jellylorum Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 I met a man from Tennessee and left my home in Michigan to wed him. After I moved down, it became more and more obvious, that a female "friend" of his was wanting more from him that met the eye. At first I didn't mind him doing things for her, but, she then began telling me things about him to try to get me to divorce him. She would stick her nose in my marriage, and continually tries to make me look badly to him, as well as others, and her dependency reached a sickly degree, always calling him to help her with chores, or solve her dilemas, and I demanded he cease helping her, PERIOD. I don't care if he helps other single women. We were advised to ignore her and her calls, but,. my husband feels badly about loosing her as a friend? I just want him to back me up on this, and tell her to stay away from us. Help!!!! Jellylorum
tattoomytoe Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 would he rather loose a "friend" or maybe his wife?
Owl Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 Go buy a copy of "20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens. Start reading a chapter a nite...they're real short. Chapter 1 is the one right up your alley..."Make your spouse a priority". Let him know that you can appreciate his need for friendship, but this is impacting your marriage, and that you need to know that YOU are the most important woman in his life...not her. Good luck to you friend!
tiki Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 Wow, he's got to lose this "friend" with an agenda. It's going to cause lots of turbulence in your marriage if not. As a loving husband, it is his obligation to put you first. Didn't he *vow* to do this? Foresake all others? Let him know that what he's doing is hurting you tremendously and tell him that it's inappropriate business. He has to stop. If he doesn't stop, you may want to consider losing him...chances are, he'd end up with that "friend".
HokeyReligions Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 Its so easy sometimes to take our family for granted and show compassion for others. We let ourselves feel guilty over this and it tears us and our families apart. Tell your husband that one of the things you love about him is his compassion for others, but this other woman is abusing his good heart. Tell him you want to help him get past the feeling of guilt he has allowed himself and insist that he put you first. Sometimes it takes several different approaches before a person will "see the light" about how their own actions hurt others and leave them feeling guilty too. Try not to be demanding and emotional, but approach him with logic and love. I'm not familiar with the book Owl mentioned, but check it out. Also, look at marriage builders <URL removed> for more tips on communication and listening and understanding your feelings and your spouses feelings. We needed an outside source to bring home the messages we had been telling each other for a long time. Both of us found that by listening to others (a counselor, and some of the information and questionnaires on marriage builders) we understood what the other was trying to say. Both of us exclaimed "I TOLD you that before" a few times and responded with "You did?" and we realized that we only heard the message when it came from another source. It helped us to communicate better, not just by talking and expressing ourselves, but by listening in a new way.
Adunaphel Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 my husband feels badly about loosing her as a friend He should not feel badly, since it would be *her* fault if she lost a friend. If you want to keep your friends, _act like one_. If he misses her as a friend...well, he lost her as a friend the day she started to show interest in him. So it would not be your fault. It is her he misses, or the attention/ego boost that comes from knowing that a friend likes you? I hope he understands that if he doesn't ask her to stay away he'll be putting a huge strain on the marriage.
hooghie Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 Originally posted by jellylorum she then began telling me things about him to try to get me to divorce him. She would stick her nose in my marriage, and continually tries to make me look badly to him, as well as others, does he know that she says such things to you??? If he is completely innocent, why does he want a friend who trashes him behind his back and is trying to break up his marriage to his face? Something sounds fishy. If he really IS inncoent, he shouldn't have problem losing this PERSON- she is clearly not a friend to him.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 It's probably going to be difficult getting around his 'home-training'. Boys in that part of the country are brought up to be deferential toward women, for the most part anyway. The 'damsel-in-distress' routine works gangbusters on them. (I was just mulling this over earlier today, weirdly enough ) I might continue to allow him to help out. I'd probably tag along though. And after that, I'd find 2 or 3 of my female friends who needed a little help here and there. EVERY TIME. How could he argue if it's just helping out a friend? After a couple of months of that 'home-training' , he might be too tired to be quite that generous. The best part is that while he's busy being a humanitarian, you escape all accusations of controlling behavior.
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