How to deal with hurtful ignorance from a man?

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon, I can see your point, but I actually think a player likes to pull the wool over the eyes of somebody who hasn't caught on yet that he is a player. I think it's all a game for them. Most players I have met like being a player and getting away with being that way. What they hate is that little reputation that starts to get built up around them for treating women terribly, etc. Eventually things catch up with them. At that point either they move if their dating pool dries up or I've even seen a player reform. But meekly walking away from somebody that treated you bad, and thinking a silent treatment is going to do much, isn't that convincing to me. The silent treatment is what a player wants. They want to just run away scott free and move on to the next conquest. The problem is when the game starts getting too hard for them. So why make it easy on them to continue their behavior? A player has a chance of reforming, in my opinion, when the game starts to seem like a losing battle. That's when a player reforms, I think. I mean these are all just theories and of course there are exceptions to every rule and theory.

 

The only thing that's going to reform a player if he falls for a woman and she rejects him because he's a player. This is not going to happen here. The OP has absolutely no sway in his mind and anything she does is going to come off as feeble and petty to him. The only way karma will come back and bite the player is through another woman in time. It's a high risk-low reward scenario for the OP.

[forgetmenot75]

The only thing that's going to reform a player if he falls for a woman and she rejects him because he's a player. This is not going to happen here. The OP has absolutely no sway in his mind and anything she does is going to come off as feeble and petty to him. The only way karma will come back and bite the player is through another woman in time. It's a high risk-low reward scenario for the OP.

 

even that scenario is not real. the player will play hard until he gets what he wants.

[Simon Phoenix]

even that scenario is not real. the player will play hard until he gets what he wants.

 

That's not true. Players can reform when they find "the one". One of my good friends was a player -- dude had the life force. I saw him successful navigate two different women in the same bar that were in earshot of each other. That being said, once he met the one he really liked, he stopped all that. Now he's married with one kid and another on the way.

 

It's possible for a player to change, but the OP is not going to be the instrument for that change. And any attempt for her to try to "get the last word" will end badly for her.

[forgetmenot75]

Players can't change. The word "player" has some deep roots. your friend might be happy, but nothing will prevent him to cheat in the future.

 

I realized the guy I was seeing was also dating the "love of his life" while seeing me. plus he was online daily looking for more women. At the end, the old lady decided he was not the one and found another man and they're happy together. But , what I wanted to point out, is that the player was still looking for more even though he was sleeping with "the one".

players are players. Always. there might be some degree of players as well.

[Zahara]

This guy isn't just a player. There's the player and then there's the worst kind of slimey asswhole. And OP's guy is the bottom of the barrel creep that has no capacity to even have an inkling of knowing what is "the one" or be able to have any sort of depth when it comes to emotions or boundaries.

 

I'm not sure what kind of guy starts requesting for naked pictures and speaking vulgar even before you've met the woman. I'm not sure what kind of guy starts kissing a girl and starts to forcefully grope her crotch and breasts on their first meeting and then flips his penis out makes the OP touch it. I'm not sure what kind of man doesn't stop when a woman tells him to stop because she's not ready for sex and then keeps pushing and pushing until she gives in.

 

This one is a different type of animal.

Edited February 26, 2014 by Zahara

[pickflicker]

Players can't change. The word "player" has some deep roots. your friend might be happy, but nothing will prevent him to cheat in the future.

 

I realized the guy I was seeing was also dating the "love of his life" while seeing me. plus he was online daily looking for more women. At the end, the old lady decided he was not the one and found another man and they're happy together. But , what I wanted to point out, is that the player was still looking for more even though he was sleeping with "the one".

players are players. Always. there might be some degree of players as well.

 

Sleazebags can't change. Players can. There's a difference.

[Simon Phoenix]

Players can't change. The word "player" has some deep roots. your friend might be happy, but nothing will prevent him to cheat in the future.

 

I realized the guy I was seeing was also dating the "love of his life" while seeing me. plus he was online daily looking for more women. At the end, the old lady decided he was not the one and found another man and they're happy together. But , what I wanted to point out, is that the player was still looking for more even though he was sleeping with "the one".

players are players. Always. there might be some degree of players as well.

