todd7184 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Good evening- I have a strange situation on my hands- entirely created by me. Any input welcome! In advance, I know it sounds a little crazy. 29-year-old bisexual man here. I am traveling to a tropical island for my job for 2 weeks at the end of this month. Expense free- basically a dream come true in January! I have been told i can bring one person with me. I have been in a relationship with a girl for the past 9 months- long distance for the past 6. Things started great, long-distance has been tough but I think the relationship is starting to fizzle and with no end to the distance in sight, I'm not sure if we'll stay together. She has a busy job but has been able to take 3 days from work to join me on said island. So... kind of what we might need to see if this thing will last. I honestly didn't think she'd get the time off from work and had mentioned this trip to a guy I am close friends with. We've known each other for close to a year, met through work, and became pretty tight. He is on a month break between jobs, has moved to a far away city, and is off for the month of January. I mentioned to him that if she can't go he should join me. Let me add that I have a ridiculous crush on this guy. He has a girlfriend and he is about as straight as they come. I know there is no future or even any chance with this, but I just like him a lot- even as a friend- and really enjoy his company. Lo and behold, gf gets the time off. This should be great, right? I started to realize i really wish he would come, especially as it's the last time I will likely get to hang out with him for a very long time before he starts his new and very busy job. So she's definitely coming (although travel not yet booked) but I was thinking of inviting the other guy to be there at a different time (I'm there for 14 days, she'll be there for 3, and honestly what else will I do with myself the other 11 days?). I looked into plane tickets for him and he said he didn't think he could afford it. Tickets are about $500. Financially, they are paying me quite a bit for the trip and I can afford it. I know if I tell him I'm paying he will be uncomfortable with someone paying for him.... but I really want him to go and don't want to miss this chance to hang out with him one more time. Would it be weird to buy his ticket and make up a (white?) lie to him about how he's getting there? Am I a ****ty boyfriend having an emotional affair? Uninviting her would end the relationship- and on bad terms which I certainly don't want- because she's a great girl but I'm just concerned the circumstances are not in our favor. I guess I just want to have my cake and eat it too. OK- so yes there you have it. Crazy story, I know, but should I just do what makes me happy? Life seems to go by too fast sometimes, but I don't want to be a nut during it. thanks all.
Trimmer Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) Would it be weird to buy his ticket and make up a (white?) lie to him about how he's getting there? Am I a ****ty boyfriend having an emotional affair? Uninviting her would end the relationship- and on bad terms which I certainly don't want- because she's a great girl but I'm just concerned the circumstances are not in our favor. I guess I just want to have my cake and eat it too. OK- so yes there you have it. Crazy story, I know, but should I just do what makes me happy? Life seems to go by too fast sometimes, but I don't want to be a nut during it. thanks all. I think that yes, you are a sh**ty boyfriend for having an emotional affair. No two ways to look at it. If you are wanting to pursue someone else, break it off with this person first. There is no way I can support going after another person when you are currently committed to someone. Don't look for justifications and excuses. If you were on the other side of this, or if you were advising a sibling of yours, or anyone you cared about, you wouldn't stand for that sh**ty behavior from a partner. Secondly, don't use the excuse "oh, I'd just like to hang out with him as a friend..." You are already asking about having an emotional affair, so it's more than that to you - you are arousing yourself with his presence, so it's out of bounds. Finally, you didn't ask this question, but I'm going to comment anyway: I think, even separate from the question of your girlfriend, it would also be "weird" to invite him to join you when you have an ulterior motive (arousing your feelings with his presence - which you admit to as an emotional affair) that he doesn't know about, and which you are certain he would not reciprocate. So don't use the consolation-prize excuse, "I'd just like to hang out as friends..." because a decent friend would not do that. Edited January 4, 2014 by Trimmer
Author todd7184 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) Thanks for your reply, Trimmer. I appreciate your words and take them to heart, particularly the first two paragraphs. Reflecting on my thoughts over the last couple days, it's only fair to end things with her. With respect to your final comment, when I asked if it was 'weird', it had nothing to do with ulterior motives. I meant it more along the lines of is it strange for one friend to give a gift like that to another friend. When we became friends, I never had any intention of developing feelings for him, but it happened. Truthfully, I wish it hadn't, but it did. He's still a friend to me and I'm a friend to him. We support each other emotionally and enjoy each other's company when we are together. I have no intention of betraying his trust or taking advantage of him. When it's so difficult to find someone that you trust and get along with, whether they are capable of having romantic feelings for you or not, is it wrong to suffer in silence? I suppose I never viewed this as an action of an indecent friend. I know the discomfort of being the object of unwanted affection, but if I keep my feelings to myself what harm does it do to him? If anything, the only ulterior motive would be that spending this time with him would probably help me to get closure on these feelings and to move on from the fact that I won't get to see him regularly anymore. I acknowledge that focusing on this friendship closely (consider me, for the moment, a single man) is probably depriving myself of other healthy, reciprocated relationships. My feelings for him probably catalyzed the demise of my current relationship. However, in the absence of another person I care for so much, is it wrong to have invited him on this trip or to have invited his company at other times? Despite how it may seem, I really *am* trying to do the right thing, both for others and for myself. I think my misguided attempts for the latter get me in these situations. Edited January 4, 2014 by todd7184
Recommended Posts