married2school Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Hey everyone. I will admit this is sort of new territory for me… I'm 23. I've dated, had a couple of relationships, but both of them eventually involved things going long-distance before either of us managed to get to the point of, "I love you." So, unlike a lot of girls, I've actually never told a guy that I loved him. A little (lot?) bit of back-story. I'm a first year medical student. About three months ago, I asked this guy in my class out - something I've never ever done before, but totally thought he was worth the risk. We hit it off very quickly. With class, we see each other on a daily basis and usually grab lunch together most days. Not much calling or texting since we see each other so frequently. Nice for both of us because it is sort of a mutual respect of study time/space. There's the occasional weekend date - hiking, cycling, watching the symphony he used to play with. I spent the night about one week into dating (no sex) and have spent the night a handful times since whenever tests weren't breathing down our back. We've both exchanged "Gosh, I like you so much" sorts of comments. He's told me he hasn't felt this way since his high school/college gf, which is saying a lot because he's ten years older than me. Super sweet and affectionate guy. Our communication is extremely open - about the age difference, about past relationship issues, about things that bother us about each other - always handled and articulated in such a level-headed manner that I can honestly say I've never experienced that amount of maturity and respect from anyone. I would say he feels similarly. I met his parents around Thanksgiving, and he met mine a week before Christmas. A great experience for both of us. After considering putting it off until January or February, we had sex right before Christmas. He has been out of state for winter break, and we always keep in touch via text and a little bit of FaceTime here and there... Don't worry. I'm not under the delusion he's perfect. Believe me, I know he's not. But this is the fist time I think a relationship has felt this right for me. So, I'm getting to that point where I think I might be able to say it… My mom has even said that I'm normally sort of aloof with guys, and that he just seems to make me different. I feel like all the right signs and signals are there… But, it's also only been three months, and it's not like "I love you," has ever left these lips directed towards a guy before. I don't contemplate its usage lightly. Should I wait or be on the look-out for anything else in the relationship first? Or be open to saying it soon whenever the moment hits? What are some things in a relationship you normally wait for before dropping the "I love you" bomb?
Allumere Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I have never said it first and I have learned the hard way that when people say it they have no clue what it is all about. To say those words means you love the whole unique person. Not just attributes, not just the physical/chemical high. To say those words means that you already see a future with them and are at the point in the relationship where marriage is a clear vision. Saying it under any other terms is wrong. The other person isn't like a food you love or a close friend. This is the person you see as someone to spend the rest of your life with. 1
Author married2school Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Uhm… I wasn't exactly implying it was any of those things or isn't what it is really supposed to be. I acknowledged it is a very serious thing. If it wasn't, I would have said it before in other relationships. It is a very serious thing to me, especially considering I've never said it to anyone. I'm just contemplating. That's all. Not to be defensive, but merely to clarify. The point I was trying to make in describing the relationship, and how frequently we see one another, was to explain that the relationship has sort of naturally gone at a faster pace than most. Normally, my schedule with school would keep me from seeing a guy even on a weekly basis. We both established rather quickly that we were interested in a long term relationship. This is medical school. Most people I know are either seeking serious relationships with stability that will last or are looking for a **** buddy. No one I know wants to waste time with short term things. I mean honestly… that might mean a lower grade in a class. I don't for one second disagree with you on the matter that it's a serious thing. Don't get me wrong. Maybe what I really wanted to know is if it sounded like it was headed in that direction.
Allumere Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 As it has only been three months I would say it is really too soon to know. At 3 months you are still very much in the first stage of romance and the physical/chemical connection is the glue. What you are feeling now certainly may be like falling in love with the other person. There is no doubt you have genuine feelings but trust me when I say this love you feel is just in ir's infancy compared to what a deep enduring love will feel like. You may certainly get to that point but for now I would keep those words to myself.
d0nnivain Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 If you feel the emotion & you are comfortable, it's times to say the words. I don't think 3 months if you are already intimate is too soon for people in their 20s. I'd start with the "I really like you" 's & progress up to something along the lines of "I think I'm falling in love with you" if you want an escape route in case the feeling isn't returned yet.
Author married2school Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 I suppose I see what you're saying. I mean there is definitely some doubt in my mind too, or I would have said it and not bothered asking. I think I find myself comparing this to previous relationships, which can be a good and a bad thing. For I think possibly the first time, this is one where I haven't found myself doubting whether or not it was worth continuing to long term. This is also one of the first times that I know we'll both we in the same place for longer than a year. I think a very key reason I am hesitant to say anything is because I don't want it to be or perceived to be said because we recently started having sex. I don't feel like I'm your typical female as far as that is concerned, however, I am still female, and there is a twinge of new fascination with him and the relationship I suppose because of intimacy. Thanks, both of you, for your opinions and advice.
