Girlfriend says she wants to focus on other things and less on me

January 1, 2014

Hi All,

Let me first mention that we are in a long distance relationship but it seemed more appropriate that I post this on the dating section. So..yea, just keep in mind that we are a few thousand miles apart.

I am your typical nice guy. I would do anything for my girlfriend. I bought her expensive gifts, got on the plane at least once a month to visit her, traveled with her staying at expensive hotels, ate the best foods...basically the best of best of everything when I am with her. She is mega hot and I am not. So am I rich? No. Did she think I was rich? maybe. But I knew I had to come clean with her about my spending habits on her since we were talking more and more about our future and marriage.

When we were apart (we are roughly 3 hours away by plane), we texted constantly and we spoke a lot. We usually spoke 3-4 hours a day (every single day for 3 months) before we slept.

Now the issue... During our last trip, we were talking more about the future and marriage. We are asians and for an asian girl, it is a big NO-NO that you are not married past 30. She says her parents are pressuring her to go on blind dates who they have set up (very common where I come from). She can't stand the pressure and says she wants to marry soon. Her parents even want her to go on these dates knowing that she has a boyfriend (i.e me). So naturally we were talking about marriage costs and I came clean to her that I need to save up to get married. I wouldn't say we argued over this, but she was clearly disappointed when she found out that I do not have any savings. Our conclusion was that we will both need to save up, quit the lavishing lifestyle and expensive gifts and aim to get married in 2014. That was that.

So now we are apart again. I come back to my hometown and she is back in hers and I feel something has definitely changed in her. No more 4-5 hour phone conversations. We text less. Her voice seems distant. I spoke to her briefly last night and she says she wants to focus more on her life and she wants me to do the same. She said I was the center of her life for the past few months but now she needs to focus on finding a job and attending some classes (she likes studying). She wants me to a find a new hobby, meet my friends more often, focus on my work more and less on her(?) She said our "honeymoon" period is over and now we are in the dating stage where we will face relationship-reality. She also said we should talk less. She asked me if I was disappointed that she was so upfront about acting like this and I said that I was a little. But, I told her that I understand what she means and that I will follow. She said she was upfront about it because she does not want me to think that she is trying to avoid me. She said its her new year resolution to focus more on her life and she wants me to do the same so that we can both "grow".

I'm confused. She said we will remain in contact but wants to talk less. So when should i call her? when should i text her? I don't think I've ever smothered her. Never have I asked if she was cheating or seeing other people. I was never jealous that she went out with her friends and even got drunk. I was very understanding about this.

So what is this? Is this her way of building-up a break-up? Am I too nice of a guy and focusing to much on her that she is losing attraction therefore wanting me to focus more on my life instead of hers? Is she a gold digger? Or simply, does she really just wanna focus more on her life since she is jobless? And does this really all mean that we should talk and text less when this is the only means of conversation we can have while we are apart?

Since I can work remotely, I will be moving and living in her home town for around 6 months soon. We were both looking very forward to this. But recently, she has also mentioned to me that once I am there, we may not be able to meet everyday and I need to give her space. Right, ok, i got it, I understand. But does she really need to say it out so bluntly when I have already been so understanding, giving her all the space and never asking jealous questions anyway?

I am so confused.

January 1, 2014

Hi All,

Let me first mention that we are in a long distance relationship but it seemed more appropriate that I post this on the dating section. So..yea, just keep in mind that we are a few thousand miles apart.

I am your typical nice guy. I would do anything for my girlfriend. I bought her expensive gifts, got on the plane at least once a month to visit her, traveled with her staying at expensive hotels, ate the best foods...basically the best of best of everything when I am with her. She is mega hot and I am not. So am I rich? No. Did she think I was rich? maybe. But I knew I had to come clean with her about my spending habits on her since we were talking more and more about our future and marriage.

When we were apart (we are roughly 3 hours away by plane), we texted constantly and we spoke a lot. We usually spoke 3-4 hours a day (every single day for 3 months) before we slept.

Now the issue... During our last trip, we were talking more about the future and marriage. We are asians and for an asian girl, it is a big NO-NO that you are not married past 30. She says her parents are pressuring her to go on blind dates who they have set up (very common where I come from). She can't stand the pressure and says she wants to marry soon. Her parents even want her to go on these dates knowing that she has a boyfriend (i.e me). So naturally we were talking about marriage costs and I came clean to her that I need to save up to get married. I wouldn't say we argued over this, but she was clearly disappointed when she found out that I do not have any savings. Our conclusion was that we will both need to save up, quit the lavishing lifestyle and expensive gifts and aim to get married in 2014. That was that.

