How to deal with hurtful ignorance from a man?

[Letitsnow]

Thank you all! I actually read a lot about men who just disappear. I am not first nor last but it hurts anyway. I feel like I need closure. But my problem is - while I don't want him back - I feel like I want to apologize for my own behavior. And tell him that just because someone hurt him in the past, does not mean everyone wants to hurt him in future. I guess, I am still in denial about this whole thing. I keep looking up excuses for him and now blaming his behavior on maybe someone who hurt him so he is the way he is now because he is afraid to get hurt or rejected. How crazy is this??? Why am I doing it? Why can't I simply call him "jerk" and be done with that?

Bad thing is, I want to believe so much that he was who he pretend to be...That he is better than some mind player.

[MissBee]

Why can't we be honest with our feelings when someone hurt us? Why people look at it as something weak, desperate?

If you share special moments with someone and you open your heart to them just to get it broke, why can't you tell them without being labeled crazy or fool?

Why those people who ignores us without any explanation are better? Why do we have to torture ourselves with our thoughts and blame, what if's and thousand questions about "what did I do wrong"?

Since when honesty is not recommended? Why telling him how I see it is bad idea? If he can share my body fluids with me, why can't he get piece of my mind as well?

 

If someone told me I hurt them in any way - I would never look at them as weak. I would be glad they told me so I can see my actions, learn from them and become a better person.

 

Why playing with someone's minds is something they can get away with and once we want to say things aloud, that's suddenly wrong?

They can play us, promise blue out of the sky, look into our eyes and talk how they want to be with us. They tell us about their life, ask about ours. And when everything seems just fine, they disappear.

 

If they are not decent enough to say something, anything...Why can't we? Why do I have to suffer in silence and make him think it's OK and he never hurt any part of me?

 

I don't think it's about silence being better or that you shouldn't be honest. If someone is willing to have an open conversation, by all means. If they are ignoring you and running away from your attempts to tell them how you feel then it is pointless to chase after them. They KNOW what they did wrong hence they're running away. You can't force them to listen, so it suits you better to leave them to their own devises.

 

I would say that maybe you can send ONE message about your feelings and leave it at that. But don't send multiple ones esp when this person is ignoring you or asks you to stop. It is definitely terrible on this other person to ignore you and to have you resorting to that, but you can't control them so all you can do is to try to preserve your dignity by looking at their behavior for what it is and not try to squeeze compassion from them. If they wanted to respond and be compassionate they would have been, so if they aren't don't waste your energy on trying to get them to see your POV.

[Letitsnow]

I'm not even sure how this got past date #1. It's a clear indication that you have no boundaries and will almost let a man do whatever he wants because you need to be validated and accepted. I think this a harsh lesson for you in that you need to figure out why you accept being treated disrespectfully, even when your brain is screaming against it.

 

Yes, men will pretend and do what's called future faking to get sex or whatever it is they want. It's their way of fast forwarding things so that they get to the sex faster. Women tend to go lalaland when a man brings up the future, marriage, white picket fence and before you know it they're believing it's knight in shining armor and they soon succumb.

 

When he realized sex wasn't going to be so easily available to him, he knew it was going to take effort to get you there and effort is not in his game.

 

Letitsnow, you really need to set boundaries for yourself. Pulling out his penis, groping you and slapping you on the face, forcing you to send naked pictures -- things you do not and must not tolerate. Why you tolerated -- is something you have to figure out. You would completely deny yourself any self-respect to make a man love/want/like/accept you. Why?

 

PS: Don't believe everything a man tells you. Watch his actions. If they do not correlate with what he says, red flag. If he starts spouting off declarations about the future soon into the dating process, red flag. Charm is great, but be cautious because charm is their way of roping you in.

 

Stay away from this man.

 

I know many of you asked how come this got pass date #1 when he groped and pulled his ... out. Well, it was because I blamed myself for it. When we talked online, we talked about sex as well. He wrote what he would do with me and I replied. It was nothing dirty in my case, because I was all about "love making" instead of pure sex.

After all what happened, I took my responsibility bc maybe he thought I wanted it too that way. Or I mislead him somehow. At the same time, he was talking about marrying me one day and I did not take it seriously.

 

After that first time, I really hoped he was different. That he was better and maybe I was just too sensitive. I keep blaming myself over and over again.

He is a soldier and somewhere in my mind I had this fixed idea of soldiers being honest people because hey are "heroes". And that did not help much with seeing all red flags.

I always said to myself... He can't be like this. He has to be better. I wanted to believe his words and him being real. That there is some genuine soul behind that nice face.

