One Year Out

[avacado]

Just about a year ago, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. It's been very hard and I'd appreciate any advice, sorry for the length.

 

When we met, I was 26 and had never had a serious relationship, nor had I ever been in love. That changed as things progressed very quickly and I became far more happy than I'd ever been. Things were really great, I had a dedicated and attractive girlfriend who adored me. We built great memories, traveled around the country to our families, and I could seriously see marrying her.

 

I do not know exactly why she chose to end it. She gave a remarkable "it's not you, it's me" routine, and didn't seem like she wanted to try and fix what was wrong. She did not cheat on me, he was always so good to me (and me to her) and I do believe that she still loved me. I did not try seriously to win her back, which is something I may always regret.

 

In the time that followed, the sense of what I'd lost gradually sank in deeper, and rather than slowly emerging from depression, it seemed to get worse. The thought would occur to me that if I were to find out that she had a boyfriend, it would help me move on, as all hope at reuniting would be lost. I did soon discover, about 6 months after the breakup, that she had a boyfriend, but it did not have the anticipated effect. It was the worst blow I'd ever felt, worse even than being dumped, worse than having people die. Sorry to sound dramatic, but it was surprisingly devastating and it still shakes me deeply to think of her sharing her life with another man. I'm sure you all have been there and know what I'm talking about, so I won't dwell on this.

 

Soon after, I sought therapy. It was expensive but it helped a bit, but the benefits were not lasting and I stopped going. My depression hasn't stopped me from furthering my career - it's not like I lay in bed crying or anything - much the opposite, I force myself to get out and make positive changes. It's just that throughout it all, even a year into this thing, there's still this terrible undercurrent of sadness and loss. She is still so fresh in my mind and I miss her terribly. Literally, every day, many times per day, I am reminded of her and feel bad. Everywhere Ii go, I look out for her, and when I see someone who looks like her I become very anxious. She's even in my dreams. It's like a sickness. And I don't know what to do about it. Exercise, meditation, therapy, nothing seems to do the trick.

 

About three months ago, I met someone new, and it's been a very confusing experience. I didn't delve into it openly like the last time, but instead keep up a strong emotional wall. She wants it to go further, but I don't let it. It's like I have thrown an anchor to keep from being pulled out to sea, but she's slowly tugging me out and away. I can't figure out whether to end it or pull up my anchor and see where she takes me. I don't know whether I'm not over the last relationship, or if she just isn't the right woman for me. It has me really perplexed and confused. I don't want to lose this new girl, but I don't want to string her along either, since I really do feel hesitant. How could she replace the magic I had with my last girlfriend?

 

I can almost not believe that I'm even writing this. I feel like I rehash this same story constantly in my head and periodically on this forum, while my ex is probably so far past the breakup that she rarely even thinks of me. When she broke up with me, I almost felt bad for her because I believed I'd be fine and she'd get screwed up. The arrogance of my past haunts me, especially thinking about how I might not have shown her the appreciation that she deserved. She was the best thing to ever happen to me, and yet I didn't show her how much she meant to me. I don't even think I was aware how important she was to me, and then I let her go. Maybe someday I'll forgive myself.

 

Tonight is NYE, a day when you can text almost anyone and at least wish them a fun evening. I'll maintain my NC (been about 4 months now), but I wonder whether she'll send me anything at all. Based in the past year, though, I know she probably won't.

Edited December 31, 2013 by avacado

[bobby326]

I can relate to your situation a lot, I'm not one year out but 4 months out and 3 months NC and I feel the exact same way you do. I to have casually dated and have been talking to this girl but I feel like she is drifting away and it's not becoming anything because of my attitude and the fact that I put up an emotional wall as well. I just don't feel right, I don't feel confident, I feel insecure. I kind of found out that she is seeing someone last night at NYE and it is killing me, I just made a thread about it. I want to find out more about who he is and what she has been up to but I am trying not to as I know I will hate what I find.

 

I never received a text on NYE either, or xmas and to be honest I kind of expected her to send something. I'm right there with you, I really hope this passes, I have a ski vacation in a week so I am hoping a change of scenery will help me. Hang in there