Help with getting over it

[Miffy]

I need some help. I think I am getting better but not yet there and from time to time feel very depressed.

 

I am married with two young children and embarked on an affair with someone who has children but is not 'with' ex although they were living together.

 

Its a long story which has spread over a year with me at one stage teeling my husband I was leaving but did not tell him about the other man but then doubts started arising about my other man. He is quite nice looking, italian and has a way with the women. He told me lots of nice things and I believed him - I have been with my husband 15 years - my first true love - so probably I am just naeive about the other man.

 

He has my on the end of a string making up reasons why I can't text at certain times and going from boiling hot to cold over the space of hours.

 

Its not that I want this man anymore but I can;t stop thinking about him - things were nice once - I can;t get him out of my head and want too so much so that I can get on with life instead of pining at a memory.

 

I don;t need criticism please I give myself enough guilt trips as it is I just want advice and some good tips from anyone who has been there please.

[whichwayisup]

Treat it as like any other relationship that has ended...Keep busy, talk to friend and family if you can or even see a therapist to help get over the pain and loss. Even treat it like a death. Keep posting here too, venting seems to really help alot! Not just about relationships, but anything that seems to just get you down in general.

 

Make a list of all the good things and another with the bad things. Concentrate on knowing that at one time you both meant something to eachother, remember he is now your past, not present or future. The bad memories will help you cope and see the pain that was caused. Allow yourself to grieve and feel the loss too.

 

Then one day your heart will just accept it then your mind will to. Soon enough he will be out of your blood and you can feel better. Also takes 30 days to create a habit, but another 30 days to get rid of one. Think of it as quitting smoking!

 

Good luck!!

[mourningMM]

You say you are married.

 

You know you need a distraction from the other man.

 

Why not invest your time and your energy in reconnecting with your husband. I'm sure that it would be good for you and your children to find ways to spend time with him.

 

That is if he hasn't already moved on since you "teed him"

[Miffy]

Thank you both for your kind replies. I will try all that you say and yes husband is still here and totally unaware of whats happened. I cant talk to family but have some good friends although they are fed up with me moping over a loser so its nice to be able to come on here and vent to others who can offer 'anonymous' advice!

 

I have cut all contact with him so hopefully 30 days of abstination will get him out of my system.

 

They say everything in life happens for a reason but I wish I had never met him....

[Owl]

I've been where your husband is at in this, so I can in some ways understand what you're going through by looking back on what my wife went through.

 

You've given up contact with this man. Good. Keep it that way...in fact, take whatever extreme steps you need to in order to ENSURE that he'll never be back in your life again.

 

I agree with the advice you've been given suggesting that you start spending your energy in re-connecting with your husband. You may not be able to really do much about that until the really crushing part of the "withdrawl" that you're going through for your OM is done. That typically takes 3-4 weeks for most people to get over the worst of it...but you're likely to continue to feel some for him for a long time to come.

 

If you'd like some honest advice on how to get things right, I'd suggest you also post this over on the Infidelity board here on LS.

 

Here are my suggestions tho...

 

1. End contact with the OM completely and irrevocably. It sounds like you've already done this...see, you're already doing the right things!!!

 

2. The REAL hard part...come clean with your husband. You'll come up with a thousand reasons why you shouldn't do this...but you should still do this. You are NOT protecting your husband by not telling him...you're only letting him live in a lie. You've ALREADY hurt him, he just doesn't know it yet. (I'm not judging or bashing here friend...I'm just being honest with you). If he is still someone you love, then you owe him the truth. And, this marriage...it's BOTH of yours. He needs to know what you've done, so that he too can decide whether or not what you've got is worth fixing. Not to mention that he already knows that something is wrong...he just doesn't know what yet. All he knows is that you've become emotionally distant from him, and that you're hurt and confused over something...and he's likely waiting for you to tell him what it is. Lastly...it will do a world of good for you to finally get this off of your chest. Talk to Sweetz, who posts on here on LS. She'll tell you her story. You truly CAN'T start re-building your marriage without being honest to him...it just will NOT work.

 

3. Get counseling. Both individual and joint if you can. He'll need it to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions he's about to be set on. You'll need it to deal with the grief you're feeling over the loss of your OM, and the guilt of what you've done to your husband and marriage. And you both need to work together in joint counseling to find out what it was you're both lacking in your marriage that led to this affair in the first place. There was a REASON why this happened...so figure out what it was and fix it!!

 

4. Start working on what the both of you need...you're going to have to help your husband deal with a LOT of issues after this comes out. And he needs to help you as well. That is, if the two of you decide to try to fix things. It's going to be the toughest thing you've EVER done...I KNOW. But it's worth it if the two of you can work through it.

 

Good luck friend!