Eivuwan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 No, you didn't come off as rude. I also know a few idiots who went to uni. I'll admit I've chosen not to have contact with tradies who contact me on the dating site. I'm probably being too judgemental. But realistically (again, not to sound like I'm showing off - because that's not my intention) I'm pretty intelligent and want someone who can challenge me intellectually as well as joke around - but not many of the tradies that I know are actually interested in higher-level conversation. One of my best friends is a tradie - I've kind of had a crush on him on and off since we were about 16. We nearly kissed once but were interrupted. We never talked about it since and now his current girlfriend has been living with him for a year. Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned there - maybe this year should be the the year of the tradie! What do you mean by higher level conversation anyway?
CrystalCastles Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 On the surface, your list seems reasonable, but I noticed that you've left out some things that are probably more important than any of the above traits if you're looking for a serious relationship. For example, things like being kind and considerate or compatible values. I think you just have to give more people a chance. ^Well said. I'm also a virgin, and also have never been in a serious relationship (though I'm 21). I think you just have to keep trying. Keep putting yourself out there and do lower your standards (ie. if a guy makes less than you or doesn't have a super duper impressive degree or went to trade school instead of college, you shouldn't rule him out; as long as he's not some lazy couch potato who you'd have to support or someone who works at McDonald's for example). Also, good looks don't always equal good chemistry. It is possible to be attracted to a physically unattractive person simply because you two have good chemistry and the emotional compatibility is there. I was in an EA with a guy last year who was, I admit, ugly. But he was super charming, and sweet and took very good care of me so honestly, because of how happy I was around him, I would have dated him if he was single. He treated me like a queen. So just because a guy doesn't look like a hot supermodel, don't rule him out. I find that instant chemistry allows me to easily see past a guy's physical minuses and after some time of knowing him, I begin to consider him attractive. 2
Eivuwan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Yes, I'm going to try to give more people a chance. (And those other traits you mentioned - of course they're important, but I thought they were a given!) Haha, it's just that for people who are inexperienced in dating, those traits are easier to forget when you're mesmerized by someone's looks or intelligence. I've been there.
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Haha, it's just that for people who are inexperienced in dating, those traits are easier to forget when you're mesmerized by someone's looks or intelligence. I've been there. That's a rather wise comment! Good tip though
kodakgirl Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Hi there, I want to let you know you aren't alone--I'm almost in the same boat (the one next to yours, anyway!). I'm twenty-SIX and have almost no experience either... I had a three year "more-than-friendship-but-not-relationship", complicated long-distance thing with a man I utterly adored, but although I do often refer to it as a relationship and him as my "ex", because emotionally it was for me, technically it wasn't. And, like you, I have lots going for me-- lots of interests, travelled a lot, doing a master's, considered attractive, widely liked as a person. I'm not super social but I'm friendly. I have high standards too, and, honestly, I think it's okay. It's going to make it harder to find someone, yes, but if you are happy with yourself and your life, wouldn't you rather wait? It is important to be realistic about standards, of course, but for myself, I know I'm not asking for anything I don't offer. I want someone who is about as intelligent, sweet, interesting, ambitious, passionate, and attractive as I am, give or take. I want someone who is as happy with his life but willing to share it as I am. The ways he expresses these traits can vary a lot, I am very open that way, but we need to have those same things at the core in roughly equal qualities. I am not vain or full of myself at ALL-- it has taken me years and years to get to a realistic appreciation of my good qualities, and a lot of work to get over some of the less good ones, so I don't think I am overestimating where I'm at. And, the two men in my life who have been as interested in me as I was in them (the "ex" and a guy I dated for a few months before a damn PhD got in the way) DID meet and even surpass my standards, so I know I can attract a man of that quality. I feel it will take a while though. That is the compromise you have to make. Having lots of great qualities doesn't conjure up people with those same qualities just like that (though, of course, it does help-- you meet and connect with more people of that same calibre, who also know people of that calibre, some of whom might be single men....). You really have to be totally content with being single, maybe for a long time. I feel very sad and lonely sometimes but the thought of being in a relationship with someone who isn't really wonderful stresses me out. I don't know if any of this helps or not-- but I thought it might be good to hear the perspective of someone similar! All the best! 1
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 What do you mean by higher level conversation anyway? I like talking about 'regular' things such as sports (football, in particular), music, movies, etc. but I also enjoy more 'intellectual' conversations - ones that are about philosophy or history or politics. It's a broad stereotype, but I've found that people who have gone to uni are more interested in those topics than those who are not. I was at a party the other night, talking to a guy there. He's doing his Masters' degree this year, genetically modifying an edible plant to see if it can change the cells in your body to prevent cancer. I find that kind of conversation stimulating and even though he was probably about a 7/10 in the looks department (I know I'm not a 10 myself, lol) I found myself kind of attracted to him. (Perhaps that disproves the idea that you need to be physically attracted to someone for a relationship to work?)
