Lady2163 Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 So...New Years Eve and I go to a party, where a friend has two single men for me to meet. No pressure, really. But I'm home at 1000 PM. Only I couldn't get them to carry on a conversation. One man might be a bit shy...or he could even be duller than I am. The other man was more interested in my friend (who is married), but also didn't add a lot to the conversation with me. I'm a firm believer if a man is interested, even if he is shy, he will "throw the ball back" in conversation. By that, I mean, if you ask a question such as, "are you from here? Seen any good movies? What kind of work do you do?" if interested, they will ask the question to you as well. I suppose I could have feigned interest in NASCAR, hunting and marathon running, which were interests of the second man. First man had no interests. He does have a 4 year old daughter he "doesn't get to see enough of" but doesn't read, travel, work out, like food or have any hobbies. What questions can I ask that will make men talk, have more than one or two word responses? When they didn't ask me anything or keep the conversation going, I felt like I was interviewing them and they probably felt the same way. Next time I will feign an interest in whatever they mention. There were some follow up questions I could have asked, I realize that now, but like I said, I felt I was interviewing, when I was just floundering to get things going. Why don't men throw the ball back? Am I right in assuming they aren't interested and don't want to waste the energy?
the_entertainer1 Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 One man might be a bit shy...or he could even be duller than I am. Here's your problem right here. If you think you're dull - what are others going to think? My advice is to stop worrying about how to impress others and be yourself (who, I'm sure, is not dull!) I know this from my own experiences, but once you open up and stop worrying about all that, you'll come off as more natural. Having said that - perhaps the guys weren't just that interested. And if they're not into in you, I don't know why you'd be into in them! It's taken me a while to figure this out for myself (I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I like to be liked) but sometimes, you can't impress everyone! 1
gaius Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Don't change how you behaved. Sometimes you just don't click with certain people, nothing wrong with that. Feigning interest and then getting to hear all about NASCAR on a regular basis would be a fate worse than death. 5
GemmaUK Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 I'm curious to know why you were home by 10pm? Forgive me as I am making an assumption here just down to the fact that you didn't give a reason for being home early (for all I know you may have been feeling poorly). I am wondering though whether it was because nothing much was happening with these two guys? I have a few thoughts but I don't like going with assumptions so if you can tell us why you were home early I'll come back and reply properly.
Author Lady2163 Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 No connection with either man may have been a HUGE factor. But, I'm really not a party person or much of a drinker. I would have stayed longer if either man was expressing interest, but after three hours I threw in the towel. It was getting more crowded, more noisy and I was pretty sure there would be a fight before midnight. This wasn't for a hook up or one night stand. They supposedly do want to meet someone. My hobbies are reading, cross stitch, iPad, and Netflix or YouTube surfing. Those are pretty dull, but I have traveled a lot, am kind of a news/pop culture junkie, like going to new restaurants, movies and theater. I'm not dull, really. I'm just closer to 50 than to 30. The second guy could have had potential, if I had been able to get him engaged in conversation. That is why I would have expressed an interest in NASCAR or asked more questions about it. I really do believe men and women can have hobbies or likes that don't necessarily involve their partner as long as there is a balance.
bentleychic Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Don't change how you behaved. Sometimes you just don't click with certain people, nothing wrong with that. Feigning interest and then getting to hear all about NASCAR on a regular basis would be a fate worse than death. This. If you don't click, you don't click. If you pretend to be someone that you are not, you may end up in a relationship, but you'll never be able to be yourself so what would that accomplish? 2
GemmaUK Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 The thing is though that you go to events to just enjoy yourself. I would not have gone to the event if I figured it was not my thing, however, if it turned out to not be my thing and I was there I would make the best of it and enjoy myself. I would definitely not leave just because two men who I didn't even know, nor knew whether I would want to get to know didn't respond when I spoke. It's easy to pick up when someone isn't interested and then best to quickly move on and mingle elsewhere. Men will also pick up on whether someone is just out and enjoying herself or is there 'on a mission' so to speak. To be honest, as you said in your first post it does look a bit like an interview and feels like it when someone asks questions in that way. It's always much easier to talk about things in common - actual things in common right there and right then. The place you were in, surroundings or people, music that was playing - that kind of thing. I think that both men maybe twigged that you were trying to start conversations up and it was somewhat forced perhaps. (interview-ish) It is actually perfectly OK to be on the edge of a group and listen to what is going on, laugh with funny things that are said and let others do the talking until perhaps a natural point where you can interject with brief and witty. Maybe take a look at body language too and how approachable you appear to be when chatting to people. It really can make a lot of difference to people's impressions of you and is something that can really help either befriend someone or completely turn them off wishing to be anywhere near you. Male or female. Also, actual interests as such don't really matter all that much (as you say yourself), it's whether there's any spark or connection. 1
