I have question on infidelity and forgiveness

[xAkulax]

Is it really worth forgiving someone who betrayed your trust so severely that you can never really see them the same way. I have read so many stores here of people who have chosen to or are considering to stick it out and try to reconcile their marriages but I don't understand why so my question is just that why! why would some one put them self thew that knowing the marriage will never be the same and the trust will never be like it was before the affair to me it seems like picking a possible long term hell over an short term hell

 

I'm just curious to know what made some of you decide to give your marriages another chances or what made you decide enough was enough.

[drifter777]

For me no - it was not worth it. I regret the decision to reconcile with my cheating wife but, like her cheating, what's done is done.

 

Men like me should NOT try to reconcile and just end the relationship and move on. The damage she did to my ego and self-respect by cheating is irreparable, and I will always be wounded. That said, all men are not created equal when it comes to self-esteem and the ability to forgive. Some of men are able to reconcile their marriage if their WW is willing to do the work necessary to repair the damage they did.

 

I will never be swayed from my opinion that men never "get over" the pain, anger, and shame cause by their wife's betrayal. Many are able to suck it up and move forward with their lives and marriages but the horrible memory is always there. And the hurt that goes with it.

[Spectre]

It's only worth it if you feel like you deserve to be second best, but..why would you feel like that? Anyone who truly is in love with you and respects you would never put you in such a position. People say that "we always hurt the ones we love" and it is true that we do, but we do NOT always do it via banging other people. When that is the way you are hurting your "loved one" then..they aren't much of a loved one.

 

So for me, no..it's not worth settling for someone who could treat you that way. Why waste your life? You only get one. People will say love isn't always black and white and they are right, but there are just some things you don't do...and if you cross that line? Yeah, your partner deserves a hell of a lot better then you and the problem is sometimes peoples do not see this.

 

I know people will immediately jump in and say there have been marriages that did survive such a betrayal, but for me? I want to marry my soul mate, and my soul mate sure as hell wouldn't ever cheat on me, no matter what. Some people out there might want less then that..and that is fine, but for me..yeah, I don't need a perfect relationship, but I do need someone with enough respect for me and themselves that they will at least end the relationship before bumping uglies with someone else. If you decide you don't love me anymore fine, awesome..but TELL ME ABOUT IT, don't go bang another dude and have me waste years of my life with you because you don't know how to behave like a friggin adult.

Edited January 3, 2014 by Spectre

[Raena]

I reconciled with my ex after he cheated the first time because I still loved him and because we had a child together. I still regret it to this day. It was the worst decision I ever made. The second time (actually, it was more like the nth time because I have no idea how many times he cheated) reconciliation was not an option.

 

I don't know why others choose to reconcile. I know it is very difficult and it isn't ever the same afterwards. Once that trust is gone, it is very, very difficult to build it back up.

 

For me, I will never again try to forgive this kind of behavior. I'm too old and life is too short to stay with someone who doesn't respect me and isn't faithful. It just isn't worth all the heartache and pain.

[yellowmaverick]

For me no - it was not worth it. I regret the decision to reconcile with my cheating wife but, like her cheating, what's done is done.

 

Men like me should NOT try to reconcile and just end the relationship and move on. The damage she did to my ego and self-respect by cheating is irreparable, and I will always be wounded. That said, all men are not created equal when it comes to self-esteem and the ability to forgive. Some of men are able to reconcile their marriage if their WW is willing to do the work necessary to repair the damage they did.

 

I will never be swayed from my opinion that men never "get over" the pain, anger, and shame cause by their wife's betrayal. Many are able to suck it up and move forward with their lives and marriages but the horrible memory is always there. And the hurt that goes with it.

 

Not just men, drifter.

[Spectre]

I reconciled with my ex after he cheated the first time because I still loved him and because we had a child together. I still regret it to this day. It was the worst decision I ever made. The second time (actually, it was more like the nth time because I have no idea how many times he cheated) reconciliation was not an option.

