Aurelija Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Hello, all, new to the forums and after spending several days reading I decided to post. My situation is fairly complicated so this post is long and I apologize for that in advance. I am recently divorced (finalized in October 2013) and right now I am in so much pain over the break-up that I am having a difficult time coping. For example, I spent the majority of the day today bawling my eyes out over how much I miss my ex-husband. My ex and I were married for 5 years, lived together for 7 years, and were together for a total of 8 years. I met him online when I was in high school (I'm 32 now) and we were just friends and after losing touch with him for years saw him online again (recognized his handle) when I was 25 and contacted him to say hi. Things got serious pretty quickly and we ended up in a long-distance relationship and later married. Here's where it gets complicated: I am bipolar (diagnosed when I was 21) and this is the main reason why he divorced me. Back when I was 25 and he expressed a romantic interest in me I was very candid with him and immediately told him I was bipolar and that I had been hospitalized twice due to mania and was on medication. I deliberately tried to "scare him off" by telling him what I was like when I was manic and by also telling him that I had been bedridden for over a year due to depression. I even linked him to forums where people talked about the downsides of being in a relationship with someone who was bipolar, etc. but he was undeterred and told me that it didn't matter to him that I was bipolar and he wanted to date me, anyway. At this point it had been 3 years since my last hospitalization and I was compliant with my medication and I really liked him so I decided I would give a relationship a shot. He lived in a different state and we had a long-distance relationship for a year before he moved from New England to the Southern U.S. so he could be with me. Within a few months after he moved here we started living together. We lived together for 2 years and were married in 2008. In 2010 we bought a home together. Then in Summer 2012 I had a relapse and ended up in the hospital after becoming extremely manic to the point of psychosis. This episode was NOT a result of me stopping my medication. I was taking my medication as prescribed at the time but I had a manic episode, anyway. My doctor thought it was due to not getting enough sleep (I had insomnia for a few nights leading up to the episode). I was in the hospital for several weeks (voluntary) and my husband (at the time) was very supportive of me. Even though they changed my medication and gave me antipsychotics to try to alleviate the symptoms of mania I was still delusional for several months---just embarrassing non-sensical things such as thinking that a song on the radio was referring to ME directly, thinking I had special powers, etc. When I came out of the mania in the Fall I sunk into a deep, deep depression. I was bed-ridden and suicidal. My doctor changed my medication again and I started seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis. I was miserable to be around, I know, but my husband (at the time) was still supportive and was there for me as much as he could be. Finally in early 2013 I started to come out of my depression. I was back to being the girl that my husband knew and loved and both he and I were very relieved. Things were fine for the next several months but in Summer 2013 I relapsed again, despite being on new and different medication. This time around I even had prescription sleeping pills to take just in case I got insomnia but even though I took the pills when I had insomnia they did not help me sleep and after just two nights of insomnia I was manic again. When my husband said he was worried about me and wanted to have me evaluated I agreed to go to the hospital with him, so again I went voluntarily and was there for several weeks while they adjusted my medication and tried to stabilize me. About a week after I was released from the hospital my husband told me he wanted a divorce. I was still manic---not bad enough to warrant hospitalization, but I was far from my "normal" self and my ability to make decisions was impaired---and readily and eagerly agreed to the divorce. (Don't ask me why but for whatever reason when a person is manic they often want to break-up with their partner.) He was surprised I was on-board with it because he had expected me to be against it. He helped me find an apartment, helped me pack, helped me move out, etc. We put the house up for sale and it sold very quickly. He moved back to New England to be near his family and the divorce was finalized at the beginning of October 2013. A few weeks later, living on my own, I finally came out of the remainder of my mania and was horrified that my life had fallen apart while I was "not all there" so-to-speak. I had NO IDEA why I had readily agreed to divorce my husband because I didn't want to divorce him! I loved him with all my heart and was happy with him. I was so angry and hurt that in a state of mania I had happily just divorced the man I considered to be my soul-mate. I