Is it normal to leave somebody who works too much and rarely has time for you?

[polynomial]

Granted, I was dumped myself, but all the 2 years we dated, this bothered me and I think with time passing I might have snapped myself.

 

So my ex was an extreme workaholic. He basically grew up in a garage and all he wanted to do was to fix cars and that stuff. From the start of our relationship, he never had time for me. But he always promised he'd change and one day he will have time for me. Well, needless to say, that never happened, as he dumped me 4 ties on the way and never actually changed.

 

Thing is, now that we've broken up for good, I'm left thinking "oh my god, what was I so up in arms about, so he likes to work, big deal, be happy he wasn't a lazy bum" but I know that when I was in the relationship, I was very unhappy. He RARELY had time for me and when he did have time off, he just slept cause he was so exhausted.

 

One thing that now aches my heart is that, he had a medical condition (I won't say what, but it's uncurable and can worsen with time) and him working crazy hours just made me SO worried about his health. I mean, working 12+ hours isn't good even for a healthy man (yeah he's still young, 23, but will he change his habits before it's too late?) and him having an illness and exhausting himself like this.. It broke my heart. And I don't think I could've watched him do this, say, 10+ years. Does this make me unreasonable and selfish? (Ok, I realise, it IS selfish of me, because I wanted him to be healthy and around for a long time, but when you love someone, it's normal to want them to be healthy..)

 

Guess I just kind of feel guilty because maybe I couldn't handle him being sick and working so much and maybe I was afraid that the future would be quite bleak (him working all the time + maybe having a stroke or smth at the age of 40). And maybe I feel kind of guilty to feel, that maybe, just MAYBE a dodged a bullet here?

 

Sorry for the long rant.. And thanks for reading.

[DorkBreakfast]

Well, sounds like this guy is pretty set in his ways. If you weren't getting what you needed out the relationship, there isn't anything you should feel bad about. It is unfortunate that his health isn't great, but him exacerbating the problem by working too much is on him, not you. So I wouldn't feel guilty. Accept it for what it is and take care of yourself. It's that simple.

[polynomial]

Well, sounds like this guy is pretty set in his ways. If you weren't getting what you needed out the relationship, there isn't anything you should feel bad about. It is unfortunate that his health isn't great, but him exacerbating the problem by working too much is on him, not you. So I wouldn't feel guilty. Accept it for what it is and take care of yourself. It's that simple.

 

Thank you for your input.

 

I guess I just feel guilty because, eventhough he left me, maybe I am kind of releaved because I don't have to deal with his problems anymore.. And it makes me feel horrible.

[DorkBreakfast]

Thank you for your input.

 

I guess I just feel guilty because, eventhough he left me, maybe I am kind of releaved because I don't have to deal with his problems anymore.. And it makes me feel horrible.

 

 

That's a normal reaction from a person with a conscience. But rationally speaking, it would have been a net loss in the long run and you know it. So don't feel bad.

[Grumpybutfun]

There are two constants in life that we all need to accept...we cannot change other people and words mean nothing without actions. As for his illness and workaholic tendencies..it sounds as though that is who he is and you either adapted or you felt disappointed and second bestm all your life. Personally I think not getting what you need emotionally from a relationship in the beginning is only a foreshadowing of worse things to come. You weren't married and you don't have children so your decision was exactly correct for who you are and what you need right now.

The only advice I would give you is when you recognize red flags like poor health in which he doesn't address the inability he has to care for himself and him working to the detriment of his relationship with you...don't second guess yourself and stay because you feel for him or you have hopes of change. Kindly state that this relationship will not fit your needs and leave him to someone who loves and appreciates a workaholic who is set in his ways and isn't concerned about his partners feelings on the matter.

No need to feel guilty for taking care of yourself and desiring to be appreciated and valued.

He will be just fine.

Best,

Grumps

Edited January 2, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[polynomial]

There are two constants in life that we all need to accept...we cannot change other people and words mean nothing without actions. As for his illness and workaholic tendencies..it sounds as though that is who he is and you either adapted or you felt disappointed and second bestm all your life. Personally I think not getting what you need emotionally from a relationship in the beginning is only a foreshadowing of worse things to come. You weren't married and you don't have children so your decision was exactly correct for who you are and what you need right now.

The only advice I would give you is when you recognize red flags like poor health in which he doesn't address the inability he has to care for himself and him working to the detriment of his relationship with you...don't second guess yourself and stay because you feel for him or you have hopes of change. Kindly state that this relationship will not fit your needs and leave him to someone who loves and appreciates a workaholic who is set in his ways and isn't concerned about his partners feelings on the matter.

No need to feel guilty for taking care of yourself and desiring to be appreciated and valued.

He will be just fine.

Best,

Grumps

 

Thank you, I appreciate your reply.

 

Another thing that bothers me is what if he meets someone who will actually change his ways? Someone for who he will actually dedicate his time?

 

But then I realise that he's not likely to change and even he does meet someone new and tries to change, he'll probably slip back into his old habits..

 

Most importantly anyway, it's not my problem anymore to worry about I guess.

[Els]

I would be okay with someone who worked 12 hours a day on average, assuming weekends off. That's 60 hours/week, which is similar to my SO's schedule for the past 3 years. It isn't too bad, as I have my own work/hobbies to keep me occupied, and we still spend a couple hours a day together at home on weekdays, and spend our days off together going out on dates.

 

But, if you aren't okay with it, then it isn't okay. There is nothing wrong with that. We all have to make our own choices, and choose our own dealbreakers. Don't be afraid or ashamed to stick to yours.

[polynomial]

I would be okay with someone who worked 12 hours a day on average, assuming weekends off. That's 60 hours/week, which is similar to my SO's schedule for the past 3 years. It isn't too bad, as I have my own work/hobbies to keep me occupied, and we still spend a couple hours a day together at home on weekdays, and spend our days off together going out on dates.

 

But, if you aren't okay with it, then it isn't okay. There is nothing wrong with that. We all have to make our own choices, and choose our own dealbreakers. Don't be afraid or ashamed to stick to yours.

 

I would have been fine with only week-ends off if they were, indeed, off, but he either worked or slept during the week-ends.

 

Bearing in mind though, that I was the dumpee,I guess I would've stick around for some time..

 

I guess it also depends on the relationship and how much you trust each other. My ex dumped me several times due to his problems and not having time and this made it incredibly hard for me to trust him which in effect led me to be uncontent with the working situation because I never knew if I actually had something to wait for.