Does an ex ever come back after you dump them?

[Haydn]

This is true and my ex never went to therapy once and got worse. (Most think everyone else is wrong. Dont go back to this nothing will change.

 

 

Then what makes you think she's learned a lesson?

 

Seriously, you can do better. People with BPD need constant therapy - unless she's getting that, don't even go near her.

[lostsoul4286]

People come on here all the time telling us their EX is BPD, a sociopath, psychotic, suffers from bipolar depression and whatever else they’ve come up with on the internet. Do you think they bothered to actually reference the DSM. Do they even know what the DSM is? Might they even know what the current version is and how it used?

 

Unless you spent the last four to six year studying mental health and treatment therapies how on earth did you come up with your opinion? By reading a link on the internet – oh please?!?!

 

Making comments about the state of someone’s mental health by referencing acute diagnosis descriptives is no different than me looking up your skirt and cross referencing what I see or smell on WEBMD.

 

Posting links for others to grossly misinterpret based on assumptions and personal judgment is equally disturbing.

 

Treat your situation as break up stemming from an incompatible and unreasonable EX and move on to healing rather than overly assuming mental status without sanctioned diagnosis criteria.

 

My friend's girlfriend is in the field and she confirmed it. Read my past posts. I didn't understand how the "stress" could have changed her so much, but then again, I ignored all the red flags.

[Am4Real]

What on earth on you talking about?

 

This description is complete nonsense unless your “friends girlfriend” diagnosed your EX directly which often takes hours of involved therapeutic sessions to accomplish, mainly form the complexity of crossover symptoms between all deviants of these conditions, illnesses and diseases.

 

[highlight]As stated you are representing a medical diagnosis (on hearsay nonetheless) without proper investigation, care or training.[/highlight]

 

Why do you think one cannot call up their physician, describe what they think they have, which subsequently has the caregiver prescribe “over the phone” based on “your” description only. It cannot and should not happen from an ethical and risk management perspective.

 

Your talking nonsense dude…you’re talking absolute nonsense!

 

 

 

My friend's girlfriend is in the field and she confirmed it. Read my past posts. I didn't understand how the "stress" could have changed her so much, but then again, I ignored all the red flags.

[Kevin_D]

People come on here all the time telling us their EX is BPD, a sociopath, psychotic, suffers from bipolar depression and whatever else they’ve come up with on the internet. Do you think they bothered to actually reference the DSM. Do they even know what the DSM is? Might they even know what the current version is and how it used?

 

Unless you spent the last four to six year studying mental health and treatment therapies how on earth did you come up with your opinion? By reading a link on the internet – oh please?!?!

 

Making comments about the state of someone’s mental health by referencing acute diagnosis descriptives is no different than me looking up your skirt and cross referencing what I see or smell on WEBMD.

 

Posting links for others to grossly misinterpret based on assumptions and personal judgment is equally disturbing.

 

Treat your situation as break up stemming from an incompatible and unreasonable EX and move on to healing rather than overly assuming mental status without sanctioned diagnosis criteria.

 

Well, first off, when you get dumped out of the blue, it's only natural to look for an explanation. To hear that my partner most likely checked out emotionally a long time ago and lied when she talked about how much she loved doesn't make me feel any matter. It makes me feel betrayed and worthless. It makes me feel like an idiot who didn't notice the signs.

 

While it might be a bit unfair and silly to diagnose someone with BPD or BD, I think these persons kind of deserve it since they obviously weren't honest about their feelings.

 

As you may know by now, my ex's mother was bipolar (hospitalized at least two times, later commited suicide). One month she was the most loving mother in the world, the next she was a devil. My ex would get so upset over her change in behavior. The only thing that could calm her down was to say "That's not your mother talking to you, it's the disease".

 

And I choose to do the same now. I can't say if my ex is bipolar. She definitely has shown signs of it and it wouldn't be that unlikely since it's hereditary. But it really doesn't matter. It helps me to accept things.

