dirgeofthedawn Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) Hey all, Strap yourselves in, because this is a long one. (Quick Note - We are in our mid-20's) About three years ago I met the girl of my dreams. Initially, our relationship progressed well, and we were both deeply in love. However, about 7 months in she had to leave our home city up to New York, which put her about 4 hours away. At the time I was, I'll admit, a very jealous and immature guy. I was terrified at the idea of infidelity, and would constantly harass her and check her facebook, emails, etc. I would constantly put her down and take her time away from making friends, and I was, in general, an *******. As time went by, things got better, but I remained, at my core, a dick. About 6 months ago she moved back down from New York and was a half hour away again, which was fantastic! The only problem was... that by this point things had begun to get worse. I had gained weight and found myself in a rut, and took it all out on her again. Eventually, she came to me and said that she felt all these things were wrong, and in my usual fashion, I told her she was the wrong one. That's when she dropped the bomb, and told me we should take a break. I clung desperately to her, and immediately tried to change all of the stupid behaviors that I'd found were negative. However, the damage had already been done. We spoke the day of my birthday in privacy, with her coming over and letting both of us speak our sides. She said she didn't feel the same level of closeness she'd felt a year ago, and that despite the changes I had tried to make, that she felt it was time for her to be independent and live her life without me. She said she'd felt afraid of me for a while, and when I asked her why she had never told me about it, she responded plainly with, "Because I was already afraid." We admitted that we still loved each other, but that she felt she needed to be independent and that I needed to change. It's been about two weeks since then, and we've undergone no contact. But here's the kicker - that day we spoke, I asked her if she ever thought there was a chance we could try and reconcile. Throughout the three years we dated, she never broke my trust or lied to me about something important. She told me that despite all the things that had happened between us, that I was still important to her and that she still loved me - just not in the same way as it had been before. She said she still believes we can work, but that she needs time to figure out who she is and experience a life without a boyfriend for a while. She said that I needed to work on the problems I had in my life - my anger, my anxiety, my trust issues - and get myself together as well. The last thing we did before we left is trade rings. I had given her a ring as a sign of love some time into our relationship, and she had done the same to me a bit later. She told me that, when she was ready, we could trade those rings back and put them back on, to symbolize a new start. At the end of the day, though, she needed space, and said that my attempts at constantly trying to see her, contact her, etc, were just making her want to distance herself even farther - hence the full NC. Since then, I've made the decision to change myself. Though it will take time, I've begun taking steps towards conquering the issues that plagued my relationship both with my ex and with myself. I've gone out and found a therapist to work with on a weekly basis, and have also gotten a trainer at my local gym to help do away with one of the major insecurities I've always had with myself. I opened up to my family about the things I had done to my girlfriend, and asked them for their support as I try to become a stronger and better version of myself (this entailed a lot of crying and shame, but I'm glad I did it - it's made the bond between my mother, brother and I much stronger). I'm getting a job in hopes of saving enough to move out on my own, and am dedicated at eradicating the awful person I had been. So now I'm here, posting to get an opinion. Do you guys think it's possible for us to one day reconcile and, possibly, re-build a stronger, better relationship? And, if yes, how should I approach it in the future? I plan on waiting at least 7 months, so that I can focus on the spring semester and on conquering my issues, before considering making contact again. If she makes, contact before then, it'll alter the plan a bit, but I will regardless continue to stick on improving myself no matter what. -dirgeofthedawn Edited January 3, 2014 by dirgeofthedawn
keepontruckin Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 The odds are almost zero that you'll be successful. It doesn't matter what you change, so just live life like you want to.
Omei Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 The ring thing is so romantic and sweet if only things really worked out like that, be awesome if it did. But as you improve you should do it for you im sure you are but not for her and when that 7 month mark comes up and her choice hasn't changed would all that work crumble? You must prepare the thought of after all your change you, yourself might want someone/something different and prepare that she won't come back or that ring promise will have lost its spark. She will grow in your absence like you will in her absence its possible you will both want someone else in the future
StyleOnEm Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 The odds are almost zero that you'll be successful. It doesn't matter what you change, so just live life like you want to. Wow, what a buzzkill. I think it's certainly possible for you guys to get back together in the future, if it's meant to be. What I mean is, during the separation, you might date someone else, and she might end up dating someone else - only then can you sort of figure out how much you miss and still want each other. If both of you were way better together than the new relationships, then you will find each other again and maybe have a reconciliation. You're handling it the right way. Let her do her thing, see what else is out there, and you working on yourself is crucial - if not to get back with her later, then for a future new relationship.. you will be a much better man for it.
Author dirgeofthedawn Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 You're handling it the right way. Let her do her thing, see what else is out there, and you working on yourself is crucial - if not to get back with her later, then for a future new relationship.. you will be a much better man for it. Thanks, Style, I appreciate the kind words. In general, I felt this part of what you said really summed up my current feelings on the situation. I know that it's possible we won't get back together in the future - the hope that we will is what, at the moment, helps keep me going. But I like hoping for the best and planning for the worst, so even if we don't end up back together I think I'll be alright in the long run.
Xemyd Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I agree, the ring thing is really cute. From what you said though, yes it's possible to get back together in the future, but I have a feeling she means longer than 7 months. No one wants to hear that it will take over a year, but I think that may be the case, unless of course, she comes back first. If that happens, take things slow
Author dirgeofthedawn Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 The ring thing is so romantic and sweet if only things really worked out like that, be awesome if it did. But as you improve you should do it for you im sure you are but not for her and when that 7 month mark comes up and her choice hasn't changed would all that work crumble? You must prepare the thought of after all your change you, yourself might want someone/something different and prepare that she won't come back or that ring promise will have lost its spark. She will grow in your absence like you will in her absence its possible you will both want someone else in the future Hey Omei, this is also one of the things I worried about. The thing is that I feel in time the heavier passionate feelings will fade, so hopefully when either she or I initiate contact again, it will be easier to deal with whatever happens when NC is broken.
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