Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 my relationship last like 2,3months, it has been 5months + since that damn day and im not even healed. Not trying to be negative but i dont think there is any rule about how much time is it. It depends on how much that person means to you and how the break up happened. Well, im still very confused, hurt but it sure much better than day 1 This thread is helping me to get even more confused. The only fact here is everyone's different. Keep it that way, I hope you recover fully, may we become even better people when this is all over
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Getting over a breakup isn't about time, it's about acceptance. Forgiveness also helps. Thankfully, most people gain acceptance over time. This is why people think it takes time. How long will it take for you? We have no idea. It depends on you. If you plan on being over with it in three months but are not proactive about it, when three months will go by, you will still be upset. I'm struggling with this. When you loved and cared a lot about someone who just made you think you were nuts, your whole world turns against you. I don't know how to describe it. I just know I'm hating him now, I didn't achieved that on the first weeks. I also feel that leaving that relationship was a matter of sanity, there's no way back and now I accept it. Feeling much better today, just need to stop "hating".
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 It took me 7 months pure pure NC to get over a 8 year RS. I did everything text book. Greived the loss early on. Dove deep into the pain. Forced myself to cry and process all the emotions. Killed all hope early on. The i did the whole self improvement thing. Did meditation. Did positive affirmations. Hit the gym. Spent time with friends tried new things. Read tons of book. Prayed. Ecetera ecerta ecetea. Also deleted everthing and blocked. Went out a lot and make new memories even if i didnt feel like it. Went places i went with her to conquer my fear and retake territory!!! You name it it did it. A lot of recovery was forcing my self to feel positive even if i didnt. Fake it till u make it. At the end of the day it was really the pure NC and time and attitude.. I stuck to NC like a religion. Do this and youll recover. The 1/2 time of the RS to recover thing is pure BS. Cav Thanks, Cav. What you had there was pure discipline. I'm glad to hear your words. 1
Babolat Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Thta's like asking how big the universe is. With full NC (complete, unrelenting, NC), and plenty of things to occupy your time, most people should be noticing some differences in their demenour after about 3 months. But that depends on how much you dwell, how much you "accidently" text them, how long you spend wallowing instead of keeping your mind and body active, etc etc... Agreed, though for me, in my 3 LTRs, I did notice that after 3-4 months of full NC, I felt "healed" and ready to go again. 1
Babolat Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 It took me 7 months pure pure NC to get over a 8 year RS. I did everything text book. Greived the loss early on. Dove deep into the pain. Forced myself to cry and process all the emotions. Killed all hope early on. The i did the whole self improvement thing. Did meditation. Did positive affirmations. Hit the gym. Spent time with friends tried new things. Read tons of book. Prayed. Ecetera ecerta ecetea. Also deleted everthing and blocked. Went out a lot and make new memories even if i didnt feel like it. Went places i went with her to conquer my fear and retake territory!!! You name it it did it. A lot of recovery was forcing my self to feel positive even if i didnt. Fake it till u make it. At the end of the day it was really the pure NC and time and attitude.. I stuck to NC like a religion. Do this and youll recover. The 1/2 time of the RS to recover thing is pure BS. Cav Your crying comment spoke to me. I was the dumpee. I remember 3 times post break up I felt like I was going to cry, tried not to, finally let go and cried for 15+ minutes uncontrollably. And, I almost felt guilty afterwards, because, I did, feel better. 3
mantlefan Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) so it takes 3yrs to move on from 6yrs relationship? Don't think so I hope not. I was with a girl for 5 and that would mean I still have 2 full years to go... I don't know if we can go NC though since we both work for the same nonprofit and both still care about it. Edited January 2, 2014 by mantlefan 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Time or meeting someone else x I don't believe this works.
pickflicker Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I don't believe this works. Actually, it does. Meeting someone else, someone better, is the final step.