looked around my apartment and it was full of furniture we had bought while together, a TV we had bought while together, the dishes and silverware we had bought while together, etc. Every last thing in my apartment was a reminder of him and our life together but he was gone. I fell into a deep depression---which normally happens to me after a manic episode---only this time it was worse because I was living alone and my once happy married life was gone forever. I am still in that depression now. I am taking medication, going to a NAMI support group, and going to a divorce support group called Divorce Care but so far nothing has touched this pain that I feel. I miss my ex-husband so much. All I can do is think about him and I just cry all day long over losing him. Moreover, I no longer have my pet parrot of 7 years because my ex took him along on the move to New England. My parrot was like a child to me and I spent so much time every day taking care of him and interacting with him and now he's gone as well. Losing my ex-husband was bad enough but losing my parrot on top of it is killing me. As much as I want to go completely NC I can't stand to do it for the sake of my pet parrot. I miss him so much and like to hear updates on him so I know he's still okay and being well-cared for so my ex sends me e-mails with pictures and videos of my parrot from time to time. Outside of that we don't really talk so I guess I would say we have LC and so far I have resisted the urge to poke around online and keep tabs on him (no Facebook, etc.) because the whole thing is just too heartbreaking. However, for Christmas he sent me a very sentimental card and I could tell that he'd put a good deal of time into browsing cards to find the right one as opposed to just some generic Christmas card. When I read the thoughtful card wishing me the best it just set me back to day-1 of the break-up emotionally. Along with the card was a brand-new iPhone 5s (that he had bought full-price as it is not under contract). I did not ask for (or expect) any gift, let alone a very expensive smart phone. I also got a nice Christmas card from my ex-in-laws which they signed "Mom and Dad" and that really tore me to pieces as well. I guess he and his family feel sorry for me or maybe are trying to reach out to show there's no hard feelings but for me the whole thing is just excruciatingly painful. I have been suicidal over this to the point of making a specific plan and getting together all the items needed to carry out my plan. I have told my doctor (and only my doctor) that I was suicidal and he asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital but I told him that I honestly didn't think that would do me any good as all they do there is watch you for a few days and let you go. He increased my anti-depressant dose but so far that hasn't made me feel any better (this was 4 weeks ago). However, I did rid myself of the items I had collected to carry out my plan so I can say that although I do still seriously consider suicide on a daily basis I'm not in as much danger as I was in November and December when I had the supplies ready-to-go. I'm sorry this post is so very long and I really appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this far. I guess I'm not really sure why I'm posting here but I just feel so alone in my pain over this divorce that I wanted to reach out somewhere and vent, even though I am currently getting several forms of "professional help." I just miss my ex-husband and my pet parrot so much and I can't believe my life fell apart so quickly. I have also never lived alone (always had a roommate in the past) and that is very challenging as well, especially since I no longer have a pet. I live near family and see them on a regular basis and for a while I was pushing myself to go out with friends but honestly this depression is so severe I just don't have the energy or desire to hang out with friends. Whenever I am with them or they call me on the phone I feel like I have nothing to say and in my current state I cry at the drop of a hat so I'm not very fun to be around and I'm well aware of this. I feel like this pain will never end. Everything reminds me of my ex. We had a wonderful life together before I had a relapse and I believed that we could have that life together again with time but he left. We had so many things in common and had years of happy memories together. However, he was not willing to stay with me as he found my illness "too much to manage" and now I feel like if he left me because of my illness, any other man would as well. On one hand I am kicking myself for ever getting into a relationship with him in the first place as I genuinely felt like if I ever got manic he would leave me---and that is exactly what happened. On the other hand I am doing everything I can to manage my illness, always taking my medication, keeping to eating and sleeping schedules, etc. and I feel like if that isn't enough to 100% prevent a relapse (and apparently it's not) then I am destined to live my whole life alone and when I begin thinking that way it makes me not want to go on living. I guess that's all I have to say for now. Thanks for listening.
