Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Totally agree with you.!!!! NC is great but just as important is the mindset you need to have. The only goal for me was 100 percent indifference (the holy grail of recovery) and i did WHATEVER i needed to do to get there NC included. I would have sooner killed myself than break NC (well not really). You really need a strong desire to recover. What is this "whatever" exactly? haha
pickflicker Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 That makes us feel like if we were nothing. Well, that how I feel about my ex dating a "friend" of mine. Some people just move on faster. There's no right or wrong way. There's this whole business about waiting a 'respectable' amount of time, to not hurt the other person's feelings. Why? It's not about the other person, it's about what you want for yourself. If you want to date, date. If you don't, don't. But what another person does to move on is what they need to do. It's not something to be taken personally. 1
EuTuBrute Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Im 8 months out of a 2.5 year relationship...I am over her?.. No... HOWEVER, my state of being (happiness, confidence...ect) is returning to normality. So even though im still sad my relationship ended, it doesnt hurt me like it did in the first months. You have to realize somethings you cant control, but you can control yourself.
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Some people just move on faster. There's no right or wrong way. There's this whole business about waiting a 'respectable' amount of time, to not hurt the other person's feelings. Why? It's not about the other person, it's about what you want for yourself. If you want to date, date. If you don't, don't. But what another person does to move on is what they need to do. It's not something to be taken personally. Yes, that's right. I ws just describing the feeling. They need to make their own lifes as well.
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Im 8 months out of a 2.5 year relationship...I am over her?.. No... HOWEVER, my state of being (happiness, confidence...ect) is returning to normality. So even though im still sad my relationship ended, it doesnt hurt me like it did in the first months. You have to realize somethings you cant control, but you can control yourself. I tried my best to manage my feelings during the BU but found myself completely lost. And he was on hatred. Now I'm on hatred and he, who knows, I don't care, I just know my self steem is also coming back to normal, as well as my toughts, but I got this feeling of that something has changed. I've been having it since we had trouble. Anyways, I gotta go to my piano lessons now. I'll read this later, thanks everyone
Babolat Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I don't believe this works. Yeah the whole "meeting someone else" never works in my opinion 1
mantlefan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I want to date just for something to do, meet new people, have a good time even if it isn't for a romantic relationship, but at this point I honestly, selfishly hope my ex finds out and wants to try again (stupid, but it's a hope). I feel like that means I shouldn't, and there's the other person involved too. 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Other person? You mean your ex cheated on you, or something like that? I'm very sorry to hear this.... And yeah, i get it, i also feel this "want" to hear my telling me he was an idiot. But I actually don't want him back. He is trouble.
mantlefan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Well, I don't think she cheated on me, but I think feelings for the guy she is in "limbo" with right now (my friend, and I am not sure what to do about that, avoid him as well?) may have contributed to the breakup. The "other person" I was referring to was the person I would be dating. Maybe they are out to try to meet someone they could get serious about, whereas I am looking for someone to hang out with and as crazy as it sounds, try to forget about my ex while in the back of my mind hoping we get back together. Other person? You mean your ex cheated on you, or something like that? I'm very sorry to hear this.... And yeah, i get it, i also feel this "want" to hear my telling me he was an idiot. But I actually don't want him back. He is trouble. 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) Well, I don't think she cheated on me, but I think feelings for the guy she is in "limbo" with right now (my friend, and I am not sure what to do about that, avoid him as well?) may have contributed to the breakup. The "other person" I was referring to was the person I would be dating. Maybe they are out to try to meet someone they could get serious about, whereas I am looking for someone to hang out with and as crazy as it sounds, try to forget about my ex while in the back of my mind hoping we get back together. I see. I feel almost the same way. My ex is now seeing a girl who supported me during our BU.... She always showed up as worried about me, all sad, and said to me it was for the best... Then, a week after, they were, getting drunk together. I get the feeling like he is doing it only because he wants to show me how much he is over me. He knew she was my friend, he also knows she is a party girl. Or maybe he really likes her, Idk. There's a boy who I kinda feel I like, but not that much, like you say: it would be only to have a little conversation and nothing else more, just to pass the time. I don't want to be a selfish a**. So I can't do that to anyone. I still have some kind of hope. Not at the same level as it was on day one... But still. Edited January 3, 2014 by Mondmellonw
mantlefan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Yeah, the friend was listening to me and hanging out with me after the breakup and I asked him for advice, and he never told me that all during that time she was trying to get with him. It's hard to imagine that even with time he and I could really be friends ever again. I don't feel mad at him, I just am really torn about what to do about it. We go to the same church, may work at the same place in the summer (possibly with my ex there too). I don't feel like I should have to run away from either of those, but how can I really stop obsessing unless I get away. 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Yeah, the friend was listening to me and hanging out with me after the breakup and I asked him for advice, and he never told me that all during that time she was trying to get with him. It's hard to imagine that even with time he and I could really be friends ever again. I don't feel mad at him, I just am really torn about what to do about it. We go to the same church, may work at the same place in the summer (possibly with my ex there too). I don't feel like I should have to run away from either of those, but how can I really stop obsessing unless I get away. Yes, but how? :S At least this so called "friend" of mine lives in another city, and I don't have too see my ex everyday... I don't want to see him, that's for sure.