 

I don't know why others choose to reconcile. I know it is very difficult and it isn't ever the same afterwards. Once that trust is gone, it is very, very difficult to build it back up.

 

For me, I will never again try to forgive this kind of behavior. I'm too old and life is too short to stay with someone who doesn't respect me and isn't faithful. It just isn't worth all the heartache and pain.

 

Exactly, people who forgive cheaters really need to read more stories like this before doing it. It is so so easy to fall into the trap of thinking you will not ever find someone better or that this person will change and is sorry and that this one bad thing this person did doesn't negate all the good history you have with them..but the very fact that said good history exists is all the reason in the world the cheating should never of happened in the first place.

 

It's hard for me to decide what hurts more..reading about people being cheated on..or reading about people who make the mistake of going back to the person who could treat them so badly.knowing 9 times out of 10 it just won't end well.

[tiredofitall2]

Is it really worth forgiving someone who betrayed your trust so severely that you can never really see them the same way. I have read so many stores here of people who have chosen to or are considering to stick it out and try to reconcile their marriages but I don't understand why so my question is just that why! why would some one put them self thew that knowing the marriage will never be the same and the trust will never be like it was before the affair to me it seems like picking a possible long term hell over an short term hell

 

I'm just curious to know what made some of you decide to give your marriages another chances or what made you decide enough was enough.

 

For many it is not a long term hell at all. Many marriages have become stronger in many ways. More open, more intimate, more understanding. Just better overall. Sometimes marriages are weak and if not for an A they could have crumbled anyways. The A forces both to reconsider everything. Feelings for each other, family, children etc. MC and IC following an A many times exposes all the issues that needed work pre-A and the M ends up in a much better place at the end.

 

So it is not cookie cutter for everyone. Certainly it is not a blessing in disguise for most, but it is not unheard of.

[Fluttershy]

I don't understand why it bothers people so much that there are people ho are in a happy and healthy and whole relationship post affair. There are thousands of people who are. The thing is the majority of people online are basically journaling their journey but stop needing to when they reach their destination.

 

It is not a complex idea why people choose to give second chances but there are so many variables one answer does not fit all.

 

And it also goes without saying that NO ONE KNOWS IF THEY ARE IN BED WITH A FUTURE CHEATER. the cheater themselves doesn't know when committing they are going to screw up royally. And often times even if you divorce the trust issues you take from one relationship don't just poof in the next.

 

Take someone who is married 25 years. They have been married more years of their life than not. WS forms an innapropriate relationship. The friendship turns EA then PA. Lets say it lasts for six months before DDay. WS gets their head out o their but really quick and shows true remorse. Would you say you don't understand why the bS who loved their spouse for 25 years decides to work on the marriage?

 

Or what if it is only a five year marriage and a one month affair? The affair is confessed and the WS sorry. The BS has a kid or two with the WS, loves the Ws and wants to try giving a second chance. They could go on to have 40 years of a wonderful marriage. Why are people so hard on those who have te capacity to forgive? Who are willing to work on letting go of their pain and even hurt ego. Who can acknowledge that staying doesn't m ean settling? That it is in some cases the right descision.

 

Why does it bother people who can't forgive when others can?

 

Even people who stay and become doormats do so by their own individul choice. While if one asks for my opinion I would say "you deserve so much better." and help them as I can.

 

Everyone is so different. But I do think there is a lot people can learn from each other. A hard a$$ can work on developing a more oft and forgivig side and a doormat can work on standing up for themselves. Everyone is imperfect and everyone has faults they can work on. So a WS who sees their faults and is willing to work on them is a whole different person than one who rug sweeps.

[xAkulax]

I don't think i ever said it bothered me just i don't understand why. True one can learn a great deal form the reconciliation process about themselves and their partner, but that wont change the fact that your partner still chose someone else for they needs either physically or emotionally that fact is something some people just cant over look or therapy away it will always be an elephant in the room or shadow in your mine constantly reminding you that when they could have come to you they choose someone else.

