the_entertainer1 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I'm a 24 year old woman who's never 'officially' had a boyfriend. (I hope what I'm about to say next doesn't come across as 'blowing my own horn' - it's meant just as some background). I have lots of interests/hobbies (music, sports, movies, food, camping, shopping, swimming, reading, etc.) and am widely travelled. I'm not really into clubbing, though I like to let my hair down every now and then. I went to uni for four years, graduated and now have a full-time, permanent job. I own my own car. I enjoy socialising with people but also enjoy time alone. I've been told I'm beautiful/hot but sometimes (probably like many women my age) have a hard time believing it - otherwise, I'm a pretty confident person. I still live at home while I'm saving up to buy a house. (Here in Australia, it's quite common for people my age to still be living at home.) Perhaps my expectations of guys are too high or I'm too fussy (though I have high expectations of myself too), but for whatever reason, I haven't had a boyfriend. During high school I was friends with guys and some asked me out, but I turned them down. I didn't really like them in the same way, but I guess I was also a bit 'scared'. Then when it came to uni - there weren't many guys in my course and I only had 10-14 contact hours a semester. My closest friends don't like to go out and mingle with 'randoms' very much, so I was finding it hard to meet new people. Last year I worked hard to turn things around. I joined a dating site and throughout the year went on dates with 4 guys. (Doesn't sound like a lot - but as I said, I'm selective. Also, work keeps me busy during the week.) The first guy was quite charming but wanted sex and not a relationship. I want to be in a relationship before doing the deed (so yeah - I'm a virgin.) We text every now and then but I now know he's a player. The second guy was a couple of years older than me but even more inexperienced. I think I was the first girl he'd kissed! We dated for 5 of 6 months but things just fizzled out. He never took initiative. I went on two dates with the third guy, who just 'disappeared'. The fourth guy was one who I felt a real spark with. He seemed to enjoy both dates and asked me out on a third, but two days later texted me and said that he didn't think I was the one for him. That crushed my confidence a bit (it was only a week ago) but I met a guy at a NYE party who asked for my number and said he'd like to see me again. My point is - I'm not quite sure if I'm doing something wrong or if I just haven't found the right guy yet. My friend suggested that some guys might be intimidated by me. Is this actually a thing? Or is it just an excuse people use to make women feel better about themselves? Overall I'm pretty happy with my life. But - I sometimes get lonely and wish I had someone to share it with. And - it's not like I don't want to have sex ... I just want it within the parameters of a loving and committed relationship. Any tips on how to go forward from here?
ponchsox Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I would lower your expectations a little and just have fun with dating. Your only dating, not getting married. If it doesn't work out, date someone else. I'm sure a girl of your caliber can find a great guy. 1
deathandtaxes Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Four dates in a year? Are you even trying? You need to up your initiative and be less picky. As prior poster said, lower your expectations and have some fun. Dating isn't something you can just sit back with and expect things to happen. As with anything worthwhile in life, it takes WORK. You almost have to make dating a hobby.
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Thanks. I've got another question though: Where do I find a "great guy"? I'm getting a bit sick of the online dating. There are hardly any men at my work (and it's probably not a good idea to get involved with someone at work anyway!). I go to the gym 3 or 4 days a week. I play mixed social sport once a week. I even tried church. When my friends don't really like going out, it's kinda difficult! So - any other suggestions? I'm actually considering going to work overseas, like in the UK or something, just to open myself up to other opportunities!
ponchsox Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Thanks. I've got another question though: Where do I find a "great guy"? I'm getting a bit sick of the online dating. There are hardly any men at my work (and it's probably not a good idea to get involved with someone at work anyway!). I go to the gym 3 or 4 days a week. I play mixed social sport once a week. I even tried church. When my friends don't really like going out, it's kinda difficult! So - any other suggestions? I'm actually considering going to work overseas, like in the UK or something, just to open myself up to other opportunities! Do you get asked out? You seem like your active in social circles so you must meet men who are interested, no? 1
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Do you get asked out? You seem like your active in social circles so you must meet men who are interested, no? I don't get asked out as much as I like (lol). Before last year, I'd only been on dates with about 3 guys (one from church, two others I met at clubs). I don't think I was projecting a very 'open' vibe. As I said, I tried to change that last year and am continuing to improve this year. I would say that I am socially active, but most of the men in my social circles are married or otherwise taken. And - I think that if men are interested in me, I'm not that great at recognising it (though I'm improving, lol). I did a risky thing in choosing to go to the NYE party where I only knew 2 or 3 other people (risking offending a friend who invited me and a couple of other girls to her place for dinner). I'm glad I did it, and that guy did ask for my number (but has yet to ask me out). Perhaps it's just a case of putting myself into those situations more often?
