babyb3 Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 I've been dating a guy 2.5 years long distance before we discussed me coming to live with him. It's now been 3.5 years. In November of 2012, we decided in order to keep our relationship, I would have to move to his home state. He was still in grad school and I was pretty aloof. Working part time jobs and just trying to make ends meet. Our plan was that in February of 2013, I would move out there and test the waters. However, it didn't go as planned. Financially, it wasn't happening and I was really struggling with moving. He shut down emotionally and became very disappointed it was taking "so long". We stayed together though and decided to wait until I had money under control and he could help me a little more but working overtime. Our new date was July of 2013 and eventually we were both satisfied with this. But again, that never happened. In May of 2013, I found him on a dating website of the worst kind. It was very similar to Craigslist hookups. At first, he swore it wasn't his. He had been set up. Then, he swore he never used it but was having an off night, Feeling lonely and depressed. He lied and we argued for a few weeks. He admitted to LSD, smoking weed, and alcohol. He'd go out with girls and go to raves with his friends. All things I'm against in a relationship. I broke up with him. It's just not something I could put up with and be happy. Over the course of the summer, he would come back and try to prove that he'd change. Sometimes it would work and we would temporarily get back together. Sometimes he was just a huge ******* and would emotionally manipulate me. It had become a toxic relationship. From September-November of 2013, we had completely stopped talking. I was pissed beyond belief and he was as cold as ice. Around Thanksgiving, he Skyped me randomly one night and we had a long talk. I could tell he had changed. He was his old self. I could tell he still really cared for me and it felt like he was doing better. I almost believe he was just going through some crisis during that time but got out of it. He asked to come visit me. I told him it was too soon. I told him I didn't want to jump into anything and I definitely wouldn't be moving there anytime soon, but I was up for getting to know each other again. People make mistakes and LDR's aren't for everyone. We both put up with a lot and I was completely willing to rekindle very, very slowly. We've been talking periodically since but it wasn't until last night that I came to a huge realization. He may not lie anymore. I actually think he doesn't lie at all. However, he omits facts. Details. Kind of like "don't ask, don't tell". I'm pretty certain he's still talking to other women. Still drinking and doing drugs. He hasn't mentioned any of those things, but my gut feeling is that he is and just doesn't want to ruin our new little "situation" we got going here. Has he changed? I think so. But not enough to be someone I'd move for or trust completely. In person, I think we'd be okay but I don't think for a second he'd be faithful and 100% see through to me if we were apart. That is what matters to me. What he's like and how he treats me when were apart. Not just when we're together. Yeah, he's not going to smoke, drink, or cheat when I'm there. But what happens when I'm not? We talked last night and wished each other a happy new year. I think I'm going to leave him in the past. I don't think I'm going to ever respond to his messages. I think I'm going to leave him in 2013. If I do that, is that really cruel? Do I owe him an explanation? A quick "This isn't going to work". I don't trust myself in doing that. I think he would rope me back in and I'm not sure I want to be. Do I owe him an explanation if it's going to waver my decision?
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 I think u have just explained why dumpers go silent.. Fear of being roped back in because they do still have feelings for that person x I thought my ex was completely cold & heartless but that made me look at it differently x You need to do what is best for u although I do think 1 quick text to explain would help him to move on rather than leaving it open ended which makes things much harder x
Author babyb3 Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 I think u have just explained why dumpers go silent.. Fear of being roped back in because they do still have feelings for that person x I thought my ex was completely cold & heartless but that made me look at it differently x You need to do what is best for u although I do think 1 quick text to explain would help him to move on rather than leaving it open ended which makes things much harder x This is by no means typical. Most dumpers go silent because they just stopped caring and need to move on. I dumped other guys and it was just because I lost feelings and didn't want a relationship anymore. No need to talk to someone you aren't going to have in your life. I'm only doing it like this now because he's manipulative.
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