3 year relationship over, still think about ex before

[Mark-one]

my 6 year relationship ended at the end of 2010 and i met someone far too quickly (rebound i guess) though at the time i didn't realise this

 

anyway the rebound relationship has now ended after 3 years (end of 2013)

 

one reason it ended was i wasn't moving forward or opening up (ie: thinking about living together) and i also think i was still hung up on my 6 year relationship as i hadn't had time and space to be alone and process it when it ended

 

what i also realised in the 3 year relationship was how much i missed and loved my ex from the 6 year R/ship and how much better she was for me

 

what i'm asking myself is because i always think about my ex from the 6 year relationship should i attempt to make contact?

 

even if it's just full closure

 

i never expressed how i truly felt when it ended in 2010 because frankly i didn't know how i felt, it took me about 18 months into the 3 year relationship to realise i loved my previous partner and i think that has been a part of why i couldn't move on in the 3 year R/ship

 

what i don't want to do is take all this baggage into a new relationship

 

i am staying single this time around to try and sort this out

 

is it a good idea to contact an ex after 3 years? i was thinking of writing a letter explaining my behaviour at the time now i am clearer

[polynomial]

why did the 6-year-old Rs end?

[Mark-one]

why did the 6-year-old Rs end?

 

basically we weren't living together and she wanted to start a family

 

so there was pressure to move in and try for kid/s in the following year

 

the moving in together i could've handled but it was coz i knew she wanted kids held me back and i didn't/wasn't ready

 

actually at times i felt a lot of pressure from her, she was 40 and desperate

 

she used to say if i didn't want kids it can't work

 

i was also made redundant 2 years prior and was working for myself not earning as much money which added to the pressure

 

so what's changed now? well i know i could live with someone and am more open to kids but wouldn't say i'd want them in the next few years until i'm more financially stable

[HeartinPain]

If it took you 18 months to realize the rebound wasn't right for you.. why did you continue the relationship another 18 months? How long after the breakup did you rebound? Did you keep in contact with the ex during your time with the rebound? Were you the dumper in both relationships?

 

I think you need to give yourself a few months to process the end of the 3 year relationship and be alone to find yourself. Afterward, I would reach out to the ex. However, you rebounding as quick as you did probably does not put you in a favorable light in her eyes. Reach out after a few months, but don't get your hopes up. She has probably already grieved the relationship and may no longer trust that you won't hurt her again.

 

I would love you to keep me updated on this. I am in a similar situation.

[Mark-one]

If it took you 18 months to realize the rebound wasn't right for you.. why did you continue the relationship another 18 months?

 

 

good question - guess i was weak and i enjoyed the sex, also my 6 year ex wanted kids and i wasn't ready/didn't want any at that time so that stopped me from contacting her - i mean how could it work?

 

 

How long after the breakup did you rebound?

 

instantly

 

 

Did you keep in contact with the ex during your time with the rebound?

 

 

only 1 or 2 texts, i did meet her after 8 months for coffee one day after asking if we could, we chatted for a couple of hours and i apologised and aknowledged my bad relationship behaviour which i think she was pleased i was able to see the error of my ways, though i did say again i wasn't ready for kids which is why i couldn't move in with her...think that annoyed her as it was like repeating the same as when we broke up

 

 

Were you the dumper in both relationships?

 

nope - dumpee

[Mark-one]

a fuller explanation:

 

 

I was with someone for 6 years, we had a short break after the first 5 months due to me pulling back then I realised a few months later how much I liked her and we got back together, I was always drawn to this woman and always looked forward to seeing her and when I was with her I felt inspired to better myself which I’d never felt with anyone before. It’s like she put fire under me that drove me..

 

To try and keep this story to the point after 6 years she ended it because we were not living together (yes I know 6 years is a long time to not be living together!) it wasn’t just that, she was desperate to start a family due to her age (41) and that’s what was stopping me as I wasn’t keen or ready for fatherhood and all it’s responsibilities at that time (also due to my own childhood issues – parents divorce / adandonment) didn’t help

 

I also felt under a lot of pressure from her to move in and settle down, there was never so much as a discussion about kids (only one big talk 3 years prior) after that it was more of her telling me that’s what she wanted and if I didn’t then it wouldn’t work and she would end it.

 

also I had been made redundant from work and was starting out working self employed which made me very busy. I had a lot of things going on in my mind like money etc, I was also close to my 40th birthday and was questioning where I was going in life and if I wanted this. I also think (from reading threads on this site) that I had a bit of “grass is greener” thing as I do remember thinking I wasn’t ready to settle down and did still want to meet other women.

 

Anyway we broke up because of me not moving in and the kids thing and that was that, 1 email and 1 text from her (which was a reply to mine) and never spoken to her since 1 time when we met for coffee 8/9 months later.