[MissBee]

Thank you all! I actually read a lot about men who just disappear. I am not first nor last but it hurts anyway. I feel like I need closure. But my problem is - while I don't want him back - I feel like I want to apologize for my own behavior. And tell him that just because someone hurt him in the past, does not mean everyone wants to hurt him in future. I guess, I am still in denial about this whole thing. I keep looking up excuses for him and now blaming his behavior on maybe someone who hurt him so he is the way he is now because he is afraid to get hurt or rejected. How crazy is this??? Why am I doing it? Why can't I simply call him "jerk" and be done with that?

Bad thing is, I want to believe so much that he was who he pretend to be...That he is better than some mind player.

 

Ughh...based on what people have said he's done. HE should be apologizing to you, not the other way around. Please do not apologize to HIM for treating you poorly. That is insane! And sadly, I have done it once before when my self-esteem was less in tact and now I can see how very very foolish and crazy it was.

 

It doesn't matter who hurt him. You didn't. So no need to apologize on their behalf. Also, your apology will not be embraced or appreciated by him either. I think you really should focus on yourself and why indeed is it that you want his validation.

[Shashasha]

I cnt help but shake my head reading this post. I feel so sorey for you that you gave in to him so easily - take it as a blessing he has left and please dont contact him again. He wants nothing but sex. You are hurt now, but you will be hurting even more if you continue any of this.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Yes he lied to you to get into your pants, yes he didn't mean it...has it ever occurred to you that he does with everyone?

 

I mean how are we figuring this out in 2014 people? we should all know men lie and say things they don't mean to get in a woman's pants...or they very well can at the least...what is so surprising about this? how do you ignore his behavior and then somehow magically expect a different result? because you "wanted to believe"? this isn't Disneyland, this is real life where every woman on the planet should be aware that guys like this lurk around just about every corner...they're not looking for anything "serious" and they pretty much show in you that in every way....but i know what a miraculous discover, right up there with a fossilized T-Rex.

 

It's normal that you're ignorant, far too trusting and way too emotionally attached to a guy who's basically fed you a few basic lies then essentially gropes you like a "working girl" in a brothel...I know that must be hurtful to imagine and hope that he actually said what he meant..but he doesn't, he just wants the sex and many guys will say and do anything just to get it...they want to lock you in with their words so they can get you in the right head space and then you'll open your legs thinking this will lead to some magical relationship or some crap...you've got to learn and recognize the behavior of men or you'll end up just another broken hearted girl listening to Adele in her room with tears running down her face.

 

There's also a lot of women that don't know how to say no, and won't say no because they "fear losing the guy"...I mean really? this is what you are scared of losing? a guy just after your vagina? oh I'm sorry he said he wanted more, how could I forget, after all you've shared so many special moments together and been together so long, how could it not be true!

 

You've got to learn to listen to your gut and defend yourself and just not essentially sell yourself out so that a guy can stick his peter in you and you think well "maybe he'll love me now"....don't be ridiculous, if a guy is really interested in you and wants to be with you he will treat you with respect...he might not be the most word-crafty, charming and swooning gorgeous man you ever saw but at least he'll mean what he says and not treat like just a good time. A lot of guys develop those skills in order to get in your pants...they learn to be good with words so that you won't pay attention to what's actually going on since your head is in make-believe land.

 

I know it was "special" to you, but it wasn't special to him...but realize you can't give that away to a guy like this if you think it's special, you have to make sure that the guy recognizes that and respects you for it...not just insists and bullies you into taking it, because for this guy it's just another warm vagina that he hasn't hit yet...he's already adding girls on FB and seeing what next weekend could bring, the behavior is all over and yet you refused to listen...you've got to be smarter than that even though you want this guy to like you, that's what every girl is basically trying to do at the same time...they're all trying to "catch" their favorite guy of the month...and for a lot of these girls, putting out is like part of the process to win that big lotto but they're giving it out a lot more than you are and are less affected by it...some of them are used to guys just going in and out and they like it...makes em feel special and desired for some ridiculous reason.

 

But anyway, just disconnect from this and swallow your pride...you learned the way many do, the hard way...you feel for the charm, the looks, the pressure and gave in...nothing new, and will be going on likely until the end of mankind...so just really try to learn from it and move on, go no-contact and just put yourself back together...the only thing that's going to happen is he's going to string you along at this point and yo-yo you around...it's typical and done by semi to good looking men with a spit of charm all over the planet.

[readynow]

Gosh, I've been in something similar lately and I know exactly how you feel - wanting to talk to him, to explain myself, to ask why, to say this and that. I still can't wrap my head round that bad side - it seems just an illusion.