ponchsox Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) I don't get asked out as much as I like (lol). Before last year, I'd only been on dates with about 3 guys (one from church, two others I met at clubs). I don't think I was projecting a very 'open' vibe. As I said, I tried to change that last year and am continuing to improve this year. I would say that I am socially active, but most of the men in my social circles are married or otherwise taken. And - I think that if men are interested in me, I'm not that great at recognising it (though I'm improving, lol). I did a risky thing in choosing to go to the NYE party where I only knew 2 or 3 other people (risking offending a friend who invited me and a couple of other girls to her place for dinner). I'm glad I did it, and that guy did ask for my number (but has yet to ask me out). Perhaps it's just a case of putting myself into those situations more often? Also, the more female friends you meet the better chance they know someone decent that you can meet. Like I said, just open up a little, and when you sense flirtation, flirt back. It will happen, you are very young. Edited January 3, 2014 by ponchsox 1
Eivuwan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I am wondering what your idea of a "great" guy is.
somedude81 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 IThe second guy was a couple of years older than me but even more inexperienced. I think I was the first girl he'd kissed! We dated for 5 of 6 months but things just fizzled out. Sounds like you had a boyfriend to me, even if you didn't have sex.
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 I am wondering what your idea of a "great" guy is. I'm not sure if this is directed at ponchsox or me, but I'll tell you my idea of a "great" guy. I actually did this thing about 18 months ago where I wrote down all the 'desirable' qualities of my 'dream' guy. Pretty sure that there's no guy on earth who meets that 'criteria', so I'm trying to be more realistic with my expectations. Here's what I'm ideally looking for in a boyfriend/partner, someone who: - shows interest in me (none of that game-playing stuff!) - is confident and assertive - shares at least some similar interests (preferably into sports and music, but that's a 'desirable' rather than 'essential' - is employed and has a similar or higher level of education than me. - can engage in intelligent conversation but is fun to be around - is good-looking (ok, so this might be a bit shallow, but I'm not expecting a male model. I just think it's important to be physically attracted to your partner) I know lots of people will probably say "you're only 24, you've got plenty of time to meet someone." I'll be 25 in a couple of months. While that's still young - ideally, I'd like to be married by the time I'm 30. I don't want to date guys just for the sake of it. I want to be with someone who could potentially be my partner for life. Having said that. I know that the only way I'm going to find someone like that is to date around a bit more - right?
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Well hey, I'm 25 almost 26 and never had a girlfriend. And I still live with my parents too. I feel your pain. Though I doubt you'd give me a shot if we ever met, so who knows...
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Sounds like you had a boyfriend to me, even if you didn't have sex. We went on dates most weeks (apart from a 6 week gap when he went on an overseas holiday he'd planned), but things didn't really progress in terms of emotional intimacy either. It felt more like "hanging out with a kiss at the end" (and even then, it took 10 dates!) rather than "going on dates with my boyfriend". And we never talked about whether we were exclusive or not. Yes, he's inexperienced but he was still checking the dating site where we met while we were dating. (Incidentally, that's the thing I hate about OLD - it kind of encourages you to keep "shopping around" for something better ..."
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 I feel your pain. Though I doubt you'd give me a shot if we ever met, so who knows... What makes you think that? And do you think the "intimidation" thing is true? Would you choose not to pursue a girl if you felt intimidated by her or didn't think you were good enough for her? A friend of mine jokes that she thought I was intimidating (i.e. snobby) when we first met, but now we're great friends, so I'm conscious of projecting that 'vibe'.