 

I did text her about 18 months after BU asking her if she wanted to meet for coffee and the reply was “not really.”

 

Shortly after this relationship ended I met someone (too soon it was so a rebound) but it happened and the sex was great! Exactly what “I thought” I wanted as it wasn’t completely satisfied with my ex in the bedroom….but I always thought of my ex and after 3 or 4 months I was still thinking about her, after sex with my current GF I was just sitting there thinking I wish this was with my ex and wished I was with her instead.

 

Anyway fast forward 3 years and now the relationship with the rebound GF has ended (which I may write about in another thread)

 

Something I have never gotten over is thinking about my ex, It’s been 3 years now and I know it also prevented me from moving forward in the relationship with current GF that has just ended.

 

What can I do about this? I don’t want these thoughts of my ex to ruin another relationship (which I don’t intend to start any time soon by the way!)

I need closure on this…part of me wants to talk to my ex especially as now I feel I am more mature but 3 years is a long time with little or NC and I’m sure she’s moved on

Edited January 3, 2014 by Mark-one

[HeartinPain]

You reached out to her at 18 months to get coffee while you still had a gf.. I can see why she didn't want to. Do you still have feelings for the rebound? It seems to me that you are scared to be alone and swinging branches. Did the ex know about your rebound relationship and how quickly it occurred afterward?

 

She invested 6 years with you with the hope of settling down and having a family with you. She was 41 when she broke up with you.. honestly, from a female point of view.. I think she felt she wasted her time with you and may even resent you for it. I am really sorry to tell you that. With how quickly you rebounded, it seems to have been the final slap in her face. Do you know if she is with someone else now?

 

I think if you really feel a need to talk to her after you are done mourning your rebound relationship, you should reach out to her. Enough time has passed for her where I think she may be open to discussing the past relationship with you and possibly opening the door to some sort of friendship. However, do not get your hopes up. I do not think she will be keen in starting another relationship or friendship with you. You have created a lot of damage to her and you seem to be fresh out of the rebound relationship.

 

During the 3 years in the rebound relationship, did you ever grieve the relationship with your ex?

Edited January 3, 2014 by HeartinPain

[Mark-one]

You reached out to her at 18 months to get coffee while you still had a gf.. I can see why she didn't want to. Do you still have feelings for the rebound? It seems to me that you are scared to be alone and swinging branches. Did the ex know about your rebound relationship and how quickly it occurred afterward?

 

She invested 6 years with you with the hope of settling down and having a family with you. She was 41 when she broke up with you.. honestly, from a female point of view.. I think she felt she wasted her time with you and may even resent you for it. I am really sorry to tell you that. With how quickly you rebounded, it seems to have been the final slap in her face. Do you know if she is with someone else now?

 

I think if you really feel a need to talk to her after you are done mourning your rebound relationship, you should reach out to her. Enough time has passed for her where I think she may be open to discussing the past relationship with you and possibly opening the door to some sort of friendship. However, do not get your hopes up. I do not think she will be keen in starting another relationship or friendship with you. You have created a lot of damage to her and you seem to be fresh out of the rebound relationship.

 

During the 3 years in the rebound relationship, did you ever grieve the relationship with your ex?

 

 

thanks for your reply

 

my 6 year ex didn't know i had a GF when i met her or reached out to her (well i assume not)

 

yes i still have feelings for my 3 year ex, it only ended 2 months ago and we met a couple of times since but i found out just before NYE she is with someone new!

 

i totally agree with what you say about regarding 6 year ex that she probably felt she had wasted her time with me regarding kids and possibly still resents me for it if she had lost her chance

 

i felt terribly ashamed and embarressed after the BU and that also stopped me from trying to make contact

 

i actually saw her one time walking into town and i couldn't look at her as i felt so bad (shame / a failure / guilty) it hurt to see her

 

i have no idea if she is with anyone else now and no way to find out

 

this actually makes me feel a little scared as if i did reach out and she tells me she has someone new i think that could hurt me all over again

 

i think also because i was in a rebound relationship i did not grieve my 6 year ex and this also prevented the rebound relationship progressing

 

so a big mess really and all my own doing

[Mark-one]

in time if and when i decide to write a letter to my 6 year ex explaining my behaviour 3 years ago

 

how would i go about this? i have tried putting my thoughts into words so far but it just doesn't come out right

[HeartinPain]

in time if and when i decide to write a letter to my 6 year ex explaining my behaviour 3 years ago

 

how would i go about this? i have tried putting my thoughts into words so far but it just doesn't come out right

 

Personally, I would call her. If contact goes well.. you can ask her to meet for lunch to catch up.