 

However I'm old and experienced enough to know that it is never going to make a difference to what he really is. If I (or you) got it all wrong, he would come to you begging for his terrible behaviour to you even throw in his difficult past, and how he needs time to think blah blah. Then you can say, aw, poor you, take all the time you want - I don't want to carry on with you anyway.

 

I know it's easier said. Plus you may think the folk on here really don't seem to understand when talking about what HE did to you - when to you, it probably doesn't seem that bad. But that objective overview of things is what makes it great advice.

 

Whatever you do, don't contact him - read the NC threads for inspiration. Sooner than later, you'll start to see things more clearly and you'll thank your lucky stars you never said anything to him.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm not sure how old are you OP but I made mistakes like this in my early 20s. At that age it's pretty common. If you are older and have made mistakes like this in the past, then you have to look at how your own behavior and thought patterns are contributing to the problem.

[GemmaUK]

I know many of you asked how come this got pass date #1 when he groped and pulled his ... out. Well, it was because I blamed myself for it. When we talked online, we talked about sex as well. He wrote what he would do with me and I replied. It was nothing dirty in my case, because I was all about "love making" instead of pure sex.

After all what happened, I took my responsibility bc maybe he thought I wanted it too that way. Or I mislead him somehow. At the same time, he was talking about marrying me one day and I did not take it seriously.

 

After that first time, I really hoped he was different. That he was better and maybe I was just too sensitive. I keep blaming myself over and over again.

He is a soldier and somewhere in my mind I had this fixed idea of soldiers being honest people because hey are "heroes". And that did not help much with seeing all red flags.

I always said to myself... He can't be like this. He has to be better. I wanted to believe his words and him being real. That there is some genuine soul behind that nice face.

 

Chatting online about sex is still no excuse for him to behave as he did.

 

It is a subject best avoided though if you are looking for something more than just sex. Men see sex chat as a green light.

I avoid it. If they try it more than once I don't reply to them again.

If they try it just once then any respect I might have had for them diminishes to be honest anyway.

 

Disgusting behaviour such as his should never be ignored nor made an excuse for.

[Letitsnow]

You thougth that he will be honest because he is a soldier?

are you for real? Or is this a joke?

If its real you need special help because you clearly

dont know how to choosr and based on what.

And naive is to ligth of a term in this case.

 

Yes, I honestly thought so! And I am naive. I was with same man for 14 years. I have no experience when it comes to dating, so yes, low self-esteem and no idea how it is now in dating world can make someone look ridiculous. I learned my lesson though. And thank you for your advice.

[Mimsicles]

Having just been through a very similar situation, I have to admit that NEVER hearing from this guy again will be a blessing.

 

Yes it hurts that you've been used for sex and I understand how you feel.

 

In my experience he probably will contact you again when he's bored or has nothing to do, as this is whats happening in my situation. By not replying to setting yourself free from this loser.

 

Start seeing other people and you will realise he isn't worth the upset.

[ThatMan]

Yes, I honestly thought so! And I am naive. I was with same man for 14 years. I have no experience when it comes to dating, so yes, low self-esteem and no idea how it is now in dating world can make someone look ridiculous. I learned my lesson though. And thank you for your advice.

Wait...

 

What lesson did you learn exactly?

Please explain because this is very important.

[Letitsnow]

Wait...

 

What lesson did you learn exactly?

Please explain because this is very important.

 

Well, so far I learn that - I cannot trust someone's words without proving them in actions. Pushing for sex - not OK. If he says " I will tear off your pants" he means it more than 10x said " I miss you".

When he says " I think I am falling in love you" actually does not mean he is falling far you - it is not possible that soon.

BS like "I miss you", " want to be with you", " hope to marry you one day" before you two even met is just what it is - BS.

 

Also, when your gut feeling and 20 other people who think rationally tell you - he is only after one thing - you should listen to them. They can see clearly when you don't, no matter how seductive and pretty his eye are. No matter how innocent he looks.

 

I did not because I hoped he is better than that. I made so many excuses for his behavior thanks to my emotions and because I was so "starved" for love. I choose to believe his words instead of his actions and that makes me responsible for my own pain. I hope I will get over it soon, even though it is not that easy. I think I am still stuck in denial about him by blaming myself for everything plus his ignorance.

 

I have to work on myself, my self-worth.

 

I still think about writing him one day just to thank him for valuable lesson and that his game with me is actually over. Just to let him know that I knew after all. And instead of him, I was honest with him.

Sounds ridiculous, I guess.

[Letitsnow]

Gosh, I've been in something similar lately and I know exactly how you feel - wanting to talk to him, to explain myself, to ask why, to say this and that. I still can't wrap my head round that bad side - it seems just an illusion.

