mantlefan Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) My GF of 5 yrs broke up with me 5 months ago. We had a big disagreement about kids and at the time I couldn't tell her that I would ever want them, and she knew she wanted them. We grew distant, I think because we wanted to stay together but didn't see how it was going to work. During this time (July), she confided a lot in a mutual friend of ours. He is 3 years younger than her and 2 years younger than me (all three of us work together in the summers). She eventually broke up with me, and seemed genuinely reluctant and heartbroken herself, but I was beside myself. I got angry and tried to hurt her with terrible letters. After I had cooled down, prayed a lot, apologized, thought about the kids question and realized that someday I would want them, I contacted her and told her. She said she believed me, forgave me for the letters, but was not as happy as she thought she'd be, and said she wanted space, to see other people, maybe we'd get back together, and if not, hoped we could be friends someday, and maybe in a few months we could talk and see where we were at. A month after, we were all at a work reunion, and she noticed me look jealous when she was flirting with the friend I mentioned. When we were talking (we always got along great), she told me to ask what I wanted to ask. I asked if she and the guy were "starting something," and she said no. So I go through the next few months, seeing her occasionally, trying to do the friend thing, seeing her at a few get-togethers and at work meetings, while still sending her letters and gifts every now and then (she said she "didn't care" if I did this as long as I didn't bombard her). I was also talking to our friend about the breakup, since I thought he had some advice after some big heartbreak of his own, and I even asked if I should give up on her. He said he didn't know if I should, and that his ex only really became interested in him again when he cut off contact. I felt that was a little manipulative (silent treatment?), so I just kept up trying to be friends and coworkers with her while trying to keep pursuing her romantically separate, which she seemed OK with (seems pretty stupid in retrospect). In November, I asked her if we could talk about where we were at. She said she was not in love with me anymore and that she didn't see us ever getting back together. It was almost like a second breakup, because it really did a lot to reduce my hope (and isn't it stupid how it didn't kill it all?) Since then, at work meetings, we have been cordial, but I haven't seen her socially any more than I have to (one party, it was a work reunion with a bunch of mutual friends), and have stopped sending letters (at least up until the past couple days.) Well, last week, I see her with my friend in church, and he has his arm around her. It broke my heart all over again. I knew she was coming, but I thought it was just to visit (since she said it was just for "something different" and she goes there in the summers often) I was planning that morning before I saw them on seeing if they wanted to go out to lunch as three friends, and figured (maybe stupidly) that I shouldn't change who I hang out with because of her. Well, I ask him to food, and he says dinner works better. Turns out they leave together with his parents in the family car. She probably spent the night before there with him, although probably not in the same room since his parents were around. We go to dinner, and I ask him if they are together, and that since he is my friend, I should know. He says that he and her have been spending time together, and she has been after him for months, very quickly after the breakup. He says he told her to take a step back and think, like he hoped HIS ex would have. He didn't answer me clearly, but it sounds like they are in limbo. He says he isn't sure if he wants to be in a relationship, and that he doesn't want to be in one with her just because she wants him. I wonder if he is also concerned that he is a rebound for her, which some of my friends who know the three of us think is likely. Maybe he also has some reservations because he knows I am in love with her still. Maybe no one believes me when I say I meant this, but here it is: I told him that it would probably mean he and I couldn't be friends even if we tried if he dated her, because it would hurt me too much to see him and think of her and him together. But I also said that if he really thought he care for her and be good to her, he wouldn't be doing anything wrong. I almost gave him a green light. I told him that I really loved her and wanted her to be happy, and I really think I meant it. He said it took a lot of guts for me to say that, and before I broke down to much (we were in a restaurant I frequent), I told him that whatever happens, I hope things work out right and that she is taken care of. I sent him an email clarifying everything I said, and told him that if he does go after her, he should tell me. First of all, is it fair that I know if my friend is dating my ex? I think he needs to give me that information so I know how to act around him and so I can go where I need to and avoid who I need to in order to heal. Second, I want to be angry and hate them, but I can't. I feel pretty hurt that neither told me she was after him, even as I was confiding in him about her. I love her anyways still, and want her to be happy, because even if she has been terrible to me, I still love her. I can see where their fear in telling me may have come from, but even though I forgive them, is that too much to forget? She was already trying to get with him when she told me that he and she were not starting anything. Technically she wasn't lying, since he told her to take some time and think, but still, is it too late and too much to trust them ever again? Third, if he is dating her, I feel like it's totally OK to break off contact with him as well (I can't break off with her completely, because we work for the same nonprofit, but I won't invite her to social events anymore, I will block her on facebook, and I will not send her any letters after the last one I sent yesterday, which basically said that if she did want to be friends someday, not telling me that she was after my friend even as she knew I was confiding in that friend is not something a friend would do to me). I guess I am asking, I don't have to be accusing him of wrongdoing just by not being his friend anymore, correct? I feel like I am doing it to stop my pain, not to make him lose a friend. It's unfortunate because he and I have a lot in common and got along really great. Edited January 2, 2014 by mantlefan
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