k100danny Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 so me and my ex split up around 6 weeks ago, it was my choice and i have since regretted it but we have both said we know it can't go back to how it was and that's what we have both been holding onto. we both ended up at the same place last night after a day of saying no you go i will stay home, ect i decided to go anyway we both just said we are adults it's not like we can't just both go and have a good nights. anyway i saw my ex after about 30 minutes there and it was very strange, i could see her and it was the girl i love but also totally different too, our eye met a few times but we stayed at different parts of the club and didn't get in each others way. I wasn't seeking her out but did see her looking around quite a bit (maybe me just thinking she was looking for me but thats how it seemed) anyway i decide im not having a great time, nothing to do with her and it didn't really bother me she was out, wasn't looking to see if guys were hitting on her ect but just wasn't really feeling being out, i decided i was going to leave about 11.45 pm and go to my parents which is literally 150 yards away and see in the new year with my mum and dad. now a quick look at to where we were, i had said id like to try again but i knew of the difficulties and she had said the same, if we could just go back to how we were we would do it but the break up had been very hard on her, she was angry at me, annoyed, felt like she didn't know who she was ect and this was similar to how i was feeling. she asked that we now move on and as hard as it is i know that is for the best. anyway on my way out im thinking do i say good bye? do i just ignore her altogether even though i have no hard feelings and i know she is mad at me but she is also nice toward me just struggling with the break up. so anyway as im walking out she walks right next to me just by chance and i take the chance, tap her on the arm and just explain that im leaving, that it has nothing to do with her im just not having a great night but i just thought i woud let her know (she could relax now and not be looking over her shoulder ect) but i also wanted to wish her a good new year. I could see she found it hard, quite hard to look at me but at the same time didn't want to say goodbye, she said she was glad i had said something and not just left, she gave me a hug, we wished each other the best and i left. so im walking to my parents and literally within 2 minutes i get this message. and this is how the conversation went. her: that was pretty difficult,i wasn't ignoring you i just didnt want to be in the way. have a good new year x me: Don't be silly i know you weren't, it was never going to be easy the first meet but i wanted to say goodbye. you too x her: Thank you im glad you did, it just didn't feel enough if you know what i mean. anyway i don't want to make it into a big thing, enjoy your night and the rest of your year xx me: I didn't really know what else to say other than goodbye and i think it will have made it easier for us now weve at least talked. have a good night x her: Thank you, I kind of wish you had stayed but i wish you the best xxx me: I would have just been stood around, none of my close friends were there and i'd have been forcing myself to stay out. it's nearly midnight go and find your friends it's nearly time for the countdown. x her: we did but it still felt awful, have a good new year xxx me: sorry i thought it would be easier at at midnight too. you too xxx her: happy new year then x her: I was seriously waiting for you to come back but i can see this is drawing a line in the sand an i do really wish you all the best and good luck with everything xxx NOW IM THINK WTF!!! me: I didn't know what else to say. I would have been forcing myself to stay and you had all of your friends and i just wanted to be with my family. I wish you all the best to xxx her: thats nice of you, it was so hard you leaving though, I don't know why but a small part of me thought we would bring the new year in together. i wish you and your family all the best xxx me: yeah it was hard but it was also different, you couldn't look me in the eye properly. I think it was better than you did it with your friends. thank you for your good wishes give them to your mum and sister for me too xxx Then nothing, it seems like very push pull and i said i can't do this again on christmas eve, like she doesn't want to go back, i asked to try again and then when it seems like im doing a bit better with things she seems to be struggling and it pulls me back in. I haven't sent another message and she didn't reply to that so i'm putting it down to either she realised it had changed, one of her friends distracted her and stopped her from getting in touch or she just realised she had had a bit to drink and wouldn't feel like that in the mornging. anyway needless to say i had an awful nights sleep. I know we shoud just leave it, i do love her but we have both changed and it can't go back but i would have liked to give it a go early on. I just don't want this to keep coming back, she can't see we need to move on then give any hint of it not being that way. sorry this is jut my new year rant.
K100dssm Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 If anyone can give me their opinion on this it would Be much appreciated. (I am the original poster I just have a different account I use from my phone as I can't retrieve my password)
k10k Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Sounds like she's also having a hard time letting go, she might still be confused.. which is natural after a breakup. It's tough for both of you. Your options: - try again (but you already asked her to try again) - give eachother the space and time to heal and detach, no contact, the only way to end the back and forthing... you know the drill.
Author k100danny Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Yes i did ask her to try again but this wasn't for quite a while and during the first few weeks i felt so bad for her, I knew she wanted us back together and i should have took this oppertunity but i didn't. I was feeling so anxious at the time and i didn't know how much of a relationship I could offer her, I still don't. I do think it's also a case of the pain is so bad right now even though i am the one who ended it we both think that being back together would be better than this or should i say feeling the way we did together but that doesn't mean being back together is for the best. I also don't know if i can feel how i did before, i know it would take a long time to get over the feelings i have now and if we aren't going to try again then NO CONTACT is the only way to go. I haven't got in touch today and she didn't send a reply to my final message, she may not have gotten it (this sometimes happens between our phones) but im not going to message and say did you get this ect that would look desperate if she did. I do love this girl and do truly want her to be happy and i think she has a better chance of that with someone else that was my reason for ending it in the first place. so i will stay NC. if she gets in touch i will think twice before replying as i think she has the right to move on also and it feels like it is past repair now which it didn't for the first few weeks. it's like talking to a stranger now in some ways and i also don't feel like i know who i am anymore, i just look at my phone every 5 minutes and can't focus on anything else.