mantlefan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 And I think that I have to be honest with myself in that I hope, as much as I am trying to kill that hope, that since we fell in love there originally, she might fall in love with me again. It's almost like the place is a kid after a divorce. Something we both still love and want to succeed and do well, and that we both can positively influence, but in the process we have to interact with each other. It's good that you don't want him back. I hope I get there before this summer. If I don't, I still think the heartbreak would be worth it for the place we work. I've never had a child, but I'd imagine that a lot of parents would take a lot of discomfort around their exes in order to be there for their child. 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 And I think that I have to be honest with myself in that I hope, as much as I am trying to kill that hope, that since we fell in love there originally, she might fall in love with me again. It's almost like the place is a kid after a divorce. Something we both still love and want to succeed and do well, and that we both can positively influence, but in the process we have to interact with each other. It's good that you don't want him back. I hope I get there before this summer. If I don't, I still think the heartbreak would be worth it for the place we work. I've never had a child, but I'd imagine that a lot of parents would take a lot of discomfort around their exes in order to be there for their child. I guess we're lucky since we are not onto more complicated situations, that involve children or other people/stuff. Try to think about the weird stuff about her, the dislikes. If you can't think of anything wrong it would be a bad sign, haha. At first I couldn't, but I was too blinded. Now I know he is a drunk and selfish liar. So, yes, I pretty much don't need that type of man on my life. The type who only does what he needs in order to get what he wants, and then he refuses to be there for you. No.... Thanks. I mean, it's hard, we shared a lot, we had the same interests on music, videogames, we shared a lot, but still, he was a jerk.
mantlefan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 It was pretty hard to think of bad things about her before, and still is. The list of things I loved about her was about twice as long once I got writing. I am losing friends over this because of my honesty, and I think she would rather sugarcoat the truth. That's one thing I don't respect about her, she would rather avoid hurting someone than tell them the truth. The thing she doesn't realize is that hiding the truth just delays the hurt once it is found out. That's where the time factor is killing me. Maybe she meant everything she said In September it was "maybe we will still get back together, but my feelings aren't the same as yours right now, and I don't want you to assume it's going to happen, I want to be friends if we are careful." November was "I am not in love with you anymore, and I don't think we will ever get back together, I think we tried to be friends too soon." She seems to think "my feelings aren't the same" means the same as "I am not in love with you anymore." December I find out she had been after my friend since at least September, if not before. Maybe she was confused for awhile, since she seemed reluctant about the breakup when she did it, but I feel like she communicated more hope to me than there actually was. Maybe I am an idiot for insisting we be honest with each other, but I feel that since we can't really avoid each other completely, and we work together sometimes, there has to be some understanding. I don't know what to take out of this exactly. Maybe in the future, if someone is wishy-washy after a breakup, I should assume it's a no and act accordingly, even if I want to have hope. And if they do want to get back together, and I still want to at that point, who knows. But yeah, not being able to go NC (to be honest I had 100x more contact with her than I needed to) probably increases exponentially the time needed.
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