Tactful question for betrayed spouses regarding marriage

[Lady2163]

No, I don't think all 30 wives in your example did the stereotypical behavior.

 

As I have said before, many women are the perfect spouse and get cheated on by lousy partners. This question doesn't apply to them.

 

Let's say wife is providing great sex, full package many times a week. Then, for no medical reason she stops doing anything other than missionary. She eventually tells him she doesn't like giving oral sex, never did and never will again.

 

This was a drunk military buddy telling me this, I didn't feel at the time he was hitting on me. He was miserable. He didn't want to have an affair or pay a prostitute, but he couldn't believe that if he stayed married, his sex life was almost over and he was not yet 35.

 

That would be the type of woman I'd want to ask, "why?"

 

I do have some basis in my own life for the question. In the years since my divorce, my exhusband and I have had some rocky times. At one point we were arguing needlessly. I popped off with, "you told me you didn't like my taste, not that you didn't like oral sex, but you didn't like ME. That took oral sex out of the equation. THEN, you wouldnt use lotion on your hands OR wear gloves at work. That removed touching me, because your cuts gave me an infection and yur rough hands felt like sandpaper on gentle parts. Then, you were a two stroke. None of that crap happened when we were dating. Why did you do it?"

 

His answer is a variation that has been said here before. "because I could. I just wanted mine and your satisfaction didn't matter as long as I got mine."

[angie2443]

I do have some basis in my own life for the question. In the years since my divorce, my exhusband and I have had some rocky times. At one point we were arguing needlessly. I popped off with, "you told me you didn't like my taste, not that you didn't like oral sex, but you didn't like ME. That took oral sex out of the equation. THEN, you wouldnt use lotion on your hands OR wear gloves at work. That removed touching me, because your cuts gave me an infection and yur rough hands felt like sandpaper on gentle parts. Then, you were a two stroke. None of that crap happened when we were dating. Why did you do it?"

 

His answer is a variation that has been said here before. "because I could. I just wanted mine and your satisfaction didn't matter as long as I got mine."

 

It sounds to me like there was some hostility and/or resentment there. I don't know what you guys were arguing about, but this isn't something that someone, IMO, says to someone else unless they are angry and trying to hurt them in some way. I'm not saying you did something to deserve the nasty coment. I'm just saying, I think there was a lot more behind his words.

[Lady2163]

He was not happy to ay 1/6 of his income in alimony. I was entitled to 1/2, which i could have had for life. I only took it for 7 years, to finish college part time and with only a part time job.

 

We also lived 1200 miles apart and hadn't seen each other in a long time. You get to rewrite your marriage and diminish your mistakes when there isn't anyone around to correct you...

[seren]

If I thought for one single moment that the glue keeping our 26 year marriage together relied upon either of us having the same sex we had all those years ago, I would walk out of the door this moment. Most relationships are a complex, wonderful mix of good sex, comfortable sex periods of none at all and swirling around all that are the everyday acts of intimacy, love, friendship, romance, laughter and sometimes the complete opposite. My H had an affair, do I suppose it was due to me not dressing up and giving blow jobs? absolutely not, it was far more complex than that, as, I am assuming, a military person, you might understand he had PTSD. I have been around, in the military or married to a military man for over 36 years and boy can they talk, then you see them with their wives and family and they are seem nothing like they portray.

It's the usual bitch, moan about how their wife isn't the same, how sex has gone off the boil, the wife has let themselves go, and then you see the same couple in the mess, she looking like a million dollars, he seemingly happy as larry and you think, is this the woman he was talking about? The one that had been planning him coming home from det, exercise or wherever with a wonderful meal and new lingerie and had been working her backside off to look wonderful for him.

 

I look across at my husband with his dodgy old tracksuit on, his stinky being seeing to the animals sweatshirt, needs a bath and a haircut and he is still my view of choice. That he no longer works out as much, has a dodgy knee, is often too exhausted to make love or has a dodgy leg doesn't mean I should run off with the farmer down the road, he is more than just a sweaty half hour, or just because he no longer looks like he once did or wear his mess dress and look fantastic, he is who he is, warts and dodgy knee and all. if we never had sex again, I would miss it with all that I have, but, he would still be he and no quick fix fling, oral sex or otherwise can replace that.

