Kiti Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) Long story. Married for 21 years. He has spent 4-6 months for the last 7 years away from me o/s sailing in while brought daughter up who is now 21. Found out about his affair 2 years ago. Got divorced but he never left. I allowed him to stay in family home. Always promised that he was not still in contact but during the last 2 years he has had 2 phones on the go. One always hidden and on a pre paid basis. The other heavily pass coded. He is very secretive - says that that is who is. He freaks out if I touch his phones or computer which I don't as they are passcode locked. When I found out about the other woman I couldn't cope with him sneaking off and lying but still living with me and had a nervous breakdown. He also assaulted me as I threatened to commit suicide which I know was wrong but I just couldn't cope. We then healed from this - he was arrested but I did not testify and he was not convicted and he said he would try really hard to make things work. I went o/s with him for 2 months had a great time except that I could still never relax as I always felt that he still had contact with the other woman. He accused me of not making me happy as I was always watching him to see if he was up to something. He said he felt trapped. So a few days ago I found that he still has his second phone going. He then admitted that he was still in contact with the other woman and she was his soulmate. Couldn't get her out of his system even though he had tried very hard. Their relationship also seems to be a bit rocky. He has now left saying that he loves me dearly but can't give me the type of love I need. I am the most important person in his life and he has to do this to test himself. He has left without providing for my daughter or me or giving me a bit of time to pull myself together to be able to care for my daughter - this after telling him that I could not cope - will lose my job and asking him to at least care for her until I felt a bit better. My daughter is so disappointed in her father. Can this every heal? Kiti Edited January 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
chelsea2011 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) Have you thought about going to counseling? Edited January 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author Kiti Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) Yes been to counselling and also landed up in a clinic to try and recover. Smiley face looks terrible - this is so not funny at all. Edited January 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Arieswoman Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Hi Kiti, First of all let me just say how sorry I am to hear you are in this situation. Now, take a look again at what you say you husband said ;- He has now left saying that he loves me dearly but can't give me the type of love I need. I am the most important person in his life and he has to do this to test himself. What a crock. The only person he loves is himself and that looks like it isn't going to change any time soon. So you need to love yourself. Start now. You say you "can't cope". Yes, you can. If you feel like you are coming unglued get medical help and counselling. You say you are divorced but "he never left". That sounds odd. Anyway if you are divorced he isn't responsible for you anymore, sorry to sound cruel but it's true. Your daughter is 21, she's an adult and doesn't need "looking after". So you need to work on yourself. Get a "support system", friends, family, therapists, counsellors, priest/pastor and use them to help you move forward. Good Luck. 1
BrokenPrincess Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 If your daughter is 21, why do you expect him to provide for her it give you time to prepare on how to care for her?? It sounds like you really need additional professional help to manage your mental stability. Your ex-husband is not equipped to help you improve your coping skills.
chelsea2011 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Oh my goodness - did not know that I had put that there. Now I don't know how to get rid of it. Thanks for your response. Yes been to counselling and also landed up in a clinic to try and recover. Smiley face looks terrible - this is so not funny at all. No worries. Have you thought about working with your therapist and psychiatrist to help you see the reasons why you allow things to spin out of control? Once you figure that out it might help you identify the warning signs ahead of time so you can take proper precautions to prevent it from spiraling out of control. Question and I'm not trying to sound harsh or accusatory. Do you use this to manipulate people into doing what you want?
Oldspiceywolf Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 He'll be back if you let him because he's selfish. Do whatever you can to make sure he never wants to come back if you don't have the power to say no. You have to take control of your life one way or another. He only cares for himself and will give you what you want when it suits him to.
Oldspiceywolf Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Take the time and write it out! Id love to read all of it. Maybe it will be more clear for you once you see it. 1
Author Kiti Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 No worries. Have you thought about working with your therapist and psychiatrist to help you see the reasons why you allow things to spin out of control? Once you figure that out it might help you identify the warning signs ahead of time so you can take proper precautions to prevent it from spiraling out of control. Question and I'm not trying to sound harsh or accusatory. Do you use this to manipulate people into doing what you want? I'm not sure as to what you mean? Use what? Could you clarify. Thanks so much
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