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Is wanting your ex back/getting back together with ex just prolonging the pain?

polynomial

By polynomial
in Second Chances

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polynomial Established Member

polynomial

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I had an on-off relationship for 1.5 years (were together for 2). My ex dumped me on several occasions and it was always me who crawled back (breaking NC and stuff). Everytime we got back together again, I always felt that this wasn't right, the feeling wasn't right anymore, but I still continued. Why?

 

I've realised, being dumped for good this time recently, that all I did by breaking NC and us getting back together, was just prolonging the pain that now I HAVE to go through. Because getting back together meant I didn't have to suffer at least 3 months (who knows HOW long in reality). But in reality, the first time he broke up with me? This should've been it for me. Because he did it cuz he had his REASONS. There were legitimite reasons he thought this relationship would not work for him or maybe even for me.

 

And the first time was 1.5 years ago! Imagine if I'd never crawled back, would've been healed by now I'm sure. Now I have to start all over again, plus there more memories to try and erase from my memory.

 

I guess the only positive thing I can take out from last year is now I know for certain what a disaster we were. However, I think I shouldn't have given our relationship a chance anymore a LONG time ago. It was just as if I was trying to postpone the inevitable. And guess what? It WAS inevitable. If they dump you once, chances are, theyll do it again.

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Complexus Member

Complexus

Posted
Posted
. And guess what? It WAS inevitable. If they dump you once, chances are, theyll do it again.

 

Exactly, Ive come to realize, that in a relationship there is ALWAYS, and I mean always one person that cares more. Wanna guess which person that is? The one who tries everything under the sun to keep it all together, and the one who makes the first move to comeback.

 

I speak from experience, 7 year relationship nearly to the day I got dumped this past dec 1st, everytime we had an argument and she wanted to end it, I was the one that talked her back into, I went above and beyond to win her back, only to suffer in the end.

 

Now she wants to be my friend HELL NO, shes never gonna be happy, nothing will ever make her happy. So Im content in knowing that leopards dont change their spots, but im still a good person, as are you :)

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Kevin_D Established Member

Kevin_D

Posted
Posted

Everything isn't black and white...

 

I really can't stand comments such as:

 

"If they dump you, it wasn't meant to be"

"If they really loved you, they wouldn't have dumped you"

"Exes are exes for a reason"

 

While that may be true, is doesn't necessarily that you are incompatible as a couple or that your ex doesn't care about you anymore.

 

The feeling of getting older and missing the boat can be really frightening. You see pictures your friends post pictures of them travelling around the world and partying. You think about your childhood dreams. While you really like your partner, you realise that this isn't exactly what you wished for. So you panic and dump your partner, before it is too late (aka GIGS).

 

Don't underestimate the power of peer pressure/Facebook/movies etc.:

 

Stanford prison experiment - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Milgram experiment - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Some people need to experience a different kind of lives themselves to realise how good they had it before. And while they usually can use this experience to figure out exactly what they're looking for in a partner, sometimes the perfect match can be found among the exes.

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polynomial Established Member

polynomial

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Posted
Everything isn't black and white...

 

I really can't stand comments such as:

 

"If they dump you, it wasn't meant to be"

"If they really loved you, they wouldn't have dumped you"

"Exes are exes for a reason"

 

While that may be true, is doesn't necessarily that you are incompatible as a couple or that your ex doesn't care about you anymore.

 

The feeling of getting older and missing the boat can be really frightening. You see pictures your friends post pictures of them travelling around the world and partying. You think about your childhood dreams. While you really like your partner, you realise that this isn't exactly what you wished for. So you panic and dump your partner, before it is too late (aka GIGS).

 

Don't underestimate the power of peer pressure/Facebook/movies etc.:

 

Stanford prison experiment - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Milgram experiment - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Some people need to experience a different kind of lives themselves to realise how good they had it before. And while they usually can use this experience to figure out exactly what they're looking for in a partner, sometimes the perfect match can be found among the exes.

 

Sure, but once they leave and then realise what they've left behind, why should they get a second chance?

 

They put their partner through hell and now that they've realised what they've lost, they want to come back. It's really selfish., Plus, it's *incredible* hard for the dumpee to trust them again and this in effect may cause new problems in the relationship.

 

Look, I realise everything isn't black and white and I agree that people may dump you out of panic etc. However, what tells me, if I take them back again, that they want panic about something new and them dump me again?