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Actually, it does. Meeting someone else, someone better, is the final step. But I mean, should I start dating now? Or you say this will eventually happen?
pickflicker Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 But I mean, should I start dating now? Or you say this will eventually happen? Where's the harm on going on a date? Few drinks, a couple of hours. You never need to see them again, if you don't want to. Give it a go. You've got nothing to lose. 2
cavalier99 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 But I mean, should I start dating now? Or you say this will eventually happen? I waited untill i was over my ex to really start dating and it really helped finalize the process. Early on going out with girls just made me miss my ex and cry at the end of the night. So i just tryed to focus on hooking up!!! 1
Simon Phoenix Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 It takes as long as it takes. I've had long relationships that I got over quickly and short relationships (like the one that brought me here) which took longer. But honestly, your healing doesn't start until you go NC and truly commit to it. I mean, if you have been broken up four months but you are still in contact obsessing about breadcrumbs, then your healing clock hasn't started. But yeah, for me, the first few weeks of NC were hard, it got better, had a relapse about 2.5 months in where I felt like crap, got over that and was pretty much ready to go after the five-month mark. 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Where's the harm on going on a date? Few drinks, a couple of hours. You never need to see them again, if you don't want to. Give it a go. You've got nothing to lose. I'm just 20. I also am not onto drinking, cause he had problems with this. I'm guessing that dating is not what I really need now.
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 I waited untill i was over my ex to really start dating and it really helped finalize the process. Early on going out with girls just made me miss my ex and cry at the end of the night. So i just tryed to focus on hooking up!!! Haha, I get it. Do hook ups helped you to gain some self confidence back, or it was just for the fun?
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 It takes as long as it takes. I've had long relationships that I got over quickly and short relationships (like the one that brought me here) which took longer. But honestly, your healing doesn't start until you go NC and truly commit to it. I mean, if you have been broken up four months but you are still in contact obsessing about breadcrumbs, then your healing clock hasn't started. But yeah, for me, the first few weeks of NC were hard, it got better, had a relapse about 2.5 months in where I felt like crap, got over that and was pretty much ready to go after the five-month mark. I see... How many time did you spent on that RL? I haven't contacted him and I blocked him in any possible way. I just knew about him for a mutual friend who didn't know about the break up. And it made me felt like crap at the momment, but I'm feeling much better today.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I see... How many time did you spent on that RL? I haven't contacted him and I blocked him in any possible way. I just knew about him for a mutual friend who didn't know about the break up. And it made me felt like crap at the momment, but I'm feeling much better today. Shorter than it took for me to get over it, twas barely a relationship. I just got hit by the lightning bolt. Honestly, there's no shot clock or time limit to this stuff -- it takes as long as it takes. And as far as hookups, they didn't help me at all, at least in the immediate aftermath. I went on a run after the break, but each one made me feel like crap. But of course, when I was ready to hook up with others, it became a lot more difficult. Such are the breaks 1
lop98 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Killed all hope early on. Went out a lot and make new memories even if i didnt feel like it. Fake it till u make it. I wish I could frame this. This and nothing but this (NC is what allows you to get away with the above by the way) is what got me through it. I almost reach the 1-year mark and I am over it. It took me 8 months but I could've done it sooner if I had not waited months to truly cut contact and ignore ignore ignore as if my life depended on it (it did). I built a life in my head that resembled the life and mood I used to had before I let him in, I wanted that back, that's actually all I wanted back... I decided to abide by that life I remembered but that could only be fake now, I would go out, I would talk to new people, I would laugh even if I didn't feel like laughing, I would talk to guys even if I was hearing in my head how this poor guy would never be half as interesting as the ex. I did it once and proceeded to repeat a hundred times. I don't even remember when I started to genuinely have a good time and a good laugh at my friends' jokes but it happened, one day I realized too I hadn't cried for him in months, it was the summer and new people were in my life, new guy, and finally love, and a good new job, oh and a new toned body, after months of going angry to the gym with the only purpose of draining myself and stop thinking about what he did. We all know what NC is: you drop that person off your life and actively work on recovering for as long as it takes and whatever it takes, you hand everything to destiny and if that means never talking again or falling in love with someone better for you and never looking back, so be it. So it's best not to cheat on yourself and think "do I still need NC after 3 months?" "should I reply" "why is he texting me?"... you know the answer and solution to that. We all did it and we all found it hard to come to terms with it but it is 100% possible. It doesn't mean time is magic and it has to progressively hurt less each time.... you relapse one night, feel the pain as fresh as that day when it all happened even though it's been months now, it's like an after shock, that stitch you remove from a wound that hurts more than the others... but relapsing doesn't mean anything other than you're still recovering, so you relapse, allow yourself to shed a tear or two, chin up and get ready for the next day. It will happen, and the fake life routine will happen, until you make it through. 2
cavalier99 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Haha, I get it. Do hook ups helped you to gain some self confidence back, or it was just for the fun? Hahah both. I was ok with a random hookups. However many people dont seem to do to well with this. Cav 1
Haydn Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 There are always things that knock you back sometimes, a memory here a misery there. A place, a date. But the longer you spend NC it gets better. I am now in a new relationship after all together 7 months of pulling myself back together. It is hard work but i am now starting to enjoy being with a new GF. She is not my ex and i am not her ex. Some days i can get meloncolly but now it passes quicker. Keep going as Simon says, no time limit.
