Shashasha Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 It sounds as if the guy just wants sex and will say whatever will get him that. I know you want to believe his nice words but the commonly used phrase about men saying 'sweet nothings' has a basis. This is the kind of manipulation that players use, flattery, sounding affectionate, and talking about the future. It's all sweet but there's nothing in it. He probably won't invest in you if he thinks you are backing out of the sex. What a cheek asking for a blow job because you didn't want sex with him! All along you have said he pressured you. A decent guy wouldn't pressure you. He certainly wouldn't slap you in fun. You don't have to put up with that. Yes, you will lose him if you stand up for yourself and expect to be treated well and not to be pressured into sex, but you have lost the worst kind of guy. If you respect yourself and your needs for love, care and respect, and make it clear to guys that you will settle for nothing less, you will be surprised how many show interest in you. A guy also wants a woman he knows he must respect. Creeps are just creeps and not worth your time - seriously. Love this!!!
Author Letitsnow Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 I don't like my thoughts tonight. I did pretty good through the day; found some articles about narcissism and it fit to him quite well. But now, I am having those ridiculous what if questions. What if he was really good guy and I misread him? What if he really meant t 'I think I am falling in love with you' text and I hurt him by not saying much about it? What if I unintentionally rejected him too many times for him to think I really like him? I know I had my walls up bc my gut feeling did not trust everything. I am so confused right now. And I miss him in some way. However, I did not write him and it's almost 3 weeks now. It hurts to do so but I am proud of it as well.
Aquanut Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Why so many threads with women pining for lying manipulative jerks obviously just out for a piece of ass? But I really liked him? Why isn't he calling now that I gave it to him? What did I do wrong? I knew him so well after just a few dates and he seemed so nice... As long as women behave like this there will be a ready supply of jerks lining up to take advantage of them. Sex is awesome but it does not get you a relationship. It gets you ****ed. If you want to be ****ed then go ahead. You might enjoy it! But do it because you want sex. Not because you expect to get a relationship from it. Sex does not equal a relationship. The two are independent. You can have sex without a relationship. You can also have a relationship without sex, as I'm sure many married people can attest ;-) 1
Iguanna Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 (edited) Sex does not equal a relationship. The two are independent. You can have sex without a relationship. This is what destroyed the men and women relationships. This is what allows men to act like jerks. Cause they can get what they want without giving anything back. As long as women give men sex easily and without commitments, the jerk catalogue will never end. Edited January 15, 2014 by Iguanna
Aquanut Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 This is what destroyed the men and women relationships. This is what allows men to act like jerks. Cause they can get what they want without giving anything back. As long as women give men sex easily and without commitments, the jerk catalogue will never end. I understand the feeling but consider the extreme cases on each end... Imagine a world where everyone had sex on the first date without commitments. These jerks wouldn't lie to get it. In a world with only casual sex there would be no players. Now imagine a world with no sex before a public commitment such as a betrothal. Jerks would make false commitments of marriage to get what they want. In a world with no casual sex there would still be players but they would have to promise more to get it and do it publicly. The real issue is that women expect something in return for sex but don't demand payment up front. They often don't even tell the guy what their expectations are. Then they get angry when they aren't met. This is passive aggressive behavior and clearly the woman's fault. However, if they make their expectations known, players then give them false hope that they will receive what they want in exchange for sex. It's a classic con game. Build up someone's expectations and then rip them off. It's clearly the man's fault. The only two ways to completely avoid players is to either give it away free without expectations or demand payment in full of what you expect up front. If there must be an exchange I prefer a world where women are assertive and say what they want and then get to know the guy well enough to trust that he will give it. The absolute best way IMHO is what happened between me and my fiancée. We told each other we were open to having a relationship if one developed between us but we would take it day by day and not try to force something. Our only commitment was honesty. And either of us could pull the plug for any reason at any time without having to explain ourselves. In that emotional backdrop we had sex early in our dating because we wanted each other badly. We had mutual friends already and had met a few times in social settings before we dated so the trust came quickly. The only thing having sex did was show us we really liked having sex together. It didn't change our day to day commitment/outlook. A few months later I realized I was in love with her and I told her. She said she felt it too but she wanted to be absolutely sure of herself before she said it. Some weeks go by and she asked me why I loved her. I explained as best I could and then she told me she loved me too. We didn't rush out and change our silly FB relationship status but we did put up a profile pic of us both. Our friends joked that it was about time we came out of the closet.