Author Lady2163 Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 We started out a group of ten sitting and eating. As people left to get beer or get up and mingle seats were changed - not just by me. I did listen and not pounce on them. When I needed more ketchup, I started the conversation to the shy one with, "do you want another drink?" since I was going that direction. There were chairs empty between us, so when I came back I did sit next to him. The conversation went something like this...I'm the one asking questions. How do you know Jane and John? (the hosts) I'm Johns cousin. Long pause. So, you're from around here? Sort of. Another long pause. Where did you go to school? John Doe High School (me - thinking to myself '****, that's 20 miles away, I don't know anyone else who graduated from there or any teachers who might have been characters or anything about their sports teams then or now') Long pause. Did I hear you say you have a daughter? Yes. How old is she? 4. Oh - that can be a fun age! Someone else said: give it another ten years, just wait until she's a teenager! Long pause. (me to myself again...how can I get him talking about what he likes to do with his daughter) Do you get to see her often? Not as much as I'd like. I was supposed to have her tonight. Oh. (****, he's fought with his Ex today and now I don't know if I want to ask any more questions about the daughter.) I mingled away for a bit. Later... Have you always worked in the area? I was in Memphis for a while. What type of work did you do there? Construction. (something I know NOTHING about) Memphis has great barbecue. Yes it does. Did you get to Graceland? No and I only lived a few blocks away. I'm not much of an Elvis fan, but I think I'd like to see Graceland someday. I want to see all 50 state capitols and I've been to Nashville, but not Memhis. Silence. I went to play a drinking game. Stopped after one beer. After the drinking game, there was laughing and joking in the group. I decided to give it one more try. Seen any good movies lately? I don't go to movies. I wait for the Blue Ray. I don't get to movies much, either. But I'd like to see the Tom Hanks movie and I've heard 'Nebraska' is good. Silence. By then, I gave up. He had asked me no questions. He hadn't contributed to the conversation and I decided not to follow up with, "seen any good blue rays lately?" My questions weren't tough, they definitely could have been more open ended, but the invite was there for him to say more or ask me the same question, which I would have elaborated on.
Author Lady2163 Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Getting back to the original question. How can I get them at least talking? You know, I recognize men probably aren't interested in the book I'm reading, my current cross stitch project or the latest scent from Yankee Candle, but I was trying to just have a conversation, whether there was romantic interest or not. Truthfully, both men might be able to do better appearance wise than me. But, I was out of their league intellectually and financially. I was able to determine that from the general group conversation. I'm just trying to get out there, online dating has been a bust. I've told friends i'm willing to try blind dates and set ups.
GemmaUK Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 If you prefer to try to get directly talking with someone rather than chat in part of a group then I would go for one question, if they supply a one line answer and no question in return to you then get up and move on. Lots of different questions can come over as a bit intrusive which can make people clam up. It really is better to stick with being part of a group chat until a one to one comes naturally and then if you do want to ask questions ask about what you currently have in common - eg the party you are at and your surroundings.
Maxtor Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Why ask questions? I went to a party yesterday, crazy one, and things just went smooth, talking, dancing, drinking, messing around, if you go with a speech ready, or those dull questions to ask like "what food do you like" or "are you from here?" you will fail. Seriously, those are really boring questions.
Author Lady2163 Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 They are non intrusive questions. Boring, yes. Well, I try not to base my interest solely on looks, so I was trying to have a conversation with them. Shy one wasn't contributing a lot to any conversation. He would talk to his cousin and that was it. Have I made it clear that this was essentially a blind date meet up without it having to be a one on one date? They knew I was coming to meet them. They knew I didn't know more than four people at the party. They expressed an interest in meeting single women. I have no reason to doubt what my friend said she told them. She's not much of a BSer and she wouldn't want the drama of setting me up to flail and fail.
