so many problems, abused doormat, cannot cope.

[dozer561]

i know logically the relationship was toxic, but i am so lost without her, i know i am co-dependent now.

 

when we got together she was 24, i was 28

 

we were together for 7 years, i am 35 now.

 

: moved in together within 1st year of relationship

: first 3 years great, some fighting, nothing major, loving and affectionate relationship. sex a few times a week, went out, had fun, had friends, partied, etc.

: she lost her job, went on unemployment. everything went downhill after that.

:i paid all the bills except her car payment, i also did all the shopping, all the cooking, had dinner ready everynight when she came home, walked the dogs, did all the dishes and cleaned the house, while i was working my steady job.

 

:she was lost, she decided to go to college to get a degree in physcology. chose an online school, university of pheonix. i knew from the beginning it would put a strain on our relationship. but i knew i was there to support her choices and take care of us for our future,

 

: she spent soo much time doing schoolwork over the last 4 years we became basically roomates, and when she was working, it was a crappy part time job she hated, she was allergic to everything, and hated the florida heat even though being born here, so she was miserable most of the time.

 

: she was always too tired for sex from then on, even though it was great when we had it. or her allergies, or too much school work, not in the mood etc. and everytime i tried to initiate it i got turned down.. so i had to wait for when she was ready, maybe once a month when she would throw me a go signal. i was always ready, i always was affectionate. she lost any use for affection. and then i get "the talk" about i never TRY, and she had to initiate it all the time, well i told her flat out i gave up trying from constant rejection. can you imagine what that does to someones self esteem and confidence? to have your partner always turn you down?

 

eventually it got the the point, when she was done with her schoolwork, she would come out to watch tv with me before bed, and i would have to go sit on the other couch so she could lay down and relax, she didnt want me there with her.. she also wouldnt cuddle in bed, bedtime = lights out, roll over back turned, sleepy time.....

 

never cheated, never abused her......

 

long story short we stopped going out, we lost our friends, because she started getting violent when drunk, throwing temper tantrums.. and storming off drunk everytime we went out, because it was time to go home, and she wasnt done partying, got so bad she got arrested and kicked a cop one night, so now she has a felony on her record because of it. She lost her contact lense one night and flipped a lid, had to carry her crying and screaming to the car....

and every morning, she would cry and say she is sorry, and i would take care of her all day, bringing her water, and soup etc.. for her hangover..

 

so that sums up the past 4 years progression.

 

i was no prize sometimes, i will admit, it got to me and i would yell and scream and fight back.... F u, etc, many I hate you's thrown between us...

 

so she always kept saying she wants marriage and kids, and i kept putting it off because of the problem we had that came in cycles, i want kids i want marriage, but at the end, i told her flat out, we need to work on communication and affection before we take that next step..

 

so she decided that wasnt good enough for her and she wanted a break.

 

she moved out 4th of july this year, to her mothers, an hour away. and after no contact for a month or so-ish, she wanted to try dating again, we went out every weekend and had a blast, loving, affection, good times, etc...... so we talked about working on communciation, and affection, and eventually moving forward and getting married.. couple dates in, after having sex, she stood there naked and started crying,. saying she missed me, and loved me and she wanted to come home....

 

well: now she had to pick a her masters program for college, and she chose an actual school, not online, so she decided to move to her dads an hour south of here. and basically abandoned me saying sorry, im working on MY future. all this 7 years i was working on OUR future. so she let me go...

 

december 9th she came and got the rest of her stuff...

 

what makes this so hard is she gets to have a chance at a great life, and now im doomed to be alone.. she moved in with her dad stepmom and brother, has alot of family down there, has a new school to go to, full of people to meet, getting a job, parting in the city, and starting a brand new life. and i am basically left completely abandoned, no friends, no life, no support structure. just my job and my dog...

 

even my dog is depressed, adopted at 1yr old from a foster home, he has been around other dogs and cats all his life with me and her, now he is just by himself with me, he just lays around all day and stares at me no matter what i do. he goes for walks 5-6 times a day, and is fine outside, but inside he is a lump, same as me...

 

my friends the few i have, which are all not local, say just go online dating, even my mother said the same thing, go online dating,.... well i guess they dont understand, i lost my best friend, partner, someone who i loved and took care of for years and was basically thrown away like useless trash when i didnt fit her plans... i cry everyday., im a 35 year old man who cries himself to sleep at night every day, and all day long at work when im alone......which is most of the day...

