SamB167 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I've been friend-zoned! That dreaded place that almost everyone fears when they ask the question... Will you go out with me, bla bla... that sort of sentence. Well I asked a girl who I'm pretty sure I love, and got the answer I feared most... "I see you more of a friend at the moment." What does that mean? "at the moment." does that mean not right now, or never? I don't understand girls/women. There's a few complications involved in this situation, I would like to say relationship but I think that's me trying to convince myself... God I don't know. So the complications 1) She lives 160 miles away 2) She's at uni at the moment, meaning shes slightly closer 130 miles away 3) She's recently finished with a long term boyfriend, when I say recently in the summer. Ok there are a few more complications but there the main. She gives me mixed signals, New Years Eve we went to a family party if you like, she said to me I would grind on you if my parents weren't here, what am I to think when she said that, I didn't provoke her or anything, aswell a couple of weeks ago, she says I wish more men were like you. I'm thinking great she thinks I'm special. Also another text read wanted you to come back could do with a cuddle. Am I just totally out of sync with the actual meanings of those what I think are messages? Sorry for the essay I tried to keep it short then got rambling! Here's a smily for reaching the bottom.
PegNosePete Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 At the moment means at the moment. Sometimes, just sometimes, women mean what they say. Or she's trying to save your feelings. Who knows? Either way it's a "no" so what's the difference really? You shouldn't hang around her waiting for her to change her mind, because that is the way you're LEAST likely to get her to change her mind! women like strong, confident men, not puppy dogs who hang around waiting for their scraps of attention. What seems very likely is that she loves the attention you give her and is keeping you on the line with her mixed signals. She loves the attention but doesn't want to take it further. Are you happy with that arrangement? What you should do is go out with other women, and make sure she knows you're doing so. Not in a nasty way, just in passing. That is what friends do right, they talk about what they're up to in their lives? 2
Author SamB167 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 I know it's a no, for the moment anyway. But the feelings I have for her are pretty strong on my end. I'm not the sort of guy who can easily just move on to other women, I'm pretty one track minded when it comes to say love. I look at other women and think to myself she's still better than them. What makes it diffcult is that I'm not with here often enough. I will see her we will text/chat for about a week then interest seems to fade. I hate that part. So Instead of keep texting etc, I just leave her to it. I understand where your coming from when you say about being strong and confident, A female friend once told me that it's not an attractive trait to put yourself down so often. So I stopped, I don't think I've put myself down infront of a women since then. So I get what your saying. No I hate the arrangement, I don't want to be there just to boost her confidence, I have needs too. I'm not trying to sound harsh, when I say I have needs too, I don't mean I want sex and that's it, ok I would like that to be part of it, but if I was going out with her for months and we still hadn't done it, I would still be there. I want abit more affection, holding hands, chilling and watching a movie on the sofa, just a normal relationship. Fortunately she doesn't cry to me about b/fs. But the mistake I made was I contacted her when I found out she had split up with her long term b/f with two thoughts going through my head, one she could probably use some support, and two show my face let her know that I'm here and I'm always an option. I think that really didn't help me being friend-zoned. It's hard to just go looking for other girls, because I would know that I wouldn't really be interested in them. I would be doing it for the wrong reasons. My biggest failing I think is I'm just too nice a guy, I put peoples feelings before my own pretty much all the time.
ponchsox Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 It means she doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. Accept a friendship or move on. 2
MrCastle Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 At the moment = if I can't get who I really want, maybe I'll give you a call. She doesn't want to give you a finite answer for a multitude of reasons. Doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Wants to keep you around just in case. Doesn't want to lose the attention she's getting from you, etc. You have to walk away as much as it sucks right now. If you see her in a romantic way, and she doesn't feel the same about you -- it will only lead to more heartache. Move on. The sooner the better 3
PegNosePete Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 No I hate the arrangement, I don't want to be there just to boost her confidence, I have needs too. Damn right, we all have needs. Trouble is, she loves the arrangement. It suits her right down to the ground. She is getting her emotional needs fulfilled and loves the attention. So she is never going to say or do anything to change it! "Not at the moment" = "maybe if you hang around for just 1 more week......." and next week you'll get the same story. It's hard to just go looking for other girls, because I would know that I wouldn't really be interested in them. If you try it, you might find it is easier than you think. Maybe not immediately but once you start cutting off emotionally from her, you will find that other women start to look just as good if not better options. Google "oneitis" and how to overcome it. the Urban Dictionary is a bit blunt but actually quite accurate. 1
salparadise Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 What does that mean? "at the moment." does that mean not right now, or never? I don't understand girls/women. she said to me I would grind on you if my parents weren't here, what am I to think when she said that, I didn't provoke her or anything, aswell a couple of weeks ago, she says I wish more men were like you. I'm thinking great she thinks I'm special. Also another text read wanted you to come back could do with a cuddle. Man, you're just thinking about it wrong... you need to pursue. You're three-fourths of the way in already. She's expecting you to be more aggressive so she can feign demure. Enjoy the role play- proceed with confidence and authority.
