Last night I came to the realization...

[PS.chicago]

.. that i'm far from being over her. I went out for NYE with a small group of my closest friends to a dive-y bar in the city. The crowd was fun, the drinks were cheap, there was live music, and we had plenty of room to move around and enjoy ourselves. Great right? It was at first.

 

Earlier in the week I had the notion to greet my ex HNY. She broke things off about 3 months ago and dated just as long. It was a LDR (Chicago/Ohio). I'll admit we moved fast and I became emotionally attached to her. We were also physically intimate after the first month. I had high hopes for us besides the distance and age difference - she 25, me 34.

 

I was pretty upset the night she called to b/u with me. It was amicable but extremely harsh for me. We never made any form of contact since but remained Facebook friends. Her page still has stuff I posted on her wall and a picture of us on one of our dates in Ohio. I frequently receive 'likes' from her almost every time I post something.

 

Back to last night..

 

I was having a great time but in the back of my mind was when I planned to greet her. My decision was to send her a short FB chat with a sticker...and I followed through. As I was typing it, my app notified my that she was typing back at the same moment. She also replied with something short and sweet with a smiley face.

 

Then it hit me. An emotional flood of Biblical proportion came over me. It was such a long time since we had any form of conversation between us. I remember looking at the chat several times and only for a split second I felt relief. Relief that she didn't ignore me. That was a risk I had thought about long and hard about before. Shortly after, I felt unbearable sadness. I walked away to the nearest empty dark place and started sobbing uncontrollably : ( I didn't expect I would react that way. The hurt was one I will NEVER forget.

 

I know that my grieving period over her is disproportionate to the amount of time were together. I still think about her every day. I've read article after article about coping strategies and how to deal with loss internally. I'm working out again and trying to be as socially active as possible. I've also been lurking on LS for quite some time - 95% of it on B/U, reconciliation, and coping. I've seen one counselor a few times and switching to another on Monday. Everything is helping but in such small increments. I'm just afraid that I'll be stuck in this mindset for a long time to come.

 

Thanks for reading. I hope everyone has an incredible 2014.

[PS.chicago]

I presume most people from the outside would downplay the significance of my relationship with her, which is understandable. Especially since most of what I see discussed here are LTR's. But I feel like I'm a pretty level headed person and I definitely felt something real with her. We put each other in our future plans and I really put myself out there. She was my world for a short period of time.

 

I'm also pretty inexperienced with serious RS's. I've dated many but all were short and casual in comparison. I never want to just settle being with someone. Maybe I'm just naive about love in general. I need to learn from this so I can be better for the next one. I guess I have to be more cautious when opening up to females.

 

end of rant...

[ayudorama]

I'm sorry about your pain. It's the sort of pain I can relate to, unfortunately.

 

 

I'm god-knows-how-many months post-BU (more than 9 months at least) and yet I can honestly confess that if I were to suddenly be reminded of things of him, even the slightest bit - like that one time I saw pictures of his cousin's wedding on my instagram feed (my ex's cousin is close friends with my friends) and my whole day was ruined because I was left feeling like moot. Little silly triggers has the ability to break that dam of memories I have left to quietly sit in a corner of my mind.

 

 

He was my first love, at age 28 no less.

 

 

I honestly don't see a time when I won't feel that pang in a corner of my heart whenever I am reminded of him. Many years down the line when and if I ever cross paths with him, that pain will readily emerge. Compounded by the fact that he lives 3 minutes away from me and I can practically SEE his house from my place, doesn't really help.

 

 

God has been kind to me in that we hadn't had to face each other, just yet. But hey, we broken-hearted souls take each day one breath at a time

 

 

I hope 2014 has been treating you kindly so far. We're here for you if you need a listening ear. Remember, one day at a time. We have to keep moving forward.

[LostConfused123]

I'm sorry you're hurting so bad.

Like you, my relationship was quite brief. Probably the shortest one for me ever. We met, instantly clickedon every lelevel, got along great, totally attracted to each other. . . well, you get the point.

 

I couldn't understand why I was so heartbroken but I really don't think the amount of time matters when we are the dumpee. Rejection HURTS!!! Oh God, does it hurt!!

