justnotmeanymore Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Am I crazy for wanting this even though I'm the one who has asked for a separation? Long story short: H cheated, we're living under one roof atm (financially cannot do two places), I feel nothing towards H but am able to detach myself during sex . We're slowly communicating better. Is it possible to help or hinder progress?
thompkevin Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I think it will hinder the progress. If I were you, I'd try to avoid it. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Is it possible to help or hinder progress? There is no rule book, once fully informed you should do what works for you. Sex during separation/divorce certainly has the potential to add layers of complication. If you're able to deal with that, the rest is up to you and your partner. I'd filter any outside advice through the knowledge that people are speaking from their own unique experience which may be very different from yours. How do you feel after sex with him? Mr. Lucky
Author justnotmeanymore Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 That's just it. Every time we had sex after his affair I would find myself comparinga and judging myself against those other women. I would enjoy it but my guilt of trying to please him and not myself would get the better of me. Not to mention the images I had running through my mind also. Now since speaking with him in lengths about how I was feeling during that time, I've come to"man up" as such (as much as a woman can) and have owned that I will never compare myself ever again. If I'm not enough for him then he knows where the door is. I will not judge myself anymore. I uses to enjoy sex with him. Before these issues arose we'd be spontaneous and it was great. I want to get back to that but I'm worried he will take ot the wrong way. I have told him it would mean nothing just self gratification. There would be no "love" involved. I think I can detach my emotions better now than I could 6 months ago. I'd like any other stores whether good or bad though.
RightThere Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I'd like any other stores whether good or bad though. My STBXW and I would have sex during our fake reconciliation. I also found I was trying way harder to please her, which was good in a lot of ways, but I could tell she wasn't all there. Downside was I did knock her up and we found out shortly after we had our first "enough is enough" separation. Terrible time because she was back with her OM while she was pregnant. We kinda got back together, she miscarried, and we ended up calling it quits later anyways. Moral of the story is the last thing you probably want to happen while separating could happen, which would throw a huge wrench into everything.
Author justnotmeanymore Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Least I know that falling pregnant isn't possible right now. Thank goodness for birth control.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Thank goodness for birth control. I was making that same statement as each of my four kids were conceived ... Mr. Lucky
Author justnotmeanymore Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 I was making that same statement as each of my four kids were conceived ... Mr. Lucky I understand not all forms are 100% but I believe mine is pretty close to it. Then again I suppose surprises happen. Least I know the form I'm using has worked for 3 years compared to ordinary pills etc. That being said definitely definitely definitely not contemplating a baby. Kids do not bridge the gaps in relationships. I wanted a 4th for so long and maybe a part of my wanting that and H not may have contributed to why he strayed. But he's still yet to mention that. As far as he's discussed with me, it was him not being able to understand that though I was "emotionally unavailable" at times he should have seen I was showing him love just not the ways he was expecting it. We've talked about the events that lead him to do what he did and although that's not the end of our problems it's helped clarify things a bit for me to start to move past that. Do I trust him? No I still have urges but I can separate the love from sex now. I do not love my husband right now. I feel nothing. But we're trying to be friends. Trying to know the people we have become. As I said to H yesterday, the person he married doesn't exist anymore. I'm so much stronger, so much more determined to never repeat my crap communication skills and to voice myself and my feelings regardless of whether they will hurt anyone. No more egg shells. He seems ok with that. Though he says he's still in love with me I worry he will not be able to dettach. Someone said that it may rekindle things.... but I am unsure if thats what I want. Work in progress. Has anyone had success in this area?
Mystery2Me Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 No-No..at least for me. During early separation I did love my former husband, but I could not have sex with someone who had cheated. So for me it would be even more difficult if I did not love them. In the end if your unsure or do not want to re-kindle the realtionship why create emotional baggage you will have to eventually unpack. You know the effects of sex-induced brain chemistry...blah...blah. Yep, it is real....so why have to fight against that with all of the real stuff going on. For me that level of empty sex was not worth it especially with an adulterer. I refused to dis-honor myself with someone who had dishonored me and himself. Wishing the you the best.
Author justnotmeanymore Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 M2M you make a good point. Makes for interesting thinking now. Thanks
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