how to move out?

[makeithappen]

Hello all,

 

this is my first post, so I'll present myself quickly. I am a 23 year-old Phd student in the UK. Thanks to God I earned a full scholarship, so I have maintenance fees of just under 16 000 pounds per annum, and a part-time job where I earn roughly 450 pounds a month.

Relations with my strict family have been shaky for a few years. It kept on going from bad to worse until this year, when I revealed to my family that because of them, I was getting therapy sessions. I also left home without telling them for a few days. When I came back, I realised that my oldest sisters (one of the major causes of my pain) stopped being so aggressive with me. They used to be verbally and physically abusive towards me if I ever did or said anything that they disapproved of (they were the ones who convinced my parents of being more strict with me).

Anyways, I thought that things really did improve. Yet, I quicky realised that this was superficial. Whilst I was left alone, my parents would still irk at the thought of me finally getting a social life (going to the movies/restaurant/meet ups with friends). They basically disapprove of my friends because they are not from my culture/religion. I told them they did not have to worry, they may not be from our community, but they never tried to influence me. In fact, I do not shy from saying no when I feel uncomfortable with something.

Anyways, since I came back, the whoel household became more strict. My younger siblings are being more controlled. My little sister who is a young teenager, does not socialise with her friends.

 

So back at the start of the academic term, I applied for university accommodation. I got a room, but since then, I have been trying to let my parents take it up because I am bound by a contract and I have to pay because no one else has been willing to take it up. They refused and threatened me with disowning me if I ever left. In the end, I stayed and paid the first term's installment. I resent them. They told me I was wrong for making a decision like that behind their back and I have to pay for it by letting my money being wasted away like that.

I feel like I will always resent them if I stay, yet when arguing to them about moving out, I back down because of fear and guilt. My mum gaveme a pretty sad face when I told her. I retracted my decision.

 

That was last term. A few days ago, I reiterated the argument. Thye told me again the same thing: if you leave, we wont' want you back and accept you as one of our family. Forget us once you leave.

 

I think I am nevertheless mentally prepared to leave. Yet, I have so much stuff and do not know how to carry them all in one go. I'll have to take the train. My mum had told me last term that I will only be allowed one journey. I would not be let in to take the remaining stuff and leave again.

 

I am trying to pack up, but I have way too much stuff. I have too many books/clothes/beauty products that I will need. I really tried to get rid of the unecessary, but one journey will simply not be enough.

 

Meanwhile, whilst I told them I want to leave, I did not give them a date yet. We are a big family, and I realised that mornings are best, yet I will be back with my luggage in the late morning/early afternoon, so that will look suspicious.

 

 

Please help me out. Words of encouragement as well would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you.

 

 

Sorry for the long post.

[ASG]

I think you should indeed leave.

 

Your family might even change their minds once you do. And if not... really, I think it's for the best.

 

As for the moving out... How far away is your campus? Every time I've moved house )and it has happened a few times) I have used mini cabs to transport everything.

I now have too much stuff to carry in a regular car, so the last time I moved I rented a zip van. I didn't drive it, but a friend did. Can you do something like that? It's not that expensive and it's much easier than taking everything on a train. You'll be overwhelmed.

 

So think about that and goof luck

[makeithappen]

I think you should indeed leave.

 

Your family might even change their minds once you do. And if not... really, I think it's for the best.

 

As for the moving out... How far away is your campus? Every time I've moved house )and it has happened a few times) I have used mini cabs to transport everything.

I now have too much stuff to carry in a regular car, so the last time I moved I rented a zip van. I didn't drive it, but a friend did. Can you do something like that? It's not that expensive and it's much easier than taking everything on a train. You'll be overwhelmed.

 

So think about that and goof luck

 

 

A van is too expensive as there is quite a distance. I was thinking of using a rucksak and making multile journeys in a day whilst only telling them for good that I will be leaving when I will be doing my last journey? It takes about 1hr15 mins by train to get there.

 

I know I want to do this, it is just the whole facing them up again and seeing their reaction that is scaring me. They will go mad. I know that. I can't wait for all of this to be over!

[turnera]

You have the keys to the room, right? Get a duffle bag, and each day fill it with your stuff and go to the room and empty the bag. The next day, do it again. Rinse and repeat until all your stuff is gone. Then just don't come home. Write them a nice long letter explaining WHY this was necessary and asking them to consider not alienating your younger siblings like they did with you. Then disappear from their lives for a few months.

