SmartDude Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 So I am a 40 year old guy. Very attractive to the point were I have been rejected because it is assumed I am a player or that I have lots of other options. Generally, I never treat people badly. My rule being "Do what you will as long as it does not cause harm to others." I am charismatic, have my own business but not rich...And a talented musician who enjoys pursuits of the mind rather than boring stuff like being rich, traveling the world...etc. I have had a strong desire for NOT wanting to have children since I was about 12 lol. My most signifigant relationship started when I was 32, she was 35. This relationship ended in my late 30's. She was really great in her own way, I did truly love her. She was better looking than most women in their 20's even(to me anyways). Now that I am single and actively pursuing women again there is a problem. For all my 20's I had very little sex and no actual girlfriend. I now feel drawn to younger women on an emotional and mental level. I feel I need to say this to explain my true feelings because of course some bitch who hangs out on cafemom dot com all day is going to blast me and say I am only after young bodies. When I think about dating a women my own age I cringe. Maybe this is just temporary? Hope so, cause there are a lot of fine women my age as well, But I just can't connect with them. Their sophistication and experience is actually a turn-off to me, which is really strange. Maybe its just a phase? I enjoy the messy, train wreck situations that young women have to offer(joke,exaggeration). I find it exciting. I like being someone they can talk to who is not just interested in screwing them. Kind of like a silent mentor who will let them make their own choices without interfering like a father would. I like the dynamic that exists within that type of love affair. Anyone else been through this? Is this a thing that all 40 something guys go thru? I would love to hear from both sides. Let's just keep it on topic please if possible. No internet flame wars on this post please if you can help it....But I feel that may be impossible. Let's see.
Yamaha Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 So you think now that your available you want to re-live your 20's and start over! You can't really go back. It just doesn't work. Are you the same person you were when in your 20's? You would fit better with a women closer to your age. Yes. You probably are going through a kinda mid-life adjustment. You want to see if you still got it! To see if you have the sex appeal to attract young women! Why can't you connect with women your age? You sound a little immature. Wanting a young woman because they aren't as experienced and sophisticated is a cop-out. Many of these young women will want children at some point. Maybe you want to play the player lifestyle now and not have a serious relationship. I guess dating a young woman would be ideal in that regard. They probably won't get serious with you as well. I will just say that usually when one person is quite a bit older than the other the one that gets hurt is the older one when things go wrong. Just sayin! 2
GemmaUK Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Yes, it does sound like a mid life crisis. Go for it if you want to but be aware that many of the ladies in their twenties will be creeped out by you. I'm mid forties and get approached by 60 year olds - it creeps me out. You do sound fairly immature though so would quite possibly struggle with your own age group as well. 2
Debanked Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Dating a 20-something at your age sounds great until you think about the substance of a 20-something that would want to date a 40 year old! 2
OpheliaSong Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 All I know is that I would never go out with a 40 year old nor would any of my friends. I am 23. My dad is 45 so ewwww. I don't know if you are going thru a midlife crisis or not, but you are having unrealistic expectations. Most young women won't want to date someone that much older unless you are extremely wealthy and they would only do so...be your sugar baby to get your money. Even if Brad Pitt approached to date me I would think he was creepy and he is hot. 3
Author SmartDude Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 So you think now that your available you want to re-live your 20's and start over! You can't really go back. It just doesn't work. Are you the same person you were when in your 20's? You would fit better with a women closer to your age. Yes. You probably are going through a kinda mid-life adjustment. You want to see if you still got it! To see if you have the sex appeal to attract young women! Why can't you connect with women your age? You sound a little immature. Wanting a young woman because they aren't as experienced and sophisticated is a cop-out. Many of these young women will want children at some point. Maybe you want to play the player lifestyle now and not have a serious relationship. I guess dating a young woman would be ideal in that regard. They probably won't get serious with you as well. I will just say that