pickflicker Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 And how much time does it take? Thta's like asking how big the universe is. With full NC (complete, unrelenting, NC), and plenty of things to occupy your time, most people should be noticing some differences in their demenour after about 3 months. But that depends on how much you dwell, how much you "accidently" text them, how long you spend wallowing instead of keeping your mind and body active, etc etc... 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Thta's like asking how big the universe is. With full NC (complete, unrelenting, NC), and plenty of things to occupy your time, most people should be noticing some differences in their demenour after about 3 months. But that depends on how much you dwell, how much you "accidently" text them, how long you spend wallowing instead of keeping your mind and body active, etc etc... Haha, well, I am sorry. I know it is a too general question. I had no contact with this person since a day he had an accident. I exercise everyday, play the piano and try to hang out. But I'm not interested on dating now. A mutual friend came to me two days ago and told me by accident (he didn't knew we weren't together anymore) that my ex is already dating... Well, he told me he saw him with a girl and he was like oh, he's cheating on you lol. I asked him to please don't say anything else about him to me. He's just jumping from one girl to another and it makes me feel like crap, and makes me wonder why can't I do that, why don't I want the same thing, why am I not interested on this... We were together for just 7 months. It has been 1 month and two weeks now. I guess it will be easier from now on.
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 I too want the winning lottery numbers. Yesh, sorry. How much time has passed since your BU? And how do you feel now?
pickflicker Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Haha, well, I am sorry. I know it is a too general question. I had no contact with this person since a day he had an accident. I exercise everyday, play the piano and try to hang out. But I'm not interested on dating now. A mutual friend came to me two days ago and told me by accident (he didn't knew we weren't together anymore) that my ex is already dating... Well, he told me he saw him with a girl and he was like oh, he's cheating on you lol. I asked him to please don't say anything else about him to me. He's just jumping from one girl to another and it makes me feel like crap, and makes me wonder why can't I do that, why don't I want the same thing, why am I not interested on this... We were together for just 7 months. It has been 1 month and two weeks now. I guess it will be easier from now on. Give it 3 months. 3 months is a good benchmark. You won't feel spectacular, but you'll probably feel better than you do now. NC is the key. The more strict the NC, the faster you can move on. 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Give it 3 months. 3 months is a good benchmark. You won't feel spectacular, but you'll probably feel better than you do now. NC is the key. The more strict the NC, the faster you can move on. Strict NC is hard since my town is very, very little. I live in Mexico. I hope he moves or something. Jk, However, I'll stick to this NC rule on the parts I can control... Thanks.
d0nnivain Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I once read that it takes about 1/2 the length of the relationship to fully get over a relationship. That's certainly not a hard & fast rule. People heal at different rates. 1
ponchsox Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 My last relationship was 1 1/2 years and after 3 months I'm almost completely over it with the exception of a few random thoughts and dreams. I'm going on my second date with a new woman. 1
RegretBreakup Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 so it takes 3yrs to move on from 6yrs relationship? Don't think so I once read that it takes about 1/2 the length of the relationship to fully get over a relationship. That's certainly not a hard & fast rule. People heal at different rates.
theothersully Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 as a data point, with the help of this forum, it took me 1 year to get over a 10 year marriage. 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 I once read that it takes about 1/2 the length of the relationship to fully get over a relationship. That's certainly not a hard & fast rule. People heal at different rates. They also say it's easier for the dumper. I'm the dumper here and it's not easy, since the terms of the BU were horrible and I wasn't sure of anything. 1
ponchsox Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 so it takes 3yrs to move on from 6yrs relationship? Don't think so No kidding, if takes that long you have some serious coping issues.
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 My last relationship was 1 1/2 years and after 3 months I'm almost completely over it with the exception of a few random thoughts and dreams. I'm going on my second date with a new woman. 3 months!? How did you make it? I'm glad to hear you're dating a new girl, I'll guess you'll take it slowly. Enjoy it.
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 so it takes 3yrs to move on from 6yrs relationship? Don't think so Then how much will it take to recover from a 6 years RL?
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 as a data point, with the help of this forum, it took me 1 year to get over a 10 year marriage. So it is possible to be completely healed after two or three weeks if the RL was only 6 months lenght?
carhill Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 IMO and IME, it's not so much a 'rule' but a process, and it is different and unique for each of us as we are all different and unique. Essentially, 'getting over' is a rebalancing of brain chemistry to a neutral state, with neutral describing how one 'feels' when not affected by stresses such as breakups. IME, the more emotionally bonded one becomes to another, and the more elemental their emotional 'life', the more processing is needed to balance the brain chemistry once that object of bonding is removed. One way of looking at it is the person who left died and was resurrected as another person no longer in bond. Grief for the death of the bond occurs, much like the grief of a loved one who dies. I happened to have my mother die about a month before my divorce was final so I grieved two different dynamics concurrently and could clearly reflect upon the processes and differences. A clear sign of the style of my emotional life shows me living alone over 3 years later. It took a good year to two years to completely work through the processes. Your time and process will be your own. Good luck. 1
theothersully Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 So it is possible to be completely healed after two or three weeks if the RL was only 6 months lenght? I don't know. That's just a data point to add to the pile. You need to collect many of these data points to try to come up with a rule or pattern. I suspect it's different for everyone. 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 IMO and IME, it's not so much a 'rule' but a process, and it is different and unique for each of us as we are all different and unique. Essentially, 'getting over' is a rebalancing of brain chemistry to a neutral state, with neutral describing how one 'feels' when not affected by stresses such as breakups. IME, the more emotionally bonded one becomes to another, and the more elemental their emotional 'life', the more processing is needed to balance the brain chemistry once that object of bonding is removed. One way of looking at it is the person who left died and was resurrected as another person no longer in bond. Grief for the death of the bond occurs, much like the grief of a loved one who dies. I happened to have my mother die about a month before my divorce was final so I grieved two different dynamics concurrently and could clearly reflect upon the processes and differences. A clear sign of the style of my emotional life shows me living alone over 3 years later. It took a good year to two years to completely work through the processes. Your time and process will be your own. Good luck. Thank you The loss of a family member is much harder than the loss of some arse. I'm just guessing it's way easier for dudes/guys when it comes to BU's.