 

However I'm old and experienced enough to know that it is never going to make a difference to what he really is. If I (or you) got it all wrong, he would come to you begging for his terrible behaviour to you even throw in his difficult past, and how he needs time to think blah blah. Then you can say, aw, poor you, take all the time you want - I don't want to carry on with you anyway.

 

I know it's easier said. Plus you may think the folk on here really don't seem to understand when talking about what HE did to you - when to you, it probably doesn't seem that bad. But that objective overview of things is what makes it great advice.

 

Whatever you do, don't contact him - read the NC threads for inspiration. Sooner than later, you'll start to see things more clearly and you'll thank your lucky stars you never said anything to him.

 

Thank you...How did you get over it? How long did it take you? I may be older than you, just inexperienced. I am close to 30. Shame, shame.

[Pastel]

I like to give them a piece of my mind, although I know it will make them disappear forever because they can't handle the truth. It's almost worthless though, because when you confront the person he/she just lies or purposely says things to hurt you instead of acting rationally. I do find myself bargaining with them sometimes, but then I come to my senses and go NC after I get everything off of my chest.

 

As long as you think it will help you, do it. Just don't expect the reaction you were hoping for, because you won't get it from them.

[GemmaUK]

Well, so far I learn that - I cannot trust someone's words without proving them in actions. Pushing for sex - not OK. If he says " I will tear off your pants" he means it more than 10x said " I miss you".

When he says " I think I am falling in love you" actually does not mean he is falling far you - it is not possible that soon.

BS like "I miss you", " want to be with you", " hope to marry you one day" before you two even met is just what it is - BS.

 

Also, when your gut feeling and 20 other people who think rationally tell you - he is only after one thing - you should listen to them. They can see clearly when you don't, no matter how seductive and pretty his eye are. No matter how innocent he looks.

 

I did not because I hoped he is better than that. I made so many excuses for his behavior thanks to my emotions and because I was so "starved" for love. I choose to believe his words instead of his actions and that makes me responsible for my own pain. I hope I will get over it soon, even though it is not that easy. I think I am still stuck in denial about him by blaming myself for everything plus his ignorance.

 

I have to work on myself, my self-worth.

 

I still think about writing him one day just to thank him for valuable lesson and that his game with me is actually over. Just to let him know that I knew after all. And instead of him, I was honest with him.

Sounds ridiculous, I guess.

 

I was just gonna send you a quick mail before I get off to work but I can't mail you.

 

Don't send him a letter.

Don't blame yourself for all of this.

Mail me if you are able to and I will mail you tonight.

[Iguanna]

Every woman has to go through this jerk-situation once in her life only to have this experience and know better the next time someone starts saying big words on the first dates. Also, it is what I had said about trying to find the perfect man on the first dates and not forgive any flaw he presents. You had many flaws presented - imagine how many were hidden. When you see a flaw on the first dates you have to be happy cause you have just saved yourself from a jerk. Run. And then run some more. You are a serious girl who wants to find the right guy and fall in love. He was not for you. Learn to avoid the red flags, even if it means you reject 100 guys a year. The 101st will may be the one you seek. Good luck girl. Hugs.

[Els]

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

 

Don't even bother dealing with this...

[RedRobin]

The biggest reason not to contact him or express your feelings about it is, like another person posted... a 'reward' for guys like this.

 

 

There is a saying... love me or hate me, just don't ignore me.

 

 

By saying anything to him, you are giving him attention. He gets a sick ego stroke from knowing he affected you. And affected you deeply.

 

 

He won't use that information to better himself. He may even use that information to improve his 'game' and hurt others. Yes, there ARE some very sick people out there. I'm sorry you ran across one.

 

 

Look at it this way... if it wasn't you, it would be someone else. People like him are very skilled at finding people to use and abuse. Be thankful it stopped at 5 dates and he is not continuing. Consider it a gift.

[georgieg]

I definitely think in the OP's case that going NC is the best idea, but I wanted to offer my story for those in less extreme circumstances.

 

I'd been talking to a guy for a couple weeks, when I found out that one night when he and I were hanging out he was simultaneously drunk texting one of my best friends (she was frantically texting me but I didn't respond to her until after he left). I confronted him via text immediately, but kind of brushed it off other than saying it wasn't cool since she had a boyfriend. He dropped off the face of the earth for a week after this (I checked with a mutual friend who'd also been unable to reach him), and when he finally resurfaced he didn't bring up what had happened. During his week-long hiatus I had sent a message basically telling him that I hoped we could still be friends despite what had happened, and I definitely got the friend vibe after that.