usually when one person is quite a bit older than the other the one that gets hurt is the older one when things go wrong. Just sayin! I appreciate your honesty. Yes you are right I am a completely different person at 40. Not trying to start over from my 20's or anything like that. Although I do wonder if there is a subconscious attraction to younger women because of the loneliness and trauma of my 20's. Definitely possible. Right now I enjoy being single. A not-so-commited relationsip does not sound that bad. And yea I would almost expect to be the one dumped if something developed with a woman who was much younger. This may seem like an extreme view, but I am not going to deny probability. I guess I am an odd person in some ways though. I don't seek someone to spend the rest of my life with. I just don't buy that whole fantasy. Even if you live together for a very long time, your not just going to blissfully die at the exact same time your partner does. There are very few people who stay together for the majority of their lives. Most people have many different interactions with different lovers throughout life, and hey what is so wrong with that? Maturity is a loaded word that can mean different things to different people. A lot of people who claim to be mature are just stuck in a pattern of pleasing their parents and wining their approval(even if this only happens within the mind). When I was a little boy I knew my parents were dumb and did not see the world as it truly is. I knew I was just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. So what is the aversion to women my own age? I don't know exactly. They have no problem with me. Sophisticated they are, but in the wrong way. I like that younger women have fun and are not afraid of being foolish at times. Yes, I know that this is a generalization. I have an open mind and so should the person I am with. I need someone who has outgrown the "childish" desire for worldly wealth and status. This is likeley to be an "older" woman who has come to this realization or perhaps a younger woman who does not really care yet. There are quite a few women my age who have not gotten the marriage, house, child dream(why does everyone want this, are you all insane? lol). I can empathize though. But hey I just don't want that kind of pressure to make it a committed relationship with serious goals right away. minimum of 4 years together before I would even consider marrying. I love children as long as they belong to someone else. I think soccer moms must be my nemesis. If I get with someone my age there are probably going to be kids in the house and I have never been in that situation, It frightens me.
Author SmartDude Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Oh and just to be clear. My definition of younger woman may be different than expected. I think 25-26 would be my lower age limit.
OpheliaSong Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) Oh and just to be clear. My definition of younger woman may be different than expected. I think 25-26 would be my lower age limit. Haha still creepy. Look you do what you need to but the fact that you came here asking about a midlife crisis shows you that dating young women when you are middle aged is desperate. Maybe you should figure out what is going on org lacking in you that makes you want to date women in their mid twenties. Life experiences will be different for Them. However, if you are honest and admit that you just want to bang and bounce it makes more sense. You are horny and younger women don't have baggage or wrinkles. Edited January 2, 2014 by OpheliaSong 2
the_entertainer1 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 All I know is that I would never go out with a 40 year old nor would any of my friends. I am 23. My dad is 45 so ewwww. I don't know if you are going thru a midlife crisis or not, but you are having unrealistic expectations. Most young women won't want to date someone that much older unless you are extremely wealthy and they would only do so...be your sugar baby to get your money. Even if Brad Pitt approached to date me I would think he was creepy and he is hot. OpheliaSong You sound kinda immature for a 23 year old! To the OP, SmartDude: I kinda see where you're coming from. Speaking as someone who hasn't had much relationship experience, I can relate to the comment about you wanting someone with similar experience to you. Having said that - I'm 24 and would not want to date someone your age. I find some men your age attractive - even older ones (no, I don't have a fetish - what's not to like about someone like Hugh Jackman?! Despite being 50, he is definitely a looker!) I agree with some other posters who have suggested that many women in their 20s might want to date you for their own sense of security and because you'd probably seem more mature and stable than guys their age. Ashamed as I am to admit it, we can be quite judgemental. Women your age would almost certainly have less issues in terms of self-esteem and wondering what other people would think. I can't really tell you whether you're going through a mid life crisis or not, but it kind of sounds like what I like to call "Peter Pan syndrome".
