Dumped and he won't return my calls - I just want some closure

[sally1981]

I was dumped on new years day. We'd been dating for 3 months, a short time but we had gotten very close. His exgirlfriend returned from 6 mo abroad, she started calling and 2 days later he breaks up with me. When we started dating he told me about her but said he was ready to start dating again. I trusted him. It was an issue for a long time between us and it took a lot of trust on my part and a ton of reassurances (that I guess were false) from him. I'm a fool for having dating him against my better sense when I had a feeling he might not be over it --- the point is that I just want some closure now. There are some questions I have and things I want to say to him. When he left my house after the breakup I was an emotional wreck. Now I just want a decent ending - some closure. He refuses to return my calls or emails. I've told him that all I want is to put this in the past and move on after we talk. Am I asking too much? I know I need to just stop trying because I'm going to look like a psycho. What do I do now? tell him off? let it rest? I feel like I have to say or do something - like an email at least - just for my own sense of dignity. I guess I just don't want to seem so pathetic because I know I'm going to have to run into him.

[GreenCap]

Sally

 

It's tough being dumped on new years day when most couples are using it as a platform to another year. This was my first new years in 4 years without my ex after breaking in late Sep. 2004. When she left, she didn't provide much of a coherent thought as to why she didn't want to continue a relationship of 3 years; living together for 2 years.

 

Like you, I was desperate to try to salvage the relationship and wanted to understand her motivations and justifications. But ultimately, she never did disclose anything and anything she did say were stuff that she knew a long time ago such as watching too much tv etc. But what it was is that she was building up and latching on stuff to make her leaving justified when all along she met someone new.

 

In your case, we do know that your guy went back to the ex. What can you elicit from him that would make you feel better...there is nothing except for him to grovel back to you to ask for your forgiveness and to take him back. Trust me, I have been there and sometimes no closure is the closure you need.

 

Hopefully, by not contacting him and demonstrating your neediness of him (don't boost his ego), he may in fact wake up and think straight. I am not saying neediness is a bad or good thing....but coming from his perspective, he has his girl already and anything weakness you show to him will only make you the butt of his jokes to his current flame.

 

This is not tough love advice or being empathetic, rather a realistic extrapolation of my situation to yours. Hope things will stay well with you!

[iceisles]

I'm with GreenCap. If you aren't familiar with No Contact (abbreviated NC), you may want to read up on that some. Distancing yourself from him and not initiating contact will benefit you greatly. Take my word for it.

[xxsilverdragonxx]

I wear a bunny suit and break no contact with contact using a baseball bat?

[Pocky]

Vengeance is such a waste of energy..

 

I suggest just moving on.

[SoleMate]

Closure is definitely important, but here's the twist, you don't get it from the EX, you give it to yourself. You grieve, cry, get angry. You scream "IT'S OVER!!!" out your bedroom window at night. You toss all the little souvenirs in a bonfire. You construct a story as to why he wasn't able to appreciate you. And you move on.

 

Your r/s was 3 months long. Perhaps next time, it would be wiser to get to know a person for longer before you give your heart away. He was on the rebound. I know he told you that he was over her...and you know what? It's likely that at the time he said it, he was 100% convinced it was true.

 

Your dignity is best served by accepting the reality that he is gone, and NOT asking for any contact, any more. Paradoxically, a truly heartless man would be playing you like a violin right now, or equivocating until you want to scream. It took some guts for him to be honest with you - "I'm not going to be with you any more" is something that few people can say cleanly.

 

You put this in the past by NC. Block his email, phone, IM, MSN, etc. etc. etc. Learn from this if need be.

[EnigmaXOXO]

As for your question about "closure," I could not state it anymore eloquently then Soulmate already has.

 

But I would like to address this part:

 

I'm a fool for having dating him against my better sense when I had a feeling he might not be over it ---

 

No you're not.

 

No you're not.

 

No you're not.

 

And it's best to squelch that little inner voice right now - the one that's trying to hold you accountable for someone else's actions. Nip it in the bud PRONTO so that any lingering 'trust' issues don't spill over into future relationships.

 

No one should ever hold themselves accountable for believing someone else's lie. No one should berate themselves for caring enough about someone to give them the benefit of the doubt. That's what you're supposed to do when you are in a relationship. There is absolutely no fault in trusting. The responsibility falls to the one who betrays that gift of trust. That "feeling" you had about this man could just as well been paranoia. The fact remains, unless you were clairvoyant, you'd have never known for certain until it played out.

 

You gave him an opportunity. He blew it. Let that be final epitaph for this three-month fling and the reason you close that door and never look back.

[Elmo]

If you want a "decent ending"...just move on. Don't call him.

 

He would not have "dumped" you if a simple phone call would make a difference.

 

Closure? I think this was a pop-psychology term started in the '80's. I personally, don't believe there is such a thing.

 

Loss hurts. It is incredibly painful. Nothing he can tell you will make it feel better if he has dumped you. Time will help.

 

I mean, what are you looking for?

 

I know, you are looking for him to have not meant it.

 

He most probably DID mean it. He is with his old GF.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting.

 

I would take him at his word. Men are a bit different than women. They are usually more direct, and are not playing games. I think he has probably told you that it is over because it is.

 

Again, I'm sorry you are hurting. It is horrid to be left. Take care of yourself.