counterman Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 So, my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 months now. Our relationship started off a bit rocky, since she had a lot of trust issues due to her previous relationship. But we eventually got through that. The problem is every time we have an issue between us, we would end up arguing and nothing would get resolved. The way it would usually go is that she would get upset about something and not want to talk about it at that moment. She needs her space and doesn't want to deal with it then and there. Then, she would text me about what's wrong and I would ask her to talk in person, which she doesn't want to and reluctantly agrees to. When we do talk, she would tell me how she feels and I would tell her how I feel. We would both get defensive and then it turns into an argument. The difference is, she's not really receptive to feedback whereas I try to take what she says on board so that I can work on what I have to work on. She repeatedly says "you don't get me", which really hurts because I try to get her. She said she was unhappy. So today, we sort of left the conversation with not knowing where we are headed. How can you be in relationship with someone if you can't communicate effectively with them? What should we do to resolve this?
Keenly Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 She doesn't want to compromise, she wants you to submit. 1
Author counterman Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Doesn't sound good.. why doesn't she want to ever talk in person? These issues can blossom of you can't talk through them. Because she doesn't want to argue... I want to talk through our issues but they don't seem to be getting us anywhere She doesn't want to compromise, she wants you to submit. I submitted all the time with my ex-girlfriend. Got tread on everyday. That ain't happening again
ExpatInItaly Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Because she doesn't want to argue... I want to talk through our issues but they don't seem to be getting us anywhere I submitted all the time with my ex-girlfriend. Got tread on everyday. That ain't happening again[/QUOTE] Good, as it shouldn't. You sound like the adult in this relationship. In my experience, people who repeatedly refuse to communicate and insist that you just don't "get" them are childish. They don't want to compromise with you; they want it their way. It doesn't set the foundation for a healthy or lasting relationship. If she is absolutely unwilling to meet you half-way, you should probably reconsider this relationship. Your'e just a few months in, and it will only get worse. How old is she, by the way? 1
Author counterman Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Good, as it shouldn't. You sound like the adult in this relationship. In my experience, people who repeatedly refuse to communicate and insist that you just don't "get" them are childish. They don't want to compromise with you; they want it their way. It doesn't set the foundation for a healthy or lasting relationship. If she is absolutely unwilling to meet you half-way, you should probably reconsider this relationship. Your'e just a few months in, and it will only get worse. How old is she, by the way? She is in her early 20s. It's difficult to communicate with her because there is no compromise. When I talk to her and respond to issues raised by her, first thing I always do is acknowledge my responsibility in any issue and admit and apologise for any wrongdoing. She doesn't do that. She directs any issue at me and it is hard for me not to take it personally when it's always "you" this and "you" that. But she has a role in those issues as well and when I let her know what she is doing that is upsetting me, she gets really defensive and we just end up arguing. She always has to be right and she usually points out how I did this wrong when bringing up this issue and how I am handling things the wrong way. It's disheartening... I know I don't have the best timing or the best way of dealing with things but she doesn't either. It's one thing to realise that I am trying and it's another to keep shoving it in my face that I am doing this wrong and that I just don't get it. She said that she wanted to go back to just dating...and I asked her for some time to think about things. That didn't go down well with her and she said that she may not pick up if I try to call. So, it doesn't look like it's going well...
ExpatInItaly Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 She is in her early 20s. It's difficult to communicate with her because there is no compromise. When I talk to her and respond to issues raised by her, first thing I always do is acknowledge my responsibility in any issue and admit and apologise for any wrongdoing. She doesn't do that. She directs any issue at me and it is hard for me not to take it personally when it's always "you" this and "you" that. But she has a role in those issues as well and when I let her know what she is doing that is upsetting me, she gets really defensive and we just end up arguing. She always has to be right and she usually points out how I did this wrong when bringing up this issue and how I am handling things the wrong way. It's disheartening... I know I don't have the best timing or the best way of dealing with things but she doesn't either. It's one thing to realise that I am trying and it's another to keep shoving it in my face that I am doing this wrong and that I just don't get it. She said that she wanted to go back to just dating...and I asked her for some time to think about things. That didn't go down well with her and she said that she may not pick up if I try to call. So, it doesn't look like it's going well... Sorry to hear that. I know how frustrating that is, because I have been with a guy like her. The truth is that she is probably terrified of losing you and used this threat to get you to change your mind. Honestly, you're doing yourself a huge favour if you step out of the relationship for a while. It gets exhausting and it isn't worth it. And who knows? Feeling she may really lose you might motivate her to reflect on her own behaviour too.