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 I don't know. That's just a data point to add to the pile. You need to collect many of these data points to try to come up with a rule or pattern. I suspect it's different for everyone. Yeah, I guess. It drives me mad to think he's over it and I'm here like hating him, and then not hating him that much, and all this stupid cicle.
carhill Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Thank you The loss of a family member is much harder than the loss of some arse. I'm just guessing it's way easier for dudes/guys when it comes to BU's. IME, it depends. Some people grieve deeply over the loss of a life partner through breakup/divorce and little over a family member. Some the reverse, and everything in between. It depends upon the specific individuals involved, on both 'sides'. Men, in general, may 'appear' to 'get over' relationship endings, and death, 'easier', than women but, again, it's individual. What I've noted amongst male friends who have recovered quickly from death and breakups is that they are more adept at compartmentalizing their feelings. In essence, they put their feelings for the death/breakup in one specific box, slide that box away and it never touches any other boxes so the feelings, if they remain in the box, and the box is never pulled out and examined, remain forever hidden, both from view and ostensibly from active processing by the person. I actually learned a lot about this from watching my father, who saw a lot of death and violence during his service in WW2. He put that box away and never talked about it or acted it out, ever, and I would only learn his perspective from reading his papers/letters, which I did after he died. One, even a close family member, would never know the feelings which resulted from a life-altering event. That's how *some* men are. Again, individual. I'm nothing like that, even being socialized at his knee. I talk things out and am lousy at compartmentalizing. For a man, being good at that can be a literal life-saver, given what men are tasked to do in this world. As with everything, there are positives and negatives to each process. Anyway, I hope that addresses your response from a man's perspective. 3
Author Mondmellonw Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 IME, it depends. Some people grieve deeply over the loss of a life partner through breakup/divorce and little over a family member. Some the reverse, and everything in between. It depends upon the specific individuals involved, on both 'sides'. Men, in general, may 'appear' to 'get over' relationship endings, and death, 'easier', than women but, again, it's individual. What I've noted amongst male friends who have recovered quickly from death and breakups is that they are more adept at compartmentalizing their feelings. In essence, they put their feelings for the death/breakup in one specific box, slide that box away and it never touches any other boxes so the feelings, if they remain in the box, and the box is never pulled out and examined, remain forever hidden, both from view and ostensibly from active processing by the person. I actually learned a lot about this from watching my father, who saw a lot of death and violence during his service in WW2. He put that box away and never talked about it or acted it out, ever, and I would only learn his perspective from reading his papers/letters, which I did after he died. One, even a close family member, would never know the feelings which resulted from a life-altering event. That's how *some* men are. Again, individual. I'm nothing like that, even being socialized at his knee. I talk things out and am lousy at compartmentalizing. For a man, being good at that can be a literal life-saver, given what men are tasked to do in this world. As with everything, there are positives and negatives to each process. Anyway, I hope that addresses your response from a man's perspective. Thank you, I was kind of upset, but that surely helps a lot. I'm gonna give it a try.
emi Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 my relationship last like 2,3months, it has been 5months + since that damn day and im not even healed. Not trying to be negative but i dont think there is any rule about how much time is it. It depends on how much that person means to you and how the break up happened. Well, im still very confused, hurt but it sure much better than day 1 1
SurplusIndifference Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Getting over a breakup isn't about time, it's about acceptance. Forgiveness also helps. Thankfully, most people gain acceptance over time. This is why people think it takes time. How long will it take for you? We have no idea. It depends on you. If you plan on being over with it in three months but are not proactive about it, when three months will go by, you will still be upset. 1
cavalier99 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) It took me 7 months pure pure NC to get over a 8 year RS. I did everything text book. Greived the loss early on. Dove deep into the pain. Forced myself to cry and process all the emotions. Killed all hope early on. The i did the whole self improvement thing. Did meditation. Did positive affirmations. Hit the gym. Spent time with friends tried new things. Read tons of book. Prayed. Ecetera ecerta ecetea. Also deleted everthing and blocked. Went out a lot and make new memories even if i didnt feel like it. Went places i went with her to conquer my fear and retake territory!!! You name it it did it. A lot of recovery was forcing my self to feel positive even if i didnt. Fake it till u make it. At the end of the day it was really the pure NC and time and attitude.. I stuck to NC like a religion. Do this and youll recover. The 1/2 time of the RS to recover thing is pure BS. Cav Edited January 2, 2014 by cavalier99 4
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