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 What makes you think that? And do you think the "intimidation" thing is true? Would you choose not to pursue a girl if you felt intimidated by her or didn't think you were good enough for her? A friend of mine jokes that she thought I was intimidating (i.e. snobby) when we first met, but now we're great friends, so I'm conscious of projecting that 'vibe'. Yeah I wouldn't pursue a girl if I thought she was better than me. And I wrote what I wrote because I've met enough women who complained about having trouble finding a boyfriend (allegedly) but who had zero interest in me when I expressed interest.
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Yeah I wouldn't pursue a girl if I thought she was better than me. Maybe you should give it a chance and let her make up her mind for herself? And I wrote what I wrote because I've met enough women who complained about having trouble finding a boyfriend (allegedly) but who had zero interest in me when I expressed interest. I guess sometimes people just don't 'click', even if they're both single. That's what I'm learning, anyway!
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Maybe you should give it a chance and let her make up her mind for herself? I have before. A few times. It never works out. I guess sometimes people just don't 'click', even if they're both single. That's what I'm learning, anyway! Clearly. The thing is I don't "click" with anyone. That was more my point...
Scales Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 've got a tip. Stop rejecting people. You can't be sad about not having a boyfriend when you have had many options that you yourself turn down. Sorry the guys don't seem to meet your standards but you should give them a chance. If you are waiting for some kind of big fish but you won't sleep with them until you are together, they are going to leave you for better options. I'm not saying you should put out because I respect your choice, but if you have conditions and expectations for a relationship you are going to have a tough time. It just seems like you are waiting for "the one". This is a dangerous toxic mentality that will only cause you to see flaws in others that could be potentially great relationships.
somedude81 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 We went on dates most weeks (apart from a 6 week gap when he went on an overseas holiday he'd planned), but things didn't really progress in terms of emotional intimacy either. It felt more like "hanging out with a kiss at the end" (and even then, it took 10 dates!) rather than "going on dates with my boyfriend". And we never talked about whether we were exclusive or not. Yes, he's inexperienced but he was still checking the dating site where we met while we were dating. (Incidentally, that's the thing I hate about OLD - it kind of encourages you to keep "shopping around" for something better ..." Hmm, that is a bit odd. So you say that you were guys were dating for about six months and never made it official. I was with my ex for six months and I'd never think of her as anything other than my GF. I'd say we became official the second month we were dating.
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 've got a tip. Stop rejecting people. You can't be sad about not having a boyfriend when you have had many options that you yourself turn down. Sorry the guys don't seem to meet your standards but you should give them a chance. If you are waiting for some kind of big fish but you won't sleep with them until you are together, they are going to leave you for better options. I'm not saying you should put out because I respect your choice, but if you have conditions and expectations for a relationship you are going to have a tough time. It just seems like you are waiting for "the one". This is a dangerous toxic mentality that will only cause you to see flaws in others that could be potentially great relationships. Thanks - you raised some good points. I think though, with all the guys I dated last year, they were the ones who rejected me (or didn't want to keep seeing me). I didn't tell any of them that I didn't want to see them again. I appreciate what you're saying but feel kind of like you're contradicting yourself when you say "If you ... won't sleep with them until you are together, they are going to leave you for better options. I'm not saying you should put out because I respect your choice, but if you have conditions and expectations for a relationship you are going to have a tough time." If being 'in a relationship' is a condition of me having sex with them, then doesn't that leave me with few options? (For the record, only the first guy even tried anything - he didn't pressure me when I told him I wanted to wait, but he didn't pursue me for a while after, either. Even then, he basically told me he just wants sex and not a relationship.) Anyway, I'm trying to be more open-minded when it comes to dating guys who wouldn't usually be my type. I just don't want to have sex to keep some guy around, or because everyone else does it on the fourth date, or for whatever reason.
FitChick Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Emigrate. Being in a different environment will get you out of your comfort zone and habitual way of interacting with people. It's a good excuse to talk to a man either to ask for directions or how to do this or that in a different culture. You will be somewhat of a novelty, being a foreigner, and I think otherwise shy or cautious men might be emboldened to "help" you.
