katielee Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I'm so tired of this phrase. MC told us it actually works. Really? MC asked what I needed from hubby and I said a gigantic declaration of his love for me. What I meant is some sort of restitutional sacrifice like moving. But hubby took it literally - and it's actually kind of funny - and he shouts how much he loves me and holds his arms up high and says this is how much I love you. ok! So, he's being great but me letting go, accepting, and moving forward - not so great, although I have made strides...I can go only about 20 minutes without thinking about his affairs. MC wants me to work on putting the obsessive thoughts in a drawer in IC - I'm a hard drive that's always spinning, not a file folder that can be put away. So this am before hubby left I took in his great big hug and told him I loved him back but when he asked what was wrong (he can always tell) I said I was just faking it - not that I loved him - but that my life was great. His face fell. Guess I could have kept faking it. But really, if I can't share this, what is the point of being married? Why fake it? 3
Ap22 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I think the MC meant that even when you arent in the best mood, try not to let it show. I doubt he meant it literally like your husband thought. I know sometimes i feel my WW, while not faking it per se, goes a bit overboard with her declaration of her love for me. Usually just gets a eye roll from me and actually does more harm than good. A little gesture of real love does much more than going overboard trying to hammer into my head how much you love me.
nicepuzzle Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I agree. Faking is tired and makes resentful inside. One of my friend is not in love with her husband and fakes it all the time. She is is very empty loveless marriage and already had affair and looking for more. Plus sex sucks when there is no genuine feelngs. Atleast for women. Women cant be aroused and come if they are not attracted to men. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I think it's a terribly difficult thing to find this balance. Like you, I never liked the phrase, fake it til you make it, even though I tried it. I've learned too much about conflict-avoidance. You can't go under, over, or around an affair; you must go through it. The BS can't just choke it down on their own and the WS must be a partner in cleaning up the mess (excuse the mixed methaphors). I think the heavy lifting is done by the WS in the early months to maybe even a year plus (not to say that the BS has it easy). But I think it's the ensuing years where the BS does have to find a way to "get over it" to a real extent, even if the WS can't be the ones to use those words. The affair can't be a part of every argument indefinitely. I would imagine that there's some version of "faking it" that happens where the BS doesn't mention every trigger and takes some ownership for getting over it, provided that the wayward has done their part. I didn't make it that long. Hopefully some reconciled BSs and WSs can chime in on what worked for them.
BetrayedH Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Oh, and I get what you mean by a gigantic declaration of love. I also looked for my wife to make what I called, a grand gesture. And like you, I meant something like quitting her job or encouraging us to move. Your H is obviously missing the point. Mine just refused.
dichotomy Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 There is psychological evidence to “faking it” , that is doing your best to put on a smile and work through it. My own therapist have advised this were possible, but that does not mean not being honest when you are being triggered or hurting or need support from WS. It’s a fine line, but when a WS is doing the right things for you – that might be the times to fake it. But then again - I am never good at hidding my emotions. 1
underwater2010 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I am not a big fan of faking it either. I have learned communication from both sides is the key. But I think you are missing the point your MC is trying to make. Sometimes you need to file away the anger/pain in order to gain some sanity back. It doesn't mean it does not exist, just that you need a little peace at times. And we all know those times where is just doesn't feel like we love our spouse or they aren't acting very lovable. But it doesn't need to be said each and every time. In fact taking time out to appreciate the little things they are doing right instead of focusing on the negative can have a huge impact on the marriage.
Spectre Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Faking something is more or less kinda like lying, right? You are telling me an actual marriage counselor told you to do this? Does this woman get some type of commission if her clients end up getting divorced or something? That is the only way I can wrap my head around that advice. That is like if I asked someone how to best stop using heroin and they told me "you should go out, find as much heroin as you can and shoot it all up into your veins".
harrybrown Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 My WW can always tell when something is wrong. It is always the same thing and sometimes I try to hide it, but like you it is there all the time. Tell your H that his actions can speak much louder than the empty words. He did so much for the OW. He lied, he used his brain to deceive, he cheated and did all these wonderful things for the OW. He is married to you and knows you. Why doesn't he use his brain and energy and come up with something wonderful for you to show you that he does love you, you have always been number one in his life? I do not know you, so I do not know what that wonderful thing would be. Yes, not to cheat on you, oops. I sometimes think the MC comes up with things to make sure the MC has clients for the long-term. I hope you have a better 2014.