 

I think you are speaking more out of hurt and bias towards your own situation rather than rational fact.

[readynow]

Oh no Letitsnow, I can't believe you're still suffering from this

 

I told you something similar happened to me and I was totally over it in a few weeks. Not because I'm this heartless person, but because I accepted that I made a huge mistake and it was never meant to be. Also because the person I was crying over simply didn't deserve my pain. It's alright to have weeks upon weeks in sadness over a good relationship that ended. This wasn't that - this was a bad person taking advantage of your open heart.

 

I saw that you asked how old I was - I'm in my 30s - so even older than you. I never thought it could happen to me.

 

The only way to move on is to move on. He doesn't want you, never mind love you. He's not interested. Stop thinking of what could have happened or what you might have done wrong or if he has changed. He wanted only one thing - that's not your fault.

 

Just leave it to die. Delete him off all those places you 'sight' him. If you hear something on the news, don't contact him to find out anything. Say a prayer if you're that worried.

 

He's not worth your sadness, honestly.

[Letitsnow]

I am not proud of it at all. I thought I will be fine by now. I am tired of thinking of him. I don't wish to have him back in my life, I just wish I could tell something to him and move on.

I question why when people form some kind of relationship and then they cannot confront them? I feel like by not telling him anything I may seem like it is OK the way it all went. That I was OK with him using me for sex and just pretending it all.

I think I am already over that sex part - it was my mistake that I gave in and I cannot blame him for it.

What gets me though is what he was telling me this whole time. This future talk and pretending care for me. If he did not say any of it, I would feel better. But he did and I trusted him. If he said "hey, I don't like you anymore" i would take that as well. When I asked him if he is mad, he said " I promise I am not mad." Then, one month later I asked how he is. He replied well and then said "how are you babe?" A babe?

 

I want to let go but at the same time I still miss part of him and our talks we had for about 6 months. I know, childish. I wish I could get my answer without looking crazy.

[RedRobin]

Just caught up on the last page...

 

 

Players don't change. They just go dormant. Like a bad virus.

 

 

...usually to resurface when someone least expects it... not a good investment... not as a friend and certainly not as a partner.

 

 

This is not a good person, OP. Whatever you think you miss isn't 'him'. This part where he calls you 'babe'. THAT is 'him'. The earlier stuff was a façade. Not reality. You don't have to feel ashamed. He should.

Edited March 4, 2014 by RedRobin

[readynow]

Don't try to tell him anything. He KNOWS that what he did was not okay.

 

He said all those things to make you trust him not because there was any truth in it. You need to get over it now because he may come back to try again, seeing it worked so well the first time and you need to be ready to tell him to get lost.

[Zahara]

"I don't wish to have him back in my life, I just wish I could tell something to him and move on."

 

Answers are closure. You don't receive closure from someone that devalued you. You get your closure from YOU. You tell yourself to move on. You don't wait for him to tell you what you need to move on.

 

"I question why when people form some kind of relationship and then they cannot confront them?"

 

1) You didn't have a relationship, at least one that was based on care and empathy.

 

2) You can confront when the other person cares for your feelings, when they care for your needs and they want to give you closure.

 

You don't get answers from people that treat you disrespectfully. People that treat you badly do not validate you after they have invalidated you. If they had no concern for you then, they have no concern for you now. And they surely have no time to deal with your needs.

 

"That I was OK with him using me for sex and just pretending it all."

 

He used you and YOU allowed it. He isn't accountable anymore because when you went past date #1, you gave him full permission to keep using you. By doing that, you were telling him it was OK to use you because you had zero boundaries. That part was all you, OP. You don't get to cry injustice over that one and you don't get to now take it back.

 

Even if you did confront him, three things could happen.

 

1. He ignores you. You have given him another opportunity to diminish you.

 

2. He responds unkindly and that makes you feel even worse.

 

3. He responsed sweetly -- he ropes you back in and the cycle repeats itself. And yes, I call BS when you say you don't want him back because the moment he lavishes you with sweet words, you will be right back in his game. It's pretty obvious that after all this time you are still emotionally affected because I can't imagine pining for a pig for this long. You seek him because you want validation, not because you want answers.