Iguanna Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 The absolute best way IMHO is what happened between me and my fiancée. We told each other we were open to having a relationship if one developed between us but we would take it day by day and not try to force something. Our only commitment was honesty. And either of us could pull the plug for any reason at any time without having to explain ourselves. In that emotional backdrop we had sex early in our dating because we wanted each other badly. We had mutual friends already and had met a few times in social settings before we dated so the trust came quickly. The only thing having sex did was show us we really liked having sex together. It didn't change our day to day commitment/outlook. A few months later I realized I was in love with her and I told her. She said she felt it too but she wanted to be absolutely sure of herself before she said it. Some weeks go by and she asked me why I loved her. I explained as best I could and then she told me she loved me too. We didn't rush out and change our silly FB relationship status but we did put up a profile pic of us both. Our friends joked that it was about time we came out of the closet. Your story had a happy ending that satisfied both parties equally - if we take for granted that men want (mostly) sex and women want (mostly) commitment. If one of you had left the relationship without explanations, as you stated, then the other one would be unhappy by this. In the case that your fiance had left you before having sex, you would feel unhappy cause you ended up not winning what you wanted, and in the case you left your fiance after having sex, she would feel she ended up not winning what she wanted. The best way is honesty at all times, state what you want from day 1 and, if the other part agrees with you, act as it goes. Learn to read the signs. Things that seem wrong at the start are possibly wrong. If something seems weird, it's because it is weird. Don't be scared to discuss about these things and keep your goal on the table, do not change it cause he is cute or he has promised things he has not yet done. The men who will leave cause they are tired of waiting or cause they see that their manipulative ways don't make you change your mind over what you want just make you a great favor: they reveal how much of jerks they are and set you free to find someone better.
spiderowl Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 (edited) Some girls can be really funny sometimes. They will date the d-bag just because he makes them "feel romantic". Oh, well. I'm sure he loves you. I'm sure he wants to marry you and have kids with you and picket fence house in the suburbs. Lol. Keep telling yourself that while he f**ks the guts out of those other girls he has on Facebook. Lol. Talk about delusional.... Actually, many women are entirely genuine and think that guys are the same, until they fall foul of the 'player' and then they learn a hard and painful lesson. A woman should be proud of her integrity and resolve to learn to recognise these creeps in future. Instead of scoffing at how naive some women are, guys might do better to take to task these players, because they cause women to become less trusting of all guys, including the genuine ones. Edited January 15, 2014 by spiderowl 1
Author Letitsnow Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 How come that NC sucks some days more than others? I am trying my best not to contact him. I actually did once when I was worried about him being deployed overseas and heard about some accident on the news. He replied and asked "how are you babe?" Then I asked something else, he replied again and I simply said something that did not ask for an answer. Since that day, nothing. It still hurts to think how nice some moments with him were, but what hurts more is a thought of what was real and what was not for him. I wish it never happened. Some days I feel like writing him - that's when I feel weak and cry. I have a very hard times to let go. When I hear stuff about army on tv, when I see men in uniforms, when I hear same last name or name - everything reminds me of him. It sucks and I am tired of it.
pickflicker Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Why can't we be honest with our feelings when someone hurt us? Why people look at it as something weak, desperate? Because this isn't Hollywood. This is real life. In real life, you can tell people that have wronged you how you feel about them, but they won't care. They probably won't change. They'll probably just move on, and do what they're doing with someone else. The best revenge is to walk away, and not say anything. Believe me, it will leave them with far more questions than answers. You should not contact him anymore. The sooner you get into the NC frame of mind, the easier break ups will become.
pickflicker Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 This is what destroyed the men and women relationships. This is what allows men to act like jerks. Cause they can get what they want without giving anything back. As long as women give men sex easily and without commitments, the jerk catalogue will never end. There was never a time that this didn't exist. It has ALWAYS been the way. The only difference between now, and then, is that we're a lot more open about it.
