rumbleseat Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 There seems to be a stereotype that when d day happens, the bs begs the ws to stay, and that is the only reason they do. How accurate is this? When d day happened, how many of you bs told your ws to go and be with the ow/om? If you are a ws, did your bs cry, beg you to stay, threaten to harm the self, etc. ? Why did you decide to reconcile? I'm hoping for answers from people who experienced d day first hand and didn't just hear about it from someone else.
Broken One Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I asked my WS if she loved him and to wait and think about it. If so, I encouraged her to consider being with him.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I haaate those OW forums where the women say (Seems to be more women than men who say this...probably because we can be so caddy..me included, but I am working on it) "His wife made him stay because she threatened him and she made him and she is a bitch and he was afraid of her and ..." Huh? If a man wants to leave..he's going to leave. I did NOT beg my husband to stay. I told him to get his butt out of our house. He just tried, in a very calm conversation we had last week, to tell me he left. I reminded him I packed his bags and told him he was leaving because I'd found out he'd slept with an ex. I never asked him to stay and didn't want him to.I wanted his a.ss gone. The sooner the better. But I wanted him gone because the pain was excruciating. He had been cheated on by this same woman and had told me over and over and over again throughout our 11 year marriage he would never cheat on me because of what she'd done tohim. THen he did and WITH HER! I'm still in a lot of pain, obviously, but I "allowed" him to come home because he started talking to a counselor, looking for ways for us to heal, for ways to change himself, not what he'd done. That couldn't be changed. He looked for help for himself,to help repair the damage he'd done to himself and to recover from the severe depression he was suffering from. It has NOT been easy and there is much more to our story, but I was raised in a Christian home and was taught Christ believed in redemption and that anyone can be redeemed and can change. I still have doubts and wonder if this is possible, but I have watched him go to a counselor for past issues, something he would NEVER have agreed to in the past. I chose to reconcile because he chose to fight for me and himself. I chose to reconcile because I couldn't imagine my life without him. In those first two months, however, I was not sold on reconciling at all. I was a blur of emotions and emotional turmoil. I simply could not imagine my life without him in it. He has said once I told him that e had to cut contact off with her for us to go forward,but I don't remember ever saying that. It was a counselor who said that and he is the one who took those steps -- not because I threatened at all. I was too shell shocked to threaten! 1
compulsivedancer Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) There seems to be a stereotype that when d day happens, the bs begs the ws to stay, and that is the only reason they do. How accurate is this? On DDay, I wasn't sure what I wanted, but by the next day I knew. H (the BS) spent a week deciding whether he wanted to even try to R. A couple weeks later he spent another week deciding again. He asked me to get my ducks in a row and figure out where I was going in case he decided I couldn't stay. I planned to camp out on the lawn and refuse to leave. He planned to rent a UHaul, put all my stuff in it and drive it down to my mom's, so I wouldn't have the choice. He also considered driving it to OM's house and then taking the keys to my mom's and stranding me at OM's and making him deal with it. When d day happened, how many of you bs told your ws to go and be with the ow/om? He didn't, but see above. If you are a ws, did your bs cry, beg you to stay, threaten to harm the self, etc. ? I begged HIM to let me stay. He did not threaten harm, but he did say at one point that for the first time in his life he had considered harming himself. However, he did not say this to get me to stay. There were many many tears too, and still are sometimes, but because he was/is in pain, not to try to manipulate me. Why did you decide to reconcile? Once the fog began to clear, it hit me what I'd be losing in H if I left. We don't have kids or property together, so he would have wanted a clean break, which means I would never see him again. We had been together over a quarter of our lives at the point, and he has been my best friend since before we started dating. The thought of not ever talking to him again was unbearable. I didn't know if it would work, but I knew that if he was willing to try, I wanted to too. I'm hoping for answers from people who experienced d day first hand and didn't just hear about it from someone else. (10 characters) Edited January 2, 2014 by compulsivedancer 1
EverySunset Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) As a BS, I asked him to stay and R. Then trickle truth. And blame shifting. I tried SO HARD and fought to fix it. But I found out... He never stopped cheating. He had sooooooo many willing partners. In the end, he didn't stay because I asked him to. He stayed because he could cake eat since I was so gullible. Sad. We're done now. Edited January 2, 2014 by EverySunset 2