[Mark-one]

Personally, I would call her. If contact goes well.. you can ask her to meet for lunch to catch up.

 

don't think i have the guts to call after 3 years NC!

 

however it is her birthday in a few days time, did think about sending a b'day text to try and break the ice..

[HeartinPain]

I think calling is always better because it shows more effort. If you are really scared, you can send her a birthday text and tell her that you have been thinking of her. With texts.. she is more inclined not to respond.

 

just my two cents.

[rosedl]

If she wants children and she is 40 and you don't for a few more years, isn't that a deal breaker?

 

Fertility dives into nothing by your mid forties and then, its egg donor time.

 

Not a small issue.

[Mark-one]

If she wants children and she is 40 and you don't for a few more years, isn't that a deal breaker?

 

Fertility dives into nothing by your mid forties and then, its egg donor time.

 

Not a small issue.

 

she would be 43 now, 44 in a few days time (40 and 41, 3 years ago)

[Mark-one]

i'd be interested in any responses from women regarding my post

 

i think men and women look and see things so differently

[polynomial]

i'd be interested in any responses from women regarding my post

 

i think men and women look and see things so differently

 

Here's the thing. What benefits do you see in contacting her? I mean, say she's still single, would you want to get back with her and have kids? You say you still wouldn't want them until few years, she will be over 45 then. I don't think it would be fair of you to contact her.

[Mark-one]

Here's the thing. What benefits do you see in contacting her? I mean, say she's still single, would you want to get back with her and have kids? You say you still wouldn't want them until few years, she will be over 45 then. I don't think it would be fair of you to contact her.

 

ok

 

but suppose she is single and has accepted the fact she's unlikely to have kids at 44

 

i remember the 1 time i met her for coffee she said she was thinking of getting dual citizenship for Australia so she could see her sister and kids more often

 

that was 3 years ago so perhaps she had accepted that then?

 

 

i dunno i guess nothing ventured nothing gained...

[Mark-one]

well i called her! wasn't that hard actually

 

had a chat for 10/15 mins about neutral stuff

 

she wasn't too well in health, she always suffered from epilepsy and it's got worse she told me, she sounded quite dozzy from the drugs and has been forced to work part time due to health

 

anyway i did ask if she fancied meeting up sometime for a coffee but she said not really, i asked why and she said "can't be arsed"!

 

so i guess i have my closure then ....

[lop98]

Guess you do.

 

This is so lame I just want to close my eyes, I'm sorry.

 

You couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop thinking about your ex, wanted to resolve things and were heartbroken around the same time you were posting this other woman from your past. Not to mention you rebounded right away through a dating site, which I'm sure this woman figured out on her own (and not telling her only made it worse because women tend to figure this stuff out in no time anyway).

 

I only hope you really got your closure here and won't bother her again, you only want her when you're lonely and only if she has "accepted the fact that she's unlikely to have kids at 44"... only if she has accepted the best scenario that could make YOU happy.

 

You seriously need to spend a lot of time doing some soul searching on your own, and have find some respect for women... sorry if that sounds harsh but the only impression I got from all of this is that you think you love them but at the end of the day, you love yourself so much more that you're willing to run them over, you know their dreams (such as having children, which is very common for women) and know you're incompatible and yet can't be honest enough to end the relationship or be firm on how that's never going to happen... and I think the only reason you lie to yourself into thinking both relationships have been based on love is because that's your best resource to avoid facing the fact that you can't stand being on your own and don't know how to love yourself. So that's the real mess, you can take them out of the equation, they're free individuals, they will be fine... the "can't be arsed" reply is a wonderful example of being able to put crap like this behind (and I'm glad for her), but the one that has to live with the consequences is you, you need treatment and treatment involves real responsibility, not blaming this on your parents, childhood or making pity-parties on how it's all your fault, if you have given false hope, it's better to face that now and correct that pattern, because as youthful as you make yourself sound (particularly when describing your 6 year relationship), time's running and there's only so much self-inflicted heartbreak one can stand by building relationships based on deceitfulness and fear of loneliness.

[oracle]

It all sounds a bit selfish to be honest. All of it

 

Leave your ex alone.. don't stir the pot for them for your own sake.

 

Spend some years alone, do some soul searching. Don't inflict yourself on anyone for awhile

 

 

my 6 year relationship ended at the end of 2010 and i met someone far too quickly (rebound i guess) though at the time i didn't realise this

 

anyway the rebound relationship has now ended after 3 years (end of 2013)

 

one reason it ended was i wasn't moving forward or opening up (ie: thinking about living together) and i also think i was still hung up on my 6 year relationship as i hadn't had time and space to be alone and process it when it ended

 

what i also realised in the 3 year relationship was how much i missed and loved my ex from the 6 year R/ship and how much better she was for me

 

what i'm asking myself is because i always think about my ex from the 6 year relationship should i attempt to make contact?

