Rollercoaster Rider Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I have been lurking and posting for a few months now. But, never have given my background. I will try to be short.. I am a MOW, met MOM 3.5 years ago, we worked together. The attraction was instant, strong, and mutual. He said this was his first affair, which I believed due to his caution in everything he did..at first. Things were good for some time, we met every morning, lunch everyday and afterwork sometimes for a few hours. Called, texted, constant contact. Exactly what I was lacking at home.. feeling wanted, desired. Both of us really checked out of our marriages right up until Dday . We were good together, I felt like I could me myself around him and he would say the same. About 7 months in, he started getting very possessive, jealous. Would get mad if I talked to co-workers, went to lunch with anyone other then him. He had to know at all times where I was and who I was with. We had numerous break-ups due to this behavior, but I wasn't strong enough to stay away...no SMART enough is the correct word. He started with the I Love You's...can't live without you..can't not have you in my life. I really thought he cared for me and wanted to be a part of my life. We never talked about leaving our SO, he had children at home..I did not but, I never thought about leaving. He would always talk bad about his wife...and wished he never got married. Things were what they were, and he filled a void. Fast forward.. we were together 2 years and D-day arrived. His BS started looking at phone records, we had gotten sloppy on his personal phone. He said they would likely divorce, but 2 days later was in MC. I stuck around, even though I knew it was not the right thing to do. Our contact started to diminish and so did the time we spent together. He use to go out of his way to make sure he seen me, now it was more like a chore. He wouldn't talk to me about things the way he use to, it was like he shut me out. And when I would say things asking about how things were going at home and so on... his response: she has changed, she is like a different person. The fact was..he had changed, he got caught. I went on like this with him on and off for another 15 months, then in November he really started to get distant. I had enough at this point, I hadn't even seen him for almost 2 months. The texting and talking were bare minimum, and when we would talk it was all surface. Early December I decided that this needed to stop, for my own good. I was driving myself crazy questioning what I did wrong, what could I do better, why did he change, OMG..it drove me crazy. I think I was at my lowest. I knew if I said I wanted it over he would continue to contact me, he always did. So, instead when he texted me one day..I responded with this: STOP TEXTING MY WIFE, I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU AND HER AND I WANT THIS TO STOP. Needless to say, he didn't respond..he did contact my friend the next day to see what happened though. Anyways, I waited a week to contact him, and when I did he told me he couldn't do THIS anymore. He couldn't carry two phones, he couldn't handle trying to say and do the right things without upsetting me, he didn't want to get caught again. We said our Goodbyes... he told me I could call his personal phone on private caller if I needed to talk, I said no Thank You, he said well you can call if you need to. I hung up the phone.. and haven't heard a word in 3 weeks. The hurt I feel is overwhelming at times, I feel like I lost my Best Friend.. I really lost a POS that never deserved to have me in the first place. I am keeping it together the best I can, IC once a week and I am lucky to have my best friend to talk to. I am trying to let my husband back in, which has really opened up my eyes and noticed just how much I shut him out. So unfair to him, he isn't a bad man, I never had a bad marriage, I was just selfish..plain and simple. I just am thankful that I didn't ruin what I already had at home.
Scott Thomas Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 How's your marriage? I presume your husband doesn't know about the affair or how you feel...
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I'm sorry you are in such pain and I do understand. You need to tell your husband. The other bs already knows so it is only a matter of time before your husband finds out. Start with a clean slate - honesty - give yourself time to grief, but try to focus on your marriage once again. No contact with om - he has made his choice.
Author Rollercoaster Rider Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 How's your marriage? I presume your husband doesn't know about the affair or how you feel... No...my husband has no idea. Early on, we went through a rough patch and we did MC. After that things were better, and I was able to juggle both relationships pretty well. Right now we are doing good. I'm trying to work on letting myself get closer to him..letting him back in. It is very hard grieving the end of one relationship, and trying to rebuild the other.