Conners Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I think your standards are too high.. "Someone with a higher level of education than me" Sounds a bit shallow. I know a lot of idiots who went to university (not saying you are one of them of course) i'm talking about guys who went to university and are still pretty stupid and have no idea about the real word because their parents have supported them their whole life. You sound a bit like my friend, she wont date "tradies" and only people with a university degree. Nothing has worked out for her either.. because the guys she picks are normally very conceited and shallow themselves.. I hope I didn't come across as rude, I was just stating my opinion.. I've said it to my friend many times.. and if it wasn't for you stating your age i'd think she had wrote this post. 1
Eivuwan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I'm not sure if this is directed at ponchsox or me, but I'll tell you my idea of a "great" guy. I actually did this thing about 18 months ago where I wrote down all the 'desirable' qualities of my 'dream' guy. Pretty sure that there's no guy on earth who meets that 'criteria', so I'm trying to be more realistic with my expectations. Here's what I'm ideally looking for in a boyfriend/partner, someone who: - shows interest in me (none of that game-playing stuff!) - is confident and assertive - shares at least some similar interests (preferably into sports and music, but that's a 'desirable' rather than 'essential' - is employed and has a similar or higher level of education than me. - can engage in intelligent conversation but is fun to be around - is good-looking (ok, so this might be a bit shallow, but I'm not expecting a male model. I just think it's important to be physically attracted to your partner) I know lots of people will probably say "you're only 24, you've got plenty of time to meet someone." I'll be 25 in a couple of months. While that's still young - ideally, I'd like to be married by the time I'm 30. I don't want to date guys just for the sake of it. I want to be with someone who could potentially be my partner for life. Having said that. I know that the only way I'm going to find someone like that is to date around a bit more - right? On the surface, your list seems reasonable, but I noticed that you've left out some things that are probably more important than any of the above traits if you're looking for a serious relationship. For example, things like being kind and considerate or compatible values. I think you just have to give more people a chance.
Eivuwan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I think your standards are too high.. "Someone with a higher level of education than me" Sounds a bit shallow. I know a lot of idiots who went to university (not saying you are one of them of course) i'm talking about guys who went to university and are still pretty stupid and have no idea about the real word because their parents have supported them their whole life. You sound a bit like my friend, she wont date "tradies" and only people with a university degree. Nothing has worked out for her either.. because the guys she picks are normally very conceited and shallow themselves.. I hope I didn't come across as rude, I was just stating my opinion.. I've said it to my friend many times.. and if it wasn't for you stating your age i'd think she had wrote this post. I have to agree with this. My bf has a bachelor's and I am working on my doctoral, but he is way more experienced and wise compared to me in certain areas of life.
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 I think your standards are too high.. "Someone with a higher level of education than me" Sounds a bit shallow. I know a lot of idiots who went to university (not saying you are one of them of course) i'm talking about guys who went to university and are still pretty stupid and have no idea about the real word because their parents have supported them their whole life. You sound a bit like my friend, she wont date "tradies" and only people with a university degree. Nothing has worked out for her either.. because the guys she picks are normally very conceited and shallow themselves.. I hope I didn't come across as rude, I was just stating my opinion.. I've said it to my friend many times.. and if it wasn't for you stating your age i'd think she had wrote this post. No, you didn't come off as rude. I also know a few idiots who went to uni. I'll admit I've chosen not to have contact with tradies who contact me on the dating site. I'm probably being too judgemental. But realistically (again, not to sound like I'm showing off - because that's not my intention) I'm pretty intelligent and want someone who can challenge me intellectually as well as joke around - but not many of the tradies that I know are actually interested in higher-level conversation. One of my best friends is a tradie - I've kind of had a crush on him on and off since we were about 16. We nearly kissed once but were interrupted. We never talked about it since and now his current girlfriend has been living with him for a year. Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned there - maybe this year should be the the year of the tradie!
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 On the surface, your list seems reasonable, but I noticed that you've left out some things that are probably more important than any of the above traits if you're looking for a serious relationship. For example, things like being kind and considerate or compatible values. I think you just have to give more people a chance. Yes, I'm going to try to give more people a chance. (And those other traits you mentioned - of course they're important, but I thought they were a given!)
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