odin673 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 At the moment= I'm going to string you along as my backup plan. I would distance myself heavily. Don't go after her, let her come to you( don't wait around for this) Next time ask women out before you get too emotionally invested. 2
Author SamB167 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Cheers for the replies, It's just a S*** situation to be in, I'm not used to the friend-zone, I've never been there before. It feels just a waste though. With my first love though everything just felt right, it was great for a time then after a while I started to change, I probably turned into a jealous A**hole that's why it ended, I see that now, but I don't regret it. I do worry that it will happen again though. I've liked her for so long though, 5 years and at the start she was the one who fancied me, although I fancied her too she was only 15 and I was 19 so I didn't pursue the matter and the fact that she didn't live down my street she lived over a 100 miles away, I could drive but I just felt that she was too young, and her parents wouldn't like it one bit... quite understandable, even now though I get on really well with her whole family, even her brother said that he thinks I would make her happy, and that he approves of me going out with her... not that that should really matter, but its still not a bad thing. What makes it worse for me is that everyone who knows that I'm into her says you would make a great couple. I know we would make a great couple, just wish she could see that, when I asked if she liked me she said 'as in fancy?' I said 'yeah as in fancy, I just want to know that I have a chance with you in the future' (not the smoothest wording of the question, but unfortunately I'm not working from a script. I just wanted to know because how I feel about her). The reason I mentioned the future was because the day before I expressed my feelings for her she said she wasn't looking for any relationships right now she was enjoying the freedom, but I just couldn't wait around and be uncertain for anymore time I wanted to know if she really ment it. She replied to me this "I don't know as im not really thinking about relationships and that at the moment so I see you more as a friend but you would make any girl happy because your so lovely and trustworthy so yeah at the moment I see you more as a friend xx" But what confuses me is the last time I met her just before Christmas we were at a family party, and her brother brought up someone from her uni, maybe hinting that she was seeing him, and she got really defensive and told him to shut up and stop being a d*** as if she didn't want me to know about him, why? I do like your post PegNosePete, I've never heard the saying oneitis. Who knows if it is love or oneitis, at the moment I don't, I would rather it not be oneitis.
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 You & many people here are over reading it. Unlike the written work where you can agonize over every vocabulary choice, stuff just pops out of people's mouths without much thought behind them. You want it to be hopeful . . . that someday you'll get out of the friend-zone & be able to date her. It makes sense that based on her word choice you would think that & it does sound like from those words that it's a possibility. Unfortunately, I don't have any reason to believe she put thought behind the word choices. She doesn't see a romantic future. Let her go & move on. With the end of her other relationship, she may not be ready to date again. While she's at uni she may prefer to date guys on campus, rather than have an LDR. She may simply not be attracted to you. I don't know why she doesn't want to date you but why doesn't matter as much as the fact that she doesn't. Sorry.
Author SamB167 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 I does sound rather generic doesn't it, her choice of words. You're lovely but you're more of a friend. blah blah. And probably no she didn't put much thought into the words, but I have no idea what see wants. Like I posted before why tell me she would grind on me if she wasn't interested in me? Because if I wasn't interested in a girl I wouldn't be saying I would grind on you (ok men don't typically grind but you get the point). If im not attracted to a girl, there's not a chance I would flirt with them, because at the end of the day I don't want to end up going home with them. And with my last post, why would she feel she needs to hide what she is doing at uni... Ok I would rather she did, I don't want to know what she gets up to at uni. But why hide it from me if she sees me as only a friend. Was it to make me ask questions (which I didn't), not feel jealous. Man I don't know.
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Because you two have history, maybe when she gets out of uni she'll change her mind. She probably fancies you but doesn't want to deal with a relationship with you right now because of your life stages. When you met the timing wasn't right because she was too young. Now, in college she may want to date a college boy just because it's fun to have a BF on campus on your same schedule. You are out in the real world & not available for spur of the moment hi-jinx. For now let it be. When she's graduating, get her a small gift or a card. See where both of you are in your lives at that point.