 

even if it's just full closure

 

i never expressed how i truly felt when it ended in 2010 because frankly i didn't know how i felt, it took me about 18 months into the 3 year relationship to realise i loved my previous partner and i think that has been a part of why i couldn't move on in the 3 year R/ship

 

what i don't want to do is take all this baggage into a new relationship

 

i am staying single this time around to try and sort this out

 

is it a good idea to contact an ex after 3 years? i was thinking of writing a letter explaining my behaviour at the time now i am clearer

[melell]

Don't inflict yourself on anyone for awhile

 

This might sound harsh but it is 100% my mentality. I always try and think about my character, or being my idea of a good person, so naturally I think about my reasons for doing things.

 

99% of the time I am thinking about what I want, how I'll feel, what I'll get etc etc. It is endless self involved plotting. And this is coming from someone who is actively trying to be a 'good' person.

 

I think it is really important to be mindful of what you are inflicting on others, if not, don't expect a happy result.

[Haydn]

Why bother someone after 3 years? Thats very selfish.

[Haydn]

You sound happy that her life is not so good. You got your self validation? Guess you feel better now. You are a nasty piece of work.

 

Yes i will rake up the points for that one. But it needed to be said.

 

well i called her! wasn't that hard actually

 

had a chat for 10/15 mins about neutral stuff

 

she wasn't too well in health, she always suffered from epilepsy and it's got worse she told me, she sounded quite dozzy from the drugs and has been forced to work part time due to health

 

anyway i did ask if she fancied meeting up sometime for a coffee but she said not really, i asked why and she said "can't be arsed"!

 

so i guess i have my closure then ....

[Mark-one]

Guess you do.

 

This is so lame I just want to close my eyes, I'm sorry.

 

You couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop thinking about your ex, wanted to resolve things and were heartbroken around the same time you were posting this other woman from your past. Not to mention you rebounded right away through a dating site, which I'm sure this woman figured out on her own (and not telling her only made it worse because women tend to figure this stuff out in no time anyway).

 

I only hope you really got your closure here and won't bother her again, you only want her when you're lonely and only if she has "accepted the fact that she's unlikely to have kids at 44"... only if she has accepted the best scenario that could make YOU happy.

 

You seriously need to spend a lot of time doing some soul searching on your own, and have find some respect for women... sorry if that sounds harsh but the only impression I got from all of this is that you think you love them but at the end of the day, you love yourself so much more that you're willing to run them over, you know their dreams (such as having children, which is very common for women) and know you're incompatible and yet can't be honest enough to end the relationship or be firm on how that's never going to happen... and I think the only reason you lie to yourself into thinking both relationships have been based on love is because that's your best resource to avoid facing the fact that you can't stand being on your own and don't know how to love yourself. So that's the real mess, you can take them out of the equation, they're free individuals, they will be fine... the "can't be arsed" reply is a wonderful example of being able to put crap like this behind (and I'm glad for her), but the one that has to live with the consequences is you, you need treatment and treatment involves real responsibility, not blaming this on your parents, childhood or making pity-parties on how it's all your fault, if you have given false hope, it's better to face that now and correct that pattern, because as youthful as you make yourself sound (particularly when describing your 6 year relationship), time's running and there's only so much self-inflicted heartbreak one can stand by building relationships based on deceitfulness and fear of loneliness.

 

thanks for this reply

 

i do feel there is a lot of truth in here about me and i know i have some deep seated issues i need to address before going into another relationship

 

you're right time is passing me by and i don't want all this drama in the future for myself nor do i want to inflict it upon anyone else

 

i have been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking these past few months and i really would love to get to the bottom of why i am like this, in fact only this week i went to my local GP to see what services are available to me as i feel i really need to reach out and talk to someone

 

i am at a point in life where i would really want a committed relationship with someone without messing it up, right now i'm actually feeling scared about doing that until i can sort myself out

[Haydn]

Ok Mark, this is a good start. I take back my words if you are willing to get some help now. But you know, you can always talk here. People will listen.

 

thanks for this reply

 

i do feel there is a lot of truth in here about me and i know i have some deep seated issues i need to address before going into another relationship

 

you're right time is passing me by and i don't want all this drama in the future for myself nor do i want to inflict it upon anyone else

 

i have been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking these past few months and i really would love to get to the bottom of why i am like this, in fact only this week i went to my local GP to see what services are available to me as i feel i really need to reach out and talk to someone

 

i am at a point in life where i would really want a committed relationship with someone without messing it up, right now i'm actually feeling scared about doing that until i can sort myself out