OpheliaSong Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 OpheliaSong You sound kinda immature for a 23 year old! . Perhaps, but if not dating someone who is old enough to be my dad and going thru a midlife crisis is immature then sign me up. I think it is more being selective and not wanting to be some old mans toy. Maturity is learning how to recognize when someone is wanting to revert to their young adulthood and wants to be a player.... 3
Author SmartDude Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Haha still creepy. Look you do what you need to but the fact that you came here asking about a midlife crisis shows you that dating young women when you are middle aged is desperate. Maybe you should figure out what is going on org lacking in you that makes you want to date women in their mid twenties. Life experiences will be different for Them. However, if you are honest and admit that you just want to bang and bounce it makes more sense. You are horny and younger women don't have baggage or wrinkles. Hehe just wait. In 2-3 years you will go through an "older guy phase". You will be done with this phase around age 30, I notice this is a recurring pattern among some women. And no, I don't want to just bang them. I want the real thing, but it does not have to last forever either. Surely there must be some middle way between an FWB arrangement and fully committing to a life partner. You say your 23? I bet you think 28 year old guys are creepy too because omg they are so old! By the way, I don't expect to find much support from the women here. It would be to their advantage to condition me to not want a younger woman. I get that. The guys will probably just hide because they know if they say anything they will get flamed. Fun times hehe.
Iguanna Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 A young woman for an older man can be like poison. She won't think you two are equal, she will try to take advantage of you, she will hook up with other guys as well and spend with them the money you will give her (cause you WILL give her money, may be an apartment to live in or money to pay her bills etc). I've seen this story, older men who get crazy with young girls and the girls just use them for their own advantage. I have a friend who was destroyed by a girl this kind. She took money, jewelry, money for trips, tickets, clothes, bills, everything, and then she left him. He was devastated and after some months, the minute he started feeling a little better, she appeared again to mess with him (probably needed something from him again). Relationships between people of so much different ages are not equal cause the younger one feels the older one owes them cause they share their youth or something. You want to be young again but I'm afraid you'll fall deeply in love with such a young girl and she'll manipulate you big time while the only thing you want is have fun. Some women are not fun at all when they know their powers and know where and how they can use it. I'd suggest you try to date at least some girl in her thirties, they are still fun but more serious.
OpheliaSong Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 You say your 23? I bet you think 28 year old guys are creepy too because omg they are so old! By the way, I don't expect to find much support from the women here. It would be to their advantage to condition me to not want a younger woman. I get that. The guys will probably just hide because they know if they say anything they will get flamed. Fun times hehe. I am 23...I have no ulterior motive to my posts since I am not concerned about midlife men going after younger women. I am not flaming you either. I am merely telling you the truth on how I see your situation since I am close to the age you are interested in. Yes, I have dated a 28 year old man before and it was great. The question here is whether or not you are going thru a midlife crisis. As I said, I don't know if you are, but unless you are only wanting a physical or casual relationship most twenty something women want to date men closer to their age. That doesn't mean there aren't some who have daddy issues or want stability. I guess if I thought I was going thru a midlife crisis I might try to figure out why I felt that way instead of focusing on just the age of women I prefer dating due to that midlife crisis. 2
melodymatters Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I'm a woman in my 40's and I am not judging you. And not dating people with kids is completely understandable. I was widowed in my 40's and after 2,5 yrs where I couldn't even imagine dating, I was ready and went out with some good looking guys in their 40's. Unfortunately THEY were the ones who were train wrecks, lol, so I started dating the cute younger guy ( 20's) I worked with, with the expectation it would be a short, fun, friendly fling. We recently celebrated our 2 yr wedding anniversary in October. He is no better looking, cooler or physically fit than the 40's guys, nor was he less mature or stable. It was a "people clicking thing" and if you click with someone younger, who cares ? I guess I would just suggest you follow my model and be open minded and date lots of different people. Then, when you meet someone special you guys can pull out your birth certificates and see if it matters one whit at that point. I too hate soccer moms, but my 40's female friends are seriously cool, we all have artistic pursuits, weigh what we did in high school, go out to see bands often and it's hard to get us out of our Doc Martins, so don't paint all 40's something XX chromosome people with the same brush, M'kay ? 1
deathandtaxes Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Sounds like you haven't dated enough women your own age, or even close to your own age. I'm sure there would be plenty of mid-30's women who would date a 40 year old guy. Why would you want to date a 25 year old chick? First thing that comes to my mind is sex. And you know what, that's all their gonna think you want, too. And if you find it, good. I'm 35 and have gone out with some older ladies. They have a lot to offer. I don't know why you're hung up on this sophistication ****. You really don't want a mature lady? Wow. Wtf is wrong with you? Get your head out of your bunghole man! Yes, I am judging you as a fellow guy. 2
Imported Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 OP, if you are "very attractive",somewhat observant and willing to take action from the feedback you should be generating, you should have little problem attracting women of various ages, including "much younger". If that is not the case, than it is not. Personally, I think women 25 and above are good to go if they want to be with you. I don't think you should "cold approach" or truely initiate anything with the younger girls. Leave em alone. If they are atracted to you, they will usually make it known and then you can take action. Otherwise you're just a creep.
