Trouble with NC.. As the "dumper" ...

[OhThatGirl]

I'll give a bit of history here.. About a year ago I started dating someone a bit older. I'm 30, he's 45. Huge red flags at first. Seemed sleazy. Seemed afraid of commitment. Seemed to not be sure what he wanted. (Huh.. Maybe I should have trusted my initial instincts...)

 

I decided to give him a shot, figured I was making excuses for not wanting to date someone so much older.. Said I would give it 3 months and see how it went. Turns out we did have great chemistry. Both shared similar interests. Age wasn't ever an issue. From the beginning he started with a great deal of interest and it just kind of leveled off.. Maybe even wore down a little before leveling off. The signs he was afraid of commitment were everywhere. Didn't talk about his feelings. Never had conversations about what the expectations were. Skirted around the issues when I brought them up. For these reasons it stayed pretty casual. I would call it "dating" .. Once a week or every other week we would do dinner and maybe a movie and stay over. Texted daily or almost daily. He travels for work. I like time on my own. Worked out.

 

This isn't what I wanted in the long run though (as I had told him I wanted marriage and kids) so at about 6 months I told him it felt casual, I enjoyed his company but it didn't seem to be heading in the direction I wanted. I wasn't sure if he was seeing other people or not but I thought I would start seeing other people. He was ok with this, said (when asked directly) that he wouldn't like it but was trying to be fair.

 

Finally I had enough of him keeping things casual, not making me part of his life and told him this. He is awful at communication. Awful. Left to go on a trip with friends from my hometown, felt I'd made it clear I was going to focus my energy elsewhere. He seemed to keep in contact and asked to spend time together when I got back. Even told me he had missed me! (*gasp*) .. So we did. And it went very well. Over the next few months we were seeing each other more, making plans, he introduced me to his closest people, we painted and redecorated his house together... Going awesome. Told him I had been happy with how things were going. Told him I had made the decision to not see anyone else. He tells me he isn't seeing anyone else either. Cool. Things continue to go very well. We have a holiday party together. His friends tell me he seemed to be getting the urge to settle down now.

 

Then.. Something weird happens. A little distance. A little avoidance. He's still inviting me to do things and make plans but otherwise avoiding conversation. Tells me everything is OK. It continues a bit more and I cancelled our plans and figured he just needed some time to himself. He gets mad I cancelled and it creates a bit more distance. I'm leaving to go to see family for holidays and the day before I leave my assistant tells me she was matched with him on Match.com... And that he has been active on the site.

 

Lost it. Sent him a picture of the computer screen and FU. When he got it he responded that it was hypocritical that I could keep my options open and he couldn't. Said that he wasn't seeing anyone, that he would tell me if he were as we agreed.

 

Told him I didn't want or deserve this type of relationship. Told him I felt betrayed, hurt and embarrassed. Ended it. He said fine and ask for some things back. I dropped them off but felt pissed he hadn't apologized or tried to make amends and told him this. He made a couple excuses (it's old, not active... But he's still using it!) a bit more but still didn't apologize. (Of course all via text because great communicator that he is never talks on the phone)

 

Started NC after his "it's not active but your mind is made up so that's that" but broke down and sent him a couple messages about receipts of his I found the day after Christmas. He was polite and responded but it made me angry so I sent an angry text, realize what I'd done, lightened it up a bit and then went back to NC. It's been about a week now.

 

I know that there is enough here to rationally think I should walk away. His age, commitment issues (validated by his friends), the fact I can't trust him, his lack of communication, the fact he STILL has not apologized - even for how embarrassing it is that my assistant who had met him the previous weekend at a Christmas party was the one to be matched with him and have to tell me this!

 

If I know I'd be saving myself more trouble later why is it so difficult? I'm getting a mix of "you didn't give him a chance to make this right or apologize" and then "no way, move on... His loss!" depending on who I talk to. He hasn't tried to contact me. I've been NC since my bitter-oops-I-didn't-mean-to-be-THAT-bitter messages.

 

I did the right thing yeah? Can't trust someone who does this especially when they travel for work.. Right? :-/

[2fargone]

I think we have established one thing... You are angry.

 

 

I also get the impression that you both have a very passive-agressive way of communicating. And I think it's unfair to give his age as a reason to walk away. Then you might aswell say that your own age is the reason...

 

 

As to an answer to your question (and the 'justifications' you tried to sum up): I don't know. I think no one here knows.

 

 

Basicly, the way your post comes across makes me wonder wich one of you is better of without the other.

[SurplusIndifference]

For these reasons it stayed pretty casual. I would call it "dating"

 

at about 6 months I told him it felt casual, I enjoyed his company but it didn't seem to be heading in the direction I wanted. I wasn't sure if he was seeing other people or not but I thought I would start seeing other people. He was ok with this, said (when asked directly) that he wouldn't like it but was trying to be fair.

 

Told him I had made the decision to not see anyone else. He tells me he isn't seeing anyone else either.

 

Reading that, he said he wasn't seeing anyone at that particular moment. You didn't say he wasn't open to it.

 

You are mad at someone for something you knew they were capable of doing. You even told him, at one point, that you were opening to seeing someone else. When you told him you weren't going to see other people, did you talk, in no uncertain terms, about him not seeing other people?

 

Being that you are both terrible at communicating, I think you were on different levels of understanding about your "relationship."

 

What to do about it? I think you should walk away. If you want to talk about it with him, you need to talk about things in a way that there is no way you could misunderstand each other.

[headinthecloud]

Too much has happened. It sounds like you're simply incompatible. He doesn't seem to take accountability for his actions and then makes excuses when he gets caught being dishonest I'm sorry, as some may disagree, but NOT telling the person you're dating that you have open profiles on dating sites is being dishonest in my book. Being forthcoming is part of a healthy relationship.

 

You definitely deserve better. He sounds like an ass. You can do much better. Next time, go with your gut. Right, go full NC and move on.

[OhThatGirl]

Huh. Wasn't expecting this.

 

Yeah, I'm angry. I don't think I'm as angry as I was. And I'm actually a bit surprised it was *that* obvious from my post.. Hmmm.

 

I guess the bigger issue is that I've said I want a serious relationship, it feels like over the last few months he was making an effort to be serious about it (more time together, including me in his life, opening up more) but then he becomes distant, won't talk about it, and I find he is actively using a match.com site. Did I have to specifically say "so you aren't going to see other people? Are you going to cancel your online dating sites (which I didn't know he even had)? Are you going to not sleep with other women?".. I mean.. Do I really have to spell it out? At a point when a relationship feels serious isn't it enough to know you shouldn't be doing something? When we are spending 3 nights a week together does it need to be discussed that it was time to stop using his match.com profile?? I think it's a no brainer.

 

It's not just his age. It's his age and the fact he isn't married and doesn't have kids. Can't say these are things that he wants for sure. Just knows that he would tell me if they are things he knows for sure that he didn't want.

 

Feels like he's just getting by, doing what he pleases, without having to really commit and getting off on a technicality (because months ago when this got more serious I didn't list the 189 things I'd like him to not do?)

 

I feel like if I give an inch on this I'm being a doormat. I feel like when I tell him I'm incredibly hurt and embarrassed and he defends himself and says "well you say it's over so that's that" I can't come back to him to talk about it. What's left to say? "Hey I realize now that you didn't take our relationship as seriously as I did.. Would you like to start taking it seriously?"

 

I'm not sure. It just seems like I'm spineless if I let him make excuses I then take as valid reasons for thinking this is OK.