Why Won't My Ex Gf Let Me Move On?

[Benson7632]

3 months ago, my gf of four years left me to start a relationship with a guy she went to high school with. The breakup was not overly emotional and I tried to be as mature as I could. I had broken up with her twice before over the past four years but this was the first time she had ever broken up with me. She was very clingy and dramatic for the first year and a half of our relationship, but she eventually relaxed and we've been very happy together.

 

I knew there was no sense in pleading and begging but I was bothered at first because I didn't understand why she broke it off with me. The first two weeks of the breakup we talked a lot over the phone but only once in person. Eventually we reconciled and she explained to me that she felt like I wasn't fully committed to her because I wouldn't drive the two hours to see her as much as she wanted (which of course wasn't true, I just couldn't make it out sometimes because of school and work but I usually did come out once a week) and that I didn't compliment her enough. She said that because she had low self-esteem she needed someone who complimented her all the time. I understood this and felt bad, because I knew she had low self-esteem and maybe depression and realized I should have told her she was beautiful etc more often.

 

So I accepted that the breakup was mostly my fault, and despite wishing she'd come back, and wishing she'd just talked to me instead of starting a relationship with someone else, I tried to move on with my life. The first month after the breakup I completely stopped communicating with her in anyway. I felt like I had apologized and we had left off at a good point, and maybe further down the line something could be worked out. I feel like love has to be balanced, and quite frankly the idea of a boyfriend who just kisses his girlfriend's ass and tells her she's perfect everyday doesn't sound very attractive. From what I've heard the new bf sounds like a doormat. I figured she'd get bored of that eventually and come back, we always fit perfectly together and only fought once in a while the first year or so of our relationship. Still though, I tried to move on. I haven't seen any new girls yet because I feel like it's not right to see people right away when a breakup's still fresh.

 

The problem is not a single week has gone by where she hasn't texted or called me. I know that sometimes an ex will do this to be manipulative but I don't think she would do that. I'm confused because almost every time she contacts me it's to tell me how unhappy she is. She almost never talks about her new bf but says she isn't happy with her life. It's the holiday season and I figured I might hear from her, but we broke up at the beginning of September and they started dating in October. I didn't imagine I'd hear from her every week. I deleted her off FB knowing it was the right thing to do but my friends have told me that she posted a lot of pictures of her and her new bf the first week or two of the relationship and then it abruptly stopped. Since then she's also liked any pictures of myself that I post on instagram which I forgot she's still following me on.

 

We're both in our early 20s and I understand that sometimes girls think the grass will be greener, which is ironic because when I said that maybe the grass wasn't as green as she'd thought she said, "is it ever?" I'm not bitter or jealous and I feel like we worked through the problem by talking about it even if she already had entered a new relationship. The way she talks I feel like she isn't happy with the new guy but isn't ready to come back to me just yet. Anyone else have this happen to them? It hurts to talk to her but I feel like she thinks more and more about coming back every time she contacts me. I feel like ignoring her won't do either of us any good, and doesn't seem very polite because often she's texting just to say something nice.

[thompkevin]

Hey,

 

As collegechik1 said, she still has feelings for you and she still loves you (read Sneaky Signs Your Ex Still Loves You (Even If They Say They Don?t)). From your post, you are hoping that her new relationship will not work out and she will eventually want to get back together, so I guess it's a good sign that she is contacting you and she is unhappy in the relationship.

 

I also don't think you should ignore her. But keep the conversation short. Make sure you don't become friendzoned where she just uses you to feel better about herself.

Edited January 3, 2014 by thompkevin

[Simon Phoenix]

She's using you as a backup plan just to make sure you are around in case this other guy doesn't work. She might not realize this, but that's exactly what she's doing. And even if the other guy doesn't work out, you aren't necessarily in line to get back with her.

 

I would definitely stop talking to her, because she's treating you like her platonic buddy, and I'm guessing that that's not what you want. She can't truly miss you and value what you had if you never go away. So it's time to disappear for a while -- you aren't her relationship counselor, you aren't her female friend, you are her ex-boyfriend.

 

As for the title of your thread, it's not up to her to let you go. It's up to you to move forward. You are in charge of your own recovery and your own life.

[Million.to.1]

What do you want? do you want her back?

 

If you do want to move on then you need to politely tell her that the constant contact has to stop.

 

if you want her back, then you need to politely tell her that the constant contact has to stop.

 

You both need space from each other to truly remember yourselves. It's up to her to build a reconciliation with you if that's what she wants. This isn't going to happen while you are in contact and she is in another relationship. She is stopping you from moving on.

You have a good attitude about the break-up and taking time before dating again, and i think with some time without contact with her, you will be able to look at this situation more objectively. Maybe it was for the best.