Author Letitsnow Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) It simply sucks how I feel lately. I let myself believe his sweet words, ignored all red flags and my gut feeling. Pretty much I deserved being used by him. But I hoped he was who he pretended to be. And ridiculous thing is - I still believe he is a good guy. Why???!!! He pressured me for sex, playfully "slapped" my face, lied about wanting a future with me and when he did not get "it" again, he disappeared. We are still friends on Facebook and that's what makes it hard. I wonder why he did not unfriend me right after he stopped contact with me with no explanation just by saying "I promise I am not mad". And I still wonder...why. I was thinking about sending him Fb message and ask if it was all just a game for him. I keep thinking about it each time I see him online. I keep myself from sending it but I am afraid I might lose it and tell him what I think. Tell him why he has to lie about everything in order to make me like him. I would rather take blunt " I only want sex" than his sugarcoated words full of hope. Did any one of you ever confront a player about being played? I don't want him back, I know I would get hurt more but why to be quiet and let him think it is ok to think that hearts belong to playground??? Edited February 26, 2014 by Letitsnow
OpheliaSong Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 He won't care. You are expending too much energy on this guy. You will do better next time.. Red flags are your friend. 3
Sandy99 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) If your goal in life is to *try* to make the world a better place, then confront. But if you start a whole dialogue with him about your past together, it's probably going to get ugly. If you want to just heal yourself and move on, just try to forget about it. Something you could do is email him an article on something like.."signs you're dating a womanizer." Maybe write something subtle with it like "this might interest you." Then unfriend him on Facebook. Edited February 26, 2014 by Sandy99
Simon Phoenix Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 If your goals in life is to *try* to make the world a better place, then confront. But if you start a whole dialogue with him about your past together, it's probably going to get ugly. If you want to just heal yourself and move on, just try to forget about it. Something you could do is email him an article on something like.."signs you're dating a womanizer." Maybe write something subtle with it like "this might interest you." Then unfriend him on Facebook. This will do absolutely nothing. He doesn't care now and won't care after she does this. If anything, he'll get justification from it and feel as if he did the right thing because he would think of the OP as "crazy". This is a lose-lose idea -- the OP will hope for a reaction and will be disappointed when it doesn't come. As for the OP, he didn't block you on Facebook because he doesn't care enough to do so. He's not angry at you, he's not hurt by you, he doesn't feel resentful toward you, he doesn't feel regretful of what he did to you. He's completely indifferent -- you were just another checkmark on his list. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but to point you away from him. Do not confront him. He's not going to see the error of his ways. He'll either just ignore it or laugh at it. Chalk this up as a lesson learned and move on. And block him on Facebook immediately. 3
guest572 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Hey, no one deserves to be used! Everything is clear now but when you're in the relationship its easy to be blinded and ignore these red flags. Don't let this idiot stop you from trusting people in the future. If you really have something to say and you think it will help you, say it and then block him so you don't get a response.