Leigh 87 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 As it has only been three months I would say it is really too soon to know. At 3 months you are still very much in the first stage of romance and the physical/chemical connection is the glue. What you are feeling now certainly may be like falling in love with the other person. There is no doubt you have genuine feelings but trust me when I say this love you feel is just in ir's infancy compared to what a deep enduring love will feel like. You may certainly get to that point but for now I would keep those words to myself. That's not true for a lot of people. My good friend and her bf fell in love within a week; they just "knew". They had both been in long term relationships before. Sometimes that person can come along and you just "know" very early on that you're in love with them. It is, however, RARE! My current bf and I fell in love fast, too; within a month of first meeting. Where as my last bf and I took a few months to say " I love you" A poster on here who has a rock solid relationship and is madly in love with her partner said it after 3 months. They are due to get married. A lot of people take 5 or 6 months to say " I love you" Some people take a year or more to say " I love you" My exes best friend never said he loved his ex after more than a year of dating. And she was a gorgeous and fun model, who ticked " all his boxes" A poster on here is late 30's, and he knew he was in love after just 2 dates. And he definitely knows what being in love feels like. 3 months is NOT too soon, but not every couple will reach that stage within 3 months. 1
Leigh 87 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 DO you love him? You don't need to think. Do you?
carhill Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Signs it's okay to say the "three words" When you feel like it. Communicating a feeling is pretty simple. It's instructive that people seem fairly free to communicate negative feelings just about anywhere but some mysterious timeline must exist for positive feelings, as if validating a person's value to one gives them mysterious powers or something. You'll love until you're dead. That could be tomorrow. Why waste today? What's the worst possible thing that could happen? You'll still keep breathin', so it's all good. BTW, I was reticent to use those words for many years, not because I didn't feel them but because there was a dearth of such language in my FOO, even though love was shown every day in actions. I simply had to get used to forming the language. Once that was overcome, nobody I loved was immune In the case of relationships and my marriage, the ladies heard ILY well before any lovemaking took place. Hard to make love without ILY, yes?
Author married2school Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Gah, I wish I wasn't so good at seeing both sides. Leigh 87: I do feel like I love him. 3 months is short. Or it sounds short. Even to me. But this has progressed a lot differently than previous relationships. In some ways, to say we go on a date at least three to four times during the week, isn't an understatement - because that's literally how often we grab lunch together after class. You take that and multiply it by four weeks in a month and three months… That's like 36 dates. That's just weekdays too… He's becoming probably my closest friend in the entire class too. I guess I may meet this all somewhere in the middle. Over winter break, I spent a lot of time pondering our relationship and felt like I might actually finally be feeling something that is real for once. But I think giving it a little bit longer to actually say it could potentially be best. Give myself a while to feel things and make sure they're real. If anyone else has any opinions or insights, I'm always glad to hear. I actually really, really love advice.
Allumere Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 That's not true for a lot of people. My good friend and her bf fell in love within a week; they just "knew". They had both been in long term relationships before. Sometimes that person can come along and you just "know" very early on that you're in love with them. It is, however, RARE! My current bf and I fell in love fast, too; within a month of first meeting. Where as my last bf and I took a few months to say " I love you" A poster on here who has a rock solid relationship and is madly in love with her partner said it after 3 months. They are due to get married. A lot of people take 5 or 6 months to say " I love you" Some people take a year or more to say " I love you" My exes best friend never said he loved his ex after more than a year of dating. And she was a gorgeous and fun model, who ticked " all his boxes" A poster on here is late 30's, and he knew he was in love after just 2 dates. And he definitely knows what being in love feels like. 3 months is NOT too soon, but not every couple will reach that stage within 3 months. Not all but it is rare. Sure, I know some folks that knew right away...I also know just as many that "knew" only to have their hearts broken. I'm 45 years old so have both seen and been through it all. I just don't believe in throwing those words around and too many people do not have a clue what it means. How many people have heard and said those words only to a few months later to have the relationship end? I would say the majority of people that come to sites like this. It is one thing for a relationships to end, but when those words are used it is that much more devastating and the reality is that after time passes the reality sets in that it wasn't true or for real. Those are the most important words you can say to anyone.
