lamaga Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 After having dated for 5 weeks, I won't see him until Wednesday, since he is in a different country right now. We didn't spend New Years Eve together, but he came over the next day because he wanted to see me again before he left for another week. We kissed and cuddled and slept together. He said that I need a ceiling light and that he "will have a look at that next week". He also said that first thing when he comes back is come over and spend as much time with me as he can. We are not really in touch. He texted me once, the same night, when he arrived home "I want to hear you sing again" (I am a singer). But nothing since then. We have established he sucks at communication and I have gotten used to it. However, he is coming back Wednesday and I need to finally determine this relationship. At the New Years party I went to, there were several people that we both study with and everyone asked me where "my boyfriend" was, and "oh, I know you are with 'HIS NAME', you guys are cute together, he's a great guy, you are lucky, he is lucky, didn't expect you guys ending up, everyone knows you guys are together, news travel fast in these parts of town"... and so on. It seems everybody knows that I am in a relationship except for me. So I need to determine it the moment he comes back. I can't wait any longer, because I want to be with him and I feel he wants the same - at least I hope so. I don't want to wait for him anymore to do make a move. OR better: What's the best way to initiate just so much to show that this is what I want, without actually asking to determine the relationship, so he will do it instead? Does anybody have any ideas what I can do, and how I can do it? I would plan a romantic dinner at my house or something, but I find that cliche and have already done that for him once. I want to do something special. Any ideas?
PegNosePete Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 "So are we a couple now, or what?" Seriously. What's he gonna say? It's either yes or no. If he gets "scared away" rather than being able to talk sensibly and rationally about it, then is he really right for you...? 6
Aquanut Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Five weeks is a short time. Be patient. From what you say, it seems like you have a budding relationship. He's starting to make forward-looking statements which shows he probably considers you his girlfriend, or is at least is trying it on for size.
mammasita Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I would play off the questions people were asking at the party and say something like: "So.....while you were away at the party, everyone was asking where my boyfriend was" He'll either take it and run with it, or you can determine from his reaction if you feel confident enough to say "so are you my boyfriend now?" 5
Aquanut Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 How I did it last time... "I was speaking with my friend Kate and referred to you as my girlfriend. Is that ok with you?" She said. "Yes. And now I know how to refer to you." Nothing awkward.
Author lamaga Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 How I did it last time... "I was speaking with my friend Kate and referred to you as my girlfriend. Is that ok with you?" She said. "Yes. And now I know how to refer to you." Nothing awkward. That's cute. Aww. I am not sure if that works the other way around.
Author lamaga Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Five weeks is a short time. Be patient. From what you say, it seems like you have a budding relationship. He's starting to make forward-looking statements which shows he probably considers you his girlfriend, or is at least is trying it on for size. We were talking about going to Istanbul together in April. Thats four months away and he seems excited about it. Is that a good sign? That's what I thought, at least... Mhpf. I just want him to be my boyfriend officially sooooo badly.
Eggplant Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 When people say he's your boyfriend, correct them and tell them you're just friends.
Author lamaga Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 When people say he's your boyfriend, correct them and tell them you're just friends. That's what I did.
Author lamaga Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 So, he skyped me today and we talked for about 2 hours. We had Skype sex (i know...) and then talked for a while and eventually i brought it up that i would like to communicate more with him about certain things. he knew it was important to me that neither of us **** around with other people. he said he is pretty uncomplicated and didn't know i was worrying so much. he said he understood that i needed more communication. but he also said that he is happy with the way things are and that he is not seeing anybody else and i am overthinking things and don't need to worry, he is only with me. and that he will come back next week and we will spend more time together and see how things go. he also said he wished he was back already because he wants to be with me again and spend quality time. he said he wants to go to the museum and have dinner with my friends, for example. he says he likes me and especially how creative i am and that we can talk about sophisticated things, but also about stupid things, and that i do so many cool things. he's been pretty sweet actually. i only like to see the negative aspects of it, i guess. i think he is not ready to call me his girlfriend. that's what i got from this. but at the same time it seemed as if he is scared to talk about these things because he didn't know what i wanted from this until now. but i think i gave him a pretty good understanding of what i want with this, no? i mean, i said "so we are romantically and sexually exclusive?" and he said "yes, we are. i thought we'd established that already." and i said "yeah, we did, didn't we." he smiled and i said i hoped i didn't scare him, that it was just important to me that there would be no misunderstandings and we are on the same page. he said he totally understands and he will call me tomorrow (he proposed to watch a movie together via Skype). so... where do i go from here? just chill, right? this is all good, right? or not? i never thought i'd be so insecure about a guy who is 5 years younger than me...