gaius Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 This. If you don't click, you don't click. If you pretend to be someone that you are not, you may end up in a relationship, but you'll never be able to be yourself so what would that accomplish? Indeed! Lady, I guess if you're really determined to get them talking you could keep asking questions but it would probably be more of the same awkward interview feeling you mentioned before. Wouldn't it just be better to find a guy that could bring up something like his trips to Tampa to see the Red Sox play the Devil Rays in person? 1
Author Lady2163 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Indeed! Lady, I guess if you're really determined to get them talking you could keep asking questions but it would probably be more of the same awkward interview feeling you mentioned before. Wouldn't it just be better to find a guy that could bring up something like his trips to Tampa to see the Red Sox play the Devil Rays in person? Glug....ooohh gaius, talk dirty to me and I'll follow you home. Red Sox talk gets me hot! Here's the thing, I only knew a couple of things about each man and they probably only knew a little bit about me. I could barely get them talking, let alone find out if they liked the Sox (well, second guy isn't a baseball fan). These aren't 20 somethings. Second guy may very well have his Masters degree, neither were idiots. They are in their late 40s and couldn't be bothered to have what I consider basic manners. Oddly enough, I asked many of the same questions to the grandpa of the host who was manning the grill! He kept the conversation going...and he was single. But there was nothing implied prior to the party about introducing each of us as potential dating material. 1
Sunlight72 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Hi Lady, I appreciate that you are trying to meet someone Try to take it all less personally, and have less of an agenda though. When I was last looking for a new relationship 2 1/2 years ago at age 39 I really looked into finding groups (meetup.com and events.com helped) doing things I am interested in or that sound fun to try. I also made an effort to go places I would enjoy being with a romantic partner and enjoy them by myself. What do you know? I met quite a few single women I'm a guy, and I realize the dynamics are different for men than women in romantic pursuits, but it worked so much better for me to consider this all just meeting people (not meeting romantic potential mates) that I am suggesting you try it for a few months. I would have short exchanges with them. 2 to 8 sentences at most. Then I would find a graceful way to talk to someone else or even leave. I learned to keep it super super casual. If they were interesting and interested I would come back around, or if I'd left I'd come back after 10 minutes or something (if I was still thinking about them by then I figured it was worth trying for a connection). I'd find them again, and if (Only If - this is a little test) they smiled or turned toward me, showing some of their own interest in me then I'd ask them out - in your case you could give them your number and tell them to call. Just say it would be nice to see them again - what ever - but keep it super super short and casual. When you walk out the door after leaving your number, forget them. It is important not to hope or dream or wonder if they like you. Just plan to do something else tomorrow to meet more new people and pass out your number. No call - GOOD! They weren't interested enough and just saved you a bunch of time. If they call - go out as if meeting a friend. Before you even got to the party you had invested some amount of hope and expectation in both these guys. I understand. I used to do that too. But just because they are men you have heard are looking to meet a woman Does Absolutely Not give you any indication that you would like to spend time with them. Don't invest hope yet. They are just two more people on Earth at this point. Anyway, this helped me ease up at the time of meeting and I learned three really helpful things after some practice; 1 - I can't possibly get a full, accurate or really useful impression of someone the first time I meet them. Therefore, the first time I meet them there is no sense for me to spend much time talking with them - besides, it just creates pressure and the chance for me to say the wrong thing or come off as pushy or needy. I just get enough of a feeling of them that I would either yes see them for 10 more minutes of my life on a different day or, no, not even 10 more minutes. 2 - I have almost no interest in spending romantic time with most women. Even the cute ones. Even the smart ones (my type). I am very specific and picky about a romantic partner. BUT - it is fun to meet all kinds of people once or twice as casual acquaintances/friends. 3 - A little mystery + a little time = intrigue You know that you can't really get to know anyone the first time you meet them, so don't try. It's too high-pressure and destroys mystery. You just want them to be intrigued enough with you to want to spend another 10 minutes with you in the future. example; Smile "Hi, I'm Lady" (stick out hand for shaking). The guy should now say hello or ask you a question, etc. If he doesn't, then you say, "nice to meet you" and walk away. Be polite, but do not waste your time on this one. If he does reply, exchange 1 or 2 more sentences, then smile and say, "I'm glad I said hello", smile and walk away to talk to someone else. If he is interested in you, he will probably try to stop you. If he's shy he might take a few minutes though - but if he doesn't come after you then just forget him. You've done your part for a first meeting. Stop. Move on. The very very short, very very casual hello then walking away is very very powerful for finding out if a guy is interested. You cannot make him like you. You can make him show you if he likes you enough to come talk to you - by you walking away. Short introduction on the first meeting or two meetings It worked wonders for me Best Wishes, Sunlight P. S. This is advice on meeting many someones. Phase two is weeding them out. Dates 1 through 3 are times to meet. Enjoy the meeting and hope for nothing so you can easily turn down the next date if you're not feeling a surprisingly cozy, comfortable fun connection developing on it's own. You can't make the connection with "Mr. Right", or "Mr. Worth Another 10 minutes of My Life" happen. What you can do is meet him and 10 of his friends in the next 2 or 3 months and see what happens 3