 

Maybe if they came back like.. 2 years later, but am I suppose to wait that long? Hell no.

 

If they came back like 2 months later or so.. I doubt that they've changed so much as to not panic over the same things or something else.

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pickflicker Established Member

pickflicker

Posted
Posted
Sure, but once they leave and then realise what they've left behind, why should they get a second chance?

 

They put their partner through hell and now that they've realised what they've lost, they want to come back. It's really selfish., Plus, it's *incredible* hard for the dumpee to trust them again and this in effect may cause new problems in the relationship.

 

Look, I realise everything isn't black and white and I agree that people may dump you out of panic etc. However, what tells me, if I take them back again, that they want panic about something new and them dump me again?

 

Maybe if they came back like.. 2 years later, but am I suppose to wait that long? Hell no.

 

If they came back like 2 months later or so.. I doubt that they've changed so much as to not panic over the same things or something else.

 

Well said. You're best to just move forward from the people that dump you. Wasting extra time hoping that they see the light is just...wasting time. There are plenty of people out there. Work through issues when you're together with someone, but if they walk away, don't fight it, just let them go.

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True Gent Established Member

True Gent

Posted
Posted

Thanks for posting this thread!

 

Reading threads like this and people's comments on it really do help you look at things logically.

 

I'm freshly dumped after 9 years together and I find the comments here very relevant and helpful.

Kevin_D Established Member

Kevin_D

Posted
Posted

Maybe if they came back like.. 2 years later, but am I suppose to wait that long? Hell no.

 

I've never gotten back with an ex so I don't really know how I would feel about it.

 

I was recently dumped by a 24-year old girl. We were together for 6½ years. I had girlfriends before her, so I quickly realised that there was something really special between us. However, I was her first everything. She doesn't have anything to compare with.

 

In my opinion, most people are idiots. People that I both can have fun with and discuss serious matters with, aren't that common. And I'm actually pretty sure she feels the same way. Or will feel.

 

I can't say if I would be willing to give her a second chance if she decides to comeback, because I'm quite jealous, but if I did, I don't think she would leave me again.

  • Like 2
Mondmellonw Established Member

Mondmellonw

Posted
Posted
I've never gotten back with an ex so I don't really know how I would feel about it.

 

I was recently dumped by a 24-year old girl. We were together for 6½ years. I had girlfriends before her, so I quickly realised that there was something really special between us. However, I was her first everything. She doesn't have anything to compare with.

 

In my opinion, most people are idiots. People that I both can have fun with and discuss serious matters with, aren't that common. And I'm actually pretty sure she feels the same way. Or will feel.

 

I can't say if I would be willing to give her a second chance if she decides to comeback, because I'm quite jealous, but if I did, I don't think she would leave me again.

If she told you she wanted to talk about everything, would you refuse?

Kevin_D Established Member

Kevin_D

Posted
Posted
If she told you she wanted to talk about everything, would you refuse?

 

Of course not. Sure, she treated me like **** when she dumped me and I won't forgive that unless she gives me a real good apology. But...

 

...Most of the time she treated me like a king. If some other guy tried to make fun of me, she would always sit on my lap and make out with me or hint that I'm good in bed. If I had a bad day, she would often buy me some candy or a beer or something to cheer me up. She was so loyal. Sure, we had some fights, but usually those were just results of us being tired or drunk.

 

It really hurts and I'm very disappointed that she dumped out of the blue, but I can't hate her or say that the breakup was for the best. I've started to accept that she isn't coming back and if she does it will most likely take several years. But after all those wonderful things she's done for me during these years, I hope that I would be able to forgive one mistake, even if it's a major one.

True Gent Established Member

True Gent

Posted
Posted

 

In my opinion, most people are idiots. People that I both can have fun with and discuss serious matters with, aren't that common. And I'm actually pretty sure she feels the same way. Or will feel.

 

 

I think that is a very good point. Someone you can discuss the most important things in your life with, talk about your feelings with and have fun with isn't exactly something you find easily.

 

Like you my ex has nothing to compare me with. I think she's in for an eye opener. That is my comfort, she's blew it now and she'll have to live with that when she finds the grass isn't greener.

thompkevin Established Member

thompkevin

Posted
Posted

Hey polynomial. I am not a moderator here but I think the appropriate way to deal with a spam is to just mark it as spam and a mod will delete it. By quoting him, you are reposting his spam which is still here even after his spam has been deleted.

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