EmilyJane Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Just chill. Don't worry don't react. He likes you enough to see where it goes. Wait and read the signs - the more forward looking statements he makes the more he's thinking about you being around. If you are worried about being exclusive that's kind of a seperate issue. If you are sleeping together it's perfectly ok to say you are uncomfortable with sleeping with other people. I'm only a few weeks in, we're not calling it anything yet but there's been a lot of future planning and family intros. And we are definitely exclusive. One morning I was sitting in his lap and the conversation came to being cheated on (don't even ask, we talk about waaaay too much stuff ) I said flat out if he ever slept with anyone else i'd cut him dead and never speak to him again, he said same deal goes and we shook hands and laughed. That's sort of enough for me to know where I stand without him calling me his GF. So maybe think about what you really need? The label or something else.
Poppygoodwill Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Great, so he's answered all your questions and hung in there for the conversation even if it made him a bit uncomfortable. He clearly likes you - he wouldn't say these things if he didn't. He would be much vaguer and avoid all talk of such things. I'm curious...you are so eager to define the relationship...now that you have agreement you are exclusive, do you still feel the same need to get "boyfriend" in words?
Author lamaga Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Great, so he's answered all your questions and hung in there for the conversation even if it made him a bit uncomfortable. He clearly likes you - he wouldn't say these things if he didn't. He would be much vaguer and avoid all talk of such things. I'm curious...you are so eager to define the relationship...now that you have agreement you are exclusive, do you still feel the same need to get "boyfriend" in words? YES. I guess for me this would mean he is not afraid of a commitment. Something that I would like from a guy. And then I would probably be less insecure about how to act around him, sometimes. For example, when people call him my boyfriend, do I join in on the fun or deny it, you know? How do I define it. I tell people we are together but then I always say "Well, we are not together-together" and they say "so you are available?" and I say "No, not really". It's difficult. I guess I need a clear definition.
MidwestUSA Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 YES. I guess for me this would mean he is not afraid of a commitment. Something that I would like from a guy. And then I would probably be less insecure about how to act around him, sometimes. For example, when people call him my boyfriend, do I join in on the fun or deny it, you know? How do I define it. I tell people we are together but then I always say "Well, we are not together-together" and they say "so you are available?" and I say "No, not really". It's difficult. I guess I need a clear definition. You are "romantically and sexually exclusive", so you are "together-together". Not sure how much more defined you need to be. If someone referred to him as your boyfriend, simply say 'yea, I guess he is', or 'fits the definition, doesn't he?'. All this worrying about a label! First is was his communication skills and type. Honestly, you're going to fret this relationship into the ground! One day, he's gonna slip and refer to you as his girlfriend. Or maybe he'll skip it and go straight to fiancé! Just relax and enjoy what you have. He's obviously not afraid of commitment. If you're that insecure, you'd better fake being secure, until you actually are. 2
Author lamaga Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 You are "romantically and sexually exclusive", so you are "together-together". Not sure how much more defined you need to be. If someone referred to him as your boyfriend, simply say 'yea, I guess he is', or 'fits the definition, doesn't he?'. All this worrying about a label! First is was his communication skills and type. Honestly, you're going to fret this relationship into the ground! One day, he's gonna slip and refer to you as his girlfriend. Or maybe he'll skip it and go straight to fiancé! Just relax and enjoy what you have. He's obviously not afraid of commitment. If you're that insecure, you'd better fake being secure, until you actually are. I don't need to fake to be secure. I am a very secure person. I just get insecure when I don't know what's up. But last night he called me and said "I want to be with you", and I said "You are with me" and he sighed and said "Then I am a lucky man". I think things are going to be just fine.
