Ruffian1 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Yeah, yeah, whatever. I am a BH and can only speak from my experience. Why can't women understand that I am a MAN and will not try to speak for a BW. I am sorry if I offended you. Was so not my intent. I just wanted to say that it hurts the same no matter if you are male or female. Betrayal is betrayal no matter if H did or the W did it. Both BS are humans and the knife cuts just as hard.
JourneyLady Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I hate to make blanket statements but I do not believe this is true - ever. It's a fantasy that a BS hopes will happen and deludes themselves for a time that it actually has happened. At some point many BS's collapse under the weight of living a lie. They will suffer depression or heart disease or serious anxiety issues - something that is directly caused by swallowing the sh*t-sandwich that is accepting the betrayal of their WS. Actually that can happen to the BS even if the WS throws their spouse under the bus, as mine did. Regardless of the fact that I have been able to move where I wanted to be all along after the divorce and a failed relationship, my health is not doing too well from all the stress. I have anxiety and have had to have counseling several times. I try and keep a good attitude, but god knows I miss the man I used to have pillow talk with every night for 30 years of my life. Still, I'm alive at least. Almost wasn't, since it seemed like no one cared at the time. I am a very different person now - and if he had chosen to reconcile, I still would have been. Sure I might still have had triggers from his affair, etc. But it would be a lot easier to bear with him beside me than it is trying to move on with my life without him. At least two nights a week I end up crying before going to sleep. Tonight will be one of those nights, doubtless. It was ONE affair, brought on by issues on both our sides and I would have forgiven him fully and wholeheartedly. He could not forgive my issues however and decided to gamble with her instead. I still love him, but want him to be happy. But it hurts to never know if we could have repaired it and to know that I will always love someone who does not want to be with me. He was NOT a serial cheater.
Trimmer Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) Is it really worth forgiving someone who betrayed your trust so severely that you can never really see them the same way. I have read so many stores here of people who have chosen to or are considering to stick it out and try to reconcile their marriages but I don't understand why so my question is just that why! why would some one put them self thew that knowing the marriage will never be the same and the trust will never be like it was before the affair to me it seems like picking a possible long term hell over an short term hell For my answer to your question, the bolded part of your OP above is the key. In asking your question, you are inherently assuming that the BS knows the marriage will never be the same, that trust will never be like it was before, etc... I know it sounds painfully obvious to those who have this experience in their pasts and have the benefit of retrospect, but at the time when the concept of an affair is new, and you are reeling and trying to decide what to do, the very thing that leads you forward - the anchor you cling to - is the image of a marriage that will be the same, a future in which you will reestablish that trust. It's exactly the threatened loss of these that is so devastating, so you convince yourself that you can get back to that place again. For many, it turns out those images are just a fantasy, and you eventually - eventually - learn what is pointed out in the bold parts of your post above. But in the thick of things, right after the affair, you are blinded to these possibilities - by denial, among other things - because they are exactly what you don't want to be true, what you don't want to give up, what you don't want to accept, what you don't want to lose. So you move forward towards the mirage of getting things "back the way they were." And in case anybody needs it, I'll add the disclaimer that yes, everybody's experience is different and I'm not presuming to speak for everyone. But in case you wondered, this was exactly my own experience, and I am speaking for myself. As I moved through it, I didn't know what your question assumes: that the trust was irretrievably broken, that things would never be the same with the person I thought I would be able to count on. I moved forward, hoping for the fantasy of "back to normal", and it eventually took the next crash for me to really learn. Edited January 4, 2014 by Trimmer 1
sidney2718 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 You may be in love, but if your spouse is in love with someone else, even if they split.???? then what. He /She would not tell you that would they? I was posting to someone who did not understand the emotional dynamics of marriage because he'd never been married. I did the best I could to collapse the entire process into one short post. As for your question, I'm not sure I understand. Are you asking if there is an affair and one spouse is in love with another person but the BS doesn't know about it, what then? What then is simple, the marriage goes on and the affair goes on. Sometimes the marriage explodes, sometimes the affair explodes and the spouses have to deal with it then. But in my experience there are a number of such affairs that are NEVER discovered and people take them to their graves. Life is complicated. Marriage is more complicated. 1
Quiet Storm Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 (edited) If he is having an affair for nearly 6 years with me, then the marriage is practically void anyhow. I don't believe that's always true because there are many people that compartmentalize very well. They can live both lives simutaneously and love both women. It's easy to view the situations of others through our own biased lens. For example, assuming that your feelings and motivations, also apply to him. Thoughts like, "I would never have an affair unless my marriage was dead". Or "I could never romantically love two people at the same time". And "If my husband was texting all night, I'd know he was cheating". "If I choose to cheat, then that means my spouse isn't the right person for me". The fact is, we all think differently. It is foolish to assume that our own thought processes and intentions also apply to a completely different person, with different character traits, who had a totally different childhood, a separate set of circumstances and learned different coping skills. People that learned to compartmentalize in childhood do it automatically- it takes no effort and it is just normal to them. Having one life in one box, and another life in another box is just the default method that they use to manage their lives. It has nothing to do with who they love or value more. It's just their operating system. Compartmentalization can be a useful tool, and many people use it daily. Soldiers, police officers, EMTs. etc. benefit from keeping their work & home life separate. They give 100% at work, 100% at home without allowing the emotions from either compartment to spill into the other one. With cheaters, there is often even more boxes that AP or the spouse know nothing about. In this day & age, some people have a whole separate life & persona on the internet. This doesn't mean that a MM doesn't genuinely love OW and is lying about his feelings- it just means that he also has the capacity to genuinely love his wife. It means he can feel real emotions for both, and his love for one doesn't diminish his love for the other. He can mean what he is saying to both women, and can continue like this indefinitely. (Although, IMO, this is a self serving love- not the kind of love where you have the person's best interests at heart) Compartmentalization is not a rare thing. It is a common coping mechanism, often developed in childhood. Many people live their entire lives like this, oblivious to the fact that it is unhealthy & hurtful to those they love. The truth is, it often does benefit them because it allows them to get their needs met by various people, it allows them to enjoy multiple relationships simutaneously and keeps them from considering what their actions are doing to those they love. Being with someone like this is very difficult, though. When someone can simply put their emotions in a box and carry on, they are unlikely to ever face their issues because there are no consequences. They have trained themselves to quickly change their focus, avoid negative emotions & conflict, and bury their conscience. They do not make good partners for anyone. Some OW are very concerned with "Does he love me?" or "Did he mean what he said to me?" or "Were our moments real?", and they ignore important character traits. It would benefit OW to ask "What kind of person can cheat on his wife for six years? What's going on in his head that allows him to do this? Why do I value the love of a person like this? Is this person capable of being a good partner to me?" If your H for instance is seeing someone else and you know about it and do nothing, why should HE do anything???? If he wanted to live an authentic life, he would do something. But for these types, it's not about being real, it's just about getting his needs met. He is cool with being phony. He doesn't want to change his life, just enhance it. Edited January 7, 2014 by Quiet Storm
Quiet Storm Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 In my case BS is phoney too. I do not believe it is possible to love two women. You can love your sister and you can love your lover. Different kind of love - get that? I get it, but disagree with you. It may be impossible for an emotionally healthy person to do that, but its not difficult for people that compartmentalize. A lot of cheaters compartmentalize well.
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