Mascara Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 If you're looking for a relationship but don't want kids, a younger woman is the last thing you need. Women your own age with grown up kids is what you should be looking for - we've worked hard for years to raise them, and now we're ready to party! That 25 year old though? Five years from now she's going to want the white dress and the babies. I'm 42, my boyfriend is 39. We were saying the other day that we wish we could have had our 20s and 30s with each other. So I get what you're saying, I just think you're looking for the wrong solution.
Iguanna Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 we've worked hard for years to raise them, and now we're ready to party! Please don't take this as a personal attack (I don't even know you) but you made this sound really cheap and indelicate.
deathandtaxes Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Please don't take this as a personal attack (I don't even know you) but you made this sound really cheap and indelicate. I'm hoping they actually put serious time and attention into raising their young rather than party WHILE raising their kids. It's not like being a parent ends when the kids leave the nest...
Mascara Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Don't worry about it. I *am* cheap and indelicate. 1
Phantom888 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Older ladies are wonderful...especially around age 40. Really sexy. But I guess if you prefer the younger ladies, you are really not in the mode to settle down and have a family. Maybe I read this thread too quickly, but I didn't see any mention of you ever desiring marriage or a serious long term relationship. You just want to date and have sex, which is perfectly fine, and would explain why you have not been married and you are already 40 years old. That's a red flag for most women. I guess you should just do what you want to do, but don't expect anything great at the moment. Women in their 20s are really not all that fun to be with when you get past the sex and partying. Just don't waste too much of your time and end up being an old lonely dude 10 years later wondering why you didn't opt for something more substantial. IMHO. 1
Mascara Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I'm hoping they actually put serious time and attention into raising their young rather than party WHILE raising their kids. It's not like being a parent ends when the kids leave the nest... I also think the word "party" implies different things. I've known people using it as code for "wild promiscuity". Whereas I just mean "going out without worrying about babysitters, having fun with friends and my boyfriend. Possible drunkeness" 1
GemmaUK Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I read this and have to admit some things I am akin to. I appreciate your honesty. Yes you are right I am a completely different person at 40. Not trying to start over from my 20's or anything like that. Although I do wonder if there is a subconscious attraction to younger women because of the loneliness and trauma of my 20's. Definitely possible.[/quote) I didn't have loneliness in my 20's and rarely feel it now but I do sometimes and I think it is increasing (but I have no family in the UK - Christmas is ALL about family..lol!) Right now I enjoy being single. A not-so-commited relationsip does not sound that bad. And yea I would almost expect to be the one dumped if something developed with a woman who was much younger. This may seem like an extreme view, but I am not going to deny probability. I guess I am an odd person in some ways though. I don't seek someone to spend the rest of my life with. I just don't buy that whole fantasy. Even if you live together for a very long time, your not just going to blissfully die at the exact same time your partner does. There are very few people who stay together for the majority of their lives. Most people have many different interactions with different lovers throughout life, and hey what is so wrong with that? [/quote[ I differ in that I would like to find someone who I gelled with and would like to form something long term but I am not in a huge hurry. Maturity is a loaded word that can mean different things to different people. A lot of people who claim to be mature are just stuck in a pattern of pleasing their parents and wining their approval(even if this only happens within the mind). When I was a little boy I knew my parents were dumb and did not see the world as it truly is. I knew I was just going to have to suck