[Benson7632]

Definitely great replies from everyone. What I probably should have mentioned is the content of a lot of the texts she sends or the things she says on the phone...she refuses to say that she doesn't love me anymore, but will never actually say, "I love you". Whenever I say she doesn't love me anymore she always says "I've never said that I don't love you anymore", and tells me she misses me every now and then. I don't know about anyone else but if I had just started dating a girl and I saw that she was sending the kind of texts she sends to me I don't think I'd be comfortable being in the relationship knowing she still talks that way to her ex.

 

This is why I kind of have trouble taking her new relationship seriously, it's not that I don't respect her, it's that if she REALLY loved this guy, she wouldn't bother texting me every week, maybe every month, or on a rare occasion out of guilt, but not every single week. It's confusing because the first month of her new relationship she was like this, and anytime I texted her she was very brief and did not elicit any kind of emotion. It was only when I completely cut contact that I started hearing from her again, and each time I did, she became less and less distant. The longest I'll ever go without hearing from her is 5 or 6 days. I never initiate contact.

 

I think this breakup would be a little easier if it happened at any other time of the year. Even right after the breakup I knew I'd hear from her for thanksgiving...and then christmas...and then new years. My birthday is next week and yesterday she suggested we go out to lunch together for the day. I have the day off from work but I'm a little annoyed by this kind of behavior. She's never been very traditional but who breaks up with someone, contacts them every week, and then not even four months later suggests going out to eat? More to the point, what's her new boyfriend going to think? The idea that right after breaking up she's already meeting up with her ex, that would really weird me out after being with someone for three months.

 

Like I said in my first post, I thought we did a good job reconciling. I admitted a lot of things I did wrong, and I apologized, and I made it pretty clear I accepted responsibility. As a few people said I am absolutely avoiding the friendzone. I've made it clear many many times that I am not, and may never be, ready to be friends. I could if we broke up and she started seeing somebody a month or two later but the fact that this guy was messaging her on FB and texting her behind my back and not even a day after breaking up with me she got into a relationship and posted pictures of herself on FB kissing was just very harsh after a four year relationship. If I were in her position I'd have had a little more respect for her than posting pictures like that right after the breakup. I did some things wrong, but I didn't cheat or abuse her, just stupid things a lot of young guys forget to do like call instead of text, cancel plans with friends to hang out with her. Nothing major that really forced her to leave me for someone else.

 

I've already decided to go to the lunch, I think depending how it goes will really determine what my course of action is. If she seems like she's thinking things over, and needs more time, I'm willing to put up with this a little longer, but if she acts like this lunch is some kind of favor and treats me like a guyfriend I definitely won't be responding to her in the future. In reference to what one poster said, I did ask her to move in with me, she broke up with me maybe a month after I got my own place. In fact, one of the times she texted me she was talking about how sad she was that her best friend had moved in with her boyfriend, which I felt kind of spoke for itself. I feel like she's afraid to fully let go of our relationship, I believe her when she says she likes this guy but I think she's afraid to fully commit to him and let me move on. She said she made her decision when she broke up with me but I don't think she fully made up her mind, if she had she'd still be as crazy about him as she was in the beginning.

 

The one thing that really turned things around is when I told her that I thought she had no idea who she was or what she wanted, and that was why I never contacted her anymore, to let her figure it out. She said I was right, and talks a lot about "figuring out who she is and what she wants". Thats why I'm okay with her still texting me I guess. I'm okay with her letting her figure herself out and what she wants, but if thats not me, and shes sure about that, I'd like to move on. Otherwise I'm fine with putting this behind us and starting over.

[amaysngrace]

I think that something must be lacking in you if you're drawn to a woman with low self-esteem.

 

Forget her for now and figure your own self out.

[almond]

"Why Won't My Ex Gf Let Me Move On?"

 

This is incorrect - YOU are not letting yourself move on.

 

Stop texting her. Stop entertaining ideas to spend your birthday with her! Who would she spend hers with? Her current boyfriend and her friends/family.

 

This girl is with a new guy. She is being deceitful and incredibly disrespectful by messaging you behind his back. Mature for her age? I think not.

 

Move on. She is stringing you along. At this point in time, she is happily sleeping with and taking what she likes off her current boyfriend, and getting a bit of attention and validation from you at the same time.

 

Is this the sort of behaviour that you want in a partner? Her actions highlight some very negative characteristics in a person in my opinion, and I'd go no contact immediately, and move on to bigger and better things.

[Simon Phoenix]

Definitely great replies from everyone. What I probably should have mentioned is the content of a lot of the texts she sends or the things she says on the phone...she refuses to say that she doesn't love me anymore, but will never actually say, "I love you". Whenever I say she doesn't love me anymore she always says "I've never said that I don't love you anymore", and tells me she misses me every now and then. I don't know about anyone else but if I had just started dating a girl and I saw that she was sending the kind of texts she sends to me I don't think I'd be comfortable being in the relationship knowing she still talks that way to her ex.