 

I am sure that there may be many men and women who neglect their appearance, who forget the wooing and romance in a relationship, it doesn't excuse an affair, nothing excuses that. If they are so bothered that their life isn't how they need or want it to be, try to change it, if it doesn't change, leave, simple.

[ThatMan]

No, I don't think all 30 wives in your example did the stereotypical behavior.

 

As I have said before, many women are the perfect spouse and get cheated on by lousy partners. This question doesn't apply to them.

 

Let's say wife is providing great sex, full package many times a week. Then, for no medical reason she stops doing anything other than missionary. She eventually tells him she doesn't like giving oral sex, never did and never will again.

 

This was a drunk military buddy telling me this, I didn't feel at the time he was hitting on me. He was miserable. He didn't want to have an affair or pay a prostitute, but he couldn't believe that if he stayed married, his sex life was almost over and he was not yet 35.

 

That would be the type of woman I'd want to ask, "why?"

 

I do have some basis in my own life for the question. In the years since my divorce, my exhusband and I have had some rocky times. At one point we were arguing needlessly. I popped off with, "you told me you didn't like my taste, not that you didn't like oral sex, but you didn't like ME. That took oral sex out of the equation. THEN, you wouldnt use lotion on your hands OR wear gloves at work. That removed touching me, because your cuts gave me an infection and yur rough hands felt like sandpaper on gentle parts. Then, you were a two stroke. None of that crap happened when we were dating. Why did you do it?"

 

His answer is a variation that has been said here before. "because I could. I just wanted mine and your satisfaction didn't matter as long as I got mine."

 

When I look over your messages I can immediately tell that you've worked very hard to be where you are in life. For various reasons people do not have the same level of determination in keeping themselves together, let alone try to keep the romance alive. I'm sure that you've felt broken up when your sex life went away in your marriage. There is nothing more disheartening than idly watching on as a spouse continues making poor choices despite any pleading for them to bring passion back into a relationship. I wish there was a magic eight ball look through to figure out what sort of a choices a date will make when life becomes difficult.

[Lady2163]

I read somewhere once that under NO circumstances should a women EVER tell a man she faked it. Because once you do, he will never trust that you had a real one again. I believe the opposite is true. If a man tells a woman he doesn't like her breasts, taste, any other body part, he can never take that back.

 

Seren - I do know plenty of military men who were full of hogwash. Busting on their wives can be a way to kill time. I was in a great position, most of these men brought me home to meet the wives and family. Almost every Friday a group gathered at different houses. The women usually grouped together in one place, the men in another. I was comfortable bouncing back and forth between the two groups. I always thought it was funny that both groups would say, "what are they talking about in there?"

 

I do know of two legit cases where cheating was actually allowed with limited fuss. In both instances, the wives were actually ill and in a nursing home. One was a 40 year old man and the other was the man who became my Aunts second husband (after his wife died). The adult children took a while to accept it, but in both cases the men remained devoted to their wives and in the end the children wanted their father to be happy.

[whichwayisup]

I, too, find it unsettling that straight attached men are talking to straight single women about their married sex life. That is a huge character red flag for me. I would excuse myself and move the f on.

 

I would not take that man's word as totally true. If he is complaining about his wife, especially what they do or don't do in the bedroom, you need to also look at him and wonder 'when was the last time he brought flowers home for his wife, or when was the last time he did something nice for her, gave her a massage, held her hand, said I love you first" etc..etc.. this isn't all on the BS, WS's also have a huge responsibility to communicate their needs and desires. To hold it in and complain to someone else without really trying to fix, talk and listen to your partner or go cheat on them is not cool at all.

 

Why not ask your friend when was the last time he put a lot of effort into his wife making her feel special and loved? My guess is, he'll come up with some excuse as to why he didn't or felt she wouldn't appreciate it so he couldn't be bothered.