 

ETA: Oh, I see you and I came up with the same idea! Must be right, then!

[d0nnivain]

My mother disowned me when I moved out. She got over it in about a year.

[ASG]

My mother disowned me when I moved out. She got over it in about a year.

 

I remember my mom being really angry when I decided to move out. Like, *really* angry. We would fight about it a LOT!

Even though I've always had a good relationship with my family, things got a bit tense when we were doing renovations to the house (to the point where we actually had to move out for a couple of months) and they wanted me to give up my bedroom to make it a dinning room and move into a cupboard room.

I was having none of it. And they said, if I didn't, then I wouldn't have new furniture (which everyone was getting). So I decided it was time to spread my wings.

Boy, did my mom take it badly! We fought A LOT during that time. But when I did move out, she started calling me every day, just to check in (even though I was a 5m drive away!)

 

So do it. The doing it bit by bit seems like a good idea! Good luck and I'm sure things will calm down at some point.

[makeithappen]

Thank you everyone!

 

After having had a violent fight with one of my older sisters shortly after I posted my message, I think I should just move out and then let them know later. Today made me realise that nothing will change: my siblings will remain abusive and my parents cannot do much about it, no matter how much they break us apart during fights. In my house, my three older sisters all in their mid to late 20s, rule, but ruthlessly. Here, physical strength dictates who has power, and since I have none and always end up being beaten after each dispute, I think it is high time I distance myself from this environment. I am o fed up. No one has ever been so physically abusive towards me as my siblings. I am angry at myself for not having found the strength to leave earlier.

[d0nnivain]

Don't be angry at yourself. Celebrate the fact that you are now making the best decisions for you.

[mrs rubble]

Good luck with the move.

 

It sounds awful at your family home.

Don't look back.

 

Enjoy a peaceful, violence free future. This is your right.

You owe it to any future off-spring of your own to stop this cycle now.

 

Stay strong.

[Tayla]

Thank you everyone!

 

After having had a violent fight with one of my older sisters shortly after I posted my message, I think I should just move out and then let them know later. Today made me realise that nothing will change: my siblings will remain abusive and my parents cannot do much about it, no matter how much they break us apart during fights. In my house, my three older sisters all in their mid to late 20s, rule, but ruthlessly. Here, physical strength dictates who has power, and since I have none and always end up being beaten after each dispute, I think it is high time I distance myself from this environment. I am o fed up. No one has ever been so physically abusive towards me as my siblings. I am angry at myself for not having found the strength to leave earlier.

 

The Bold part is a state of current stance, things and people do change..some for the better, some not so much. You're ability to stand up for yourself and move on to a better circumstance will have an affact on them, and in turn that will change them. Some people (parents particularly) have a hard time seeing a child of theirs as an adult....its the leaving the nest and their own abandonment issues surface. In time they will come around to understanding your need to leave...I sincerely hope you find a level of peace and knowledge in your new choices and next journey in adulthood. Best to you.

[dreamingoftigers]

The Bold part is a state of current stance, things and people do change..some for the better, some not so much. You're ability to stand up for yourself and move on to a better circumstance will have an affact on them, and in turn that will change them. Some people (parents particularly) have a hard time seeing a child of theirs as an adult....its the leaving the nest and their own abandonment issues surface. In time they will come around to understanding your need to leave...I sincerely hope you find a level of peace and knowledge in your new choices and next journey in adulthood. Best to you.

 

A lot with this dynamic dont change the underlying attitude though.

 

OP. I am so glad that you arent'in denial about that. I wrote a very long response to you that i'll post when my other phone is charged.

[makeithappen]

A lot with this dynamic dont change the underlying attitude though.

 

OP. I am so glad that you arent'in denial about that. I wrote a very long response to you that i'll post when my other phone is charged.

 

 

Thank you.

 

I wrote another post detailing how things went when I tried to leave. I am now in a position where I do not know how to take my belongings back without much drama.

[turnera]

makeithappen, the stuff you left behind is just that - stuff.

 

You have the rest of your life ahead of you to replace 'stuff.'

[makeithappen]

I came back and I regret it!

 

 

Why did I come back?

I got scared at not being able to be smart with my money, bu then figured out that even by being here, I actually became even more careless.

