wellthissucks Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 My STBXH and I split 2 months ago, in part due to me being fed up with being the only one paying the bills for 7 years. When he left, I told him I would keep paying for his cell phone and car insurance for a while until he had a chance to get settled since he has no job and no easy access to money. I would like to stop paying for these things as it is several hundred dollars a month but since we are trying to do this as nicely as possible, I want to be fair. I know he has not found a job yet (and have heard through the grapevine that after two interviews/rejections, he stopped looking - which is typical behavior from him) so I know that when I stop paying for these things he will not be able to afford them, leaving him without a phone or insurance on his car. How long is fair to keep paying for these things? In an ideal world, I would pay through February for a total of 4 months but knowing that he will lose both things when I stop (and thus further hindering his job search) is making me hesitant. 1
OpheliaSong Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 It was fair the moment you signed the dotted line for the divorce. You aren't responsible for him anymore. You are divorced so he has to figure out his own stuff now. He can do it if you let him.
d0nnivain Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Since you are trying to be fair, give him at least one month's notice. February seems like a good time to stop but communicate your intent to stop in a variety of ways so he can't complain he didn't know. Tell him, text him, e-mail him, & send him snail mail. 2
george roy Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Since you are trying to be fair, give him at least one month's notice. February seems like a good time to stop but communicate your intent to stop in a variety of ways so he can't complain he didn't know. Tell him, text him, e-mail him, & send him snail mail. +1 And should it ever come up (I don't know that it would), any reasonable person will look at your month's notice and not see a problem with that. Short version of my story: STBXW and I have a joint card. Whenever I'd ask for money (to pay the CC bils), she'd give it to me, normally the next day. And we pay the card(s) in full every month. And she also used to give me money towards her credit card bills. Last month, I tell STBXW I need money for the joint card. She says, "I don't think any of that is mine". Ok then. The statements for her cards came, after she was served. And she hasn't given me any money towards them, after repeated requests. So I've (just) sent in the minimum. Hey, I had to pay off the joint card. I've got limited funds now. She should consider herself lucky I sent even the minimum in. And I'm now using a card that's strictly mine. If it ever comes up that "he never paid this or this", well, you (her) didn't give me money to pay them, either. I did send in the minimum, though. And as much as I'd like to say, "Pay your own f***in' bills", it looks better for me in the long run. I think one month is completely fair. IMO, the key to your situation is sticking to whatever deadline you give. It sucks to have to pay his bill for another month, but I think it will look better for you in the long run, provided you put him on notice. Email, text, anything that can provide proof that you've put him on point. Then "she never told me" doesn't work. 1
RightThere Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Agree on the one month notice. I've had to do the same thing with my STBXW. I pay a ton of her bills and have started telling her which ones I will no longer be paying. You'll get the song and dance about how it's not fair, how they can't afford it, but I kept firm saying it's not fair for me to pay it anymore. 1
carhill Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 As it appears you are separated, apparently non-legally, and have yet to divorce legally, one aspect I would consider is, as relevant, if he's making any payments on joint debt and, additionally, what your joint debt matrix is. IMO, just to be unambiguous and safe, give written notice with proof of notice delivery. You'll be doing a fair amount of that during the divorce anyway, depending upon specifics, so might as well get started early. Given the items involved, 30 day notice, as suggested by others, is reasonable. 2
littlejaz Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Also, check the divorce laws in your state. In my state once I filed for divorce I could not cancel his car insurance or his cell phone without the court's permission. Not sure what the ramifications are for not doing what you are supposed to as so far there don't seem to be any consequences for him not following the rules set out in the divorce petition. 1
Arieswoman Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) I am inclined to agree with keepon truckin' - stop paying them now. However, if you want to keep the moral high ground then you need to put him on notice. You have already said that he isn't exactly breaking into a sweat looking for work, so let him stew in his own juice. He isn't a child, you don't have to support him. Let him lose his 'phone and his car insurance and then he might be motivated to get off his butt and find a job. In the meantime, keep records of everything you have paid as the court will want evidence of this when you come to divorce. I am not sure as to whether you have started divorce proceedings yet, but if so you might like to double-check things with your solicitor/attorney. Edited January 2, 2014 by Arieswoman 1
GuyInLimbo Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Give him 30 days. And then STOP ENABLING HIM.
Author wellthissucks Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 We are in CA and were married less than 5 years, have no kids or mutual property so my understanding is that we can do a summary dissolution, which I guess is just us writing up how we're splitting everything and then submitting it for approval so I don't think there will be a lot of court hearings. I haven't started the process yet, I was waiting until after the holidays - so I will soon. He is not paying for any joint debts, nor do we really have any. All the credit cards are in my name, although he has agreed to give me a chunk of money when he gets access to some inheritance money he has in a trust to help me pay those down, but who knows when that will be. I think 4 months is fair so I will let him know that he will need to figure out either how to pay or get a new cheaper phone as of March.
GuyInLimbo Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 4 months??? Wow. He's got a nice gig going. 2
RedHawk08 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 He should be glad of a warning! Many of us never got that. (I did get one, but at the worst possible time) Mine lost some respect for me as she was often helping me out for the last year we were together. Well, guess who has come to her rescue several times im the first few months of our separation. One time preventing her from being in court.
carhill Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) If CA is California, then welcome My advice would be uncontested with MSA. Check with the court to see if there's self-help/mediation available through their various programs. If he's an authorized signer on any of your credit cards, make a record of that and remove him. That will sanitize the account and also provide evidence that he could/did use the cards for himself, validating the settlement path you are seeking, with him offering a chunk of separate funds to offset your debt. You may be able to negotiate/receive offsets for any expenses incurred on his behalf *after* filing but paying his bills *before* filing is a marital act, as all income and debt occurring during the M is marital, save for some specific exceptions, one example potentially being his inheritance, had it been/if it is received while married. Having gone through the process in Cali, I'll repeat my prior advice about constructive notice. As car insurance is paid in advance, if you pay it, he'll have, essentially, 45-60 days to come up with the next payment, due to grace periods relevant to most insurance policies. Cell phone is no biggie; people run in arrears on those all the time. Set your limit, provide notice, then act. Once you file, you'll have six months to 'cool off' before any final motions/filings will be acted upon by the court, so no rush, but get it started. Freeze things now. Good luck. Edited January 3, 2014 by carhill 'if' not 'is'
Mr. Lucky Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 As it appears you are separated, apparently non-legally, and have yet to divorce legally, one aspect I would consider is, as relevant, if he's making any payments on joint debt and, additionally, what your joint debt matrix is. Good advice. Are you on the phone account? Is the car registered or titled in your name? Mr. Lucky
beach Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 He won't figure out how to pay for himself until you stop paying things for him. Tell him you've paid for the last time - now it's all on him.
darkmoon Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I think he knows the cost of living but might pretend not to, I mean to say, it is something nineteen year olds are aware of
Author wellthissucks Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Good advice. Are you on the phone account? Is the car registered or titled in your name? Mr. Lucky I'm on the phone account but his car is his and in his name, I just had it on my insurance.
beach Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I'm on the phone account but his car is his and in his name, I just had it on my insurance. Time to tell him he has 10 days to secure his own car insurance and phone in his name. Then when 10 days comes - take his name off of both.
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