Love_me_not Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 My husband and I were separated for about 7 months last year. We weren't living together, and were arranging a divorce. During that time, I met someone whom I really liked, and he liked me as well. We saw each other every day, he went out of his way to see me and talk to me, and admittedly, so did I. However, I kept him at arm's length because I was not legally divorced, and so I thought it would have been cheating. Regardless, I really enjoyed being around him and liked him a lot. My husband asked me to join him in couples' therapy--just to give it a shot, so I did. I guess because I was so adamant about the divorce, I didn't think it would make a difference. But it did, and my husband and I have been attending couples' therapy for about a year together now. It has really helped and made our relationship so incredibly healthy. I am satisfied with my marriage 100%. I mean, he drives me insane sometimes, but that's marriage (haha). My problem is, I can't stop thinking about the other guy that I liked last year. I don't want to be with him, because I cherish my husband, but I always find myself thinking of this other man! It makes me feel so incredibly guilty, like I'm mentally cheating on my husband or something. The other guy and I still see each other, only because we have to go to the same place at the same time Monday through Friday (picking our kids up from school). Whenever I see him, I pretend I don't, I avoid him, etc. But he always seems to find a way to approach me and talk to me--even though he's married now! This situation is so strange, and I would really appreciate some input. Even if you just tell me this isn't crazy, and I shouldn't feel guilty maybe? Or should I? I am a faithful wife, and I have never and will never cheat on my husband. But thinking about this 'other guy' is really making me feel like a total p.o.s. Help? Thanks in advance!!
Sunlight72 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) Could you be a little more clear on exactly what you would like me to tell you? Are you just asking me to 1)say that you are a wonderful woman no matter what you do? Or are you 2)asking what you should do to live a life of self-respect and peaceful sleep? In response to 1) You are a Wonderful woman no matter what you do! In response to 2) Be an adult. Stop kidding yourself. From where you are now (I'm not going into your past - it is what it is and you can't change it, so at this point get your head on straight and get in the present moment). From where you are now, if you really want to give your marriage 100% you need to get this guy to leave you alone. It will be uncomfortable for sure! But afterward you Will feel stronger and more in control of your life How, you ask? Firstly, you need to tell your husband there's this guy you chatted with while you two were separated, and now he is hitting on you and you are trying to end it because you are committed to your marriage and want to build a trusting, loving relationship for the rest of your life with your husband. Tell your husband you have been ignoring this guy as best you can, but he is not taking the hint. Don't say it like you're a victim, say it like you and your husband are on a team together and you need the team to solve this odd little problem. If you feel more comfortable, you might bring it up during a counseling session where the environment is safe. Telling your husband will keep you honest, build trust between you two, and within several minutes or days will make you more confident and strong in your marriage and your life. You will be able to breathe again, and sleep next to your husband with a loving heart. Secondly, you need to publicly tell Flirter Dude that you are committed to your marriage. I would really recommend that you ask your husband to come with you. That's what I mean by publicly. If you let it remain a fuzzy secret flirtation it could come back or drift. I don't see any need for public drama - shouting or embarrassing this guy in front of his kids is out of line I think since you both flirted when you were separated. But just having your husband stand beside you, physically beside you, as you introduce him and then say you're together again and happy with your husband will build your marriage bond and be a Super Clear sign to Flirter Dude that his advances are going nowhere. Being an adult is not easy (as you know). Taking control of your own actions and words is very important to living an honest life and building an unshakeable marriage. Best Wishes, Sunlight Edited January 3, 2014 by Sunlight72 1
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