realfriends Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I wonder to myself, after about 6 weeks of NC, if she did come back, could I truly forgive her. Could I look at her everyday and never hold the grudge on her. Theres so many things that would be completely different because it would have to be. I dont know if things would ever be able to mend. I wonder, 6 months down the road, if she does manage to come back how would I feel. Going off to a new college, I dont think it could work. I wonder if she thinks about me or talks about me. I wonder if she has down days like I have. I wonder if she has a plan. I ask myself, "why should I forgive her"? She hasnt fought for me after all I had done for her. She's done absolutely nothing and I dont know if she ever will. As you guys can tell, todays been a low day. I cant wait for school to start to hopefully get her off my mind. I just come here because its times like these where I dont know where else to turn. What to do. What to say. How to feel. How to cope. I probably shouldnt even be wondering about this because its probably just hurting me. Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. They always say the first ones the hardest, and I never thought I would find that out, but I did. The hard way.
LadyM Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 It's not just the first one - they're all hard. 2
Author realfriends Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Having another bad day. Im just going to write down everything in no order so sorry. Typically, I run 4 miles around the school, since I live so close to campus and it makes a nice loop. I happen to notice that her new sorority that she joined when I was with her got a house on campus. Everytime I pass it, it makes me just put her up on the pedestal with all the great things she's doing and all the friends she has and it really gets me down (motivates me sometimes to run harder at the end). I probably should change routes. I also always, when I see the type of car she has, always try to figure out if its her car or not (she has unique features on it). I typically don't have anyone that texts me during the day and I compare myself to her who was always texting away. I feel like its hard for me to find new girls since I don't drink and don't club at the age of 21. I then again compare myself to her with all the stuff she does and all the people that she surrounds herself with. I think that theres no point in even trying to get a girl with only about 7 months left until I leave to a new school where I can start fresh. I give myself false hope but subconsciously hoping that around the 6 month mark, shell cave. Once I reach there, maybe ill tell myself 1 year mark. Im holding on to false hope. I then try to remind myself of her true colors that she showed me at the very end of it all. Her selfish way and how power hungry she was. I tell myself I don't know if things would ever work with her. I think she thinks I'm just a back up plan now and will only be second best. I picture her happy getting around with other guys and know that if she does what she wants to do, and even if she doesn't, we could never work. The situation is a loose loose. If she gets around with guys, ill just be a back up plan. If she doesn't, ill just tell myself that shell want to again. I keep myself busy but feel like I need to be talking to more girls. I think that would help boost me. I talk to one, but decided I'm not interested and just want to be friends. I need to kick her off her pedestal and stop giving myself false hope. I know we al go through this and I'm scared that although I realistically tell myself how freaking well I am doing, that I'm on the high point of the sin wave that is probably about to oscillate at the 6 month mark where all my false hope comes crashing down and the realistic point of view comes. She no longer has feelings for me. She no longer loves me. She is nothing but a memory of something that could of been. Just a learning curve and all I was was a stepping stone, to take her where she needed to go. Once again sorry for the incoherent statements. I just need a pick up and know the LS community is always there for me.
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