friends" so she can know if she is moving on faster than you are. Even the "nice" girls (or guys) do that too. Members in a relationships WANT you to fight for them DURING the relationship, not after. Once they are done, they are done. Let it go from day #1 not weeks and months after. Good work on the NC part. Keep doing it.
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