My recent breakup

[rooman]

I will keep this short, but my thoughts are all over the place so bare with me....

 

I have had few girlfriends in my life (being shy doesn't help), and recently I broke up with a woman I've been in love with for 6 months now. We've rarely had issues, only 1 real fight based on a misunderstanding which prompted my action to break things off before Xmas based on the fact that outside of our mutual love for one another, great sex, and similar senses of humour, we had nothing else in common.

 

We did not like the same styles of music, movies or TV shows. She likes to gamble, I do not. Our views on personal finance differ. I have career ambitions, she is happy where she is for the long haul. She has one teenaged child already and does not want another, I do not have kids but would like to be a dad one day. She isn't into any physical activities, but I am (skiing, multiday hikes, mountain biking, etc). I could go on, but you get my point.

 

Recently we discovered she likely obtained hsv2 some 10 years ago. She's never experienced an outbreak, and I am clean of it. I do not hold this against her, and I thought I could live with it but it has affected our sex life and from my own health stand point I dont have a desire to obtain hsv2. It is frustrating.

 

Lastly, there's an 11 year age gap between us. I am younger. This doesn't bother me so much, but she tells me occasionally she thinks I would wake up one day and realize just how much older she is. But all I see is a beautiful woman, who looks better than most women my own age (seriously, age is very kind to her - she's gorgeous). But she has mentioned this so many times now that maybe I've been thinking this subconsciously as well...*shrug*

 

Anyway - besides all of our differences, I still love this woman. I miss her but I've been reluctant to get back together. I'm not sure if I'm being silly, but my mind is telling me all of our differences will catch up later in life when the love fades and we're left just hanging out with no common interests, and my heart says that doesn't matter. All of my successful aunts and uncles have all said the key is to find someone who can be best friends with later on, and share interests.

 

I'm torn. If anyone can share their thoughts, I would appreciate hearing them.

 

Thank you

[BOREDouttaMymind]

its one of those things where the answer is so obvious, yet we don't want to admit it.

 

if you get sick, your body reacts to heal itself.

if you put your hand over a hot burner, your body instantly pulls away.

if you get a splinter, your hand jerks back, right?

 

your body knows how to protect itself. and what youre feeling is your body trying to protect itself. it sounds like you know subconsciously that the relationship wouldn't work long term, but you want to hold onto the good you had, the fun times.

 

you know she has a disease. im not saying its grounds to end it completely, but I do believe it is your body telling you to be careful. lets say you and she don't work out. yet you get her disease. now what?

 

are you comfortable telling your possible future wife that you haven't met yet that you got the disease from some woman you kind of knew wouldn't work out? ouchy. that could be a reality check for you.

 

follow your heart, if you pray, pray. wait for an answer. don't get yourself hurt because you want it to work. its not worth it.

[rooman]

its one of those things where the answer is so obvious, yet we don't want to admit it.

 

if you get sick, your body reacts to heal itself.

if you put your hand over a hot burner, your body instantly pulls away.

if you get a splinter, your hand jerks back, right?

 

your body knows how to protect itself. and what youre feeling is your body trying to protect itself. it sounds like you know subconsciously that the relationship wouldn't work long term, but you want to hold onto the good you had, the fun times.

 

you know she has a disease. im not saying its grounds to end it completely, but I do believe it is your body telling you to be careful. lets say you and she don't work out. yet you get her disease. now what?

 

are you comfortable telling your possible future wife that you haven't met yet that you got the disease from some woman you kind of knew wouldn't work out? ouchy. that could be a reality check for you.

 

follow your heart, if you pray, pray. wait for an answer. don't get yourself hurt because you want it to work. its not worth it.

 

Thank you for your insight.

 

A part of me reads your 'future wife' part and chuckles. There's that feeling that there may never be another partner, which makes a lot of people settle for what they feel is their last best hope. I've never wanted to settle, which is why I'm mid 30s and still haven't settled down. I've already accepted the fact I may be a bachelor for life, despite how many people say what a great catch I am.

 

The logical side of my brain says to seek out someone closer to my age and has a few similar interests. I'm not 100% ready to give up on having children, I was raised in a good family and would like to experience parenthood.

 

The disease side of things, is a tough thing to swallow. By protecting myself I can appear to be shallow and not loving her for her personality (which I do, but that defensive mechanism is in place). By accepting it and risking my health anyway it will consume my thoughts during intimacy, and always wondering if some change in my body is the early signs of an outbreak symptom. HSV is one of those diseases that can be passed on without any symptoms, so it's a crap shoot every time. Is it worth it? I would love to hear input from other people on here regarding this.

 

In a way I feel low that I can not so easily accept the hsv part, and yet anyone I ever ask about it as a hypothetical question, always responds with an incurable disease is a deal breaker. Personal safety is paramount they say, first and foremost, and that it's not selfish to want a long healthy life, body being a temple and all that... That said, I would never abandon my wife if she obtained a disease by accident (though via adultery would be something else entirely!)

 

But I still question should I agree with that, or not. I have a habit of over-thinking things, which has it's pros and cons. Pros being I rarely make big mistakes. Cons being I sometimes let great things pass by for being too safe....