 

I read several posts here about when a brief relationship ends and why it hurts so badly. I learned when we are in the falling in love stages, our brains are being pumped with that feel good chemical (I forget what it's called) Anyway, it's literally like a drug. We are so high one day and then when we are "let go" we are still craving that chemical.

 

To have them suddenly yanked out of our lives shakes us to the core!!!

 

I completely understand and I'm so sorry!!

Are you planning on NC? It's hard as hell but I think it will help.

 

((Hugs!!)) Best of luck to you!

[PS.chicago]

Thank you. I appreciate the words of encouragment from you both! Also thanks for sharing your similar stories/situations.

 

Ayudorama - I'm glad you we're able to actually fall in love w/someone, even if it was later in your life. Know that it is something you're capable of doing again. Some people have never or never will, sadly. I'm in that boat, for now at least. I'm not sure if I was beginning to fall for my ex. I'm sorry that you (and I) feel the pain from so readily under the surface after so long. Even the slightest reminder like seeing the type of car she drives on the road or watching a commercial of one of her favorite tv shows triggers my sadness.

 

LostConfused123 - I believe the chemical you are referring to is Dopamine. Also, I've really considered going complete NC in the past couple weeks. I'm trying to wean myself off of looking at her FB, but it's waaay more difficult than I thought it would be. It is hard as hell!

 

I have a few articles I found online that has helped me over the past couple months. Hopefully these will help whoever is reading this as well...

 

A short but good article about STR's: Getting Over a Short Term Relationship with High Expectations

 

One from Baggage Reclaim, good stuff:

Getting Over Them After a Breakup: When we wonder how long it will take to get over them or why we?re not over them yet | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

A great guide I found from someone here on LS: Breakup Recovery Guide

Edited January 3, 2014 by PS.chicago

[LostConfused123]

Hardcore NC is really hard but it has helped me so much.

I'm at about 10 weeks and it is getting easier.

 

Hopefully you can go NC too. . . I'm only saying that because I want you to get out this pain asap!!

 

good luck to you and thank you so much for posting those articles. . very helpful!!!

[ponchsox]

I'm three months post breakup from a 1 1/2 year relationship and while I'm by no means past her, I wouldn't be where I'm at today if I didn't remain NC.

[ayudorama]

Thank you. I appreciate the words of encouragment from you both! Also thanks for sharing your similar stories/situations.

 

Ayudorama - I'm glad you we're able to actually fall in love w/someone, even if it was later in your life. Know that it is something you're capable of doing again. Some people have never or never will, sadly. I'm in that boat, for now at least. I'm not sure if I was beginning to fall for my ex. I'm sorry that you (and I) feel the pain from so readily under the surface after so long. Even the slightest reminder like seeing the type of car she drives on the road or watching a commercial of one of her favorite tv shows triggers my sadness.

 

Thank you, too, for your kind words of encouragement, and the links to the articles. I'll be reading them!

 

I'm trying to be hopeful, and walking that slow painful road to recovery. I do believe that it is possible to love again, just not now, or anytime too soon. I need to heal alone. I do wonder however, if one ever truly heals from such a traumatising incident. I loved deeply, I probably still will in the future, and that itself may work for or against me. The latter, this time, as I am left to pick up the pieces.

 

But please take comfort in that you're not alone. Perhaps we're just a little sensitised right now, even little triggers have that sort of effect over us. It's funny how I too react that same way when I see the same brand of car and model on the streets. My heart recedes into my stomach. Such pain. Ugh.

 

The worst thing is that some days I feel I may never completely get over this man. Enough, to love again. Too much history together and all that.

 

I do recommend strict NC however. From my own not so stellar record at staying NC post-BU has taught me that any sort of information I get about him from anywhere, no matter how small a nugget of information will get overplayed in my mind.

 

Say, my ex added a girl on facebook. I'd be wondering how he got to know someone like her, why he'd suddenly be approving female friend requests when he didn't use to in the past, why she liked his profile picture and so on.

 

The lesser we know, the kinder we'd be to ourselves, really.