Sandy99 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Simon Phoenix, from your point of view it sounds like you are saying then that everyone just stays the same from birth to death. Nobody every changes and one can't grow or evolve at all? I certainly know that I've seen the light once or twice in my life when a person has been honest with me. Sometimes people are in denial about what they are doing wrong. If this guy cared about the OP at all, it's not going to feel good to get an email like that. And he might even learn from it. You never know.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Simon Phoenix, from your point of view it sounds like you are saying then that everyone just stays the same from birth to death. Nobody every changes and one can't grow or evolve at all? I certainly know that I've seen the light once or twice in my life when a person has been honest with me. Sometimes people are in denial about what they are doing wrong. If this guy cared about the OP at all, it's not going to feel good to get an email like that. And he might even learn from it. You never know. Sure, people can change, but it usually has to come from within. A passive-aggressive message or a call-out based primarily on wounded feelings won't do the trick. The odds of him regretting his actions, while small, are much greater if she takes the silent, dignified approach of blocking/deleting him from Facebook instead of trying to get in the muck with him. The only people that might be able to elicit any sort of internal thinking from a heart-to-heart are people whom he holds dear (family members, best friends). The OP is neither -- unfortunately she was a short-term plaything for this guy. Nothing she says will matter at all.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Also, you have to remember that part of being a "player" is disarming people who accuse you of being a player. I could see this guy twisting her mind into a pretzel -- it's obvious that she's still into him despite this and probably would get easily distracted by any charming misdirection he tried. Even if she did go off on him she'd feel bad, apologize to him and put herself further in a hole. She already said in the OP that she still thinks he's a good guy -- it would take little effort for him to fend off her anger.
Sandy99 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Simon, I can see your point, but I actually think a player likes to pull the wool over the eyes of somebody who hasn't caught on yet that he is a player. I think it's all a game for them. Most players I have met like being a player and getting away with being that way. What they hate is that little reputation that starts to get built up around them for treating women terribly, etc. Eventually things catch up with them. At that point either they move if their dating pool dries up or I've even seen a player reform. But meekly walking away from somebody that treated you bad, and thinking a silent treatment is going to do much, isn't that convincing to me. The silent treatment is what a player wants. They want to just run away scott free and move on to the next conquest. The problem is when the game starts getting too hard for them. So why make it easy on them to continue their behavior? A player has a chance of reforming, in my opinion, when the game starts to seem like a losing battle. That's when a player reforms, I think. I mean these are all just theories and of course there are exceptions to every rule and theory.
mantlefan Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 It simply sucks how I feel lately. I let myself believe his sweet words, ignored all red flags and my gut feeling. Pretty much I deserved being used by him. But I hoped he was who he pretended to be. And ridiculous thing is - I still believe he is a good guy. Why???!!! He pressured me for sex, playfully "slapped" my face, lied about wanting a future with me and when he did not get "it" again, he disappeared. We are still friends on Facebook and that's what makes it hard. I wonder why he did not unfriend me right after he stopped contact with me with no explanation just by saying "I promise I am not mad". And I still wonder...why. I was thinking about sending him Fb message and ask if it was all just a game for him. I keep thinking about it each time I see him online. I keep myself from sending it but I am afraid I might lose it and tell him what I think. Tell him why he has to lie about everything in order to make me like him. I would rather take blunt " I only want sex" than his sugarcoated words full of hope. Did any one of you ever confront a player about being played? I don't want him back, I know I would get hurt more but why to be quiet and let him think it is ok to think that hearts belong to playground??? For me, once I found out that my ex broke up with me for my friend, and both of them lied about it for 5 months, and she (ex) said she still cared about me and might want to get back together for the first two months, when 2 weeks after the BU she was calling this guy up, I am not sure if I had heard of NC at the point, but me just being me, I think I would have anyways sent the letter I did, basically calling out her lies and saying that they don't necessarily make her a bad person (her big fear), but what she did was wrong, and if she tells herself that all the lies were for ME and not HERSELF, she is lying to herself as well. That was 2 months ago, and all my contact with her since has been in regards to the nonprofit we work for. Now, with a little perspective, a LOT less anger, a little less infatuation, and a little less missing her in my arms, I have come to realize that all the lies, manipulation, and using me, she didn't do it to hurt me, she did it to get what she wanted. She was selfish, not malicious. I 100% believe what she did was wrong, but even if would be useful to making me stop loving her, it would also be wrong to think that she was out to get me.