[Am4Real]

Kevin,

 

Your message is contradictory.

 

You admit labeling someone with a condition based on you trying to understand what happened. Trying to understand what happened is fair and good for you, labeling them is not. It’s an insult to us in the mental health community.

 

Your second point is valid. You’re EX’s mother was hospitalized for a mental condition and may have subsequently been officially diagnosed. This was my point and it would compile an accurate and fair disposition.

 

Let me ask you Kevin, you’re sitting in a room of strangers, on the other side of the room there is a person coughing profusely.

 

It’s going on and on and on.

 

Hearing that cough, maybe even witnessing the cycle of coughs, tell me what ailment they suffer from?

 

Get my point now?

 

A cough is a symptom for hundreds of innocent conditions from something as simple as a dust ball or peanut caught in your throat or back of your mouth to lung cancer and worse. Call up the local hospital and tell them what you witnessed in this person coughing, you know what they will tell you to do? They will advise you to bring them to the ER or care giver or call 911 for immediate treatment or evaluation. They don’t label a cough(er) and no one should label someone with mental illness until a professional oversees and concludes an evaluation.

 

 

 

Well, first off, when you get dumped out of the blue, it's only natural to look for an explanation. To hear that my partner most likely checked out emotionally a long time ago and lied when she talked about how much she loved doesn't make me feel any matter. It makes me feel betrayed and worthless. It makes me feel like an idiot who didn't notice the signs.

 

While it might be a bit unfair and silly to diagnose someone with BPD or BD, I think these persons kind of deserve it since they obviously weren't honest about their feelings.

 

As you may know by now, my ex's mother was bipolar (hospitalized at least two times, later commited suicide). One month she was the most loving mother in the world, the next she was a devil. My ex would get so upset over her change in behavior. The only thing that could calm her down was to say "That's not your mother talking to you, it's the disease".

 

And I choose to do the same now. I can't say if my ex is bipolar. She definitely has shown signs of it and it wouldn't be that unlikely since it's hereditary. But it really doesn't matter. It helps me to accept things.

[lostsoul4286]

Kevin,

 

Your message is contradictory.

 

You admit labeling someone with a condition based on you trying to understand what happened. Trying to understand what happened is fair and good for you, labeling them is not. It’s an insult to us in the mental health community.

 

Your second point is valid. You’re EX’s mother was hospitalized for a mental condition and may have subsequently been officially diagnosed. This was my point and it would compile an accurate and fair disposition.

 

Let me ask you Kevin, you’re sitting in a room of strangers, on the other side of the room there is a person coughing profusely.

 

It’s going on and on and on.

 

Hearing that cough, maybe even witnessing the cycle of coughs, tell me what ailment they suffer from?

 

Get my point now?

 

A cough is a symptom for hundreds of innocent conditions from something as simple as a dust ball or peanut caught in your throat or back of your mouth to lung cancer and worse. Call up the local hospital and tell them what you witnessed in this person coughing, you know what they will tell you to do? They will advise you to bring them to the ER or care giver or call 911 for immediate treatment or evaluation. They don’t label a cough(er) and no one should label someone with mental illness until a professional oversees and concludes an evaluation.

 

Very well, then let me rephrase my question with detail. Does an ex come back who initially pushed me away by being distant, changing her answers on the simplest of comments (i.e went from saying how she's so lucky to have me to one day responding "You feel that way even though I'm a b*tch?" after telling her how lucky I am to have her in my life), telling me I can't meet her father because I said we can't be friends if this doesn't work out (prior to that she was already introducing me as a "friend" to her family), becoming belligerent a day before I left because of something feeble and name calling (I've never resorted to that type of demeanor in an argument). Enduring her hot and cold attitudes??????? All this she claims she did because she pushes people away when she needs help the most, a trait she stated she'd never direct towards me. The night before I left back home from the visit, I asked her if she wanted to talk, she said no and continued to watch "Glee". I truly tried every way, she doesn't like confrontation and lied to me when she said she'd never push me away.