 

Please don't put yourself through such a torment. Resist, desist - do whatever it takes to disappear from our ex-es life completely. It took me months to realise this, and when I did, I blocked him from facebook, got my siblings to remove him as well, removed a few friends from instagram, and removed notifs from those same friends (his cousin's close friends) from facebook. I realize I was having trouble coping, with offline triggers, so why make things more complex with online triggers too.

 

Now whenever I get curious, I get on my feet and occupy myself. It's not worth the pain of knowing.

 

I really hope both of us will somehow get through this. Don't worry at all about the length of time it takes for you to recover. It differs for everyone. I was 'officially' with my ex for 14 months and it's close to 10 months now post BU and I know I am nowhere moved on yet. It's going to take a really long time. But we still have to move on, because life doesn't stop.

[PS.chicago]

It really is comforting to know that we can rely on others, even complete strangers for support and kind words when we hurt SO bad. I'm glad I joined this forum.

 

I want to make an honest effort to be NC from now on. But social media throws a wrench in that plan. I appreciate all the advice about going strict NC by blocking/un-friending/deleting. But there are ways around it in my case. If I block her it won't be much different than if we remained friends because her profile is public. I can type her name on the search bar and boom, she's there.

 

Maintaining NC in my perspective will only be effective when it comes within. Specifically finding closure within. I haven't found that yet. My answer may be through extreme self discipline alone. I had enough discipline to lose 110lbs a decade ago so I should be able to stay away from her page right? Inner strength… that's my only hope.

 

 

Hardcore NC is really hard but it has helped me so much.

I'm at about 10 weeks and it is getting easier.

 

Hopefully you can go NC too. . . I'm only saying that because I want you to get out this pain asap!!

 

good luck to you and thank you so much for posting those articles. . very helpful!!!

 

You're welcome! Anything I can do to help a fellow dumpee helps me feel better too. I can tell you are a good person and it was completely his loss. I read your story. You took the high road. Believe it.

 

Thank you, too, for your kind words of encouragement, and the links to the articles. I'll be reading them!

 

I'm trying to be hopeful, and walking that slow painful road to recovery. I do believe that it is possible to love again, just not now, or anytime too soon. I need to heal alone. I do wonder however, if one ever truly heals from such a traumatising incident. I loved deeply, I probably still will in the future, and that itself may work for or against me. The latter, this time, as I am left to pick up the pieces.

 

But please take comfort in that you're not alone. Perhaps we're just a little sensitised right now, even little triggers have that sort of effect over us. It's funny how I too react that same way when I see the same brand of car and model on the streets. My heart recedes into my stomach. Such pain. Ugh.

 

The worst thing is that some days I feel I may never completely get over this man. Enough, to love again. Too much history together and all that.

 

I do recommend strict NC however. From my own not so stellar record at staying NC post-BU has taught me that any sort of information I get about him from anywhere, no matter how small a nugget of information will get overplayed in my mind.

 

Say, my ex added a girl on facebook. I'd be wondering how he got to know someone like her, why he'd suddenly be approving female friend requests when he didn't use to in the past, why she liked his profile picture and so on.

 

The lesser we know, the kinder we'd be to ourselves, really.

 

Please don't put yourself through such a torment. Resist, desist - do whatever it takes to disappear from our ex-es life completely. It took me months to realise this, and when I did, I blocked him from facebook, got my siblings to remove him as well, removed a few friends from instagram, and removed notifs from those same friends (his cousin's close friends) from facebook. I realize I was having trouble coping, with offline triggers, so why make things more complex with online triggers too.

 

Now whenever I get curious, I get on my feet and occupy myself. It's not worth the pain of knowing.

 

I really hope both of us will somehow get through this. Don't worry at all about the length of time it takes for you to recover. It differs for everyone. I was 'officially' with my ex for 14 months and it's close to 10 months now post BU and I know I am nowhere moved on yet. It's going to take a really long time. But we still have to move on, because life doesn't stop.

 

Like you, the looming thought that I may never completely get over her is there. And it scares the s**t out of me. I don't want to live the rest of my days like that.

 

The Baggage Reclaim article has a part in the middle about habitual thinking/talking about our ex's which is worth paying attention to. I read it multiple times. It's ok to take our times in grieving and not be ashamed if we still are. But at some point we have get fed up being so affected and move on!