 

and add the icing on the cake, when she was moving her stuff out i was just fiddling with mail and such so i didnt have to watch it happen. , and found a letter from the blood donation i did a month before, turns out i have hepatitis C, Great, now one more thing to deal with....

 

so even though i never had any "GAME" before, with the ladies, now i have this burden....... and even if i did decide to TRY to go out and meet some people i have this to deal with now.....

 

I am basically ready to just become a shutin, and die alone, but i really do now want to do that....

 

someone pry these rose colored goggles off my face, i know she was bad for me, and she treated me like crap, but why do i feel like the total loser... i really pray for death almost everyday sometimes.. im about to look for a therapist, but i dunno if it will help...... there is alot i left out, im sure, any questions ask, i am an open book...

 

kinda wrote this on the fly......

[dozer561]

ohh to add, this was my first xmas alone, i literally spent it alone, no tree, no friends, no presents for her to open... same for new years eve, alone... her birthday is in january, so that will be hard, then my birthday is valentines day, and that was always a special day for us, being a double holiday etc... then our anniversary would be in march.. so this is a multi month chain of events of memories that is just crushing me....

[Yasuandio]

You do not want to be the title of your post, hopefully. Therefore, the obvious conclusion is that this woman is not for you. This is what you must accept first. Read your post and identify the number of pros and cons about this woman's history in the relationship. Doesn't look promising.

 

Next - you got to pull yourself up by the bootstrings, and get out of the pity party. You are already making progress in this area by making plans to consult a therapist. You do sound extremely depressed, but I am not a medical doctor. I suggest you get to an MD also asap.

 

Now - take her out of the picture, and decide what you what would make you happy. Do you want to stay at the current job and location? Do you want another pet to liven up things? (I had to get a puppy - same problem you had. My older dog was depressed that he abandoned us, and she felt my depression as well). Getting the puppy woke us both up! It was a good move here. You have to start thinking of what you want your life to be as a single person. This will take some time.

 

Prepare for the grieving process. There is some good reading material on that in the long at my signature line.

 

Remove all of her stuff and any reminders.

 

Stay totally NC.

 

Implement the 180's. (links for NC and 180's also contained below).

 

This will get you started. Very sorry for your pain. You will get through. But it is all about you now, period.

 

Yas

[lollipopspot]

even my dog is depressed, adopted at 1yr old from a foster home, he has been around other dogs and cats all his life with me and her, now he is just by himself with me, he just lays around all day and stares at me no matter what i do. he goes for walks 5-6 times a day, and is fine outside, but inside he is a lump, same as me...

 

Consider getting him a buddy. You would go to the shelter and have him meet different dogs to see who he likes.

[dreamingoftigers]

One thing that we must learn as a hard, hard lesson as codependents is that relationships will mean nothing to those who don't invest anything into them.

 

If your girlfriend had to do pathetically little to solve her own problems, she wasn't going to solve them. She had you to bring her water and soup after drunken abuse.

 

She didn't have to pay bills or buy groceries. She got a degree on your time.

 

So what investment did she lose in the relationship ending?

Nothing. Because you made all of the investment.

 

She will suck the life out of any guy that will put up with that. She'll attract another set of guys that will and the ones that won't will kick her up the curb.

 

There's a difference between being a "nice guy" and a supportive partner" and someone who is just asking to be used and drained.

 

Somewhere along the way someone told you that you would have to sacrifice everything for love.....go the distance.....her before you.....make it last forever.....limited options blah blah blah

 

And after she's gone, you seem to have let her take your life with you.

 

You don't sound like you are doing a single nice thing for yourself.

No wonder you don't like yourself and you feel isolated and like "it's all over."

 

Imagine if you treated YOURSELF the way you treated her.

Made yourself a nice dinner. Took yourself for a walk on the beach. I know it causes anxiety at first. There's something about us that tells us "if we can't keep a partner because we must just be worthless." But it isn't true.

 

We can't keep a partner when we don't take care of OURSELVES and have a partner SHARE taking care of the relationship.

 

Time to get a life my friend. You can't live vicariously through your screwed-up partner anymore. And honestly, you can do it again. Because I say so. There be codependent to that. Tell yourself you are dependent on taking my advice to not be dependent on others. Figure out the conundrum later after you do it.