So now we are apart again. I come back to my hometown and she is back in hers and I feel something has definitely changed in her. No more 4-5 hour phone conversations. We text less. Her voice seems distant. I spoke to her briefly last night and she says she wants to focus more on her life and she wants me to do the same. She said I was the center of her life for the past few months but now she needs to focus on finding a job and attending some classes (she likes studying). She wants me to a find a new hobby, meet my friends more often, focus on my work more and less on her(?) She said our "honeymoon" period is over and now we are in the dating stage where we will face relationship-reality. She also said we should talk less. She asked me if I was disappointed that she was so upfront about acting like this and I said that I was a little. But, I told her that I understand what she means and that I will follow. She said she was upfront about it because she does not want me to think that she is trying to avoid me. She said its her new year resolution to focus more on her life and she wants me to do the same so that we can both "grow".

I'm confused. She said we will remain in contact but wants to talk less. So when should i call her? when should i text her? I don't think I've ever smothered her. Never have I asked if she was cheating or seeing other people. I was never jealous that she went out with her friends and even got drunk. I was very understanding about this.

So what is this? Is this her way of building-up a break-up? Am I too nice of a guy and focusing to much on her that she is losing attraction therefore wanting me to focus more on my life instead of hers? Is she a gold digger? Or simply, does she really just wanna focus more on her life since she is jobless? And does this really all mean that we should talk and text less when this is the only means of conversation we can have while we are apart?

Since I can work remotely, I will be moving and living in her home town for around 6 months soon. We were both looking very forward to this. But recently, she has also mentioned to me that once I am there, we may not be able to meet everyday and I need to give her space. Right, ok, i got it, I understand. But does she really need to say it out so bluntly when I have already been so understanding, giving her all the space and never asking jealous questions anyway?

I am so confused.

This was really all I needed.

Pull back man. Pull back and just hope that she realizes she really loves you. DO NOT GO ALL DESPERATE ON HER.

January 1, 2014

Only she knows what she really means. A few things:

You hid the "real" you from her. You presented an image of someone who was far wealthier than his means. Most people would be a little perturbed to discover someone they thought they knew very well...well enough for a lifetime commitment...suddenly turned out to be someone else. Deceit and dishonesty are very common deal beakers. Besides, what else are you hiding? That's a logical concern and one she needs to work through on her own.
Ability to provide comfortably for your family is important to many. Raising a family is expensive. Right now, you have difficulty even funding a wedding. One option is for her to get a better paying job and build her career...that often entails education.
For a marriage to work you have to share basic values. At a minimum, you should agree on kids and how to raise them and finances. You've been living large instead of thinking responsibly about a future. Do you have compatible values and priorities? Your swinging single jet setter lifestyle is crashing into the realities of someone who was focused on settling down and starting a family. Is that a good match? Is it even realistic? No doubt she's working through this. Frankly, you need to give it a lot of thought too.

At any rate you shouldn't be relocating anytime soon. Totally impractical. Figure out if your relationship will survive the revelation first. If it does, then develop a plan and move.

Edited January 1, 2014 by Pretty.in.Pink

January 1, 2014

It sounds like her parents have an idea of who she should marry so this may not be about you at all.

January 1, 2014

Thanks for all the feedback guys:) I'll reply one by one since I figured I gotta be proactive on this thread to really gain some useful insight.

January 1, 2014

This was really all I needed.

Pull back man. Pull back and just hope that she realizes she really loves you. DO NOT GO ALL DESPERATE ON HER.

Thanks. I have had my share of being desperate with my exes and I know this makes it worse. I am trying hard to not appear desperate even though I secretly am. I did not text first this morning and have only replied to her when she texted me a "good morning babe:)" first. We texted for a while and said "have a good day" to each other and then ending the convo. It seemed kinda dry... but fine, this is what she wanted, "space" and less talk. I was the one who ended the convo but I do not think this is a big issue.

As for my personality, I either go all out or nothing at all. I like either very hot or very cold showers, not warm. I spend everything or nothing at all. This is just me, its hard for me to find a middle-ground. It seems right now I need to balance between not giving too much attention but not too little also. I'm bad at this but wish me luck.

January 1, 2014

I semi-understand why you did what you did. You were probably just trying to create nice experiences for her and to impress her with how generous you could be. Unfortunately, you also created this impression of who you were and did nothing to correct it until wedding costs needed to be addressed. Then you came clean. Therein lies part of your problem.