Elias33 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 If you place too many requirements on possible partners, they may become harder and harder to realize. Guys don't wait around for approval especially if your demands are so obvious. Don't make a list, don't have expectations, enjoy meeting new people. You may learn you a few things about what you really want in a guy if you let them be themselves,m instead of letting them be a candidate. Nothing saying you do, but you may come across as doing so. Good luck. 1
Eivuwan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I like talking about 'regular' things such as sports (football, in particular), music, movies, etc. but I also enjoy more 'intellectual' conversations - ones that are about philosophy or history or politics. It's a broad stereotype, but I've found that people who have gone to uni are more interested in those topics than those who are not. I was at a party the other night, talking to a guy there. He's doing his Masters' degree this year, genetically modifying an edible plant to see if it can change the cells in your body to prevent cancer. I find that kind of conversation stimulating and even though he was probably about a 7/10 in the looks department (I know I'm not a 10 myself, lol) I found myself kind of attracted to him. (Perhaps that disproves the idea that you need to be physically attracted to someone for a relationship to work?) I thought the same as you, but there are many people who went to trade schools who know a lot about philosophy or history or whatever through their personal experiences. This is especially true of introspective people who have been through a variety of different life experiences. That is more real than any ivory tower conversation that you may get with a well-educated person. I think for these people, they are interested in these topics but do not think of it as a history topic or philosophy topic. It's just their view of the world and if you speak to people about how they view certain things in a more general manner, you may be surprised at what you can learn from all kinds of people. 1
Eivuwan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Honestly, I think it is hard to know what your type really is until you date around more. So it may be best to make a small list of things you absolutely cannot stand than an ideal list of what you want. This doesn't mean you have to have sex before you're comfortable, but just that you'll accept more dates.
Conners Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 No, you didn't come off as rude. I also know a few idiots who went to uni. I'll admit I've chosen not to have contact with tradies who contact me on the dating site. I'm probably being too judgemental. But realistically (again, not to sound like I'm showing off - because that's not my intention) I'm pretty intelligent and want someone who can challenge me intellectually as well as joke around - but not many of the tradies that I know are actually interested in higher-level conversation. One of my best friends is a tradie - I've kind of had a crush on him on and off since we were about 16. We nearly kissed once but were interrupted. We never talked about it since and now his current girlfriend has been living with him for a year. Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned there - maybe this year should be the the year of the tradie! haha are you sure you're not my friend? I love tradies! I guess everyone has different taste but you'd be suprised at how smart some of them can be too! They seem to get their lives together quicker aswell. Where abouts in Australia are you? A lot of guys here do FIFO for a few years and have a house built by the time they are 21. I think you should keep your options open though, you might be suprised and really connect with someone. 1
PinkInTheLimo Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Four dates in a year? Are you even trying? You need to up your initiative and be less picky. As prior poster said, lower your expectations and have some fun. Dating isn't something you can just sit back with and expect things to happen. As with anything worthwhile in life, it takes WORK. You almost have to make dating a hobby. Please DO NOT lower your expectations. You sound like a serious girl who wants a serious relationship. It is quite normal then that you don't find too many interesting guys (because unfortunately there are not a lot of interesting decent men around). The only recipe is to make sure that you meet people. Does not matter how, via online dating or social situations. Think about where the guy you are looking for could be hanging out. The more people you meet the more chances that one of them is the one you are looking for. Do in any case not "have fun" with someone where you don't feel that he is not relationship potential for you. This "having fun" very often is not a lot of fun at all. 1
Els Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Well, you've only really wanted a boyfriend for the past year or so, yeah? As in, you were perpetually turning down dates before that. In that case I'd just relax and give it time if I were you. Don't worry about being picky - the worst thing you can do is to be in a R with someone you're not really interested in, because it closes you off towards potential mates whom you ARE interested in. It's also unfair to the guy if you were to date him just for the sake of dating. You mentioned wanting to work overseas - that is actually a great idea. It's a great experience and beneficial for your future in general, and may lead to potential romantic opportunities.
deathandtaxes Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Please DO NOT lower your expectations. You sound like a serious girl who wants a serious relationship. It is quite normal then that you don't find too many interesting guys (because unfortunately there are not a lot of interesting decent men around). The only recipe is to make sure that you meet people. Does not matter how, via online dating or social situations. Think about where the guy you are looking for could be hanging out. The more people you meet the more chances that one of them is the one you are looking for. Do in any case not "have fun" with someone where you don't feel that he is not relationship potential for you. This "having fun" very often is not a lot of fun at all. Maybe you have my advice confused with lowering STANDARDS? I never suggested that. Perhaps OP's dating expectations are too high? As in unrealistic. As in she expects to be struck by lightning when on a date with a guy as a sign of chemistry? I say approach dating with a lack of expectations. Or at least a first or second date. It's a lot more fun when you show up and see what happens. No agenda. No games.
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