Author SamB167 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) I think I will still stay in touch with her although not regularly, not that it's super regular now, but we do get on like a house on fire. I just wish I could do something to sway her, that's not going to take nearly 2 years till she graduates and see how she feels then. Alot could change by then, at her end but aswell at my end. If I end up in a relationship with another girl, and she comes along and then wants more I will go mad. That wouldn't be fair. But before that whole scenario, just the idea of dating another girl now doesn't feel right. I'm stuck in two minds, I'm bored of being single it's been too long now, I would like a g/f, someone to spend my time with. But all I can think about is wanting to spend it with her shes gorgeous, why I get myself in these messes, I will never know. To be frank. I don't go to pubs all that often, I'm not into my drink really, I don't like clubbing, the music is generally s***e so where would I even start looking, because to me those are the main places people pick each other up. People say about online dating, I've thought about it but never pursued it. A friend of mine jokingly brought me an online dating book for christmas... I haven't opened the first page yet, never really had any intention to until now. It would be nice to get some dates, but it would only be to let her know that I'm in demand (that's what I think at the moment anyway). Which I hope would course her to change her mind, I would be nice to turn the tables, but where to start? For instance she's just snapchatted me with a selfie of her making a kissing face and her hamster saying "just chilling"... how is that helping me lol I find it virtually impossible to not reply anything back. I've resisted at the moment. The annoying thing is she's inadvertently screwing with my head. Feelings are a such a nuisance. Edited January 3, 2014 by SamB167 just thought I would include abit more detail
365daysgone Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I think I will still stay in touch with her although not regularly, not that it's super regular now, but we do get on like a house on fire. I just wish I could do something to sway her, that's not going to take nearly 2 years till she graduates and see how she feels then. Alot could change by then, at her end but aswell at my end. If I end up in a relationship with another girl, and she comes along and then wants more I will go mad. That wouldn't be fair. But before that whole scenario, just the idea of dating another girl now doesn't feel right. I'm stuck in two minds, I'm bored of being single it's been too long now, I would like a g/f, someone to spend my time with. But all I can think about is wanting to spend it with her shes gorgeous, why I get myself in these messes, I will never know. To be frank. I don't go to pubs all that often, I'm not into my drink really, I don't like clubbing, the music is generally s***e so where would I even start looking, because to me those are the main places people pick each other up. People say about online dating, I've thought about it but never pursued it. A friend of mine jokingly brought me an online dating book for christmas... I haven't opened the first page yet, never really had any intention to until now. It would be nice to get some dates, but it would only be to let her know that I'm in demand (that's what I think at the moment anyway). Which I hope would course her to change her mind, I would be nice to turn the tables, but where to start? For instance she's just snapchatted me with a selfie of her making a kissing face and her hamster saying "just chilling"... how is that helping me lol I find it virtually impossible to not reply anything back. I've resisted at the moment. The annoying thing is she's inadvertently screwing with my head. Feelings are a such a nuisance.let it go. Stop thinking about it. You are in love with the POSSIBILITY not HER. Judging by your constant long replies, you are incredibly emotionally invested in her. Understand how many woman there are in the world. Understand the unlikelyhood of her being the one. Understand that if you try to stop thinking about her TODAY, in two months you won't even feel much for her. But you need to accept it - as hard as it may be - and move on NOW. It is HER loss.
colombiana28 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I would move on if I were you. She's not interested. Look, some women just suck. I am a woman. And I have kept guys in my life who I am not romantically interested in. Why? Because I enjoy the companionship of a guy who likes me and who will go out of his way to be emotional support. I've even drunkenly kissed a couple of them. I know all about daddy/abandonment issues. It makes me want to pursue edgy, sexual, emotionally unavailable guys who have lots of options. The sweet, upstanding friend who "doesn't much like pubs, drinking, clubbing, etc" and who doesn't cop a sneaky feel (or something) when I tell him I wanted him to grind on me would sound SOOOOOOOOOOOO boring (ESPECIALLY to 19 year old me!), but he's the dependable one that you keep in your pocket for validation when all the players leave you in the dust. Trust me, the best thing you could do is MOVE ON and start detaching yourself emotionally. This will make other women more attractive, I promise. Once you land a cute girlfriend, Miss Pedestal here will come running...trust me. Will DEFINITELY want to have sex with you, maybe even be in a relationship, but she will get bored, and you could very much probably get your heart ripped to shreds. Many young, attractive women are simply not interested in the good, dependable guy, especially if it seems they only have eyes for that girl. Young women want to be chosen by attractive guys with lots of options. They're definitely not goinna go for the BFF who pussyfoots around them. Just some cold, hard facts. Sorry we suck so much.
Author SamB167 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 yeah you do... lol just kidding. Why did I have to be the nice guy, I should have been the a**hole. It sucks but nevermind, I got myself in this mess I will get myself out of it. I know I'm not a bad looking bloke, I don't think it will take me long to find a g/f if I took the time to go looking. It's just getting started. I do hope that she feels she's the looser at the end of the day. Time will tell.
colombiana28 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 yeah you do... lol just kidding. Why did I have to be the nice guy, I should have been the a**hole. It sucks but nevermind, I got myself in this mess I will get myself out of it. I know I'm not a bad looking bloke, I don't think it will take me long to find a g/f if I took the time to go looking. It's just getting started. I do hope that she feels she's the looser at the end of the day. Time will tell. That's the attitude to have! Good luck - you do deserve way better.
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