BetrayedH Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 On my Dday, I arranged for a PI to get me photo/video evidence and had a consult with a divorce attorney. Three days later I called her out on her bullshi t about how she was "trying" to make the marriage work. She broke down crying and agreed to my terms to avoid an immediate divorce. I did no begging. She told me she never intended to be with the OM long-term. I believe the affair ended that day. We ended up divorcing, primarily because she was still a liar and a coward. My guess is that you're an OW who has been left hanging after a Dday. Forgive me if my assumption is incorrect. Rest assured, the married man is not shackled in his basement. He chose to be where he is and it's an extraordinarily common occurrence for it to go this way. Of course there are exceptions. But thinking you're the exception is the rule. 7
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 When d day happened, how many of you bs told your ws to go and be with the ow/om? I told her I'd help her pack. Why did you decide to reconcile? If we didn't have kids, there would have been no reconciliation, but kids were not the only reason. She was a crying snot-blowing hysterical mess, she threw the other man under the bus immediately, and did everything I asked going forward. I knew the entire story of the affair, because she didn't delete anything and I saw all of their messages, so I didn't have any doubt as to what their affair was and what it wasn't. Also we had been married about 20 years, so we had a long history.
tired girl Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 On this last Dday, I also arranged for a PI as he was lying even though I had evidence. Three days later he was admitting and remorseful, I was saying I was done. I stayed and watched his actions for the next six months but was un committed to the marriage. His Dday, he was told beforehand but didn't believe me, was told 6 hours later that it was in fact what I had done. Since we were not living together at the time, he didn't ask me to come home for another five months. It was touch and go as to whether we were going to R. Prior to me doing what I did, I was trying to keep our marriage intact. Things changed for me after that. I tried hard in R, then he cheated again. There was zero tolerance in me after that. OW/OM need to know that cheaters lie. Very few know how to tell the truth. 2
Author rumbleseat Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Many years ago, I was a bs, but that's the past. I've just heard this myth for so long that I thought it might be good to debunk it. I know I didn't beg. I told him that if being with his ow made him happy, then that it was he needed to do, but that would be the end of our m. I wasn't going to force him to stay if he didn't want to. What's the saying about you never know what you have until it's gone? 7
BetrayedH Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Sorry, rumbleseat, I should have paid closer attention. Ironically, my hasty response was probably also related to my own desire to debunk this myth. I hate the thought of OW sitting around thinking that he's just trying to find the right way to leave. That reality is such a rarity. 4
underwater2010 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 There seems to be a stereotype that when d day happens, the bs begs the ws to stay, and that is the only reason they do. How accurate is this? 50/50 When d day happened, how many of you bs told your ws to go and be with the ow/om? Mind you that dday was well after the EA ended, but I told him if he was unhappy that he was free to go. Why did you decide to reconcile? He wanted the marriage and we have 3 kids and 14 yrs. I'm hoping for answers from people who experienced d day first hand and didn't just hear about it from someone else. Bolded from a BW
r4lamar Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 As a BS, I found an email while she was putting the kids to sleep. I waited for her and as she walked in our room and said, well guess we're getting a divorce. She then noticed the email up and picture on it and broke down sobbing. I spilled how selfish she was and how she doesn't care for anybody but herself. I asked her if she wanted it to be over and she told me no. I didn't want anything to do with her that night, and she said she would go to a friends house to stay. As I didn't try and stop her, she broke down even more sobbing, I feared for her - thinking she might hurt herself (she has never been a down person but she had been depressed for months before this, now we know from living with such guilt). I asked her not to go and told her to stay, we ended up talking thru the night and she told me everything, and she told me she would do whatever it took to make things work. Funny thing is as the next weeks passed and we started couples therapy, I told her she/we had to fix whatever drove her to that decision. A month later she ended up moving out, but we agreed to continue working on making this relationship work. Luckily OM lived in a different state, so I didn't have to live with that thought, I probably wouldn't have. Long story short, she moved back in 4 months later and has been the best partner/wife/friend/etc I have ever had. It is still a very hard road, and I'm still working on trusting her and will be for a very long time. but she still shows remorse, she still apologizes nearly every day. I think the good thing is she left and came back, and I had the chance to just let her go - The other day she told me "thanks for not running on me" and I answered "thanks for coming back" - meaning we both made clear decisions to come back and give it another try. 7