 

I felt too guilty leaving my parents like that, but then realised that they would simply not bulge from their positions (I as unhappy with some restrictions at home, and none of that changed)

 

I did not realise I was still liable for the fees at my uni (for the room I rented). I thought I could cancel it easily. Mistake!

 

 

ANyways, I know told my mum that I need to pay nevertheless because that is how it works (they need to find someone who takes over before cancelling my contract - and they repeated it to me over and over again).

Her reply: "ok, pay but you will stay here!" I was outraged at this, and I was mad that she did not care about me wasting money on a room I did not inhabit! She does not like the idea of me living on my own because she already disapproves of my coming home late (11pm) from...the theatre!

 

She told me: "tell your father, but with me it is clear: you move, you forget us as your family!"

 

So, what to tell my father?

 

I know he will refuse. He already made it clear before.

 

 

Yet, I am adamant on moving. How to do it whilst incurring little conflict? I already know there will be massive argument with my father when I tell him!

 

Thanks, and sorry for bringing this up again! I thought things would change for the better (I felt guilty driving my parents mad, and the guilt prevented me from enjoying the relatively short time I spent away from them).

[turnera]

The bottom line is, you're an adult. At some point, you're going to have to make decisions because they benefit YOU, not because you're being guilted. You'll have lots of other times in your life and with your parents (no, they are not going to disown you just because you do this - it's just what they're used to doing with you) where you have to 'be the bad guy'. And you're going to learn that it's ok, that you'll still survive. It's scary at your age, but you WILL figure it out.

 

 

Do what you need to do - for YOU.

[dreamingoftigers]

It will probably take a few tries to work up the escape velocity to escape the gravitational pull of this Gas Giant of a family.

 

Figure out what you are doing to sabotage you engine before you run out of oxygen.

[makeithappen]

It will probably take a few tries to work up the escape velocity to escape the gravitational pull of this Gas Giant of a family.

 

Figure out what you are doing to sabotage you engine before you run out of oxygen.

 

 

sorry I don't understand.

[dreamingoftigers]

sorry I don't understand.

 

Families with this much manipulative pull WILL cause you to doubt yourself when you are on your own.

 

In typical healthy families, a child is encouraged to make friendships, explore and find their place in the world. They end up with many support systems.

 

In your case, your family was pathologically abusive, making it hard for you to form outside supports

Part of the mechanism they use to control you is by cutting into your self-worth and competency. And by threatening isolation.

 

So essentially the threat is this:

 

-be all alone, scared and incompetent

OR

-stay home where you can be "protected" and "maintained."

 

But in reality it is a FALSE choice.

The reality is that YOU WILL form outside supports and attachments. Seek counseling as well. If you get some EMDR for the abusive trauma that you've been put through, then their threats won't even BOTHER you.

 

You are getting older. You KNOW intellectually that they are very toxic and you haven't been able to set a healthy boundary with them because they are so rigid.

 

(Boundaries by Cloud & Townshend)

 

they also have infused in you a fear of being on your own in the world.

Yes the world can be a dark and scary place. BUT I GUARANTEE YOU, it is 80% better than they have portrayed it.

 

Your friends aren't "bad people" and "bad influences." If they are, you'll be rid of them in time.

 

You CAN DO this.

I did it when I was 17.

You'll be surprised how relieved you are after thr first week. Surprised how much your anxiety came down!

 

Then, you'll go through a little depression and self-doubt for a few months because your brain is adjusting to a "new and better normal" and trying to rest up and heak itself to make new attachments. It may feel a little isolated.

 

Go through it with a counselor.

Write down three good experiences everyday.

 

When they contact you they will guilt you, shame you make you doubt yourself.

But the more you put into loving you, the better your shield gets at deflecting the arrows and the more you can hold your head up about your decision to OWN YOUR LIFE no matter the consequences.

 

You aren't going to feel like a warrior all at once but YOU CAN DO THIS!

 

THE MONEY WILL COME once you commit to the decision.

[makeithappen]

So I talked to my father for the nth time, and he still won't bulge from his position. I want to go regardless of his position,but not by creating conflict. I hate conflict. I am thinking of packing my stuff and going at some point next week. I want to make a single trip, to avoid dragging the issue (this time, I will take EVERYTHING I need!).