 

Fast forward a couple more weeks, with me suppressing the fact that he'd actually really hurt my feelings, and I sorta snapped and left a mean comment his FB status (so not like me, honestly the first time I've ever done that). I messaged him and apologized, and then straight up told him that he'd hurt me. I figured I wouldn't hear back, and that would be it, but at least I could stop making myself miserable hiding my feelings.

 

The next day, he apologized and admitted he has a drinking problem (duh, already figured that one out). He could barely remember anything from that night after we all left the bar and was ashamed of what he'd sent my friend. I don't think he thought it would do much good, but it made me feel way better. And I told him that. I also told him that I meant what I said about liking him and wanting to get to know him better and see if it leads to anything. Which he responded to with one of those big goofy FB messenger sticker smiley faces (which I've figured out he only does when he's really excited about something).

 

So he and I are back to talking. From what I can tell he's been trying not to drink, which is great. I think it's something he can get control of. It's not an immediate deal breaker for me, though it could be down the line.

 

Moral of the story: being vulnerable and telling someone when they've hurt you is not necessarily a bad thing.

[Zahara]

I still think about writing him one day just to thank him for valuable lesson and that his game with me is actually over. Just to let him know that I knew after all. And instead of him, I was honest with him.

Sounds ridiculous, I guess.

 

Please don't do this. It is, ridicilous. People that manipulate and use others for their own gain don't give two shytts about lessons, feelings and revelations of those that they have mishandled. He'll read your letter, roll his eyes and move on to his next victim. All he'll do is realize that he's exhausted his benefits with you and that he has to move on to the next. He's not going to sit there and ponder, reflect and feel bad for his actions. Infact, it'll be an ego boost.

 

The lesson you learned, keep it for and to yourself and for your future. There is no need to invest anymore of your valuable time on scum.

[Zahara]

I feel like I want to apologize for my own behavior. And tell him that just because someone hurt him in the past, does not mean everyone wants to hurt him in future..

 

DO NOT APOLOGIZE. The man is going to sit there and go, "I treated her like trash and SHE'S apologizing!" If anything you'll only be showing him how affected you are by him. He may even use it to rope you back in again. You didn't do anything wrong to him. What you did wrong to YOURSELF was to deny YOU every possible boundary when it came to him disrespecting you.

 

As I said in my other response to you, people like this do not care about apologies, feelings and the hurt they cause towards others. Their drive is to manipulate to get what they want. Go back and read your initial thread. The one that needs to apologize is him, but that will never come.

 

Stop doing this to yourself.

[acrosstheuniverse]

His silence IS the answer saying he's not interested. With my last breakup I used to agonize over what my ex was feeling, thinking, was he not reaching out for this reason, that reason? Was he crying himself to sleep?

 

He wasn't texting or calling. And I told him the only time I wanted to hear from him was if he messed up and wanted to beg to sort things out. I never heard from him.

 

One day a week after he broke up with me I realised that if he wanted me, I'd know about it. He'd be telling me. So I deleted his number and vanished from his life. People who treat you like this guy is treating you don't deserve anything from you. I'm sorry he made you feel so terrible and that you had sex with him, but you need to work on your self-esteem so that in future when you're not ready, you say no!

 

He will bring you nothing but pain. Be glad he's outta your life, salvage your dignity, block all contact and move on. Good luck.

[Letitsnow]

I was just gonna send you a quick mail before I get off to work but I can't mail you.

 

Don't send him a letter.g

Don't blame yourself for all of this.

Mail me if you are able to and I will mail you tonight.

 

GemmaUK, I would mail you but I don't see any option like that on my page. I guess I would have to get paid subscription first. Or is there any other way?

[spiderowl]

It sounds as if the guy just wants sex and will say whatever will get him that. I know you want to believe his nice words but the commonly used phrase about men saying 'sweet nothings' has a basis. This is the kind of manipulation that players use, flattery, sounding affectionate, and talking about the future. It's all sweet but there's nothing in it.

 

He probably won't invest in you if he thinks you are backing out of the sex. What a cheek asking for a blow job because you didn't want sex with him! All along you have said he pressured you. A decent guy wouldn't pressure you. He certainly wouldn't slap you in fun. You don't have to put up with that.

 

Yes, you will lose him if you stand up for yourself and expect to be treated well and not to be pressured into sex, but you have lost the worst kind of guy. If you respect yourself and your needs for love, care and respect, and make it clear to guys that you will settle for nothing less, you will be surprised how many show interest in you. A guy also wants a woman he knows he must respect. Creeps are just creeps and not worth your time - seriously.

Edited January 15, 2014 by spiderowl