January 1, 2014

Only she knows what she really means. A few things:

You hid the "real" you from her. You presented an image of someone who was far wealthier than his means. Most people would be a little perturbed to discover someone they thought they knew very well...well enough for a lifetime commitment...suddenly turned out to be someone else. Deceit and dishonesty are very common deal beakers. Besides, what else are you hiding? That's a logical concern and one she needs to work through on her own.
Ability to provide comfortably for your family is important to many. Raising a family is expensive. Right now, you have difficulty even funding a wedding. One option is for her to get a better paying job and build her career...that often entails education.
For a marriage to work you have to share basic values. At a minimum, you should agree on kids and how to raise them and finances. You've been living large instead of thinking responsibly about a future. Do you have compatible values and priorities? Your swinging single jet setter lifestyle is crashing into the realities of someone who was focused on settling down and starting a family. Is that a good match? Is it even realistic? No doubt she's working through this. Frankly, you need to give it a lot of thought too.
At any rate you shouldn't be relocating anytime soon. Totally impractical. Figure out if your relationship will survive the revelation first. If it does, then develop a plan and move.

1. Right, I did, unintentionally. As mentioned on your second reply, I did this because I wanted to spend the best times with her. My logic was that because I do not spend much time with her, I wanted to show her the best side of me when we met. Call me a lady's boy but I think understand the difference between a gold digger and someone who likes a guy who has a bit more money in his pockets. I understand the latter because she always told me that she wanted to send her kids to the best private schools, provide a good environment for her kids and although quite cliche, university in the US. She herself was brought up in the US (though she is no longer there) and she thinks of US education as the best, and of course, very pricey. Money IS important and no one denies that. Which brings us to your point no. 2.

2. She was brought up in a good background. I kind of was too. Her education level is high, she was a reporter. I am running a family business. My family has money but that is not MY money, they will not support me in funding my marriage. Although, I will inherit the business once I am married (and only when I am married). I may have sounded arrogant, but my point is that I know I have let her down by telling her I have not saved up. My naive excuses are 1. I have never met anyone before that has made me wanted to save up for a marriage. 2. My surrounding, especially my friends, are big spenders. I should not have copied them. 3. My biggest mistake, is that I hoped my family will support me for my marriage. I know and swear at me if you will, but these are all very very bad and immature thinking.

3. We have both decided that we need to save up. I have made my mind to quit this lifestyle and really look at one thing and only one thing, our future.

I already have a place to stay where she lives. So money wise, I won't be spending more relocating.

I feel like I've drifted away from my core question.

All this discussion happened during our last trip. And even after coming totally clean with her, she said I was an A+ boyfriend, A very nice guy at heart (although this didn't sound as good as it seems and I sensed impending doom).

I guess my question is this. She says she needs to figure out her priorities, finding a new job. She says she also wants to study something she is interested in and not related to her job. She wants me to spend less time thinking about her and more on my job, my hobbies, my friends, my priorities, just more on myself and less on her. She still wants to talk but not as often. She texted me first this morning with smiley faces and etc. so it does not seem she is breaking up with me...or is it? I know the money talk was a big blow to our relationship but why the sudden spend-more-time-to-yourself? Does she want me to bring myself to reality instead of being in fantasy world? Is this her way of giving me a second chance?

Urgh.

January 1, 2014

It sounds like her parents have an idea of who she should marry so this may not be about you at all.

Yes actually.

1. She is Christian. I am agnostic. They actually do want her to marry a Christian.

2. My girlfriend's elder brother is married and is totally devoted to her wife and her family. So DEVOTED that he is currently in bad terms with his own parents. My girlfriend's parents mentioned to her that she should find a husband just like their son...

So yes...there are hurdles to jump over

January 1, 2014

It could just be that the honeymoon if over.

You know when people reevaluate what they want.

January 1, 2014

This sounds like the beginning of the end, OP. Someone who wants to see a relationship through doesn't want to talk less, see each other less, and so on. As other suggested, pull back. Don't become clingy and contact her a lot. It sounds as though she's not happy you created an illusion of someone you're not, and that her parents are a very strong influence in her life. Those factors combined don't point to a happy ending, but you never know.

January 1, 2014

With the communication thing it sounds like she is feeling smothered.

3-4 hour calls per day is an awful lot to sustain over a long period of time.

I couldn't cope with the hour/2 hour calls that my now ex wanted each day.

He also wanted contant text contact from around 5.30/6am until after I had gone to sleep (I say 'after' as at one point I got into trouble with him for not texting when I was about to go to sleep even though I had just come off a call and had told him I was going to bed - then half an hour to an hour after I had fallen asleep he would text a reply, wake me up and would text something that required a response).

