Can married people have single friends of the opposite sex?

[the_entertainer1]

I'm a single 24 year old woman who works as a teacher. Two years ago, I was working at an exclusive school where the majority of other teachers were in the 35-65 age category. At first I struggled with this socially (and I think some assumed I wouldn't want to befriend them because of the age gap) but made an effort to connect and some of them are now really good friends of mine.

 

I've had a bit of an unusual friendship with one guy in particular. He's 50 and married, but not in the same social group as the others I hang out with. I taught both his kids over two years and met his wife once or twice. He was one of the first people I met when I first started there when we were both supervising the same after school activity (with a few other teachers too). My contract finished and I've been working at another school for the past 2 years. We've kept in touch and sometimes he's consistent with communication, other times he's not. We caught up for a drink after work a few months ago (I was meant to return some books he lent me but forgot them) and I thought he was kinda flirty, asking me if I had a boyfriend and when I told him I was single he asked what my type was, etc. Since then I've been trying to get in touch with him so I can return his books but he's been a bit elusive.

 

What's the deal? Can married people have single friends of the opposite sex? And what's up with my former coworker?

[radiodarcy]

I think they can - - but it's a slippery slope and I imagine would depend on the comfort level of each party involved.

 

I'm single but there are a lot of married couples where I live and I tend to limit my communication to the wife only.

 

I've come to understand that there's an unspoken rule that it's not appropriate to meet someone who's married alone - - be it for drinks, lunch, whatever.

 

In your case, I think he was being inappropriate in asking you the questions that he did and that he very well may have an attraction to you.

 

He probably came to realize both of these things and backed off.

[Mrlonelyone]

Yes. Most people set a hard boundary at marriage so even if they did feel something, a real friend would never even push it. If they push that boundary then a married person will loose that friend and break contact.

 

What's more is a spouse, SO or partner trying to break your ties with opposite sex friends can be the first step to them socially isolating you (from same sex friends and family those are the next step)... then they can abuse you.

 

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Emotional Abuse is a Type of Domestic Violence

 

Notice isolation from friends is the first step, it always starts small and reasonable, with opposite sex friends. Consider such a request from a partner a yellow flag.

 

As for your coworker, some married people flirt more than single people. In part being married gives confidence that single people don't have.

[happywithlife]

Married people can have friends of the opposite sex but only if all people involved are good about boundaries and are transparent. I have a good male friend who also happens to be married to one of my best female friends. If I am going to hang out w/ just George, I always exend the offer for my boyfriend to join us. If my boyfriend can't join us, I don't hide any details of the event from him. And, we have always been platonic with no flirting between opposite sexed friends. If flirting begins, you've crossed a boundary that needs to be respected.

[gaius]

I think they can - - but it's a slippery slope and I imagine would depend on the comfort level of each party involved.

 

I'm single but there are a lot of married couples where I live and I tend to limit my communication to the wife only.

 

I've come to understand that there's an unspoken rule that it's not appropriate to meet someone who's married alone - - be it for drinks, lunch, whatever.

 

In your case, I think he was being inappropriate in asking you the questions that he did and that he very well may have an attraction to you.

 

He probably came to realize both of these things and backed off.

Indeed. At 50 his wife is probably way sick of him by now so he flirts a little with the pretty young teacher who's willing to have lunch alone with him even though he's married. Probably took the very fact lunch was agreed to as permission to go a little further since boundaries were a little blurred.

 

It takes two very special, less than sexual people to keep a opposite sex relationship completely platonic with no sexual dynamic whatsoever. And there aren't that many people that are that kind of special in the world.

[the_entertainer1]

And he is wrong and messy. But you also.

For using the book thing as a excuse to keep hanging

Around him.

if you meet for the books you cant forget exactly the books.

And you can just drop them at his school with his name on it

so they can give it to him at the reception.

 

This dude is nota friend he just asked you some stuff and

if you did not like you should have told him rigth away.

 

If he want something from you it will be just sex with

A young naive 24 years old girl.

 

So stop any contact with him.

 

Thanks for your ideas. I'm not actually "using the book thing as an excuse to keep hanging around him." I like his company and he helped me through a tough time when I was switching jobs. Despite the age gap, we have a lot in common. I guess I'm just confused about why he's being a bit hard to pin down to catch up (which led me to wonder if married people have single friends of the opposite sex.) I can be a bit naive at times though - hence the question!

[gaius]

Married people can have friends of the opposite sex but only if all people involved are good about boundaries and are transparent. I have a good male friend who also happens to be married to one of my best female friends. If I am going to hang out w/ just George, I always exend the offer for my boyfriend to join us. If my boyfriend can't join us, I don't hide any details of the event from him. And, we have always been platonic with no flirting between opposite sexed friends. If flirting begins, you've crossed a boundary that needs to be respected.