David87 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 It took me 4 months to get over my ex( we dated for 3 years) , what helped me was the fact that she started dating and then I started dating. My ex who dumped me a month a ago, forgot about me after only one and a half weeks and now she has a new boyfriend.
cavalier99 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I wish I could frame this. This and nothing but this (NC is what allows you to get away with the above by the way) is what got me through it. I almost reach the 1-year mark and I am over it. It took me 8 months but I could've done it sooner if I had not waited months to truly cut contact and ignore ignore ignore as if my life depended on it (it did). I built a life in my head that resembled the life and mood I used to had before I let him in, I wanted that back, that's actually all I wanted back... I decided to abide by that life I remembered but that could only be fake now, I would go out, I would talk to new people, I would laugh even if I didn't feel like laughing, I would talk to guys even if I was hearing in my head how this poor guy would never be half as interesting as the ex. I did it once and proceeded to repeat a hundred times. I don't even remember when I started to genuinely have a good time and a good laugh at my friends' jokes but it happened, one day I realized too I hadn't cried for him in months, it was the summer and new people were in my life, new guy, and finally love, and a good new job, oh and a new toned body, after months of going angry to the gym with the only purpose of draining myself and stop thinking about what he did. We all know what NC is: you drop that person off your life and actively work on recovering for as long as it takes and whatever it takes, you hand everything to destiny and if that means never talking again or falling in love with someone better for you and never looking back, so be it. So it's best not to cheat on yourself and think "do I still need NC after 3 months?" "should I reply" "why is he texting me?"... you know the answer and solution to that. We all did it and we all found it hard to come to terms with it but it is 100% possible. It doesn't mean time is magic and it has to progressively hurt less each time.... you relapse one night, feel the pain as fresh as that day when it all happened even though it's been months now, it's like an after shock, that stitch you remove from a wound that hurts more than the others... but relapsing doesn't mean anything other than you're still recovering, so you relapse, allow yourself to shed a tear or two, chin up and get ready for the next day. It will happen, and the fake life routine will happen, until you make it through. Totally agree with you.!!!! NC is great but just as important is the mindset you need to have. The only goal for me was 100 percent indifference (the holy grail of recovery) and i did WHATEVER i needed to do to get there NC included. I would have sooner killed myself than break NC (well not really). You really need a strong desire to recover. 3
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Shorter than it took for me to get over it, twas barely a relationship. I just got hit by the lightning bolt. Honestly, there's no shot clock or time limit to this stuff -- it takes as long as it takes. And as far as hookups, they didn't help me at all, at least in the immediate aftermath. I went on a run after the break, but each one made me feel like crap. But of course, when I was ready to hook up with others, it became a lot more difficult. Such are the breaks Well, there is a guy who's interested on me. I'm interested on him too, but everytime I think about it I got some stupid flashbacks about my ex, and how much I liked him at the time. It totally kills my feelings for other guys. Maybe i still have him on a pedestal?
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 It took me 4 months to get over my ex( we dated for 3 years) , what helped me was the fact that she started dating and then I started dating. My ex who dumped me a month a ago, forgot about me after only one and a half weeks and now she has a new boyfriend. That makes us feel like if we were nothing. Well, that how I feel about my ex dating a "friend" of mine.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Well, there is a guy who's interested on me. I'm interested on him too, but everytime I think about it I got some stupid flashbacks about my ex, and how much I liked him at the time. It totally kills my feelings for other guys. Maybe i still have him on a pedestal? it's a natural comparison to make. First time I started dating a few months out I had the same type of thoughts. The longer you go, the less you'll have these thoughts.
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