legion113 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Bipolar can be very hard on the unaffected spouse/so. It's right up there with dealing with someone with borderline personality disorder. I think you ex husband did the best he could, but sometimes, it really is overwhelming. Like you said, you don't even realize how you are acting when you go manic, in his case, it's like living with a completely different person, and sometimes not always in the best light. Did they ever find out besides the insomnia about any other triggers that may have precipitated these episodes? That's what I would work on finding out about. You ex sounds like he still cares about you, but he's probably scared of it happening again. Show him that you have it under better control. This suicide idea you had isn't helping, and i hope you don't tell him about it. The fact that you already had items to "do it" tells me you were serious, and yes, that is one of the criteria for being hospitalized. When people have an ACTUAL plan, it's serious. In the mean time, keep trying to work on getting your disease under control, not for him, but for you. It's got to be just as hard for you since you really have no control of it yet it has really affected your life. Don't despair however, I think you can get it under control. If there is a next guy, just be really honest with what happened, explain exactly what he can expect so there are no surprises. Most people think they understand what a person with bipolar is like but they don't. It can be scary for them, it's like you are possessed. They don't know who the person is in front of them. Anyway good luck, you are never alone.
k10k Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Hi Aurelija I read your story, thank you for sharing. It may not seem like it now, but you are very brave. I can't relate too much to BPD, but I can relate to heartbreak and living alone for the first time.. I was in that position years ago, it was tough at first, but in the end it was a great experience to build a new life on my own, and I ended up really appreciating the experience of self discovery. Living on your own teaches you so many wonderful things about yourself and builds up a great sense of independence. This doesn't mean that you are destined to live on your own forever though.. see it as a chance to beat the BPD. If you keep up the good fight, I bet you can beat it and you will come out the other side so much stronger, for yourself, as well as for your ex. Everything that you are feeling now is so normal with regards to your heartache... thinking the pain will never end, having everything remind you of your ex, longing for your old life, not wanting to be social and having no desire or energy to hang out with friends.. it's okay, just give yourself some more time with that. Like legion says your ex definitely still cares about you, so take comfort in that. My thoughts are with you, trust that a great future lies ahead of you x
Author Aurelija Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Thank you both for the responses and for reading what was a considerably long post. Legion: I agree that bipolar is very hard on the unaffected spouse. That's why I was upfront about my condition immediately when he first expressed an interest in dating me so many years ago. I didn't sugar-coat anything and tried to explain it as best I could but, as you said, it is like living with a completely different person and can be scary as if the person is possessed. My ex said going into it he "thought he could handle it" and he "thought love could overcome anything" but that he now says he was naive. I agree that he did the best he could. That doesn't make it hurt any less, especially when part of the marriage vow is "in sickness and in health". The only trigger seems to have been the insomnia which is why I had prescription sleeping pills on-hand just in case after the episode in 2012 but unfortunately they did nothing to help me when push came to shove in 2013 and I had insomnia again. No, I have not told anyone other than my doctor about my suicidal ideation. The last person I would tell is my ex because it's a bad idea for many reasons but the biggest reason is I don't want to seem like I'm being manipulative and/or pathetic. Yes, I was very serious about it but I didn't think that sitting in a hospital would have helped for various reasons, because those feelings don't go away overnight and all they do is put you on a 72-hour hold and medicate you and release you. I am already on medication and I see a psychiatrist monthly so I didn't see the point. k10k: It means a lot to me that you called me brave and I appreciate that. Thank you for the anecdote about how you grew in positive ways while living on your own. It's nice to hear something encouraging and hopefully down the line it may turn out that way for me as well. The pain just feels like too much to bear at times. I managed to make it through most of the day without crying but I am crying now as I write this because I can't even THINK about anything related to my ex without falling to pieces like this, and it's been 3 months since the divorce was finalized! It really does feel like the pain will never end and I will never stop longing for him or my old life. I loved him so much and still do. He was very good to me and so was his family. I really did have such a nice life with him and my pet parrot. It's so hard to come to terms with the fact that, after 8 years of good times and good memories, they're both gone forever and are never coming back. It's very, very hard to keep going, especially considering if he left me over my illness then other men probably would as well. I went 10 years without any problems before I had a relapse---6 years with him---and it's very difficult to want to keep living knowing that even after a decade of stability it's possible to relapse and any partner I have will apparently leave if I do. I guess on top of all the emotional pain of the loss of my marriage I just don't feel like I have hope for the future at this point, unless it is a future of being alone.
amaysngrace Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I'm sorry that you have a mental illness and that your marriage fell apart and you lost your bird. I think you should find something else to identify with other than only your problems though. You're more than just an illness. I'm sure you have gifts too.
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