waterwoman Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I always struggle with this time of year. The black dog who follows me turns from a little King Charles spaniel to a bull mastiff with slavering jaws and a bad attitude. Every New Year I just want to hibernate until the first day of spring. Add to that the situation with my friends who are dealing with a nasty messy dday and I am struggling again. I am questioning myself constantly. I have polished up my ego and have been doing really well at not letting H's affair define me. But boy it's hard at this time of the year.... Just some random musings and a brain dump to make me feel better. 1. How do you stop yourself feeling permanently tainted by your spouse's affair? When you gave yourself to them for so many years and did so much for them? My marriage was my emotional investment in the future. He had me all the years when I was young, energetic and (relatively) lovely. But when I got older and less so he found someone else. What a cliche, a cruel and callous cliche. And no, I didn't 'let myself go', I got older, I had 3 babies, I worked hard - it happens to all of us. 2. For those who advocate leaving after infidelity, even if you do leave a cheating spouse, how do you handle the fact that a great important big chunk of your life has been torn out and junked? 3. How do I stop blaming myself. My head might be on message, but that little voice inside says 'you did this wrong, you weren't that, you should have done the other'... Grrrr! But one good thing is that I can talk to H about all of this. Since my little epiphany a month or so ago when I felt so much better and more empowered, he has stopped being defensive. We can talk calmly. When he comforts and reassures me, he's doing it not because he is afraid I will fly off the handle or kick him out, but just because he loves me and needs me to know he values me and that we are going to be OK. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I always struggle with this time of year. The black dog who follows me turns from a little King Charles spaniel to a bull mastiff with slavering jaws and a bad attitude. Every New Year I just want to hibernate until the first day of spring. Add to that the situation with my friends who are dealing with a nasty messy dday and I am struggling again. I am questioning myself constantly. I have polished up my ego and have been doing really well at not letting H's affair define me. But boy it's hard at this time of the year.... Just some random musings and a brain dump to make me feel better. 1. How do you stop yourself feeling permanently tainted by your spouse's affair? When you gave yourself to them for so many years and did so much for them? My marriage was my emotional investment in the future. He had me all the years when I was young, energetic and (relatively) lovely. But when I got older and less so he found someone else. What a cliche, a cruel and callous cliche. And no, I didn't 'let myself go', I got older, I had 3 babies, I worked hard - it happens to all of us. 2. For those who advocate leaving after infidelity, even if you do leave a cheating spouse, how do you handle the fact that a great important big chunk of your life has been torn out and junked? 3. How do I stop blaming myself. My head might be on message, but that little voice inside says 'you did this wrong, you weren't that, you should have done the other'... Grrrr! But one good thing is that I can talk to H about all of this. Since my little epiphany a month or so ago when I felt so much better and more empowered, he has stopped being defensive. We can talk calmly. When he comforts and reassures me, he's doing it not because he is afraid I will fly off the handle or kick him out, but just because he loves me and needs me to know he values me and that we are going to be OK. I don't know exactly. But I feel the same way ((((Hugs)))) Maybe buy some nice soap for yourself and put toothpaste in his shoes one morning? It's passive-aggressive but so are affairs right? Just kidding.
rumbleseat Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I will tell you what I tell my daughter when her black dog is at her heels. The black dog lies to you and makes things look different than they really are. As for the rest of your post, that is something that can only come with time and telling hi how you feel. Acceptance of something in the past that you can not change, and deciding whether or not you will allow it to taint your future. Whether you stay or leave, it will still be there. Accepting that it happened and letting it go is really hard, but at some point, it has to happen. 1
Arieswoman Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Hi waterwoman, You asked, 2. For those who advocate leaving after infidelity, even if you do leave a cheating spouse, how do you handle the fact that a great important big chunk of your life has been torn out and junked? By being kind to yourself and trying to be the best person you can be. Surround yourself with supportive friends who will encourage you. Maybe get some counselling, develop new skills, get a better job. It is a sad fact that none of us can get back the time or energy we invested in a marriage only to have it destroyed because of another's selfishness and betrayal. So we must try not to waste any more time dwelling on things we cannot change. I don't believe anyone ever forgets a betrayal but time makes the memory fainter and eventually erases the hurt. 1
Recommended Posts