Edited January 3, 2014 by xAkulax

[sidney2718]

I don't think i ever said it bothered me just i don't understand why. True one can learn a great deal form the reconciliation process about themselves and their partner, but that wont change the fact that your partner still chose someone else for they needs either physically or emotionally that fact is something some people just cant over look or therapy away it will always be an elephant in the room or shadow in your mine constantly reminding you that when they could have come to you they choose someone else.

 

You are missing one emotional ingredient. You need to be in love and in a serious relationship in order to understand. For some, that love is greater than the pain of the cheating and with care and work, they can reconcile.

 

For others the pain will always be greater than the love, and there will never be any real reconciliation.

 

Affairs almost never come without a reason. And no, I am not saying that the reason excuses the affair. The choice of an affair is always a free choice. What I am saying is that couples that communicate well with each other are much less likely to divorce. Couples that don't communicate are often in trouble.

 

Read some of the threads by formerly cheating spouses and see for yourself what happened.

[TheBladeRunner]

The act itself sealed the deal for me, because of me, and me alone. I can't deal with betrayal like that and I knew that I never could have gotten past it. Not to say that what "I" did was the right thing though. The separation then divorce thing has been he@# on me emotionally, financially, and even my health. As tough as it has been, in the end I know I did the right thing; on my end I knew how I was regarding the A, and she was "just done" anyway.

 

It's the not knowing that sneaks up on you late at night.

[yellowmaverick]

You are missing one emotional ingredient. You need to be in love and in a serious relationship in order to understand. For some, that love is greater than the pain of the cheating and with care and work, they can reconcile.

 

For others the pain will always be greater than the love, and there will never be any real reconciliation.

 

Affairs almost never come without a reason. And no, I am not saying that the reason excuses the affair. The choice of an affair is always a free choice. What I am saying is that couples that communicate well with each other are much less likely to divorce. Couples that don't communicate are often in trouble.

 

Read some of the threads by formerly cheating spouses and see for yourself what happened.

 

Too simplistic. Pain > love is not the only or even main reason not to choose R.

[Elias33]

Forgiveness needs to happen regardless to what your decision is towards your partner. Because you need to move on regardless of what happens. Forgiveness is something you also do for yourself, and to let go of a dark, dragging feeling you chain your heart to if you don't move on.

[Arieswoman]

I look at it this way ;-

 

If I am in a committed monogamous relationship with a man and he, without my knowledge or consent, decides to go and stick his **** in another woman, then lies about it, that to me is the action of a man who not only doesn't love me, certainly doesn't respect me and doesn't even like me very much.

So why would I want to spend one more minute of my precious time with someone who behaved like that?

 

Infidelity doesn't come alone. It comes with lies, deceit, disrespect and the danger of STDs (which, in the case of AIDS, could be life-changing). It can impact on children, other family members, friends and co-workers. The fallout can be humungous. If the WS just took 2 minutes to logically progress the course of their actions in their mind, I wonder if they would still have done it?

 

I can forgive a cheater because they are human and made poor choices, but that doesn't mean I would want to stay with them. The two are not synonymous. Forgiveness is what you do for yourself not the WS.

 

Having said all that I really respect those couples who have decided to try and work past the the A.

 

At the end of the day it is an individual choice.

Edited January 3, 2014 by Arieswoman
spelling

[CrystalCastles]

Hi Shark. Welcome to LS.

 

I think that I personally would not reconcile. The father of my best friend is a serial cheater. He's in individual counselling (IC) and marriage counselling (MC) with his wife. He's cheated despite that, and his wife has taken him back. Every. Single. Time.

 

So I think that there are wayward spouses who are truly remorseful and do not ever cheat again. But I think there are also wayward spouses who pretend they are remorseful, and cheat again and again and again. I think the quote "once a cheater always a cheater" exists for a reason. If a person is capable of hurting and lying to their spouse, what would stop them from doing that again? They've already shown they're capable of such behaviour.

[Ruffian1]

will never be swayed from my opinion that men never "get over" the pain, anger, and shame cause by their wife's betrayal. Many are able to suck it up and move forward with their lives and marriages but the horrible memory is always there. And the hurt that goes with it.