 

 

I broke up with her and tried to get her back the next day, she aimed low and hung up on me and I wrote an e-mail that I didn't want to ever speak to her again out of frustration and anger and how she could be the one that's mad. I realized my mistake, gave it a day to cool off and contacted her, tried to get her back to no avail and told me she'd contact me. After 3 weeks I told her I can't wait anymore, and informed her if I should stop waiting and trying to get her back. She called me told me she missed me and loved me and then again flipped the switch and started to be angry at me, told me we'll talk when she comes to her parents for the holidays. She contacted me the 23rd to tell me she couldn't do it and she wants to move on, and that she wanted to be friends. I text her the next day that I couldn't be friends with someone that doesn't acknowledge the damage they do through their actions. She followed up with a scathing e-mail saying that I'll be back and when I grow up emotionally that she'll be waiting here with open arms and a loving friendship

Edited January 2, 2014 by lostsoul4286

[Am4Real]

Very well stated lostsoul4286!

 

In my experience, they have all come back, every single one of them except the last one. One got married after 8 months following our split, then divorced the new husband and chased me for two years, yep two years. Not once did I break NO CONTACT and she still never gave up. Crazy!

 

For me, the ones that have come back or reconsidered or regretted did so within a month; this last one cheated and I think she knows better than to face "the music" regardless of the conditions or her thinking.

 

You'll read it here many times from the experienced posters on LS, once they're gone and you process the effects on you and you heal, it's not likely you will entertain their return. I know that sounds offbeat now, especially for you having just gone through the break-up but months from now it's likely to be a much different story.

 

This is why we emphasize healing fully before going on to new relationships and breaking all forms of communication and monitoring with an EX; it;s amazing what the human heart and mind can accomplish if we are generally mentally healthy and allow our human systems to fight for our own survival.

 

Thank you for tolerating my argumentative side on not labeling most whacked out, jerk ridden, insensitive EX's with mental illnesses. Mental illness is a serious ailment and I have the utmost sympathy for those legitimately impaired with whatever they suffer from.

 

 

Very well, then let me rephrase my question with detail. Does an ex come back who initially pushed me away by being distant, changing her answers on the simplest of comments (i.e went from saying how she's so lucky to have me to one day responding "You feel that way even though I'm a b*tch?" after telling her how lucky I am to have her in my life), telling me I can't meet her father because I said we can't be friends if this doesn't work out (prior to that she was already introducing me as a "friend" to her family), becoming belligerent a day before I left because of something feeble and name calling (I've never resorted to that type of demeanor in an argument). Enduring her hot and cold attitudes??????? All this she claims she did because she pushes people away when she needs help the most, a trait she stated she'd never direct towards me. The night before I left back home from the visit, I asked her if she wanted to talk, she said no and continued to watch "Glee". I truly tried every way, she doesn't like confrontation and lied to me when she said she'd never push me away.

 

 

I broke up with her and tried to get her back the next day, she aimed low and hung up on me and I wrote an e-mail that I didn't want to ever speak to her again out of frustration and anger and how she could be the one that's mad. I realized my mistake, gave it a day to cool off and contacted her, tried to get her back to no avail and told me she'd contact me. After 3 weeks I told her I can't wait anymore, and informed her if I should stop waiting and trying to get her back. She called me told me she missed me and loved me and then again flipped the switch and started to be angry at me, told me we'll talk when she comes to her parents for the holidays. She contacted me the 23rd to tell me she couldn't do it and she wants to move on, and that she wanted to be friends. I text her the next day that I couldn't be friends with someone that doesn't acknowledge the damage they do through their actions. She followed up with a scathing e-mail saying that I'll be back and when I grow up emotionally that she'll be waiting here with open arms and a loving friendship

[radiodarcy]

My friend's girlfriend is in the field and she confirmed it. Read my past posts. I didn't understand how the "stress" could have changed her so much, but then again, I ignored all the red flags.