k10k Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Yes i did ask her to try again but this wasn't for quite a while and during the first few weeks i felt so bad for her, I knew she wanted us back together and i should have took this oppertunity but i didn't. I was feeling so anxious at the time and i didn't know how much of a relationship I could offer her, I still don't. If you weren't and aren't sure, then you did the right thing by not getting back together I do think it's also a case of the pain is so bad right now even though i am the one who ended it we both think that being back together would be better than this or should i say feeling the way we did together but that doesn't mean being back together is for the best. Yes indeed, getting back together would end the immediate pain - quick fix, but it wouldn't really fix the underlying problem - it would only drag things out a little longer.. I haven't got in touch today and she didn't send a reply to my final message, she may not have gotten it (this sometimes happens between our phones) but im not going to message and say did you get this ect that would look desperate if she did. I wouldn't worry about this now.. it's just a minor detail.. the big picture is that you both need the space to move on. I do love this girl and do truly want her to be happy and i think she has a better chance of that with someone else that was my reason for ending it in the first place. You should be proud of yourself for that.. it's hard to let someone go, but it sounds like you were thinking of her, which is more than most people.. it's like talking to a stranger now in some ways and i also don't feel like i know who i am anymore, i just look at my phone every 5 minutes and can't focus on anything else. yea, I know the feeling.. Maybe put your phone in the cupboard or something, helps take your mind off the damn thing
Kilty Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 (edited) Forgive me, but have you posted the reason or story behind the break up ? The reason i ask is you say you love this girl but think she has a better chance of being happy with someone else ? Surely if anyone should think that then its her and not you. The text message conversation does not suggest this is a girl that wanted to give up and if you ended it then it's unlikely she is willing to come back at the first time of your asking as she would have been acting on pride at this point Also let me know your ages Personally i think that was your chance to get back together and you have blown it - unless deep down it is not what YOU want Edited January 2, 2014 by Kilty
Author k100danny Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 I have yes but this is briefly what happens we started to drift apart as i have an anxiety disorder and my panic attacks ect started to return, we werent going out much or seeing each other much and i was feeling very guilty that she had to put up with these issues and kept thinking there is someone who can offer her a lot more. she insisted that it was no problem to her but continued to get more depressed and was snapping at her family and friends and not sleeping properly and finally admitted that it was something to do with us also that was making her feel that way (one of my biggest worries) at this point i said I don't know when i will feel well again, and i'm not sure if i can be as close as you want to be at the minute, i had hardly worked in two months, was constantly anxious and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I told her all along right from the day we broke up that this wasn't something i wanted to do but i feel i have to do it because im getting more worked up and stressed worryign about you and thats making me more anxious and making me just want to be ok, and you're getting more depressed that we aren't closer. I said i think she would be better off with someone who doesnt have these issues and i do truly think that once a few months has passed and she meets someone else she will see this too, just because you're happier in a relationship than the minute it ends it doesn't mean there isn't better out there for her. As for the text conversation i didn't want it to get all lovey because weve been back and forth a few times, it feels like it might be ok then she seems angry and to resent/hate me which is fair enough after a break u. but like i say i had constantly said you have done nothing wrong and i couldn't have asked for more but i feel so guilty and i think you can do better. as for our ages there is quite a big gap but i am very young for my age mentally and she is very grown up. our ages are shes 21 and im 30.
Kilty Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Well i think the fact that she put up with your issues for some time shows how she felt about you but if you keep telling someone that they can do better then eventually they will come to that belief. Have you seeked medical help for your anxiety disorder and/or is there some particular issue that exaggerates your condition ? You dont need to answer that. It is a rhetorical question that im sure you will be aware of. I suggest that you try and alleviate this issue either on your own or with professional help before you attempt to enter into any sort of relationship if being in one makes your condition worse. Being in a relationship with someone you want to be with should not have the effect of making you more anxious provided you are not hiding something from them - which obviously would.
strive Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 from your back and forth messages, I think you guys have the potential to get back together. not right away. maybe in a few years when you both have healed and worked on your issues. it's hard but I think you did the right thing that night. hang in there.
headinthecloud Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 The wounds are too fresh...you both need time apart. Don't go back until you've worked out your issues or you will continue the same pattern in your RS that caused you to BU with her. You clearly both love one another but there is a big age gap so look into the true cause of the issues that you felt warranted a BU. if you really believe you can't make her happy then let her go. As they say, "if it's meant to be...". Good luck.
Author k100danny Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Thanks for the replies I have been seeking medical attention and therapy for my anxiety, it does make a relationship harder and i do tend to stay out of them because of it because i feel i can't do as much as other people and feel everyone has the right to a good relationship. You are right that she stood by me and i am very greatful for her doing this, it's one of the things i loved about her. I do think the best option would be for me to work on my issues and then see if i can have a better relationship, just very angry that i have this issue as it has ruined past relationships but she was the first one to stand by me. There is a big age gap but like i had said i am quite young for my age, she is very grown up and it wasn't really an issue, i dont want kids for a few years, she said she would ideally want them roughly the same time. we both have no hard and fast dream that we would be letting go because of the other. I think i will just not hold out hope but see what happens in the future. i would honestly have loved to give her everything i think she deserved but i am worried i can't because of my condition, but until i deal with that i would be in the same boat. Thanks again
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