Zahara Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/452474-how-deal-hurtful-ignorance-man You received tons of great advice in the thread you created above, as well as the other threads before that. At this point OP, you do not get to play victim anymore. You know who he is, what he is and the advice given to you on that last thread, spoke clearly as to why it would never be in your benefit to confront this guy. You still have a man that disrespected and treated you appallingly on FB as a friend, and you question why he isn't unfriending you? People that manipulate and use others for their benefit don't eliminate people that they believe at some point may be able to be of use to them again. Another thing, they don't really give two shytts about whether you're a friend on FB or not because they don't care. You're just some person on a friend list. I bet he has other women on there who are doing the same thing you're doing. "Oh but I'm still on his friends list so I must mean something to him!" No. You're someone he probably keeps ties open with so that he can revisit you whenever he feels he can get something from you. Don't project your emotions on him. His actions showed you everthing you needed to know as to why he was with you in the first place. A friends list doesn't mean squat -- pay attention to how he treated you. Please. At this point I am not sure why you're still checking up on him on FB when you should have deleted him and moved on with your life. NC isn't NC if you're still monitoring him on FB. At this point you are your own worst enemy. You will never get over this if you keep up with this self-destructive and self-sabotaging behavior. It's sad to see you keep doing this to yourself. PS: And yes, I have confronted a player/cheater and taking responsibility for their actions is alien to them. Why? It's because they lack a conscience and believe that they are entitled to do whatever it is they need to do to fulfill their needs and wants. If you confront him, he's going to roll his eyes and go about his day like nothing ever happened. And while he's enjoying life, you're still scurrying around FB pondering on a friends list, feeling like complete shytt over a douchebag. Edited February 26, 2014 by Zahara 3
Sandy99 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Zahara: It's not clear to me why you are getting angry with the OP. Maybe I missed something, but she went on six dates with this guy and they had sex and then he never called her again. She has every right to be upset. I am sure they didn't go on six dates in a row, one day after the other, it was probably over the course of a month or could even have been once a week for six weeks. That's a lot of time, and then this guy just disappeared. I think she has no reason to feel bad about herself nor should she not think this guy is a huge ass. OP: Definitely unfriend him, at a minimum because he's obviously a major womanizer and he'll just keep adding more and more women and it's probably going to drive you crazy. But I doubt that Facebook is much of a friend to the womanizer. It helped you realize what a dog he is and it's probably working the same magic for other people. Guys like him are awful and big manipulators. Forget about him. Confront him if it will make you feel better.
Zahara Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) Zahara: It's not clear to me why you are getting angry with the OP. Maybe I missed something, but she went on six dates with this guy and they had sex and then he never called her again. She has every right to be upset. I am sure they didn't go on six dates in a row, one day after the other, it was probably over the course of a month or could even have been once a week for six weeks. That's a lot of time, and then this guy just disappeared. I think she has no reason to feel bad about herself nor should she not think this guy is a huge ass. . I would suggest you read through all her threads thoroughly, if you have not been following her history before you jump. You may have missed quite a few key points that may be contributing to my toughness with the OP. Angry??? I'm not angry but being hard on her for valid reasons. And if you don't like my tone or what I have to say, it's fine as the advice isn't for you. Edited February 26, 2014 by Zahara 1
forgetmenot75 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Do not ask him anything, do not contact him or confronting him. simon is right, he hasn't blocked you because he doesn't care enough or, I'd add, because he wants to have the doors open in case, and just in case, you go back to him. why would he block you? He has no attachments, you are only one more girl in his facebook friend's list. I know how it hurts. but you've probably used him as well. think of that. What desire he fulfilled? I'm dealing with healing from a toxic relationship as well. He is a player as well, and maybe a narcissist, who knows, I don't care anymore. I haven't blocked him this time because I want to get to that point in which I really don't care enough to do so. Even though he's not blocked, I don't see him, nor see what he's doing. It's not that difficult, you just forget that person is there. I feel sad and miserable because this relationship has drained, but I won't let him know this. I won't let him know how he's hurt me. He doesn't care, and it'll make him feel more important. Just forget about the loser, don't try to find answers, some people is shi.tty and that's all. Let them continue with their shi.tty lives.
Recommended Posts