Author counterman Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Sorry to hear that. I know how frustrating that is, because I have been with a guy like her. The truth is that she is probably terrified of losing you and used this threat to get you to change your mind. Honestly, you're doing yourself a huge favour if you step out of the relationship for a while. It gets exhausting and it isn't worth it. And who knows? Feeling she may really lose you might motivate her to reflect on her own behaviour too. It's nice to have someone I could relate to, who's been with a similar person. She said that, in the argument before this latest one, she was scared that I would break-up with her if I get really upset. Now, at this moment, it's looking more and more likely that it'll happen;she's pushing me away. Who knows, maybe she will reflect on her behaviour and then come around. You don't know what you have until it's gone You're right, it is probably worthwhile stepping out for the time being. The last couple of days have been exhausting to say the least. I do want to be in a relationship with her, but only if she is completely committed. That means she's there for the good and the bad times. It also means she'll have patience and not keeping telling me "you just don't get it" - she will have to come around, reach out to me... cause there's no going back once I make up my mind.
ThatMan Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Do you find yourself fighting/arguing but then neither of you can clearly recall what started the conflict? Are all of these fights around how each of you feel? It's important to understand that there is no right or wrong way to feel. Neither of you should assign fault or blame in each other for feeling any particular way. Does this help at all? What exactly are you arguing about if you don't mind the question.
Author counterman Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 I had this problem with my ex and I think the reason behind it in my circumstance is that the truths she was withholding were too awful and would have most likely been revealed in argument. That's understandable in the sense that some truths are harsh, but I would rather hear the truth then have it withheld... was this the reason you guys broke up? Do you find yourself fighting/arguing but then neither of you can clearly recall what started the conflict? Are all of these fights around how each of you feel? It's important to understand that there is no right or wrong way to feel. Neither of you should assign fault or blame in each other for feeling any particular way. Does this help at all? What exactly are you arguing about if you don't mind the question. We can recall what started the conflict, I think, but we usually end up arguing avbout other things. For example, our latest argument was about how I tend to make a big deal out of apparently non-issues. What happened was a few nights ago we were hanging out, and suddenly, her mood changed and she wanted to go home. I asked her "is everything OK?" - she said yes and I drove her home, still confused. She texted me later telling me how she felt as a result of some of my actions (which I wasn't aware was affecting her like that until that moment). It was really sudden and out of nowhere and I was concerned about her, so I texted her we should talk in person. She got angry at me, saying that we don't need to do that because it's not really an issue; she just wanted me to listen. So, I dropped it. A few days later, I brought it up, because it was still fresh on my mind, and told her how I was concerned. She was angry at me for bringing it up and making it an issue. So our latest argument was about the timing of me bringing it up (just before celebrations) and also making it an issue. That then escalated and previous arguments were brought up, including all the things I did wrong in the past. Peppered into the argument is how I just don't get it or get her. She never takes any responsibility in the matter. And a few times she would get mad and say " "fine, you're right" - and I thought, it isn't about being right or wrong... it's how we feel. She thinks I'm being defensive when all I'm trying to do is tell her how I feel. I don't want to be right or wrong; I just want us to get along. That's the thing, she does assign blame to how I feel and on some occasions she would say that my feelings dominated hers. I thought that was really weird because I am entitled to my feelings just as she is to hers. I feel she's so caught up in her own feelings and she just can't see things from my perspective. She said that there were times where she would have to forget about how she was feeling to focus on how I was feeling. It's all so bizarre and I'm not sure what sort of mental space she is in... These past few months, despite our arguments, I have been generally happy in the relationship. I was not expecting this at all. She said she was unhappy but all her actions and words over the past few months have shown completely otherwise. I'm not sure whether it was the heat of the moment that brought this out and now that is has become this, she doesn't want to admit any responsibility and is just going with it or what. But she says she doesn't want to argue any more. It's not like I want to argue but if it happens, it happens, and we will deal with it - its a way of letting each other know how we feel. But she just doesn't want to argue any more and wants to avoid anything that could lead to an argument, which makes me question whether she was really ready to be in a relationship in the first place
Author counterman Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 I have to talk to her... it's the only way I'll know what she really wants How should I approach this? She's already said she may not pick up if I call her
veggirl Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Wait this R is only 3 mos old!? Dude, move on! You guys aren't compatible.
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