Texts all day plus calls plus also email in two forms (the site we met on and also normal email) was just too much and I was no longer looking after myself. It drove me crazy.

I asked him to back off and calm the contact down - he would for a day or so and then he went back up to needing constant contact again.

I just wanted to have a bit of space to do things like eat, cook, tidy my house, watch a film..

He had no house to look after and didn't understand the concept of needing time to do things.

I didn't want to break up at all when I first asked him to cool it but several months down the line it was one of many things that I just wasn't able to keep up with.

He too had no hobbies really and we were also long distance.

January 1, 2014

It could just be that the honeymoon if over.

You know when people reevaluate what they want.

Right. It is. Not for me, but for her definitely, because she told me word for word, that the honeymoon period is over.

I don't think of this as a bad thing. In fact, it is when when the fantasy is gone and when true relationship starts to build.

But why the less talk? It's the only thing we have in a long distance relationship.

January 1, 2014

This sounds like the beginning of the end, OP. Someone who wants to see a relationship through doesn't want to talk less, see each other less, and so on. As other suggested, pull back. Don't become clingy and contact her a lot. It sounds as though she's not happy you created an illusion of someone you're not, and that her parents are a very strong influence in her life. Those factors combined don't point to a happy ending, but you never know.

I know I created an illusion of someone who I am not. That was my biggest mistake, it IS a deal breaker. She is most probably thinking if my other qualities are enough for her to stay with me. Am I not correct?

January 1, 2014

With the communication thing it sounds like she is feeling smothered.
3-4 hour calls per day is an awful lot to sustain over a long period of time.

I couldn't cope with the hour/2 hour calls that my now ex wanted each day.
He also wanted contant text contact from around 5.30/6am until after I had gone to sleep (I say 'after' as at one point I got into trouble with him for not texting when I was about to go to sleep even though I had just come off a call and had told him I was going to bed - then half an hour to an hour after I had fallen asleep he would text a reply, wake me up and would text something that required a response).
Texts all day plus calls plus also email in two forms (the site we met on and also normal email) was just too much and I was no longer looking after myself. It drove me crazy.

I asked him to back off and calm the contact down - he would for a day or so and then he went back up to needing constant contact again.
I just wanted to have a bit of space to do things like eat, cook, tidy my house, watch a film..
He had no house to look after and didn't understand the concept of needing time to do things.

I didn't want to break up at all when I first asked him to cool it but several months down the line it was one of many things that I just wasn't able to keep up with.
He too had no hobbies really and we were also long distance.

Thanks GemmaUK. Actually, she is the one who wanted to talk most of the time. I am the one who needs to work. She is currently jobless. I would talk to her until 5am when I need to wake up at 8 for work. I didn't force myself to do this. I listened to her because I genuinely liked listening to her voice. Once, I told her I was tired and hinted that I wanted to sleep. She felt annoyed and didn't want to hang up. I wasn't annoyed when she did this. If anything, I was flattered that I was the one she wanted to talk to. If there's one thing I didn't do, it is that I never smothered her. I never questioned why she replied so late. I never questioned her when she didn't pick up my calls. I have learnt to deal with my jealousy whenever I felt it.

But right now, she WANTS me to say when I want to hang up. She WANTS me to have my say with things. She WANTS me to say something back to her when I have to so something that she feels I am doing just for her. But to the contrary, I don't mind and I enjoy doing these things for her.

January 1, 2014

Thanks GemmaUK. Actually, she is the one who wanted to talk most of the time. I am the one who needs to work. She is currently jobless. I would talk to her until 5am when I need to wake up at 8 for work. I didn't force myself to do this. I listened to her because I genuinely liked listening to her voice. Once, I told her I was tired and hinted that I wanted to sleep. She felt annoyed and didn't want to hang up. I wasn't annoyed when she did this. If anything, I was flattered that I was the one she wanted to talk to. If there's one thing I didn't do, it is that I never smothered her. I never questioned why she replied so late. I never questioned her when she didn't pick up my calls. I have learnt to deal with my jealousy whenever I felt it.

But right now, she WANTS me to say when I want to hang up. She WANTS me to have my say with things. She WANTS me to say something back to her when I have to so something that she feels I am doing just for her. But to the contrary, I don't mind and I enjoy doing these things for her.

I see!

She wants you to not be as available and not to let yourself be walked over.

A man who isn't afraid to be a man.

From what you have explained here you are sounding like you are happy to be her doormat.

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Girlfriend says she wants to focus on other things and less on me

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