experiencethedevine Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 When I discovered my husbands near 4 year affair, I simply gave him the choice. His wife or his other woman. No screaming, ranting, crying or begging. I was (as my husband said at the time) too dignified for hysteria. Actually, I was in shock. He chose his wife. We have been married for 25 years. The event occurred 16 years ago. 6
Arieswoman Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Rumbleseat, It's not accurate. When I caught my exH out he confessed but only gave me part of the information and said it was "some girl he met in a pub after work". I told him the affair/association must stop NOW and he then said that he didn't want it to end "because he loved her". I didn't believe that it was "just some girl from a pub" and I suspected there was more to it than met the eye. I saw a solicitor the next day and two days later he got the divorce papers asking him to move out as I was instigating divorce proceedings against him. He was horrified when he read them, said they were "nasty" ( ! ) and rushed out of the house, no doubt to see her. When he came back he said he had told her that he didn't want to see her any more and that it was over. I told him I still wanted him out, as I couldn't stand the sight of him and that I didn't believe that he could ditch someone he loved so easily. Up to dd I had had 6 months of his bad moods, sulking, snide remarks, being put down, ignored, blamed for everything etc. I had been "gaslighted" very sucessfully all that time. When dd came it was a relief, as I now knew that a) I wasn't losing my mind and b) I had not one ounce of respect left for him. That made my decision very simple. I got my divorce about 5/6 months later 4
ChooseTruth Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 On D-Day when I found out she was pregnant and didn't know who the father was, she assumed I would divorce her right then. She spoke as if it was already over. I didn't beg, I simply asked if divorce was what she wanted. When she said no, I said I would try to make it work. She was hugely relieved. Things got much more complicated after that of course, but that was D-Day specifically. Eventually I was the one who drove the divorce process. There are lots of BSs here who threw the WS out, and eventually reconciled.
waterwoman Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I found some texts. He minimised. 24 hours later I asked for the truth (relative term I know). He told me her loved her I asked if he was leaving to be with her. He said no because he loved me too and it had ended with her. I didn't beg. I heard his answer to my question and I took it from there. If he had said 'Yes, I want to leave' I hope I'd have been brave and dignified enough to accept it, I hope I would, I think I would, but I can't be 100% sure of course. 2
dichotomy Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 When d day happened, how many of you bs told your ws to go and be with the ow/om? No - I simply said no more - NC - or we are done. Unfortunately I did not address the whole mess that was her life with OM and others - in MC until later. Why did you decide to reconcile? Two reasons 1) Out of commitment and 2)Because it was in my best interest (or less worse interest) to stay in the marriage. We are still reconiling all these years later, and I am still staying for the same reason. I'm hoping for answers from people who experienced d day first hand and didn't just hear about it from someone else. 10 characters.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 My husband did, on a couple of occasions, talk about doing himself in. The thing that bothered me the most was that he expressed this to our middle daughter and she was afraid - called the associate pastor (who was supposed to be our family friend but was an asshat) and that started the ball rolling with our names being read before the church. Anyway - the counselor finally told him to stop doing that. It was upsetting our daughter. And he never did again as far as I know. As far as begging? No there wasn't any of that. When he had his affair, I didnt beg him. My xmom? I really have no idea what happened there - there were lots of stories and I don't know what the truth really is. I think people stay for many reasons. The risk of leaving is far too great - especially if you have years invested - to risk it all for the unknown. I know for us, we had over 30 years, children, grandchildren, finances ( he was pissed when he found out we were in a no fault state), property, elderly parents who are failing in health, etc. My husband is so about reputation (although my affair being public didn't seem to concern him) and so he does know that if we split his affair will most likely become more public. There is a poster on this board that was in an affair and tried to reconcile with his wife for 4 years and eventually divorced. He always comments that he stayed because he did still have love for his wife, but it was the path of least resistance and most men want things back to normal as soon as possible. I think this is probably true a good portion of the time. 2