 

This is why I kind of have trouble taking her new relationship seriously, it's not that I don't respect her, it's that if she REALLY loved this guy, she wouldn't bother texting me every week, maybe every month, or on a rare occasion out of guilt, but not every single week. It's confusing because the first month of her new relationship she was like this, and anytime I texted her she was very brief and did not elicit any kind of emotion. It was only when I completely cut contact that I started hearing from her again, and each time I did, she became less and less distant. The longest I'll ever go without hearing from her is 5 or 6 days. I never initiate contact.

 

I think this breakup would be a little easier if it happened at any other time of the year. Even right after the breakup I knew I'd hear from her for thanksgiving...and then christmas...and then new years. My birthday is next week and yesterday she suggested we go out to lunch together for the day. I have the day off from work but I'm a little annoyed by this kind of behavior. She's never been very traditional but who breaks up with someone, contacts them every week, and then not even four months later suggests going out to eat? More to the point, what's her new boyfriend going to think? The idea that right after breaking up she's already meeting up with her ex, that would really weird me out after being with someone for three months.

 

Like I said in my first post, I thought we did a good job reconciling. I admitted a lot of things I did wrong, and I apologized, and I made it pretty clear I accepted responsibility. As a few people said I am absolutely avoiding the friendzone. I've made it clear many many times that I am not, and may never be, ready to be friends. I could if we broke up and she started seeing somebody a month or two later but the fact that this guy was messaging her on FB and texting her behind my back and not even a day after breaking up with me she got into a relationship and posted pictures of herself on FB kissing was just very harsh after a four year relationship. If I were in her position I'd have had a little more respect for her than posting pictures like that right after the breakup. I did some things wrong, but I didn't cheat or abuse her, just stupid things a lot of young guys forget to do like call instead of text, cancel plans with friends to hang out with her. Nothing major that really forced her to leave me for someone else.

 

I've already decided to go to the lunch, I think depending how it goes will really determine what my course of action is. If she seems like she's thinking things over, and needs more time, I'm willing to put up with this a little longer, but if she acts like this lunch is some kind of favor and treats me like a guyfriend I definitely won't be responding to her in the future. In reference to what one poster said, I did ask her to move in with me, she broke up with me maybe a month after I got my own place. In fact, one of the times she texted me she was talking about how sad she was that her best friend had moved in with her boyfriend, which I felt kind of spoke for itself. I feel like she's afraid to fully let go of our relationship, I believe her when she says she likes this guy but I think she's afraid to fully commit to him and let me move on. She said she made her decision when she broke up with me but I don't think she fully made up her mind, if she had she'd still be as crazy about him as she was in the beginning.

 

The one thing that really turned things around is when I told her that I thought she had no idea who she was or what she wanted, and that was why I never contacted her anymore, to let her figure it out. She said I was right, and talks a lot about "figuring out who she is and what she wants". Thats why I'm okay with her still texting me I guess. I'm okay with her letting her figure herself out and what she wants, but if thats not me, and shes sure about that, I'd like to move on. Otherwise I'm fine with putting this behind us and starting over.

 

It sounds like you are already in the friend zone dude. Just because you say that you aren't going to be put in the friend zone doesn't mean that she isn't going to put you there. I mean, if you don't have the resolve to move on on your own, how are you going to stay out of the friend zone?

 

You are way too available and way too convenient. And the fact that she's dating someone else is an absolute red flag. She's getting emotional support from you and physical support from him. She gets it all, her current boyfriend gets quite a bit and you are getting nothing. Because you are an easy mark -- she doesn't have to give you what you want because you'll take whatever she gives without question. When you respond to her and enable her the way you are, that's exactly the message you give off.

 

Like I said before, she can't miss something that doesn't go away. And you haven't gone away -- when she snaps, you jump hoping for a treat.

[Benson7632]

Everyones input has definitely helped a lot, and I'm thankful for it. You'll all be happy to know I called off the lunch and expressed how I was feeling. I've said before that I will not be turned into a guyfriend, and I guess she thought she was going to do this anyway but I told her to stop contacting me. I wasn't rude or disrespectful but I told her it wasn't right that she kept reaching out to me for emotional support when she was very aware that I still had feelings for her. Wished her the best in life and made it clear I didn't want to hear from her again unless it was to start over as boyfriend and girlfriend and not some friendzone bullsh--. I love her and I hope the best for her, but it's true that I can't keep allowing her to string me along while she's with this other guy, it just makes me look pathetic and I won't let her do that. Maybe things will work out for the best in the future but I think I deserve better than this