 

I just don't know how to tackle the actual moving out: leave in the morning and tell no one, or leave when they're home, so that they know I am moving out? But this will create an argument! Yet leaving and telling them afterwards would make me feel bad. Arghh, what to do? It was those scenes before I left that made me come back, but then I feel dishonest sneaking out like that!

[makeithappen]

It's me again! So after having carefully listened to my father, it appears that he is dead against me moving out because he thinks I am on the wrong path, and living on my own will encourage me to do all sort of things, and therefore, I will come back crawling to them after having done some terrible mistake (I guess he means debauchery).

 

To be honest, it is true: I do come home late (well 11pm), I do want to get to know a guy (I am not allowed to, so I wonder how they think I will get married?), I do want to travel abroad on my own, I do have friends they don't approve of, etc.... They are aware of all of this, and they're scared that letting me live on my own will make it worse.

 

I was raised believing that their socially conservative attitude is ok. Yet, it also led them to be narrow-minded, which infuriates me. I am scared as well though. Scared that I might end up doing the very things they're telling I will do. I am scared of myself and what I might end up doing. I don't trust myself.

 

Sorry for dragging this issue, but I am so confused. I want to break free, but then they won't speak to me for a while, which will affect my performance at uni. I wasted so many days thinkiing of this.

[Solcita2]

I think you're your worst enemy... why do you keep looking for aproval when you know you won't get it?

 

Why do you want to leave when everybody is around when you know that will end up in a drama?

 

Why this time you think you will be able to get all your stuff at once when it was impossible before?

 

dreamingoftigers was VERY CLEAR in her reply... I agree 110% on everything she said.

 

I'd suggest:

1) Therapy for you

2) Start moving stuff every day a little bit... and when all is out, then I'd say, I moved out... I hope you change your mind about it, I just can't go on living like this

3) More therapy for you.

[makeithappen]

I think you're your worst enemy... why do you keep looking for aproval when you know you won't get it?

Why do you want to leave when everybody is around when you know that will end up in a drama?

 

Why this time you think you will be able to get all your stuff at once when it was impossible before?

 

dreamingoftigers was VERY CLEAR in her reply... I agree 110% on everything she said.

 

I'd suggest:

1) Therapy for you

2) Start moving stuff every day a little bit... and when all is out, then I'd say, I moved out... I hope you change your mind about it, I just can't go on living like this

3) More therapy for you.

 

 

Since we last had an argument about it yesterday, there is already some drama, with my mum using guilt to make me stay and my father no longer speaking to me. He swore that once I leave, he will never forgive me. I am scared because my religion repeats over and over again that Paradise is under the feet of the mother, that we should do good to our parents, that if we disobey them, we're disobeying God, and therefore, it's a sin.

 

I am scared that because of me, something bad happens to my parents (my mum told me I made my dad's health deteriorate after I told him my decision to move out).

 

 

You see I am stuck: I want to pursue my own happiness, be my own authority, but guilt of my moving out leading to bad consequences is preventing me from taking the step. I will never forgive myself if my dad gets a heart attack, or my mum's wellbeing becomes affected because their daughter left.

 

I am hating this dilemma.

[ASG]

Since we last had an argument about it yesterday, there is already some drama, with my mum using guilt to make me stay and my father no longer speaking to me. He swore that once I leave, he will never forgive me. I am scared because my religion repeats over and over again that Paradise is under the feet of the mother, that we should do good to our parents, that if we disobey them, we're disobeying God, and therefore, it's a sin.

 

I am scared that because of me, something bad happens to my parents (my mum told me I made my dad's health deteriorate after I told him my decision to move out).

 

 

You see I am stuck: I want to pursue my own happiness, be my own authority, but guilt of my moving out leading to bad consequences is preventing me from taking the step. I will never forgive myself if my dad gets a heart attack, or my mum's wellbeing becomes affected because their daughter left.

 

I am hating this dilemma.

 

That is all there is. GUILT.

 

DO you want to be manipulated??? Isn't that THE REASON you want to move out???

 

Then do. Nothing will happen to your parents. And if it does, it is NOT your fault.

If you believe in heaven, you will still go to heaven. Moving out against your parents wishes is not that big of a deal.

 

Also, you need to grow up and be an adult. They need to understand that.

[turnera]

Usually, universities have a therapist you can go see. I'd look to see if yours has one, and start going. He/she will help you start to build up your self confidence.