 

You lack self-esteem and see very little value in yourself. It's time to go talk to a counselor to help you sort this out versus seeking out this man to "help you move forward." It's time you realize you DESERVE BETTER. And that you can and must move forward on your own.

 

Seek empowerment within yourself. Stop depending on this man to pull you out of your own fog.

 

One way of moving forward from this is taking full responsibility for the things you did that allowed YOU to be in such a situation. You are no victim. And if you accept that and stop seeking him out to right the wrongs, you will be able to forgive yourself, accept that you f'd up and move forward.

 

PS: All the shytt he did to you, and you miss his talks? Any trained monkey can have talks with you. My god, focus on what he did to you, how he broke every boundary, how he disrespected you, how he used you. You've set the bar so low for yourself, OP. It's very sad.

Edited March 4, 2014 by Zahara

[Hopeful30]

How to DEAL with hurtful ignorance?

 

Hunny, no one should have to DEAL with that. No one should even remain in a relationship where it's present.

 

You're telling us you're hurt and upset, and asking us how to DEAL with it. Which is another way of saying "tell me how to stay in an unhappy relationship and be okay with it".

 

I'm sorry but I can't give advice here. I never remain in relationships that hurt or upset me.

[Letitsnow]

I love your post!

I know you are right...I am not victim, I did this to myself. Just like you said before - there should not be date#2. I went back bc I felt bad about him groping me and myself letting that happened. I blamed myself and our "dirty" talk for his behavior. I thought - "he can't be like that..." I took it as my fault and wanted to give it another chance. It is so shallow that I excused it just bc he was very handsome. It is all wrong. Really. I did not want to tell him he hurt me and be dramatic about it. I guess I just wanted confirmation that everything he said was just a lie. But, no matter what he would say, it was my stupid decision.

I just have days when he crosses my mind and that's when it hurts.

Btw, I am in therapy and I was before. Low self-esteem is story of my life. It is better than it was before, but I still have a long way to go.

 

 

"I don't wish to have him back in my life, I just wish I could tell something to him and move on."

 

Answers are closure. You don't receive closure from someone that devalued you. You get your closure from YOU. You tell yourself to move on. You don't wait for him to tell you what you need to move on.

 

"I question why when people form some kind of relationship and then they cannot confront them?"

 

1) You didn't have a relationship, at least one that was based on care and empathy.

 

2) You can confront when the other person cares for your feelings, when they care for your needs and they want to give you closure.

 

You don't get answers from people that treat you disrespectfully. People that treat you badly do not validate you after they have invalidated you. If they had no concern for you then, they have no concern for you now. And they surely have no time to deal with your needs.

 

"That I was OK with him using me for sex and just pretending it all."

 

He used you and YOU allowed it. He isn't accountable anymore because when you went past date #1, you gave him full permission to keep using you. By doing that, you were telling him it was OK to use you because you had zero boundaries. That part was all you, OP. You don't get to cry injustice over that one and you don't get to now take it back.

 

Even if you did confront him, three things could happen.

 

1. He ignores you. You have given him another opportunity to diminish you.

 

2. He responds unkindly and that makes you feel even worse.

 

3. He responsed sweetly -- he ropes you back in and the cycle repeats itself. And yes, I call BS when you say you don't want him back because the moment he lavishes you with sweet words, you will be right back in his game. It's pretty obvious that after all this time you are still emotionally affected because I can't imagine pining for a pig for this long. You seek him because you want validation, not because you want answers.

 

You lack self-esteem and see very little value in yourself. It's time to go talk to a counselor to help you sort this out versus seeking out this man to "help you move forward." It's time you realize you DESERVE BETTER. And that you can and must move forward on your own.

 

Seek empowerment within yourself. Stop depending on this man to pull you out of your own fog.

 

One way of moving forward from this is taking full responsibility for the things you did that allowed YOU to be in such a situation. You are no victim. And if you accept that and stop seeking him out to right the wrongs, you will be able to forgive yourself, accept that you f'd up and move forward.

 

PS: All the shytt he did to you, and you miss his talks? Any trained monkey can have talks with you. My god, focus on what he did to you, how he broke every boundary, how he disrespected you, how he used you. You've set the bar so low for yourself, OP. It's very sad.