 

Man, I had it so bad. I was so worn down that I had to fight myself to get myself a stick of fresh scent Dove deodorant because I like the smell instead of going for the absolute cheap crap. When I did that I felt like I loved myself. That's how bad it was. $3.49 made the difference.

 

What's the last truly nice thing you did for YOU. Not like "I had beer" or any of that self-destructive crap. What's something small or nice that you can do that is entirely indulgent "just because" you were thinking of you?

 

Also, I suggest reading Taming Your Outer Child. Getting past the first chapter is really dry though.

[dozer561]

you are right i do not want to be "my post title"

 

i do not want to get another dog.. i may look into fostering..

 

Thank you guys for your input, i may have wrote the post pretty quick.

 

Let me say i am NOT suicidal, at all.. new years basically put me at square one with the breakup. she did steal my life from me, and now i have just too many issues to deal with at one time, so it is very hard for me right now..

 

I thought i was supporting her for our future, which is what i would think you do when you love someone. We were supposed to get back to normal and settle down when she graduated, I never even thought i was being taken advantage of, but now i see that. I feel like i was cheated out of a relationship being left like this with basically nothing and no idea where to start to start a new life.

 

i love my job 8yrs at, and the area i am in.. so not going anywhere.

 

I do not want her back, but there is that emotional attachment there for sure. heart is dumber than brain. The loss of our future, and possible family, the loss of a 7 year relationship i fought so hard for. What she is doing now, does she think of me, The thoughts of her sleeping with other men (which im glad to say this thought does not happen often i am good at blocking it out most times) I could write a huge list of great memories, but i can also write an even bigger list of negatives. All the thoughts i am having now are irrational mind racing etc.. i know that.

 

It annoys me that she has so many ways to cope and move on, she was married before for 4 years, so she already went through this sorta thing once basically.. and has school/work/family support etc.. i struggle that i do not have that...

 

i have a couple good friends i have confided in, but i cannot burden them for months on end...

 

i have been busy with work, but i will edit add more when i get a chance..

 

one thing that makes me reallly sad is the thought of being forgotten, i know they will never FORGET you, but when you become just a part of someones past and no longer thought of, that stings mentally even though i shouldnt care, but i care, because i loved her for so long.... hopefully i can get to that point of forgetting and moving on, its something i struggle with when you are with someone for so long as their "present tense" thoughts, and future thoughts, and now you are being pushed to just a memory. i KNOW this is irrational thinking, it just sucks no matter what way i look at it...

 

Thank you for all your input, any more is greatly appreciated..

 

i joined a gym... still debating/looking for therapist.. maybe im just in initial BU stage thoughts all over again.

 

i feel like i am just rehashing evrything i have been reading in everyone elses posts, but i wanted to finally register and tell my story... thank you..

[dreamingoftigers]

I know it sucks to be in that place.

It feels really lonely.

 

Like YOU were the only one really in the relationship.

[dozer561]

i am having a really hard time with the lonliness and sadness currently, seems i have so many obstacles to overcome at once, and nowhere to start.

having no real close local social circle really makes it tough. and i am a bit bitter that she has so many ways to cope and explore a new future and i was left with nothing. everyday doesnt feel like the first day she left anymore, but i still break down now and again everyday at some point. lots of "i miss you" and "what do i do now", "why did you throw away 7 years"... because she wasnt affectionate, and couldnt communicate with me? i never gave up and she just walked away. i Guess i feel totally abandoned.

 

just venting i suppose.... just gave up drinking a couple days ago, was getting bad after she left, and i know its not doing me and my liver any good.. just finished a workout at home. But just feel empty.

[mendsley]

Dozer, the sad thing is YOU are the only one that will help resolve the pain, loneliness, sadness, etc.. The reality of it is, you will fall into a world of perpetual depression/sadness if you just sit there and let it consume your mind. You have to fight this crap! This may sound crazy, but when I was low...REALLY LOW, I thought about someone I really respected (looked up to) and asked myself "would this dude be sitting around thinking about all this shït in the past allowing some dumbass chick to control my emotions?" Fúck no! Reclaim your mind by actively working on doing shït. If you are not already, get your a$$ to the gym, start running, start MMA/boxing, etc.. or whatever you need to do to build your confidence. Then after a minute, get your a$$ out there and talk to women. You will be amazed how quick you bounce back! I say this from experience! Work on it man!

 

Mike