 

Ok, this has nothing to do with gender. A spouse is a spouse and men and woman make the same marriage vows. It is cliché and sexist to think that woman do not suffer just as much when husbands cheat. Years ago, when they did not have the chance to support themselves they would be more quick to "forgive" and society fostered that idea (men will be men). More women than men initiate divorce these days (even older women), and I wouldn't be surprised that it's because they don't forgive the cheating and don't need H job to support themselves and kids.

[AllForNothing]

Is it really worth forgiving someone who betrayed your trust so severely that you can never really see them the same way.

In my experience, no. It was not.

 

I tried really hard to put the pieces back together again and become the husband she wanted me to be. She even said, "If I had a check list if things I wanted you to do, you've got every box checked off." We spent about a year in therapy (both individual and couples), I worked on the things she had complaints about, I allowed her time to work on herself and understand why she had the affair and to really grasp the hurt and pain that it caused me. I tried really hard to give her the benefit of the doubt, and see her as a good person who just made an honest mistake. I tried. It was very hard, and I never did quite find forgiveness, but I was working on it.

 

Then about a year after her affair, I discovered that she was back in contact with the same guy again behind my back.

 

YMMV, but I wouldn't give anyone else a second chance now.

[drifter777]

For many it is not a long term hell at all. Many marriages have become stronger in many ways. More open, more intimate, more understanding. Just better overall. Sometimes marriages are weak and if not for an A they could have crumbled anyways. The A forces both to reconsider everything. Feelings for each other, family, children etc. MC and IC following an A many times exposes all the issues that needed work pre-A and the M ends up in a much better place at the end.

 

So it is not cookie cutter for everyone. Certainly it is not a blessing in disguise for most, but it is not unheard of.

I hate to make blanket statements but I do not believe this is true - ever. It's a fantasy that a BS hopes will happen and deludes themselves for a time that it actually has happened. At some point many BS's collapse under the weight of living a lie. They will suffer depression or heart disease or serious anxiety issues - something that is directly caused by swallowing the sh*t-sandwich that is accepting the betrayal of their WS.

[drifter777]

Ok, this has nothing to do with gender. A spouse is a spouse and men and woman make the same marriage vows. It is cliché and sexist to think that woman do not suffer just as much when husbands cheat. Years ago, when they did not have the chance to support themselves they would be more quick to "forgive" and society fostered that idea (men will be men). More women than men initiate divorce these days (even older women), and I wouldn't be surprised that it's because they don't forgive the cheating and don't need H job to support themselves and kids.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. I am a BH and can only speak from my experience. Why can't women understand that I am a MAN and will not try to speak for a BW.

[CrystalCastles]

I nearly liked your post then unliked it. Because once a cheater always a cheater is @@@@p and comes from someone who has no idea.

 

However if your spouse falls for someone else and is in love, then you can say that maybe it is time to GIVE IT UP. If it is a one off, a quick fling, a drunken night out with the guys.... please forgive.....

 

As an OW I have had more than one d day and BS has taken MM back because she told me ''she is doing whatever to keep the family together' More like she is keeping HIM.- no one is happy.

 

I am meeting him AFTER 3 months NC. I am not sure what I am doing. But we love each other so I am going. It is too strong.

 

But as for being in an affair again. SHT I would not even touch another man. I would just buy a dog.

 

I did mention that that quote doesn't always apply and there are exceptions. But I've lurked around the OW/OM forum since the day I joined and seen enough threads about cake-eaters and serial cheaters to know that that quote DOES apply to many cases. The case with my bff being one.