Grumpybutfun Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Perhaps your insecurity comes from the fact that he is 5 years younger than you and younger men are notorious for not making commitments until they are older? I agree with you that that could become an issue and not because you aren't great or he isn't into you, but until someone feels ready for commitment they won't budge no matter what. Where is he in his life as correlates with where you are? G 2
Els Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I do think you are obsessing a little bit about the titles. That being said, it does strike me as strange that he is that shifty about calling you his girlfriend, after you've dated for 5 weeks and are planning a couples trip together. I could understand if you were in high school or even college, but you're both adults. You can't make him want to be in a R with you no matter how much you talk about it though. You can either take this or leave it. Personally, I'd give a couple weeks more and then leave.
Iguanna Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I don't quite understand, if you are dating for 5 weeks aren't you simultaneously bf and gf? Why do you have to confirm it? Anyway I'd make a joke like "people at the party were asking where my bf was, so you are now officially my bf! good for you! *haha*" and that's it. If he has something to say about it, he got his chance.
Sand Man Dan Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I think part if the problem is you are putting yourself at his mercy and letting him control the entire ebb and flow of the relationship. Don't be so subdued. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I think it's strange that this is not more straight forward. He probably has some commitment issues and if you are normally a secure person, your instincts are telling you that something is off. He should be wanting to call you his girlfriend. You could just go with the flow and see what happens but I would proceed with caution. Perhaps even keep your options open. 2
Maaikekf Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Frankly, I would just go and ask him right away. You can frame the question any way you want, but you can ask him all the same. "Hey, how do you feel about us, what do you think?" I've just got off a relationship where we didn't communicate enough.. and I've just started one where both of us feel the need to just ask stuff we're not sure about. When in doubt, ask. When insecure, ask. When you feel something, tell it.
FitChick Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Actions speak louder than words. It hasn't even been two months yet he isn't interested in dating other women. He is committed to dating only you. Get it? If labels are so important to you, would you be happier if he married you and called you 'wife' and screwed other women? You are going to blow this relationship big time if you don't back off this line of interrogation. How old are you? You come off like an inexperienced teenager.
Author lamaga Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Actions speak louder than words. It hasn't even been two months yet he isn't interested in dating other women. He is committed to dating only you. Get it? If labels are so important to you, would you be happier if he married you and called you 'wife' and screwed other women? You are going to blow this relationship big time if you don't back off this line of interrogation. How old are you? You come off like an inexperienced teenager. I am 26 years old and I have been in 3 long term relationships, one of which lasted 3,5 years. I am experienced with relationships but I am not used to dating guys who are 5 years younger than me.
Author lamaga Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Perhaps your insecurity comes from the fact that he is 5 years younger than you and younger men are notorious for not making commitments until they are older? I agree with you that that could become an issue and not because you aren't great or he isn't into you, but until someone feels ready for commitment they won't budge no matter what. Where is he in his life as correlates with where you are? G We are both attending the same university and the same program, which is how we met. We both have a passion for travel, politics and worldly issues. We value our friendships and enjoy intellectual stimulating conversation and spending quality time alone but also with friends (his, mine or common friends). All in all, we fit well. He likes different music and isn't as cultured or creative as me, but he says he likes that we are different that way, and he loves learning new things from me. I like that aspect quite much as well. He has been in a 2 year relationship when he was in high school and he has been single for 1,5 years. In 2 months he'll be 22, I'll be 27. The age really is the only thing that's giving me doubts. But he's pretty much said that I am the only one he wants and that he wants to be with me. I just guess that "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing would just make it sound like he is ready for the commitment for me. Maybe it isn't all that important, but I guess this is the first time I am taking my time with getting close to someone (my past longterm relationships usually resulted out of immediate crazy love at first sight).
Els Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Actions speak louder than words. It hasn't even been two months yet he isn't interested in dating other women. He is committed to dating only you. Get it? Exclusivity does not equal commitment. People can even be exclusive FWBs. I agree that actions speak louder than words, but if this guy is shying away whenever the OP talks about relationships at 5 weeks, that's a pretty loud action IMO.
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