Author married2school Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Not all but it is rare. Sure, I know some folks that knew right away...I also know just as many that "knew" only to have their hearts broken. I'm 45 years old so have both seen and been through it all. I just don't believe in throwing those words around and too many people do not have a clue what it means. How many people have heard and said those words only to a few months later to have the relationship end? I would say the majority of people that come to sites like this. It is one thing for a relationships to end, but when those words are used it is that much more devastating and the reality is that after time passes the reality sets in that it wasn't true or for real. Those are the most important words you can say to anyone. I actually really agree with that stereotype/generalization. And I can see where I might seem that way, and to some extent, might partially be that way - at least relatively speaking. I can tell you though that I am a very prideful, independent, stubborn female who very rarely gives way to emotions when it has come to most guys. Looking back, I can say I've been "in love" with one guy, and I never said it. It did end a month later. But I can also say there was an extremely unequal contribution to our relationship, which is what, thank God, halted me from saying it. And I have matured a lot since then. To be honest, I had my heart broken whether I said it or not. That's okay though. You live, you learn. Like I said. Probably putting it off for a bit to think and ponder some more. I appreciate all the older wisdom from you all though.
EmilyJane Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Do you tell each other you like each other often? And has it progressed to telling each other you really like each other/like each other a lot? Give it a month after that if its initiated roughly equally by both of you and you're pretty safe that if you tell him you love him he'll say it in return. Well in my experience anyway.
Leigh 87 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Not all but it is rare. Sure, I know some folks that knew right away...I also know just as many that "knew" only to have their hearts broken. I'm 45 years old so have both seen and been through it all. I just don't believe in throwing those words around and too many people do not have a clue what it means. How many people have heard and said those words only to a few months later to have the relationship end? I would say the majority of people that come to sites like this. It is one thing for a relationships to end, but when those words are used it is that much more devastating and the reality is that after time passes the reality sets in that it wasn't true or for real. Those are the most important words you can say to anyone. It's not that rare. I know plenty of people who knew they were in love within the 3 month period...... or by 3 months.
Author married2school Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Do you tell each other you like each other often? And has it progressed to telling each other you really like each other/like each other a lot? Give it a month after that if its initiated roughly equally by both of you and you're pretty safe that if you tell him you love him he'll say it in return. Well in my experience anyway. Actually, yeah, we do. He is way more attentive and affectionate than any guy I've ever been in a relationship with. Long, tight hugs. Random kisses. Normally, I also feel like girls tend to push relationship milestones - like meeting parents for instance, but his parents were visiting from out of state and he really wanted me to meet them. I had no problem with that, but I guess what I'm pointing out is that I've never had a guy want me to meet his parents that soon. We both have played a HUGE role in calming each other down when exams get close. We're both able to just say things that puts the other back into a positive state of mind. There's just a whole slew of things like this that I think speak to how well we click and that each of us is putting an equal level of importance on the relationship.
EmilyJane Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) Actually, yeah, we do. He is way more attentive and affectionate than any guy I've ever been in a relationship with. Long, tight hugs. Random kisses. Normally, I also feel like girls tend to push relationship milestones - like meeting parents for instance, but his parents were visiting from out of state and he really wanted me to meet them. I had no problem with that, but I guess what I'm pointing out is that I've never had a guy want me to meet his parents that soon. We both have played a HUGE role in calming each other down when exams get close. We're both able to just say things that puts the other back into a positive state of mind. There's just a whole slew of things like this that I think speak to how well we click and that each of us is putting an equal level of importance on the relationship. Know what you mean - sometimes things move very fast with someone that you really fit with. I think three months is fine, but if you feel unsure about saying it then wait. There's plenty of time to say it, it's just openly acknowledging something that is already there. So lovely to hear such a positive promising story on here, can't wait to hear what happens next Edited January 4, 2014 by EmilyJane 2
winny Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Am sure a time will come when no other words apart from "I love you" will convey what you truly feel for him... When anything else, anything other words you choose will feel insufficient and incomplete... your heart will tell you... you yourself will be completely sure without any doubts or questions... that's when you say it... irrespective of how many days or months it has been....
Author married2school Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Know what you mean - sometimes things move very fast with someone that you really fit with. I think three months is fine, but if you feel unsure about saying it then wait. There's plenty of time to say it, it's just openly acknowledging something that is already there. So lovely to hear such a positive promising story on here, can't wait to hear what happens next Thanks. Actually, I don't think I was wrong in getting the feeling like it was about time to say that. He got back into town last night, and we went to dinner. During dinner, he, in his usually slightly awkward adorable way, said something along the lines of, "I really, really, really like you. I think I want to say the other thing. I feel that. Soon. But I can't now because…" I smiled, "Because you've already ruined the spontaneity of the moment? I've been thinking a lot about that too. I'm not making that up. I have. I like you a lot." It was definitely really weird for that to come up after posting this. Because when I got on here to post this, I hadn't been on here for nearly six months...
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