 

The thing is, no one can keep a person in the marriage against their will. Your MM is cheating on his BS. That's reason enough for courts to accept the divorce papers. If your MM admits adultery, he can get a divorce without his BS signing the papers (I don't know if that's the case in your state/country but you can look into it). Don't quote me on this but I think there are ways to get a divorce if MM is committing adultery. This is what the law says in my country, which is Canada:

 

"If you want to get a divorce, but your partner does not consent, you are still able to get a divorce under certain circumstances. You would have to prove the breakdown of the marriage, such as proving adultery or physical or mental cruelty, for example. If you proved this, then would be granted a divorce when the court is able to hear your application. However, if you file for divorce and are also the one who committed adultery or cruelty causing the breakdown of the marriage, then you and your partner must stay separated for at least a year prior to applying for a divorce. This is because you cannot use your own omissions as the reasons for the divorce."

 

If your MM truly loved you beyond the affair bubble and wanted to be married to you instead of BS, he would find the means to do it and he'd show up on your doorstep with divorce papers in hand. Please, don't say "comes from someone who has no idea" and act like I know nothing. Every OW wants to think her MM is madly in love with her but very few MM actually divorce, and they usually make up some baloney excuse to keep OW around as a side-piece (hence the term "cake-eater").

Edited January 3, 2014 by CrystalCastles

[WildWest]

Y'all can get over it. You need to make sure he wants it as bad as you do. I cheated on my girlfriend after coming out a bad marriage. U have to look at the effort he puts in to determine if he really wants It. People can and do change if they won't to. I say this with love in my heart cuz I was once there. Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

[spiderowl]

It seems fine to me to forgive someone who has betrayed your trust like that, as long as you don't expect them to change in future. Some married people decide to 'forgive' an affair, partly because they think things might change. Others decide to tolerate them occasionally, on the basis that they know their partner is not that serious about the others and likes his/her home comforts too much to leave.

 

I don't think either route would be very comfortable.

[Quiet Storm]

I think reconciliations are more successful when the affair is handled in the same way as an addiction would be handled. The BS sees it as a weakness and not as a reflection of his feelings for her or the marriage.

 

An addict loves their drug, and disrespects his family, is very sneaky and lies to those he claims to love. A Ws is the same way. An addict can recover with counseling, introspection, and a genuine desire to change and figure out why they did this. So can a Ws. The vows say for better for worse, and some BS choose to stand by him because they love him.

 

Just like with an addict there is always a chance of a relapse. Some BS feel very invested in their marriages, want to have an intact family and genuinely do love their Ws. If the WS is willing to do the work, marriages can be saved. Trust can be earned back over time. Whether the ego can handle it depends on the person.

 

An affair doesn't have to be the end of the marriage. It can be just one chapter, among other chapters filled with love, laughter, family and combined history.

[ThatMan]

I think reconciliations are more successful when the affair is handled in the same way as an addiction would be handled. The BS sees it as a weakness and not as a reflection of his feelings for her or the marriage.

 

An addict loves their drug, and disrespects his family, is very sneaky and lies to those he claims to love. A Ws is the same way. An addict can recover with counseling, introspection, and a genuine desire to change and figure out why they did this. So can a Ws. The vows say for better for worse, and some BS choose to stand by him because they love him.

 

Just like with an addict there is always a chance of a relapse. Some BS feel very invested in their marriages, want to have an intact family and genuinely do love their Ws. If the WS is willing to do the work, marriages can be saved. Trust can be earned back over time. Whether the ego can handle it depends on the person.

 

An affair doesn't have to be the end of the marriage. It can be just one chapter, among other chapters filled with love, laughter, family and combined history.

 

I'm known couples who successfully moved on after an affair with this sort of thinking.

[Fluttershy]

I hate to make blanket statements but I do not believe this is true - ever. It's a fantasy that a BS hopes will happen and deludes themselves for a time that it actually has happened. At some point many BS's collapse under the weight of living a lie. They will suffer depression or heart disease or serious anxiety issues - something that is directly caused by swallowing the sh*t-sandwich that is accepting the betrayal of their WS.

 

What a horrible and narrowminded and bitter blanket statement. I think many marriges grow and become stronger post A. I think it happens despite an affair in the history. I also believe what you said happens for many as well. But it is wrong and arrogent to think that All marriages touched by infidelity fail eventually or are never whole. People are way to diverse. Situations are way to diverse.