Author Rollercoaster Rider Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 I'm sorry you are in such pain and I do understand. You need to tell your husband. The other bs already knows so it is only a matter of time before your husband finds out. Start with a clean slate - honesty - give yourself time to grief, but try to focus on your marriage once again. No contact with om - he has made his choice. His BS found out in August 2012... she has never come after me or my BS. I can't tell my husband, it would destroy him, and the marriage. I know that may sound cowardly, but I am the one that messed up, and believe me I am definately paying for it. There have been times that I almost told him, but I back out. I am working on things with him... truth is we didn't have a bad marriage to begin with. We had minor issues...communication and some small stuff. Haven't talked to MOM ... 1 month today :-) :-) 2
MixedUpChick Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Stay strong & keep doing what you're doing, it sounds like your marriage is worth working on & saving. As your marriage gets stronger I can only assume you'll feel the pain of the lost relationship less & eventually it'll be a distant memory
Lady2163 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 It does sound like you are on your way to healing. I am an OW, so I am biased, but I am against telling your husband about the affair. I can't wrap my head around the idea that this is EVER a good thing, but many on here seem to advocate for it. Don't listen to anyone from online about doing or not doing it, no situation is cookie cutter, we only see a brief glimpse into your life. This would be something to discuss with your counselor so he/she can guide you through the various responses in person. Keep doing what you're doing and best of luck. I'm rooting for you - kind of oddly proud at your text to MOM, letting him think your husband knew. 2
scatterd Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 If you think about it you are probably seeing MM in the someway his wife has. He probably shut her out and pushed her away as he did you. It sounds like you shut your husband out also. Be thankful you are having this chance with your husband. We are all here to learn something this may be a lesson that brings you closer to your husband. Good Luck 2
Journee Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 It does sound like you are on your way to healing. I am an OW, so I am biased, but I am against telling your husband about the affair. I can't wrap my head around the idea that this is EVER a good thing, but many on here seem to advocate for it. Don't listen to anyone from online about doing or not doing it, no situation is cookie cutter, we only see a brief glimpse into your life. This would be something to discuss with your counselor so he/she can guide you through the various responses in person. Keep doing what you're doing and best of luck. I'm rooting for you - kind of oddly proud at your text to MOM, letting him think your husband knew. My thinking about telling the person being fooled and betrayed is let them make choices about their own lives. I think most people if on the receiving end of cheating would want to know for lots of reasons. Their own sexual and emotional health. Also if nothing is addressed who is to say that another affair may not be on the horizon? Especially considering that OP said there really wasn't anything much wrong with her marriage, yet she strayed anyway. 3.5 years is a long time in an A IMO and I am sure it is difficult to let go. Good for you OP in stopping the hurt. Have you thought about individual counseling? 2
Author Rollercoaster Rider Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 My thinking about telling the person being fooled and betrayed is let them make choices about their own lives. I think most people if on the receiving end of cheating would want to know for lots of reasons. Their own sexual and emotional health. Also if nothing is addressed who is to say that another affair may not be on the horizon? Especially considering that OP said there really wasn't anything much wrong with her marriage, yet she strayed anyway. 3.5 years is a long time in an A IMO and I am sure it is difficult to let go. Good for you OP in stopping the hurt. Have you thought about individual counseling? I am in therapy... once a week. It's been really helpful so far. I am going to ask my therapist her thoughts on coming clean with my husband. Most of my reasons for the affair were lack of attention and rejection. We have worked on that in MC earlier when the affair started. But even addressing those things, I still proceeded in the affair. I have zero desire to be with anyone else. I have learned my lesson and I am paying dearly for my actions. With that being said, I really cannot handle destroying my marriage. But, I will definately see what the therapist thinks. :-)
Scott Thomas Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I'll take this opportunity to express my sympathies. I've been in your situation and trust me, I wouldn't want to experience it again. The following few days will be difficult; stay strong and remember, we're here to help you. That being said, I am concerned about some if your statements: "I'm just glad I didn't ruin things at home" If you're implying that you've managed to trick your husband into thinking that you are a loyal wife then yes. However, if you were to include your marriage, wedding vows, loyalty towards your husband, then no, you've destroyed 'home'. "I can not handle destroying my marriage" It was destroyed the moment you hoped into bed with the OM. If by 'marriage' you mean the husband who acts as a dependent, though unfortunate, lifestyle provider, then that's still there. "I have zero desire to be with anyone else" Well that's pretty convenient. You just finished dating your AP. "Letting the OM know that your husband knows" The irony is, quite frankly, rather nauseating. "I have learnt my lesson and am paying dearly for it" Really? Have you lost your husband or the income he earns? Aah, I forgot, you've lost your AP. Quite the payment,wouldn't you say? Perhaps this is more terrible than getting stabbed in the back by your own spouse. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but I think you may want to think about these statements. On the other hand, three and a half years-That's a full blown relationship. As you've stated, you only had some minor communication and attention issues, which were being addressed in MC. However, this didn't stop the affair. What's going to stop you from cheating again? Counselling? Because you managed to deceive your way through that 3 years ago. Will something prevent you from restarting the affair if the OM establishes contact? As for your husband, is there any chance he could find out? What if he runs into your AP and the AP apologises? What if the other BS contacts him? I know two posters who discovered their wives' affairs more than 5 years after the A ended. They both divorced their spouses. Do you believe that your husband will be devastated if he finds out that you hid the affair from him and actively deceived him for years? Do you think he'll reconcile with you if this was the case? Wouldn't your reconciliation be set back by the number if years the affair was hidden? On a further note, don't you think your husband deserves an honest wife? Someone who cares for him and is true to her vows? Does he deserve getting betrayed? Do you honestly think that, in the long run, you're 'better' for him than say, any other woman he might date? Why do you feel that deceiving him, for your own selfish desires and to hide your betrayal, is a good idea? While you may have been a perfect wife before the A, all those good memories have been damaged by your actions. This is not a judgement on your personality, simply an introspective statement about the dilemmas you'll face. I'm not forcing you to adopt a particular course of actions; I had to grapple with these questions (in my case, wife) during my A. Good Luck. 2
Cocochai Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 It does sound like you are on your way to healing. I am an OW, so I am biased, but I am against telling your husband about the affair. I can't wrap my head around the idea that this is EVER a good thing, but many on here seem to advocate for it. Don't listen to anyone from online about doing or not doing it, no situation is cookie cutter, we only see a brief glimpse into your life. This would be something to discuss with your counselor so he/she can guide you through the various responses in person. Keep doing what you're doing and best of luck. I'm rooting for you - kind of oddly proud at your text to MOM, letting him think your husband knew. I am all for telling your wife/husband (Not the OW/OM telling) If it will help to stop having the A with other people. I just notice that if you talk about your infidelity and go through MC to work through this so the A doesn't happen again with the old AP or someone new. It just seems like knowing your spouse had an A could be an eye opener to what the BS plus, it gives them an opportunity to whether or not they want to fight for it.. Although, sometimes its just pure selfish and the fact that you can "get away" with it. but I believe it's something your not getting out of the M that your seeing with the OW/OM. But, if you can change without having to tell and work on your marriage then I hope it works out and you don't slide down that road again because, we all are a work in progress.
Scott Thomas Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) To summarise, if you had a ONS and there was absolutely no chance that your husband would find out then I'd understand the hesitation. However, you had a long affair and if there's even a slight chance that your husband may discover your affair, even years from now, then you need to take preemptive action and disclose the affair; at least this may make you appear somewhat honest/regretful. About your counsellor; contemporary opinion on issues like infidelity is divided. If you consult several counsellors, half of them might ask to you disclose the affair while the remaining would suggest that you hide it. Additionally, your counsellor may respond in his/her capacity as your personal therapist/helper whose main focus is on you instead of your marriage. I suggest that you seek an opinion from an experienced counsellor, someone who has dealt with infidelity and has a good success record. I found Dr John Grey particularly helpful. Edited January 12, 2014 by Scott Thomas
thummper Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I have to ask, since these situations are usually discovered one way or another, what do you think your husband's response will be? I don't like to cast aspersions on people, but you're far more concerned with missing the OM than you are about your husband. It definitely sounds like hubby is just your fall-back position. I wonder how he would react to the knowledge that he is just #2 man in your life, and if you could, you'd have chosen the OM. That being the case, I wonder if your "marriage" will survive. 3 1/2 years of an affair! I guess I don't know why you stayed married during that time. It sounds like your heart wasn't in it. I could be wrong, but I'm just going by what you've admitted. I hope things work out for you, but in all truthfulness, I pity your husband.
proseandpassion Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 like others have expressed, I think telling the BS is important because it gives them free will. Let them have a say in whether they want to stay in a marriage with a cheater. 1
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