Just wait till you both get drunk or he starts having marital issues and see what happens.

[the_entertainer1]

Just wait till you both get drunk or he starts having marital issues and see what happens.

 

Is this aimed at happywithlife or me? Lol. I'm only interested in friendship with the guy. After the time we had drinks I made a mental note to myself not to drink alcohol if I'm around him in the future - just to be safe.

Edited January 1, 2014 by the_entertainer1
Clarification

[BikerAccnt]

I'd say yes, but only if your spouse is aware of the friendship. If they aren't, and you are keeping it from them, you need to ask yourself why.

 

If it was a friend you had before you were married, that's a different issue.

[xxoo]

Yes, married people can have single friends of the opposite sex, but they should be "friends of the couple"--not someone who is only friends with one spouse and not the other.

 

In the case of your married friend, is he the same 50 year old coworker that you started a thread about last year? The one you had a crush on, and wondered if you were moving toward being the OW? If so, that's a highly inappropriate choice of "friend".

[carhill]

What's the deal?

Hard to know what's in his mind

Can married people have single friends of the opposite sex?

Absolutely and, as xxoo mentioned, they are friends of the marriage, in that they socialize with both spouses separately or as a couple, and have firm boundaries of behavior

And what's up with my former coworker?

 

My conjecture is that he was fishing for attention, looking to start an affair, or is devoid of appropriate boundaries as a married man. Invite he and his wife over for dinner to learn more. Good luck.

[the_entertainer1]

In the case of your married friend, is he the same 50 year old coworker that you started a thread about last year? The one you had a crush on, and wondered if you were moving toward being the OW? If so, that's a highly inappropriate choice of "friend".

 

Yes, it's the same guy. No, I don't have a crush on him anymore - I kinda realised how 'old' he was (I'm not being "ageist" as I have older friends too - I woke up one day, wondered why I was attracted to someone so much older than me, and realised that I was no longer attracted to him. Last year when I posted, I was letting my imagination get ahead of me (and didn't have any intention of pursuing/being pursued by the guy - I still don't). My initial post was more out of precaution. I realised that I always have a say in what happens in my life and I wouldn't accidentally (or on purpose) become the OW.

 

Having said that, I do like this guy as a friend. He's given me lots of advice about working in the teaching profession and was willing to give me advice about an overseas trip I was taking, to a country where he used to live. (He even said I could drop by his place and pick up some travel books when he forgot to bring them to school - his whole family was there, don't worry!) Maybe this will sound weird, but I feel almost proud of myself that I overcame the initial awkwardness of the age gap to make friends with those older than me.

 

Now I just want to get the books back to him. I could technically drop them off at his school, or give them to a friend to pass on, but it would be nice to catch up and have a chat. However, as I said in my first post, he's being a bit elusive and I don't really know why.

 

As for your other point:

Yes, married people can have single friends of the opposite sex, but they should be "friends of the couple"--not someone who is only friends with one spouse and not the other.

I agree, in most situations. However, I don't think it's likely in this one. Sure, I'd be willing to give it a try. But I barely know his wife and I can't think of any logistical way we'd even socialise.

[HokeyReligions]

Yes of course. Single people can have opposite sex married friends and married people can have single friends of the opposite sex. Im married but im not my husbands Siamese twin. He bought a christmas gift for his female single friend. They joked about "what will your wife (me) think!"

 

It doesn't have to mean or lead to anything you don't want it to. IF YOU DON'T WANT IT TO is the key thing. Talk to the guy. Ask him what he means. Tell him you suddenly feel uncomfortable. Communicate with him.

[Silly_Girl]

Yes they absolutely can.

 

But that's not at all what your thread was about. This guy isn't looking to be just friends so I don't think you should mix the two thoughts up.

[the_entertainer1]

Yes they absolutely can.

 

But that's not at all what your thread was about. This guy isn't looking to be just friends so I don't think you should mix the two thoughts up.

 

I'm not that experienced with these sorts of things - can you please tell me what makes you think he's not looking to just be friends? Like, what should I look out for?

[the_entertainer1]

I'm not that experienced with these sorts of things - can you please tell me what makes you think he's not looking to just be friends? Like, what should I look out for?

 

Anyone ... ?

[WasOtherWoman]

We caught up for a drink after work a few months ago (I was meant to return some books he lent me but forgot them) and I thought he was kinda flirty, asking me if I had a boyfriend and when I told him I was single he asked what my type was, etc. Since then I've been trying to get in touch with him so I can return his books but he's been a bit elusive.