WasOtherWoman Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 My experience as a BS was many years ago. i did not beg him to stay, I said I needed time to make a decision, and that while I was deciding he needed to stay right where he was (he had, as usual, expressed remose about the affair, promised to never see her again, blah blah blah). In the spirit of total honesty, I can say that, while I had not decided right then and there that I no longer wanted him, I DID decide that she was not going to have him. 3
krazikat Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 There was no begging. I confronted and then started the process for divorce. I could not imagine myself staying with him...I was just so freaking angry and did not want to fight anger every day. I began imagining life without him... I told him to go be with her. He said he had no desire to be with her, that he has always loved me so much it scared him...our story is a bit different from many I see on here, feel free to check out my first posts... We had many talks. He changed his primary cell and handed me his affair phone before disconnecting it. He stopped drinking, drugs, everything. Got back to Jesus. What I knew is that my husband loves me. He holds my hand while we sleep. I wake up to him watching me sleep with a smile on his face alot...unless I have been snoring or something lol. I love him more than I have loved any man...I married his ass for a reason. So I am glad we are still together and that we chose each other...again. He is right where he wants to be, waking up each morning and going to bed each night right next to me. 3
Fluttershy Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 No one threatened, no one begged. The affair was never about love or leaving for the WS or AP. I think a bigger myth is the assumption that affairs are always about love and leaving. I think in general most people like to at least have control and a say in their life. When you are betrayed you just had ometging happen to you byond your control. If the WS just packs and leaves the BS is left grasping for something. So if there is any pleading or beggin on the BS side it s probably because they are trying to get some control back. They need time to think and feel and process but everything is moving without them and they are blindsided. If the discovery happens and the spouse WANTS to stay then I think it is easier for the BS to say "get out" or "stay" . The choice has been given back to them. With the former there is no choice, nothing. 1
whatatangledweb Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 When DDay happened I told if he wanted her to get the f*** out. He cried, begged me to give him another chance. He blocked her completely that day and never contacted her again. 3
TheBladeRunner Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Devastated, disemboweled emotionally, and destroyed, I begged of her only to tell me why. I had a place to live within a week and I was legally separated and moved out within 2 weeks. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. 6
thummper Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 There was no begging. I confronted and then started the process for divorce. I could not imagine myself staying with him...I was just so freaking angry and did not want to fight anger every day. I began imagining life without him... I told him to go be with her. He said he had no desire to be with her, that he has always loved me so much it scared him...our story is a bit different from many I see on here, feel free to check out my first posts... We had many talks. He changed his primary cell and handed me his affair phone before disconnecting it. He stopped drinking, drugs, everything. Got back to Jesus. What I knew is that my husband loves me. He holds my hand while we sleep. I wake up to him watching me sleep with a smile on his face alot...unless I have been snoring or something lol. I love him more than I have loved any man...I married his ass for a reason. So I am glad we are still together and that we chose each other...again. He is right where he wants to be, waking up each morning and going to bed each night right next to me. What a beautiful mental picture: "He holds my hand while we sleep." 3
MammaMia Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I never cried in front of him, I never begged, I never did any of those things. I confronted calmly: I sat down and had a chat with him. I told him that if he did this for ego purposes it would be easy to put a stop to it. I told him that he should ask himself this question: is this woman worth destroying my marriage for? Then he should proceed accordingly. I was calm for a while; the anger started coming out when I realized they were still in contact. That's when I told him to pack his stuff and go be with her if that is what he wanted. I also told him that I did not want anyone to be with me because of whatever reason other than REALLY wanting to be with me. He stayed and thanks to her unpredictability and stupidity , because of her behavior he put a stop to it altogether. We even served her with a trespass warrant. I decided to stay because at that time we had been married 33 years and I was not going to throw it all away for a bimbo ( she truly IS a bimbo) 1
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