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 For the life of me, I can not understand why your husband is so against moving. It seems to come up often for you. It might just be the time for you to make yourself clear. Move together or you move alone.
drifter777 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Example's of when "fake it 'till you make it" makes sense would be things like trying to overcome fear of public speaking, recovery from addiction, overcoming depression - things like that. Applying it to infidelity and working on overcoming such a horrible betrayal is more than ridicules; it's probably malpractice. You should bring this up with the counselor again and ask them what them meant by suggesting it. If they really mean for you to pretend everything is ok with your marriage and feelings toward your WS then immediately walk out of the office. 1
Fluttershy Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 OP, is your H possibly feeling like no grand festure is needed because he doesn't feel he needs one for your affair? Like he has no need as a BS to move so he doesn't understand why it is different for you? I too think there is a balance to be had. You can overdwell as a BS oh so easily. And defend it too and justify it. Or you can work on not dwelling on it. You think about the affair a lot. Perhaps you should use the elastic band method. Where you snap yoursel when his affair pops into your mind so often. Try to limit how often you think about it. For your own sake, not his. Thw question is do you want to stop thinking about it? Do you really want to move past this. Do you want the past to be in the past.
Fluttershy Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I think a good time to "fake it" is at family gatherings and during special events. Some people see this as not being "true" or "honest". I see this as tact and having dignity.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I can so relate. I don't know how early you are in all of this, but in the beginning all I could do was fake it..I was so angry and obsessed constantly about it all. this past week, as I look back on a year of lies...I find myself obsessing again. It's a daily journey if you decide to reconcile and if your husband is willing to do whatever he can to make this "right" again. It will never be the same...it is part of your history...but I do believe in restoration of marriages. My hubby and I are closer now than we ever were. I wish it hadn't taken this to get us to this point.
Author katielee Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Thanks everyone. I bet three MC/IC have said the fake it thing to me. I don't think they mean hide your feelings, but if you're in recovery, you should act lovingly towards your spouse even if you aren't feeling it all the time,which I really try to do. Do I want the past to be in the past? - I'd love to stop thinking about it. But I'd also like to make sure I'm treated respectfully. The betrayal hit me so hard I almost lost myself -I'm thinking it was due to two affairs in a short time and I had to catch him at both - those are big things to overcome and it would be a lot easier to gauge his commitment to the marriage if he had some sort of sacrifice to make. He would insist he is making one by staying with me after my affair. ok, and I'm staying with him too. but he NEVER has to see my AP, let alone two of them.
BetrayedH Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 There are a lot of shi tty MCs out there that really have no idea how to deal with infidelity, let alone madhatters and multiple Ddays. Many are just going to want you to consider yourselves even and to fake it until you make it, which is really just another version of "get over it" or "Please quietly choke down your shi t sandwich." I think you know better.
Author katielee Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 another question - do I take the blame for starting the chain reaction that caused all this? we also talked about moving again - his job is based on connections and we've lived here 20 years and he's 51. It would be hard for him to have the same type of job somewhere else. he's not sure if he would resent me if I insisted on a move. I maintain how unfair it is for me to see them. He agrees but of course has no solution. recovering from infidelity is very lonely.
BetrayedH Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 He would resent you for moving and you resent him for not moving. Who wins? In my view, HE started this chain reaction or you wouldn't have other women to be resentful of seeing. I guess his solution is for you to just get over it. What's more important? Your marriage or his career?
Author katielee Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 I'm being blamed and I've about had it I've never blamed him and his affair with his effing career And how much I was abandoned with four kids during his rise to the top. My affair was all on me! He could have beat me and I would still have no right to do that!
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