 

 

Firstly, I do not believe it is appropriate for a single person and a married person to be friends (but of course, this is just my opinion). My husband and I both abide by this, as we are both smart enough to know that is simply asking for trouble Don't put yourself in a situation where your marriage can be threatened.

 

That said, this particular married man should know better than to a) meet with you alone and b) act flirty and c) ask you about your type, etc.

 

This behavior, right there, can lead to no good. He is looking to open the door to see if he is your type. Whether it will lead to an actual affair, who knows? Regardless, it is inappropriate behavior.

Make sense?

[the_entertainer1]

This particular married man should know better than to a) meet with you alone and b) act flirty and c) ask you about your type, etc.

 

This behavior, right there, can lead to no good. He is looking to open the door to see if he is your type. Whether it will lead to an actual affair, who knows? Regardless, it is inappropriate behavior.

Make sense?

 

Yes, it makes sense. I'm a very analytical person. When I got home, I was confused about the whole thing and wrote everything down. I don't know why - I just like to write (as you can probably tell.) I suppose that when I was at the pub with him, I was trying to be extra aware of possible flirting coming from him, so that I wouldn't give him any wrong signals. Anyway, this is what I noticed that I found to be unusual:

 

He:

- joked that it looked like he was at the bar with his daughter

- mentioned that he had to text his wife to tell her of his plans, and joked that she'd asked if he was meeting his girlfriend.

- asked if I had a bf (I always hate when people ask me this, because I don't have one!)

- when I said I didn't have a boyfriend, he asked about my 'type' (I didn't really elaborate as I didn't want to give him the wrong idea).

- perceptively commented that I could come across as naive, and said that some guys might take advantage of that

- said I was 'an attractive girl' and that I'd find a nice guy

- made a comment that highlighted our age-gap

- joked about spiking my drink

- said we should do it again, with a lady I currently work with who he went to uni with (we haven't.)

 

Actually, now that it's a few months later and I'm re-reading this for the first time ... it is quite an unusual conversation for former coworkers (even friends in such circumstances).

 

I wasn't over-reacting though, thinking that he was flirting?

[Snipercatt]

Less like flirting and more like lechery. Ewww!

[the_entertainer1]

Less like flirting and more like lechery. Ewww!

 

Odd as it sounds, I wasn't grossed out by it. More like just concerned, knowing he's married.

[Snipercatt]

You should be very concerned about anyone talking about spiking your drink. It isn't joking.

 

Rather than being tossed to and fro wondering about appropriateness, after the fact, sit down and establish your boundaries, now. Then when a boundary is crossed you can shut down thd inappropriateness by saying that's a boundary you don't cross and that you expect the person to respect you and respect your boundaries.

[Sand Man Dan]

Thanks for your ideas. I'm not actually "using the book thing as an excuse to keep hanging around him." I like his company and he helped me through a tough time when I was switching jobs. Despite the age gap, we have a lot in common. I guess I'm just confused about why he's being a bit hard to pin down to catch up (which led me to wonder if married people have single friends of the opposite sex.) I can be a bit naive at times though - hence the question!

 

Him giving you attention and then drawing it back hooked you like a trout.

 

He helped you through a tough time? Great. Nice guy. But this is all quite transparent. Each gesture, each theme present in communication; it's easy to place their origin. It's simple to see the intent. It's almost unavoidable to acknowledge. Almost.

[Snipercatt]

Or, his wife told him no more socializing with the young teacher chick that came to the house that time.

[the_entertainer1]

Him giving you attention and then drawing it back hooked you like a trout.

 

He helped you through a tough time? Great. Nice guy. But this is all quite transparent. Each gesture, each theme present in communication; it's easy to place their origin. It's simple to see the intent. It's almost unavoidable to acknowledge. Almost.

 

 

Lol at your "hooked you like a trout" comment. I guess it intrigues me, even though I don't want to pursue anything beyond a friendship with him.

 

 

What do you mean by it's "transparent"? Can you please elaborate?

[Snipercatt]

But this is all quite transparent.

 

As was explained, it is eash to place the origins of each gesture, each theme, etc.

 

That theme is LUST. Yours and his. Your lust is what is intriguing you. You described it as a crush, which I think that you think is innocent.

 

Your crush is really you lusting after a married man and attempting to disguise it as a friendship. He isn't fooled. He smells your musk from a mile away. Own it, don't camouflage it as something more presentable.

 

One of your boundaries might be that you don't permit yourself to have one-on-one meetings, coffees, lunches, etc. with married men. At least not with ones that you lust after. You are free to return his books to the receptionist at the school and move on. That way he can't read into the fact that you "forgot" them the first time. Or drop them off, while he is at work, with his wife at their house Just something to consider.

 

Investigate your motivations and own them.

 

Have you worked on your boundaries of appropriateness regarding relationships?