Sleepyhead Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 After 8 months after BU and complete NC, I think I had a breakthrough. As I was falling asleep, I realized I didn't really miss my ex as a person. I realized I don't even know him anymore, we are utter strangers. I just miss our relationship and the dynamic of it. We got along really well and always had fun when we were together. Yeah, the next serious relationship won't have the exact same dynamic, but it could be just as good or better. That night I had a dream that we got back together (happens almost every night, unless I'm having terrible nightmares of him abandoning me in strange places) but this time I was UNHAPPY that we had gotten back together. I remember thinking in my dream, "Okay this is alright, but what if there's someone better for me?" Anyway. Do you think you're truly in love with your ex as a person, or are you just in love with the memories? The person that they used to represent to you-- perhaps a symbol of safety and security or empathy? Could it be that we are just pining over the idea of our ex and not the person that they are now.
Mel2011 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 For me, it is definitely the relationship I miss. I don't miss him, but I miss having someone special to share my life with. I am 12 months post breakup and I have spent that time working on myself. I don't feel I am ready to let someone into my life just yet, but I definitely miss the cuddles, deep conversations, forming a connection and overall just spending time with someone. I realised a long time ago that my ex is a d*ck, good riddance to him. (I was the dumpee by the way!)
r321148 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Anyway. Do you think you're truly in love with your ex as a person, or are you just in love with the memories? I'm not sure. Are these not one and the same? The happy memories were created as a result of the person they are. You had fun together and created those memories because of who they are and who you are and your connection together. Those memories weren't created with other people because they are unique to that person and could only have happened with them. ...That isn't to say though that different great memories can't be created with someone new. I remember thinking after my last breakup (after 5 years together) that I would never replace her and the connection and memories we had together. I was right and I never did...what did happen though was that I had a new relationship, with new memories and a new connection. It wasn't better or worse than the previous but it was different because she was a different person....we created our own unique memories together. Then that one ended too and I am in the same situation. I just hope I can find someone new who I can create some new memories with again now. So yes I love my ex and I love the memories. I have accepted it's over though. She will never contact me again. I still love her and miss her but I know I need to move on. Maybe there is someone better who will love me for me and not walk away as soon as a difficult situation arises. It sounds like you are moving in the right direction. Good luck, I hope things keep improving
2fargone Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I can honestly say I miss both. But I can love someone without being with them. For who they are, not for what they do or did. That's when I know it is or was 'real'. It doesn't mean we will or should have a future together. It's just the way it is. 2
im_thedude Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I miss being in a relationship - the closeness, the love, the attention. There is this void in my life that I desperately want to fill with another woman or maybe some other activity. Since my ex was what I knew so well over the course of three years, naturally images of her fill that void in the meantime. In essence, my mind is trying to fool me into missing her.
JDPT Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I miss the memories and moments, not her at all. It surprised me at times and asked myself countless times if I did love her. Truth is, I did love her, more than any other woman I have in this world. But what helped me initially was coming to terms with the fact that there was no turning back from this BU and that it was final.
HeartinPain Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I miss the relationship and who I thought he was. I am 4 month post BU. He left me for his coworker after 15 years together. I suspected something was up in the last month of our relationship. He is a stranger to me now. I think he struggles with his sense of self and has an intense urge to be liked by everyone. He is suddenly trying to be religious because the new gf is. He takes her out flaunting her around town when he never wanted to take me anywhere. Makes me sad. 1
iworthmore Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 there is nothing like missing the memories. like former answer said. we miss the person not the memories. those memories will always take us few steps back. when i think of my ex. oh god she was so toxic. she can cause cancer like nuclear radiation lol. manipulative, lying,selfish bitch. well i said the word. bitch. i never had a good memories with her. but i still love her so much. and asked such question in one of my former threads abt why i still love her instead of hating her to death and forgetting her. we need reason to hate ppl but no reason to love them. i have all the reason to hate her, no reason to love her and i still love her. ( how ****ed up lol) once we stop loving the ex. we might still remember the memories. they will flash back in our heads sometimes but they wont affect us at all. just few seconds and its gone. the time we stop loving our ex's ( at least myself) we will stop posting on LS. maybe only to answer and help others no more.
RightThere Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I miss the illusion of her. The person I was actually with and the person I thought she was were two totally different people. She may have been that person I thought she was once, but not anymore. And processing that difference makes it much easier to miss the illusion than the person. 1
polynomial Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I think I definitely just miss having a relationship. Because we had an on-off relationship and everytime we got back together I wasn't so sure about it, but went through anyway just for the sake of having someone.
freebird31 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Sometimes it's the memories I miss. The closeness, intimacy and chemistry we shared. But then other times I find myself missing him as a person. The quirky and funny comments he would make. Or just the certain things about him. But idk, I think more than anything I miss the chemistry we shared.
SameOldFear Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I think I miss the old him. Or the person I thought he was. The new is doing things I would never expect. Like drugs and moving in with his gf and failing classes. I wish I could go back in time and tell him what the future him is doing. I know he'd be so disappointed in himself.
FortunateSon Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I miss both, but I am starting to feel like I miss the familiarity and attachment of the relationship more than her. I am starting to feel like I don't "know" her anymore. I miss certain parts of her as an individual, but there are also things about her I never want to deal with again. I miss the "old" her or the illusion of her in my mind. I miss having the closeness, familiarity, and comfort of the relationship we shared, I hope to find that someday again. Is this a sign of healing?
sickoflove11 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I miss having someone committed to me. Someone who was always there to cuddle or just talk and laugh with. We got along so well and I just miss his presence around me. I do love the memories we shared and I'm probably more in love with what he used to represent to me than who he might be today. Obviously, who he is today doesn't love or care about me, so I need to get myself together and move on. It's time for me to put my own life together.
xXCountryXx Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I miss who she portrayed herself to be, then I wake up and remember what she is. So, I smile, then immediately frown and continue about my day.
RespectfullyAlone Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I went and got a massage yesterday as I've strained my leg muscles at the gym. The feeling of touch... wow it's been awhile. To have a woman's soft hands on your body only reminds me of my past loves. There's that saying that it's not what you do that matters, but who you do it with. Thus my memories are with my ex, and no one else. I miss her terribly. I miss our passion, the fun, her excitement, I miss many things about her. So I miss everything about her, from missing her, to missing our relationship, the intimacy, the feeling that finally I had found the right person for me. 1
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