it up and deal with it.:laugh So what is the aversion to women my own age? I don't know exactly. They have no problem with me. Sophisticated they are, but in the wrong way. I like that younger women have fun and are not afraid of being foolish at times. Yes, I know that this is a generalization. I have an open mind and so should the person I am with. I need someone who has outgrown the "childish" desire for worldly wealth and status. This is likeley to be an "older" woman who has come to this realization or perhaps a younger woman who does not really care yet. Who says a woman in her forties is afraid to be foolish? I like to go to gigs...bounce my heart out at the front, if I go to a party I will dance my feet off if I like the music. I also love Glastonbury and Reading Festival. There are quite a few women my age who have not gotten the marriage, house, child dream(why does everyone want this, are you all insane? lol). I can empathize though. But hey I just don't want that kind of pressure to make it a committed relationship with serious goals right away. minimum of 4 years together before I would even consider marrying. I love children as long as they belong to someone else. I think soccer moms must be my nemesis. If I get with someone my age there are probably going to be kids in the house and I have never been in that situation, It frightens me. Who says we all want all that? I didn't! I still don't! Minimum of 4 years until you get married? Cripes! I don't want to get married..never have done and very much doubt I ever will. ...and I have no FWB or anything going on. I am a 44 year old woman who gets flirted with (IRL) by 28-32 yos and online by 70 yos. I am so not a cougar at all...I want someone my own age but one who doesn't want to control me. However, for you it might be worth a try to look at who looks at you, who wants to talks to you..figure their age group out. Then you might find who you could gel with. But..women in their forties are not all dull...you may well struggle if they want serious conversations though..
Author SmartDude Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 I'm a woman in my 40's and I am not judging you. And not dating people with kids is completely understandable. I was widowed in my 40's and after 2,5 yrs where I couldn't even imagine dating, I was ready and went out with some good looking guys in their 40's. Unfortunately THEY were the ones who were train wrecks, lol, so I started dating the cute younger guy ( 20's) I worked with, with the expectation it would be a short, fun, friendly fling. We recently celebrated our 2 yr wedding anniversary in October. He is no better looking, cooler or physically fit than the 40's guys, nor was he less mature or stable. It was a "people clicking thing" and if you click with someone younger, who cares ? I guess I would just suggest you follow my model and be open minded and date lots of different people. Then, when you meet someone special you guys can pull out your birth certificates and see if it matters one whit at that point. I too hate soccer moms, but my 40's female friends are seriously cool, we all have artistic pursuits, weigh what we did in high school, go out to see bands often and it's hard to get us out of our Doc Martins, so don't paint all 40's something XX chromosome people with the same brush, M'kay ? Thanks, I needed that. Yes, I remember now...there are cool women in their 40's out there. Meeting a bunch of the wrong type may have skewed my perception.
Author SmartDude Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 OP, if you are "very attractive",somewhat observant and willing to take action from the feedback you should be generating, you should have little problem attracting women of various ages, including "much younger". If that is not the case, than it is not. Personally, I think women 25 and above are good to go if they want to be with you. I don't think you should "cold approach" or truely initiate anything with the younger girls. Leave em alone. If they are atracted to you, they will usually make it known and then you can take action. Otherwise you're just a creep. That is the thing...It is just so easy compared to the past. No need to "cold approach". I just wait till they start playing with their hair or start checking me out. I sense it and then sure enough I meet her gaze. Then there is the familiar "deer in the headlights moment" for her, trying to pretend she wasn't looking. Or sometimes they don't even back down lol and just wait for me to say something.
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