 

 

Even if you friend's gf is in the field, unless your ex has has had a session with a a therapist it's still speculation.

 

Has your ex seen a specialist? Is she working on her issues? Based on her behavior it doesn't sound like it and if she has or is, it doesn't sound like she's doing much to work on the behaviors that led you to dump her in the first place.

 

As someone who has been diagnosed with BPD and is currently in therapy, I know all to well how difficult we are to deal with. If your ex does have BPD (or some other disorder) - - I don't see how the relationship will be much better unless she agrees to go to counseling and the two of you spend time apart.

 

If she were to take you back at this point, it would be the same roller coaster - -with her in total complete control and making sure you know it. In dumping her you gave her the upper hand and if you go back, you'll just be confirming it.

 

And honestly, is that even a situation you would want to go back to?

[lostsoul4286]

Thank you everyone for your advice and thoughts on this matter. I've learned a valuable lesson through this whole experience, never break up unless you truly are sure. But even then, I'm sure they'll be a grieving process.

 

The reason I want to give it a second chance, is because, honestly, this is my first real relationship (embarrassing that at 27 I finally let someone in). Only reason is because I've always been hung up in my career for more than a decade and never stopped to smell the roses. A feeling of failure, love, and caring courses through my body when I think of this situation. Meditation is definitely helping me heal. Though I will admit when I met her, I was a different person, my ego had grown because I was the sole reason a multi-billion dollar business got off the ground and opened on time, and every exec acknowledged that. Power can be a poison when left unchecked. I met my ex throughout the whole thing and we fooled around, she was one of maybe 2 other women. Towards the end, the project was falling apart because of the client's inept staff and other reasons that were out of my control. She happened to be there when I was at my low and leaving that state to go back home, and out of loneliness I asked her to be my girl. Those first 3 months were magical, and I ignored the red flags of what was to come in an effort to make it work since I was already hitched.

 

The day I ended it she also happened to have a blow out with her roommates who at the time were basically squatting in her apartment. She doesn't like being alone, I left her down there at a time she needed my support (she never told me this until the end) and guilt is also another feeling that I succumb to.

[maiden555]

If it helps me heal faster, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's not like I walk around and tell people "I got dumped because she is bipolar".

 

Exactly. Also, I find these anti-labeling arguments to be silly. Excuse me if I choose not to wait for my ex to suddenly decide to see a therapist, disclose all of his symptoms and behavior from a clear POV (natural for those with disordered thinking!), get an official diagnosis, and write me to tell about it. Instead I do my own research (yes, including the DSM) to get a better understanding of where his mind may have been at. Some of us need a bit more than "he's just a jerk, move on" in order to heal and get better.

 

The rigid assumption that psychologists are the only ones who can investigate and try to gain insight into others' mental health is more dangerous than exploring whether your loved one might have a personality disorder.

[lostsoul4286]

I just hate this feeling, I wish she'd call. I highly doubt that will happen.

[pickflicker]

I just hate this feeling, I wish she'd call. I highly doubt that will happen.

 

No, it's better that she doesn't.

[pickflicker]

Gentlemen, could you please open up another thread regarding this debate? I'm completely lost in this and really don't want to break NC.

 

 

Why are you lost? It's not hard. Whether your girlfriend is BPD or not, it sounds like the relationship was far too volatile and the best course of treatment is to continue NC.

 

You obviously dumped her for a very good reason. Just leave it.

[William]

OK, since a report of a threadjack caused some cleanup here, I'll remind members to remain focused on the topic which is 'does an ex ever come back after you dump them?'

 

Sharing personal experience is fine, as long as relates to, and addresses, primarily the thread starter's issue and question, and does not become a discussion about another member's issue. There are threads available, for free, to do that. Thanks!