Lokie Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Lady, Reading your conversation scripts (I love this, BTW) tells me you dodged a bullet or two with these guys. What I have found is that people who are lackluster or lazy in the gift of conversation are often lackluster in other important areas (wink, wink). I am pretty animated and love engaging with people. You and I would have been chatting it up and learned a ton about each other with no other agenda than to have a nice conversation with someone new. But this is just me and my opinion. I like a little fire in people - positive fire - not hurtful or negative fire. Life is just far too interesting and exciting to spend time with people who don't have anything to say. L. 4
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Don't change how you behaved. Sometimes you just don't click with certain people, nothing wrong with that. Feigning interest and then getting to hear all about NASCAR on a regular basis would be a fate worse than death. Reminds me of my crazy uncle who only talks about the stock market and how abused he was. But he abuses people too. But then it's all like "well yeah I know. But they blah blah blah...." Honestly, the stock market part of the conversation is worse. And he lives in a trailer that his Mom bought him. Clearly the stock market ain't really his thing. You couldn't pay me all of the Chinese lumber he lost money on last year to sit and listen to it again. 2
Author Lady2163 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Thanks Lokie and Sunlight. My friend wanted to introduce me to these guys. Originally, she was having Man #2 and I go out to supper on New Years Eve. I'm guessing he balked at that type of blind date, which is fine, I wasn't thrilled with that idea, either. She thought a party atmosphere with other people would take the pressure off. I do think it did that, but it also showed they didn't have to make any effort if they weren't immediately interested in me, based on looks. Supper may have actually been a better idea. They would have been "forced" to talk or eat in miserable silence. Lokie, I have a similar belief. Men (and women probably) who are lazy and selfish outside of the bedroom are usually lazy and selfish IN the bedroom! Meetups are all 60 miles away. I'm in a town of 10,000. I'd really like to meet someone here and not spend all our time in travel.
Sunlight72 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 If meetups are too far, do something more local. Or make your own meetups. I live in the mountains in Colorado, and so here I listed a 'beginner mountain bike ride'. A couple people showed up, and one of them told me that a local bike shop organizes casual rides often, so I went on a couple of those - which was fun. A town of 10,000? Wow, what a Huge pool of people to meet! My town is under 5000 people, and about 1/3 are retirees. The good thing about a smaller town is that you are meeting people you'll see again, so this friendly meet then leave idea is really helpful. You will either see those guys again around town or if they are interested, they can ask a friend who you are and get in touch later. I flirted with enough women (maybe 30 or 35) over a few months 2.5 years ago that word got around and women I hadn't approached started chatting me up around town - wow! So fun! And several of them still do! I'm quick to mention my great girlfriend, but it is still a nice feeling to know people are interested in knowing me. I just had to say hello to a few dozen, and the effects rippled out a long way. Also, it helped me realize how many available women there are which was a surprise! I started out thinking my town is too small and I had poor chances of meeting anyone, especially someone I really click with. Happily, that turned out to be wrong
PegNosePete Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 The fact is you just don't get on with all of the people all of the time. Well if you think your NYE was messed up then listen to mine! A couple invited friends out to a posh dinner in a hotel... 2 girls and 3 guys, all single. Guy A liked girl B, girl B liked guy C (me), I liked girl D, girl D got incredibly drunk and liked a bunch of 3 guys at the bar who kept buying her tequila slammers until we all had to go and rescue her. So what you gonna do - sometimes that's just how things work out. If you don't feel a connection then there is only one thing you can say - NEXT! 1
Sunlight72 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Oh! I forgot - also volunteer! I met several really positive people by volunteering for 1-day events. Habitat for Humanity build days, the Christmas dinner at a church, a trail-building day for mountain bike trails, a day putting up Christmas lights downtown or what ever sounds good to you. I also ended up eventually volunteering to help with two 12-week parenting classes, and am now paid to teach my third class with 3 other teachers. I am not a parent and hadn't even considered this type of direction before I just met people and tried new things, and one thing lead (eventually) to another. Which was a fun path to follow too - just trying new things. Now I've learned new skills and met a whole new swath of positive people who I enjoy being around and working with - and the feeling of helping other people in the community is really uplifting! I highly recommend volunteering!
jba10582 Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Some guys may actually like the fact based discussions and interview type questions, which at some point becomes very disengaging personally... if your talking to someone as an interview, most people are not conscious enough to snap your a$s out of it and in gear, because interviews are related to WORK, and unnecessary work is not something people want to add to their lives in the long-term. I know personally, I don't want a "boss" for a wife, and certainly not a bad boss at work either, and conversationally some of these people you spoke with don't sound too engaging anyway. It's always more positive if the conversation is engaged in some positive emotion (curiosity, passion, enthusiasm). You start to do this by being these these things, (curious, passionate and showing enthusiasm ect) first, and, if they are still zombies then it's easy to run.
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